Nothing was ever certain. Alice had learned that time and again and even now, she knew seconds could slip through her fingers like sand. Moments were but a vapor. And lives could be lost in the blink of an eye. She wondered why Dominic had come; she was almost morbidly curious to know if his ire, his anger towards her was so strong he had to make sure she knew. Make sure she saw the hardened look in his eyes. The way that conversation slipped easily past his lips, polite tone never transforming the distant look in blue eyes. She’d thought of those eyes before, hadn’t she? She’d looked at them for a beat too long, had drawn her own gaze across his fave when she thought he wasn’t looking –– and now it didn’t matter.
None of the hesitation or broken moments meant anything anymore. It had all vanished in a gust of wind. Any familiarity, anything that could be misconstrued as possible affection or attraction a ghost. She shifted from one foot to the other, not because she was uncomfortable (she didn’t wear heels for performances – quite unpractical) but she was restless. Wasn’t sure what they were doing. Or why she’d invited the Kuipers apart from the fact that she’d played one of Nora’s favorite movements and thought there was something almost full circle about it. Except the circle could never quite close, not with her gone.
“I imagine being a paramedic would be quite the rush too, but…you’re probably doing more good where you’re at.” Taking a sip of her drink, clear liquid swirling in the glass, she tipped her head to the side, that stubborn strand of hair coming loose again. But this time she left it, knowing that if she began fidgeting again, she wouldn’t be able to stop. “Jesus, I could never. Owen’s tried to get me to go but I swear I’d piss myself before evening getting up there. I suppose it’s less scary when you’ve done it…how many times now?” She had so many questions that went beyond this one. Ones that weren’t nearly so shallow…so safe. There’d always been a way she could talk to Dominic, a way they could spend a day in each other’s company and never have to skirt around much beyond the one thing Alice could never quite bring herself to admit. Now? It was like she was running in circles, avoiding land mines, avoiding the question she wanted to ask but had no right to. How are you really?
So she bit her lip, nodding. He’d come home because his parents were grieving and he was a good son. A good brother. Nora had adored him. And she knew that he’d loved his sister. “It is. He’s definitely the more sociable of the two of us. My tab’s certainly doubled since he’s moved here.” She was usually content to spend her evenings off rehearsing or walking the city, her own thoughts as company. But her brother got her out, got her to enjoy the city and sometimes, Alice could swear Nora was there on an especially rowdy night. That her best friend was laughing with her, cheering with the rest of the bar alongside her. “Yes, well, that makes sense. She just likes to nettle me, I guess it’s worked,” she smiled slightly. “She conveniently remembers the time difference if there’s a performance coming up. Funny how that works.” Alice glanced around them, keen eyes taking in the Linc before shrugging, “it is..never quite the same as playing at home but…it’s been good for me, I think.” Despite feeling sub-par to how she used to play, and despite the ache that seemed an increasingly constant companion –– it was a relief that she had this. If she didn’t, Alice didn’t know what she’d do.
“Thank you. I like working with others more than I thought I would,” Alice let out a small, dry laugh. She’d been used to working alone, performing alone or on special retainer at a venue but this had been good for her. She didn’t feel as alone. Except, right now, the venue or her performance didn’t make the slightest bit of difference. Standing opposite Dominic Kuiper had her feeling as lonely as ever, as removed as she’d ever been and she couldn’t help but sigh. “I…” I’m sorry. No. That would be an insult. An affront. Another apology that carried no weight. “I’m glad you could make it. I wasn’t…I didn’t think you would come…” So I didn’t invite you. It wasn’t a slight. Just a fear. But his presence told her as much as his absence would’ve –– he still hadn’t forgiven her. And she doubted he would.
he’d had quite a few near-misses throughout his life: with death, with relationships, with work opportunities, with small things in his day-to-day life that didn’t seem to much matter in the long run. alice had always been a near-miss, though it was more his fault than anything else. dom wasn’t a man of inaction ---he so often worked without thought, applied himself to a want or desire an attained it just as easily, operating so flawlessly on his id that it was a wonder he didn’t find himself in trouble more often than not for those desires. it wasn’t that she seemed out of reach, wasn’t that there was hesitation there for anything other than the connection she bore ---she was nora’s best friend. something of a sister to his sister, and despite the softer feelings he had for alice, he’d never moved.
but grief had easily dimmed anything that seemed worth pursuing, made him throw his whole mind and heart into work where he desperately craved the danger of his former life. there was no threat to himself at the hospital, just his patients, and dom would be damned if he put them into danger for the rush of it. the echoes of former feelings still existed, buried somewhere deep in the ache of his heart where all he could see or think of was nora whenever he looked at alice for too long. he could tell himself over and over that the accident wasn’t her fault - and he knew it wasn’t, but pushing the blame onto someone tangible made it all the easier to swallow the hurt. or rather, it made it easier to lay blind in his anger where grief existed solely and wholly all at once. even now through his politesse dom could feel his temper flaring and he was thankful that he had always been a patient man.
“ i’d tell you it’s about doing good, but i’d be lying. i basically got a free education from the military. i’m good at what i do, it’s the logical step. but it’s not my passion. ” not the way it had been before, when he was actively in the field. this just filled time until he punched his own ticket, eventually. or retired, whichever karma and fate had first for him. “ more times than i care to count back on. i think it helps that i’ve never been afraid of heights or falling. but it’s more the ... going into the unknown that i enjoyed. ” there was danger in every aspect of it and dom thrived in that. back in the states, as a civilian, everything seemed so dulled. or perhaps it was his nihilistic outlook after nora’s passing: nothing mattered, and it wouldn’t matter again. “ sometimes i remind myself that i’m back here. readjusting wasn’t easy. i keep expecting ... something to happen. but it’s just ... the same every day. ”
and perhaps some people craved that stability, but dom found himself feeling out of practice. as if sitting too idle on his hands, or just occupying time working the hours he did, doing what he did. but it kept his mind off of the anger, and that was important. “ well, they say practice makes perfect, though i know you’ve heard that more times than you care to admit. i suppose you can consider yourself lucky that you made your life’s work something you’re passionate about. most people just ... flicker through life grasping at straws for the prospect of it. or the dream dies early. your resume is impressive. ” the small talk was hard. it felt wrong to speak to someone he knew better than this as if he didn’t know them at all, but the tightness in his chest forbade anything more. he wasn’t sure he wanted to say the things that rested so fully on the tip of his tongue ... and this was not the place for them, anyway. the acoustics were too good even in the foyer of the concert hall (packed as it was) for shouting, and their business was their own.
dom heard his parents chuckle among themselves behind alice and his attention snapped to them as a reprieve. how could they seem so happy? was he the only one who was miserable? surely not, and he wasn’t so foolish as to believe it, but he wasn’t so good at pretending either. he sighed at the last of her thoughts, then swallowed another mouthful of whiskey. “ i wasn’t planning on it. my mother has an incredible talent of guilting me into things. she uh, set an ultimatum: either i came to the concert or she fixed me up on a blind date with the daughter of one of her book club buddies. i opted for the solo music experience. ”
