go back to what makes you happy.
It has been a brutal year. so brutal in fact that I am just now realizing that in order to survive what comes next I will have to save most of my energy for taking care of my youngest son Quinn who is currently is going through a spectacular bout of anxiety and OCD. Autism is one thing but we are currently in the process of having my son diagnosed with PANS or PANDAS which is basically and autoimmune reaction that causes significant inflammation in the brain which then leads to OCD like behavior, anxiety, tics and in our case stuttering refusing to interact with anyone, and bouts of aggression.
http://www.pandasnetwork.org/understanding-pandaspans/what-is-pandas/
So in amongst all the work, the therapist appts. trying to learn the best way to use an autism advocate, trying to sell my home and move to a better school system, the psychiatrist appts, the neurology appts 3 hours away, I need to keep a hold of something that is mine. I have done an Ironman or half Ironman every year for the last 7 years. Is it 7? it might be 8.... hold up a sec. https://www.athlinks.com/athletes/60869575/results looks like it was 7 years.
Doing endurance sports makes me happy, makes me feel accomplished, it makes me feel successful. Autism, PANDAS parenting does not for the most part give me a feeling of success, it is a long road with no markers or road map and no promise of upwards development. It is accurate to say that my family is in a state of almost complete lockdown. We are unable to go anywhere with Quinn due to unpredictable behavior, random rages and his super high anxiety response to anywhere other than our house or my truck.
The last few years I have set big goals for myself and managed to somehow squeak through and make them happen. In retrospect this is basically a miracle. Every year the last 3 years my life has become gradually subtly ever so much smaller year to year month to month day to day. We used to go to at least 2 restaurants. Now its a big deal to get a slurpee at the 7/11. We used to be able to go to the doctors office. The last trip to the doctors I ended up using ativan to calm my son and we still ended up with screaming when the Doctor tried to use the stethescope.
My older son and I were able to travel by ourselves to Atlanta and visit with family over Christmas for 4 days. We had an amazing time. It made me realize how completely small my families life, my life has become. The littlest things were an adventure, going to a farmers market and having the chance to talk to vendors instead of worrying where my son was or when he would melt down and run to the truck. During this visit I took the opportunity to run. The previous week I hadnt run at all. Which to be honest is a pretty good indication of how bad my mindset was. The weather the first day was 68 degrees. I headed out with literally the least amount of clothing on I could pull off with out getting an indecency charge by the local PD. It was slow but wonderful. I used to think I was relatively speedy, then 2 things happened, 1. I got older and 2. I raced Ironman for too long. Anyway the runs have been a blast and on a lighter note Ive managed to keep running not far not fast but every day since then.
So that leads me to my current state. Its January 1rst. Im trapped at home with a son who needs significant medical help, my to do list is 5 pages long, literally. Now is a time to set big goals right? All those memes say, push as hard as you can for as long as you can then push harder, just do it, never give up, more is more, harder faster longer. Guess what? No. Just no. More is not more. Sometimes things need to be simplified and brought down hopefully in order to let some joy come out and some mental and physical recovery happen. But I cant just give up. So I will do this. I will go back to what makes me happy. I will just run. I have some small goals but I think I will keep them close to the vest right now. Lets lick our wounds and look forward and hope, wish, pray, even though I dont, that the next year will be kinder to my family and myself.
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