I'm here to party

[thisfreelife]

QUICK—Look in the mirror. What do you see? An awesome stud, confident in her own flawless? That’s what we see when we see you: A woman not playing into stereotypes, setting her own idea of beauty, and being a tobacco-free stud. You make the effort to look the way you do and the confidence you exude is obvious to everyone around you. You’re not just any stud. You’re a flawless, tobacco-free woman out to get what she wants.

[doodieme]

OMG OMG OMG

THEORY 1: this was written by a robot who almost passed the Turing test, and was only exposed to sitcoms about strong female leads who are their own biggest supporters.

THEORY 2: you write this as the aging parent of an lgbt millennial whose only copy experience are the ads you write for Murphy Brown fan fic.

Sure, you’ve got a loose grasp of how your estranged kids lifestyle and identity but that won’t stop you from trying one last time to let them know you care.

A tear streams down your eye as you write “you’re not just any stud, you’re a flawless, tobacco-free woman, out to get what she wants”. Maybe in some distant past, you too saw yourself as a flawless, tobacco-free woman, out to get what she wants.

[mountaingoatsmemes]

[doodieme]

Omg too relatable

[polyglotplatypus]

please listen to this poor man losing his shit as he reads an article blaming millenials for killing the mayonnaise industry that was written by a babyboomer upset people don’t want to eat her bland salads anymore

[amaureeniebee]

“Life is all the time” This deep thought brought to you by the sign outside of Shrimp Shack

[amaureeniebee]

Further Deep Thoughts By Shrimp Shack:

Aspire to Inspire b4 u expire 

[amaureeniebee]

A New Adventure in Deep Thoughts By Shrimp Shack: 

Now Hiring 

[doodieme]

!!!

[thismighthurt]

[dynastylnoire]

squad

[sashayed]

My coworker sent me this insane Gwyneth Paltrow jewelry ad this morning and it FUCKING H A U N T S me. SPOILERS, but I have so many questions. Is the husband just in space or is he dead? I mean, he’s dead. If you took away that jaunty French music it would be obvious that he is definitely super dead. How many of those CASSETTES are there? Putting aside how spooky it is, just visually (Does Alice ever have people over? Do they just pretend to ignore that she has this CRAZY PERSON BOOKSHELF full of HAND-LABELED CASSETTE TAPES like some Martha’s-Vineyard Fox Mulder??), that must have taken literal days of his life. Locked in the bathroom for an entire week like “DON’T COME IN HERE, ALICE, I’M BUSY.” How long ago did he go to space if CASSETTE TAPES were considered an acceptable way to record audio when he went up? He has been in space for 20 years. He is dead. What is Alice’s life now? She just wanders around her giant, spotless 900 million dollar house, imprisoned by her own privilege and the ghost of her former life. Drawing the same three drawings over and over like the kid from “The Ring.” Drinking juice from a carafe with an EMPTY GLASS on the other side of the table, presumably so she can imagine her dead space husband is there. “Drink up, darling,” Alice says lovingly, reaching into the empty air to cup an imaginary bristled cheek. “You haven’t touched this delicious guava-lavender balancing tea I brewed for you, and you must get your vitamins before you go to space.” Also, she has a picture of HERSELF next to her picture OF HIM, instead of a picture OF THEM, together, which makes me wonder: is Gwyneth Paltrow’s character “Alice” at all?? Is this like that astronaut love triangle where the one astronaut attacked the other one???? Did Gwyneth murder Alice while her husband was in space, and now she pretends to live Alice’s life????  “Alice has been such a recluse since Roderick went to space in 1996,” Alice’s friends say, not realizing that Alice has been mummifying in the charming 18th century icebox in the servants’ kitchen since 1996 and Gwyneth is the new Alice. “We’re so happy together, aren’t we, Roderick,” Gwyneth croons to her tape player, wrapping her arms around her own torso, swaying dreamily before the full length mirror, wearing nothing but Alice’s special 20-year-old surprise necklace and a wig made of of Alice’s hair. I love this commercial so much. 

[doodieme]

Uh oh

[doodieme]

Uh oh

[mikedawwwson]

Why Did They Come?

[wobblyjimbles]

TOO FUCKIN’ phenomenal to NOT reblog!!!!

[doodieme]

WHAT

[doodieme]

Ok, real talk who do I need to get in touch with to petition chelsea peretti to do a shot for shot remake of the new A Star is Born trailer where she played both characters???

[yesterdaysprint]

The Indianapolis Star, Indiana, July 26, 1925

[doodieme]

Hilary Farr is just a nickname, it’s short for Hilarious Fart

[doodieme]

I just submitted an application to a coworking space, but I also explained why they shouldn’t use the term sprit animal in their “get to know us” section so we’ll see what happens!

[doodieme]

If I didn’t have (great) insurance

Instead of celebrating hitting my out of pocket maximum, I would be $91,522.54 in debt as of today.  I would also need to scratch up $28,317.10 every eight weeks or so.  God Bless the Wild West pricing in our healthcare system. 

[dailyjackiechan]

You have been visited by the Chan of wealth, reblog this and you will have money come to you!

[misscokebottleglasses-deactivat]

I REBLOGGED THIS YESTERDAY AND LIKE 2 HOURS LATER THE WALLET I HAD LOST 6 HOURS AWAY FROM HOME THAT HAD MY DEBIT CARD AND LIKE 80 DOLLARS IN CASH WAS DELIVERED TO MY HOUSE WITH NO RETURN ADDRESS I CANT HELP BUT THINK IT WAS JACKIE CHAN WHO SENT IT GOD BLESS YOU JACKIE CHAN

[seej500]

Last time I did this it was payday so duh. Let’s see what you’ve got this time, Chan.

[seej500]

Er, actually, about a minute after I hit reblog I got some very important (and positive) money-related news out of the blue. The system works, guys.

[blackexcellence101-deactivated2]

THIS WORKS!!

[realglucose-deactivated20191201]

Doesn’t hurt to try 💕

[doodieme]

When are we going to get to see Ratatouille compete on Chopped?

[doodieme]

*Ratatouille’s monster