Adventures in Infertility

[domesticatedsquirrel-blog]

Every little girl's dream (or how I ended up in an IVF clinic)

As a little girl, I dreamed of the day I could complete my first IVF cycle and maybe, or maybe not, gaze into the eyes of my first born child.  I daydreamed of the names of which gonadotropin drugs I'd get to inject into my belly.  Would it be be an agonist, antagonist, or flare protocol?  Maybe my doctor will let me use a 1" needle for my progesterone shot instead of a 1.5" because he's worried about all those shots in my petite frame ... oh, one can only hope!   

Now that that's out of my system, let's talk about what led us to this point.  We've been ttc for almost four years.  I'm a healthy 34-year old woman with unexplained infertility, but we do have a combination of factors going against us.  I have endometriosis.  I had a laparoscopy to deal with that last year, but, alas, still no baby.  My left fallopian tube is blocked, but the right one is normal.  I have all the signs of regular ovulation, but my AMH level is 0.3.  That means my ovarian reserve is in the "very low" range. I got that news at the age of 32, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  It took weeks to get over that one.  Did I mention I've already started short cycling?  Looks like I have early menopause to look forward to in addition to the trials of infertility.  My DH's semen analysis was normal, except for the forward motility.  That was in the high end of the low range. So here we are, moving on to IVF.

Due to my low AMH level, my RE decided to put me on an aggressive antagonist protocol. He's afraid we may not get very many eggs, but assures me that they should be good quality due to my age.  We skipped the Lupon and birth control pills because he's afraid of over suppressing my ovaries.  I'll go straight into my IVF cycle once my period starts. I'll be taking Gonal-F, Menopur, and Ganrelix.  If all goes well, my RE said I could eventually move from the progesterone oil injections to suppositories.  That will be more expensive, but I think it's for the best given my small frame and aversion to needles.  We'll also be doing ICSI or partial ICSI.

If anyone out there has gone through a similar protocol and has any words of advice, I'm all ears.  If you are just finding yourself on this path, I'll keep you posted on my progress.  Maybe that will help you along in your own journey.

[domesticatedsquirrel-blog]

IVF Self Pep Talk

After struggling with four years of infertility, my DH and I have decided to dive into the depths of our first IVF treatment.  

I never saw myself going this route.  We discussed adoption extensively and were certain that was right for us.  We even became licensed foster parents and had our first placement through our home.  Our first placement could not have gone better and was happily reunited with their mother who had turned her life around for the better.  We were awaiting our next placement and had every intention of continuing that route until God placed the child that needed us forever into our home.  It could be our next placement, or it might be five years down the road before we fostered that child who became open for adoption.  We felt privileged and proud to help other families get their lives back together in the meantime.       

And then, my mother-in-law became sick.  The awful news came on New Year's Eve.  She'd been cancer free for over a year, but her last CT scan showed not one, but many tumors.  Fast forward two months, and the diagnosis was terminal.  

We were travelling nearly every weekend to spend time with her.  Foster parenting went on hold.  We knew we had limited time with her.  Knowing that adoption can take years and that our new mobile lifestyle was not conductive to fostering, we decided to go ahead with IVF.  She was a wonderful grandmother.  She had so much love to share, and we desperately wanted her to meet our first baby.  I called my RE and got the ball rolling.  We had a lot of hope my mother-in-law would be with us for least another year.  Tragically and unexpectedly, she suffered a severe stroke - the very week I was scheduled to start IVF.  We lost her a week and three days later.  She is now home with God, and we're thankful she was spared the months of suffering that were expected to come with her diagnosis.  We are very disappointed and sorrowful that she won't get to meet her grandchild, but perhaps she gets to met him/her before we do.  Who knows how those things work?  We love her, and she will be terribly missed.

Needless to say, our first IVF cycle was cancelled before it even started, so we could be with her in her last days.  I'm now rescheduled to start my IVF cycle this week.  I feel privileged and thankful that we're able to do this. I know there are many women that would give anything to be able to try IVF, but it's just not financially feasible.  That said, I am a huge wimp when it comes to all things medical, and I am dreading it to some extent.  I'm not afraid of many things.  I've bungee jumped; I fly on a regular basis; I've traveled to third world countries; I'll strap on a backpack and hike miles into the wilderness; I'll hold a snake; spiders don't phase me; I can speak in public.  But I have a terrible, irrational fear of needles.  And IVF is all about the needles ... 

I'm also well aware that there's only about a 50% chance that this will work.  Month after month, year after year of looking at negative pregnancy tests, feeling that overwhelming devastation over and over again, leaves a girl emotionally exhausted.  Infertility leaves one with a feeling of loss and grief that's very similar to experiencing the loss of a loved one.  And I'm saying that from the perspective of someone who has very recently lost a loved one.  It's hard to explain or understand unless you've gone through it yourself.  I imagine most people reading this will have some idea of what I'm talking about.  Coming to terms with the fact that I'll never have a biological child was a slow and painful process.  It's something I've become okay with.  I'm afraid to let myself get too excited about this.  How will I be able to handle it if it doesn't work? I'm already an emotional wreck.  I just need to be prepared to handle it if it doesn't.     

It's time to put on my big girl panties and do what I have to do.  I am filled with faith, hope, calmness, and confidence that this will work. I'll keep you posted.

[amerrymix]