My Silent Cry

19 | I just want to die

[dolefulstory]

i’m to the point where i’m blasting pierce the veil in my car again

[dolefulstory]

i’m just so tired of not living my life for myself. like i want a place to live. i want a baby. i want a family. i want love.

[dolefulstory]

i’m just so tired of not living my life for myself. like i want a place to live. i want a baby. i want a family. i want love.

[dolefulstory]

you never hear me. it’s like you block out what i’m actually saying because you want to be mad at me. because you want to prove me wrong even when there’s nothing to be proven. you twist everything to your agenda. every things ends with your argument wall.

[dolefulstory]

“I just can’t think about anything or anybody and I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe. I can’t eat. And I love you. I love you all the time. Every minute of every day. I love you.”

— Lexie Grey (Grey’s Anatomy E8.22)

[dolefulstory]

tuck everything away like i’m saying goodnight to my sorrows. but not goodbye because i’ll still see them in the morning. bright and early.

[dolefulstory]

i burned myself for the first time ever instead of cutting because i didn’t have anything sharp enough to cut with fr

[fvcktimes]

[broken-depressed-hearts]

[remanence-of-love]

[dolefulstory]

if i died in texas from my arm bleeding out or something... my family wouldn’t have to find my body.. he wouldn’t have to either if i just like went for a walk or got an uber to somewhere random...

[dolefulstory]

and i was self harming then. so maybe that will help.

[dolefulstory]

and i know it’s unhealthy and i know i hate my ex for what he put me through but despite all the shit i look back at all of our photos and i look genuinely happy and in love and i feel like it was because i submitted and just sheltered all of my pain away until it was too much to bear on my own and i reached out to a new friend and he slapped me back into reality. i’m just gonna step away from reality again and see how it goes.

[dolefulstory]

and right now. i feel like a shell. like i need to just listen and follow him and be happy for him. i feel like i need to stuff every ounce of pain and worry into a secret corner. which is why i’m back on here. this will be my secret corner. i’ll get numb. i’ll ignore all the bad stuff, hide it away. and we’ll get to be happy or atleast feel happy.

[dolefulstory]

and the worse part was i hated myself. it wasn’t just not being ready because of broken trust. it was high fueled insecurity of not being enough. he said he just wanted to hang out, he hasn’t hung out in a while and all i could think was i’m supposed to see him in a week for a whole week. like we both agreed things may get better after we see each other and it felt like why couldn’t he just wait? like he’d get to hang out with me for 6 days and then if we were good or even if i got to meet the girl while i was down there... then when i got back home i would’ve been okay and ready for it to happen.

[dolefulstory]

but i still held up the facade of being nonchalant like oh yeah do what you want. what was i supposed to do? tell him i wasn’t ready for him to hang out with a girl? i can’t choose when and where and who he hangs out with no matter how it may affect me. and it would’ve hurt more for me to express how i felt and then him so it anyways ya know?

[dolefulstory]

but then i had this flashing image in my mind of me crying in a bed as he used my body. which he has never done and i know he would never do that. but that’s what my ex did and that’s what happened when i just held everything inside... that’s what happened day after day.