i simultaneously want to hide in a cave, a self-imposed hermitage away from all civilisation, while also wanting to distract myself with 1000 different things, jumping from one thing to another. regardless of what i do, i am avoiding something.

if i look back, i am lost

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@dormidera
i simultaneously want to hide in a cave, a self-imposed hermitage away from all civilisation, while also wanting to distract myself with 1000 different things, jumping from one thing to another. regardless of what i do, i am avoiding something.
“They won’t tell you about the losing. They won’t tell you about these days, how you’re thinking that you’ve lost weeks, months, years to bliding heaviness. They won’t tell you about the missed laughter, about the friendships you could have had or the drunk feeling of experiencing an unforgetable moment. They won’t tell you about the heaviness of now. How you sometimes avoid to look in the mirror when you’re washing your hands. How you undress in the dark. They won’t tell you how you shift and fumble in every conversation, in ever little interaction in your life thinking you’re not beautiful enough to be looked at; thinking these are not the right words to say. They won’t tell you how your voice is laced with sarcasm when you open your mouth but inside of you is a candle flickering, flickering, still, asking for someone to close the window.”
— M.L.
— munajaat al-murideen, whispered prayer of the devoted
at least i’m used to living alone now. i’ve spent the past 2 years living away from my family and the last 8 months in my own flat. i’ve definitely become more people averse as a result of it.
felt sick with anxiety today. i wanted to go grocery shopping but 3pm on a sunday is probably the busiest time and i kept getting paranoid something would happen. i literally got dressed and was putting on sunscreen when this feeling overcame me, it was such a big fear i almost had a panic attack. i changed into my pjs and sat on my couch to calm myself. i ended up having the groceries i needed delivered and only ventured out to take the trash to the bins outside and check on my post. sometimes idk how much of this fear is intuition and how much is irrational paranoia.
in dedication to summer rain and the smell of petrichor
An anonymous author’s novel written on the walls of an abandoned house in Chongqing, China (2012)
justin stewart
do you remember sarajevo
https://www.instagram.com/p/B1TkQqtDydO/?igshid=1nnpm33mxsr7c
Wendy Cope, "From June to December: Summer Villanelle"
Rebecca Perry, Beauty/Beauty; from 'Kintsugi 金継ぎ'
“Stop cringing — at your future, at your failure, at yourself in the mirror — and stand up and look directly at who you are. Not who you should’ve been, but who you are now. Let that person in. Let her be as mediocre and wrong and shameful and sad and miserable and brilliant and hilarious as she wants to be, because she knows exactly what you need to feel good. She has plans for you. She wants to show you what comes next. She wants to take you into the future you’re dreading and say, “See? You never would’ve imagined this.”
— “Ask Polly: Is Life All Downhill From Here?” by Heather Havrilesky
i’m better than every man i’ve ever loved and/or idolized.
me refusing to let a man be better than me by stealing his hobbies and doing them better