Hey uh, Iām gonna talk a bit
So lately Iāve been thinking about how Iāve changed over the years, and to be honest, I donāt know if Iāve become a better or worse person.
On one hand, Iāve been more grateful of the people around me, even if itās just a bit more than before, and Iāve been trying to be less judgmental and sensitive to others, but itās hard.
At the same time, I guess Iāve become more aware than a couple years back, about how I act, think, and behave compared to what others have told me. I used to just believe what others told me - if they said I was funny, I was funny, if they told me I was annoying, I was annoying, and so on so forth. I guess I just didnāt have that great of a sense of who I was on the inside.
And thinking now, Iāve come to realise just how much of an asshole I was, and am, as a person - even after being told otherwise by friends and family, it just isnāt easy to believe I wasnāt at least a horrible person in the past. I wonāt mention everything I think or do mostly for length and privacy, but I feel like in a nutshell Iām generally a person who seeks attention while being overly irritable and unable to take things into account, and a person that cannot see what people do for me.
I mean, I swear Iām trying my hardest to change, but every so often being reminded of how awful I am, makes me think of if Iām ever going to change for the better. Iāve taken up gift giving as a way to show appreciation for the things people do for me, even if it is out of pocket, just so people would know Iām not using them for my own gain, if thatās something, but in general I just think Iāve been made aware of the type of character I have, even if itās not the best.
I guess what Iām trying to say is that Iāve been thinking about how good or bad of a person Iāve been or become, and that I feel like the people that have called me out for it expect me to change who I am overnight, and no matter how much I want that to happen, itās just not something I can do, at least not without adequate time and hard work from me.
If youāve made it this far, thanks for listening to this really long rant, and if youāre my friends, I wanna say I thank and appreciate you for what youāve done for me, and even if Iāve been demanding at times, I really hope Iāve made my gratitude for you guys come across.
