「では、オペをはじめます。」 @doktortenma - Tumblr Blog

12.03.1999

Exhausted. Had trouble going to sleep last night again. Must've been in bed at least two hours before I started feeling drowsy. I keep thinking about the same things. What if and what if.

Day to day life feels like a dream. Got to get my act together soon.

#rp #text #added a lil more #since he's anticipating his return to munich soon

November

11.22.99

Today I leave Kuito. The feeling is bittersweet. I've spent the past couple weeks in anticipation, preparing the handoff of the operating theater and my patients to the incoming surgeon. Yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting him. I introduced him to the patients deemed candidates for surgery and had him assist me moments later. He looked a little stunned, reminding me just how used to this I'm getting (another reason I ought to go). I also gave him a run down of the procedures that I've implemented since I've arrived so as to give him a sense of what the doctors and nurses who assist me are used to. Even now, there is still more for me to do. I've resolved to get my rest on the flight back home.

We're on the cusp of the rainy season so it's been raining all day. I don't think it will clear up.

11.27.99

I’ve spent the past few days in Brussels, sleeping in and walking everywhere. I went inside a supermarket to get something to drink and seeing shelf after shelf of neatly packaged groceries was mesmerizing. I can flip on a lightswitch with confidence and even drink the water I bathe in. But, I think the peacefulness is what gets to me the most. My mind seems to be back in Kuito. I can't help but think of what I could be doing over there. I often have to refocus on my surroundings.

Last night, I made the call to Dr. Reichwein to let him know I was back on the continent. To hear his voice filled me with a warmth I didn't know I was lacking and to hear Dieter's voice after so long gave that warmth vibrancy. I thought perhaps he would be upset with me since I stayed on longer but he spoke happily of football and friends he had made. He also told me about their brand new resident. Mr. Grimmer and I exchanged letters so I knew a bit about the situation, but I didn’t know the details. He wasn't available, however, so we weren't able to talk. Dieter seems to like him. I asked him about Nina since it's been so long since I talked with her. From the looks of it, she seems to be happier and is working hard on her degree. Perhaps I may see her too. I earnestly hope so.

Before I return to Munich, however, I plan to make a stop at a very very important place.

11.29.99

I called Otto Heckel and he was not pleased but he sure changed his tune when I told him I'd pay him. The reason I called him was a thought I've had lingering in the back of mind for some time. Seeing Johan again reignited this thought.

Let's see if Heckel can impress me. Heh.

#rp #text #q

cloverinblue

Tenma’s room

#reblog

Hi, Tenma.

Hello, how are you?

excerpt from Sept. 99 journal

…haven’t yet been back to the clinic. Reichwein tells me I cannot keep putting off ‘important things’ and waves his hands emphatically. He makes quite a picture, and somehow or other, one which produces a sort of natural smile in me.

This man has shown me a great deal of kindness on the faith of my friendship with Dr. Tenma. After exiting the hospital, I had no plans– nowhere to stay, no friends or family, obviously, to call up and ask for help.

Yes, I could do that once– but I would not say the people I contacted were anything close to the previous description. I could wheedle favours out of them, I could persuade, having known them before the wall fell, and our world destroyed in a matter of months.

…all gone, all lost, but not a bad thing, really: those connections meant nothing. And one wishes to begin again– to ‘turn over a new leaf’. And so, given the chance, I am trying each one, turning them all over until I find something resembling ‘normal’.

Here with Reichwein, it is comfortable. I help him out as often as possible– with every sort of chore or job he has for me. My pay is a room and a guarantee of a meal at least once a day, as Reichwein is fond of cooking and dinner is always at home.

(some erasing)– it’s no chore at all– none of it is– even when I feel empty and useless, there is Dieter, chattering away about soccer, or Tenma, or his new friends at school, or the game he’s playing with his team, etc… We go to watch those games, and I remember Milosh and Vinohrády…I remember how they all laughed and played together so naturally…I probably bother D from time to time…it shows occasionally when I’m helping him with his English assignments…

(paper clipped to the page are several letters from Tenma, sans envelopes)

#rp #wolfganggrimmer

wolfgang-grimmer

excerpt from Sept. 99 journal

“– the last thing I did before returning to Munich was visit Leipzig for two days. Having not been back since the early nineties, I was somewhat surprised to find much changed – and the more so, remaining as ever I remember it.

”–ruins still litter the city in great heaps– ‘reconstruction’ is being done. My previous apartment block was demolished down to the dirt…

“I came with the notion of seeing all the usual sites people do while travelling, despite having lived there for the better part of my adulthood… perhaps I hoped to see it with new eyes, as a changed person– and indeed, many details I once overlooked with disinterest in the past sprung to life before me…

”– before leaving on the second day, I went to my son’s grave, and sat, looking on it for several hours… of course, I felt little, besides the slight chill in the September wind…“

#rp #wolfganggrimmer

yaku-zai

#reblog

8.18.99

Immediately after arriving in Luanda in one of the MSF houses, I dozed off without unpacking. When I woke, the constant ache I had felt in Kuito somehow felt more palpable. Later on, I caught up on my letters and wrote up some long overdue replies. I spoke with some of the new arrivals and passerbys at the office. It was nice to hear of what was going on in the rest of the world. From them I’ve also heard that there are people, conducting business here in Angola, who are entirely unaware of the war currently going on.

Luanda is strange. There is an ever growing population of displaced people seeking refuge from the war outside and yet, like in Kuito, there is an eerie calm. An eerie calm that, on closer inspection is displaced by the overhead sounds of military air carriers and the oil rigs in the distance that no doubt provide for the MLPA’s war funds.

I was invited to a small get-together for men and women of different NGOs. Many of the volunteers I saw were rather young. Some were even in their early twenties. Drinking seemed to be the most popular activity. I felt a little out of place admittedly. I spoke to a French man named Paul. I believe he was with UNICEF. He had a family and was in Luanda taking part in a vigorous polio vaccination campaign. He asked why I had joined the MSF and I told him something akin to ‘I fell into it’. …Before I had a more concrete answer but now I am clouded with uncertainty.

My mind constantly returns to the teenage boy we operated on just before I left. He was brought in on an afternoon while on the way home with a younger brother in tow. The child was simply playing when he stepped on a landmine and was killed instantly. The older brother survived and was carried in. For hours we extracted the shrapnel that near-obliterated his legs. Over and over I witness these landmines thoroughly demonstrate their purpose: to grievously wound, to kill. Right before I left, he came down with a fever.

I may extend my stay.

#rp #text #q #putting in the queue for tomorrow #;D

6.26.99

Today I managed to step away from the hospital and get a closer look at Kuito. Last week, through a haze of jet lag, I immediately noticed the bulletholes and mortar scarring each and every building. I was able to see it much more clearly today - boarded up windows, caved-in buildings, walls of color fractured by weapons… Seeing the damage up close brought me some better perspective. I humbly accompanied our housekeeper, Lourdes, a strong, warm woman who helps correct my Portuguese. She even teaches me a few words of Umbundu, another language commonly spoken here. It is such a beautiful language.

My main reason for going downtown was to get some news and maybe something to read. I’ve come to find out how sparse and empty the few shops are around here. I wasn’t able to procure a newspaper but I bought a book in Portuguese to help my studies. My trip was brief, however, as I was soon summoned to the hospital to perform an emergency Caesarian.

Another reason, I think, for going downtown was to have a brief respite from the grind. There is no electricity and running water. We use generators as needed and, because of that, much of the hospital is dark. In addition, many of the rooms are packed with patients and their families. I have to make my way very carefully as I do my rounds (If I’m able to). However, I spend most of my time in the operating theater. I knew we would have little to work with but the reality is so…. stark. While working with Heckel a while back, I also had to improvise but nothing compares to this. To sterilize the instruments, we boil them in hot water and for the past few days, I’ve had to use my hands while we wait for new gloves to be flown in. In order to disinfect our hands we only use soap and water.

Many of the patients I see have conditions that are so far advanced than what I’m used to. This is partly because many have walked for days to flee the war still going on outside of city. I’m thankful for the knowledge and experience of our local staff.

Kuito has this odd feeling of placidity about it, you could fool yourself into thinking there isn’t a decades-long war going on but it is so very real. I constantly see bullet wounds inflicted accidentally and intentionally but what has left the biggest impression on me is the horrific and grievous injury caused by landmines. These weapons were meant to destroy human beings and that they do well. Amputation is a constant reality. Overseas there is usually a great deal of debate before such a procedure but over here, patients seem almost resigned; it makes my heart heavy.

Here in Kuito, however, the lows are so low and highs are incredibly high. The beautiful boy I delivered shortly after my trip had the sweetest smile and such a grip. His family held him and looked upon him with such love… It’s not easy but truly I am privileged to be here.

#rp #text #whoo finally I am satisfied

6.10.99

In just a week from now, I will be in Kuito, Angola for my first mission with Médecins Sans Frontières. I’ve been aware of this for some time now and, in the interim, I’ve been gathering info about Angola.

Angola is a country rich in resources such as petroleum, diamonds, and natural gas. It has the potential to be one of the richest African nations, and yet, the average life expectancy is just 40 years. How can this be? Since gaining its independence from Portugal in 1975, Angola has been embroiled in civil war between the MPLA (the People's Movement for the Liberation of Angola), and UNITA (National Union for the Total Independence of Angola). Until the collapse of the Soviet Union, Angola became a proxy battleground for the Cold War with outside nations backing either UNITA or the MPLA. In 1991, a ceasefire had been reached and a new government was mandated, however, the country has had fragile intermittent peace since.

Imagine. Twenty-four years of war. There are children and parents who have only known war. Kuito, in the heart of Angola, is also one of the most heavily mined cities in the world. The main language is Portuguese, so I’ve been doing my best to learn the language. Knowing a little bit of Spanish and a good deal of French helps.

Tangentially related, but a couple of days ago, guess who showed up at our doorstep? Otto Heckel! And at what a time! Of course he came with the same old proposal, but I calmly broke the news to him in middle of Dr. Reichwein’s beautiful garden. Of course, he didn’t take it well. Even Dieter, who isn’t terribly happy about me leaving for the next couple of months, rose to my defense. In the end, despite Heckel’s persistence, he left me with his contact information and one less box of sandwich cookies.

And with that, I say, até mais!

#rp #text

kunsel

1986 —- 1998

#reblog #gif

04.23.99

I visited Johan again today. Resting so peacefully, like any other young man, his humanity is so palpable. No amount of monster can take away our mortality; we are flesh and blood. (Would he loathe that thought?)

I realized too that his room at the hospital is rather barren. When we first met, his room was flush with gifts and get-well cards. Maybe I should I bring him something? A small vase of flowers maybe? I opened up the window at least. The weather was so beautiful today. I talked to him too.

In three days, I will attend an MSF orientation in Brussels. What lies ahead of me? I don’t know, but I hold no illusion that my decision is a grandiose one. Anything but that. There is so much suffering in this world and like anyone else I would like to do what I can to help alleviate. I admire the MSF’s self-awareness and that it’s constantly adapting itself to suit the needs of a changing world.

The other day Dieter told me something interesting. He said he wanted to become a doctor. “Why is that?” I asked. So he could help people. “What about football?” I asked. It was his back-up plan. “Why not both?” He asked me if I wanted to play football.

I’m no good at team activities. I end up getting so focused on what I’m doing that it's to the detriment of those around me. That’s something I will earnestly have to fix.

#rp #text