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Wheel of Fortune

They say what goes around, comes around and the Universe says this too. But maybe Karma is fast asleep tonight, I don't know what's true.

She's taking her time getting back to me, I need to know about you. And all this time I've spent wasted on what went down, my dear, between me and you.

They say what goes around, comes around and my head tells me this too. But I'm losing control of it and I am also losing you.

My Zen properties have left my soul, I can't meditate through. All the pain you left behind, yet my heart still wants you.

They say what goes around, comes around and I know this believe me , I do. But I still find myself yearning... yearning my dear, for you.

You tore my heart right out my chest and dragged it through the mud. You left it lying on the cold floor in a pile of my own blood.

They say what goes around, comes around or haven't you heard this before? Karma is on my side, my dear, and she's banging on your door.

psychedelic-psychoo

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New gemstone/crystals available at ShopBenji

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Follow me on Instagram and I’ll follow you back✨

IG- @kiimm_possible 🌟

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quotemadness

“You shouldn’t have written your name on my soul like that.”

— a.y. (via inksomniac)

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“You can tell how dangerous a person is by the way they hold their anger inside themselves quietly.”

— Unknown (via hplyrikz)

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doughnutb-sad

02:00

So apparently it’s that time of the “night” again, and I’m struggling to sleep again. Or maybe that’s just because I’ve forgotten to take my meds again. Or perhaps because the feeling of swallowing 400mg reminds me of his balls in my mouth again.

It seems to be that time of the night again, you know ?When it’s so dark you can’t even see your hand in front of your face? Or perhaps it’s that time of the night when your mind races through every.single.detail. Of your life again. And others’ lives for that matter, since we’re naturally voyeurs like that. Constantly consumed in the existence of everyone else around us. Only Now and then getting smacked with an existential crisis on our foreheads. But even then, some of us aren’t broad enough to understand how crucial it is to be attentive to yourself in that exact moment.

It seems to be that time of the night again, when you dream up romantic scenarios that could totally happen, but never do. Romantic in a sense that they’re partially unrealistic. And again, often involve those around us. I guess it’s that time of the night again… you know? When your mind gets sticky… and your fingers get stickier. Maybe this is your first exploration of your beautiful body. Or maybe this is now a ritual that enables you to fall asleep easier. Trust me, that’s better than 400mg of prescribed “head pills”.

It’s definitely that time of the night again, because I still have insomnia. I still hate the taste and the texture of the fucking house-sized pills I’m almost forced to take. Forced to take, because I suck at being human. I suck at doing things that I normally could before all of ; this… I suck at understanding people’s emotions, they don’t really ever make sense to me. I am quite shit at knowing and understanding my own too. Who I am. Who am I even? I don’t know anymore. Frankly I don’t think I ever knew.

See it’s CLEARLY that time of the night again, because whatever meds I took the day before, have already worn off. And I’m left alone , in the dark. I love the dark. But the darkness tends to overwhelm me when it becomes me… or is it more correct to say that I become *it*? It’s most certainly that time of the night again, because I’m now truly “clear minded”. Devoid of the fuzz that numbs me throughout the day. It’s the time that I tend to remind myself of the robbery that ruined my life. However I’m told not to let it define me.. not to let others define me as *it*. What the fuck does that even mean? Do these “shrinks”, these professionals even know what it’s like to be robbed of something you can never get back? To be robbed of a part of you, that you probably never knew existed. Maybe that’s more tragic, so we’ll go with that one.

See it’s that time of the night again, when I’ve already tossed and turned in every kind of direction that’s possible on double sized bed. It’s that time of the night again, when I get up, with a heavy head, and an empty heart, log-like legs and drag myself to the recreation of the “crime scene”.

“Others have it worse” , I’m told this nearly every time I’m brave enough to let someone see me cry, because the pain is screaming so loud, I try to mask it, try to block it out with my own screams. People think it’s because I’m “lashing out” or that I’m “looking for attention”. And trust me, I have heard worse stories, but that doesn’t make mine less real. Less painful. Less significant than the victim next to me. I mean aren’t we constantly told that we’re all different and that we all deal and grieve differently? Maybe something that happened 6/7 years ago, left my conscious memory as soon as it started and ended. But triggers are very real, and I am now living through the pain of something I forced myself to forget.

It’s that time of the night again, where I’m walking around aimlessly, filled with an overwhelming sense of nausea. I flip the light switch on the left and close the door behind me. I undress myself really quickly and I hate it when I do that. It’s always too quick and it leaves me feeling unnecessarily vulnerable for longer than I want or need. It’s that time of the night again when I pop the plug in and turn the faucet on. And then I just wait until it’s a high enough level to cover my whole body. It’s that time of the night again, when I realize how much weight I have lost, how much hair is STILL falling out. How many bruises cover my weak fucking skinny body. Purple bruises come to my attention as yellow ones drift away from it. I don’t turn the hot water off. I leave it to burn my skin, but I never feel it. I can only see the redness that follows and the steam that fills the room. Almost to the point of asphyxiation.

See it’s that time of the morning now , where I’ve spent 4-5 hours in the bath tub emptying it out and refilling it with more hot water. Strange enough I keep cups, glasses, buckets ; any kind of object that can house a liquid. And I will pour ice cold water over my head and face. Somehow this is the jolt I need. It brings me back to reality and reality is awful. But not as awful as the demons in my head.

It’s that time of the morning now when I’ve already fallen asleep in the tub again and my calm, peaceful rest is interrupted by loud banging and concerned voices. I have to get out. But as soon as I get up , my wrinkled , beet root skin begins to quiver again. And I’m filled with anxiety and fear of my emotions for the day. I want to climb back into bed again, and just be left alone again. But I have to go to work again. And I CANNOT CRY AGAIN. I “have to be stronger than this” because I “have so much to live for”.

But nothing feels more exciting than holding my face under the boiling water to the point of choking on whatever seeps up my nostrils and slides it’s way down into my lungs. Nothing feels better than knowing I don’t have to wake up tomorrow. Because it’s my life and my decision ; but I’m still here trying to get up every day. Finding something to keep my mind occupied , finding something that would bring me joy under normal circumstances.

I’m still here at 2 am when it’s so dark I can’t even see my own hands in front of my face. When the darkness of my mind , controls my emotions and my behavior. I’m back here in my bed , trying to get up and find my way to the recreated crime scene of where the saddest robbery took place. And the child I was, paved way for the woman I am. But who am I? Am I the same at 2am as I am at 3pm? Do you even know?

harshlips

Palo Alto (2013)

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discounteddeath

thunderpopcola:

This is how you lose her.

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her.

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

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these are actually hella fucking cute y'all

noire-pandora

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

6: do you keep plants?

7: do you name your plants?

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

12: what’s your favorite planet?

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

22: are you a morning person?

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

28: sunrise or sunset?

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

33: what’s your fave pastry?

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

39: what color do you wear the most?

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

59: what’s your favorite myth?

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

68: what’s winter like where you live?

69: what are your favorite board games?

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

73: what are some of your worst habits?

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

75: tell us about your pets!

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

82: are/were you good in school?

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

89: are you close to your parents?

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?