Down the rabbit hole

This is a personal blog about myself, my mind, my journey & my struggles. Down the rabbit hole I go

[downtherabbotholewego]

Today you came to mind. I was watching this YouTube video called "Strangers Confess their Love through Love Letters". I thought of who I secretly love or loved that I wish i I could tell them now, and you kept coming back to mind, only you.

I've become very forward with my feelings, I don't regret not telling people I love them.... I may have to think to wish point I should confess my love but I don't think of anyone.... But you....

I am a contradiction, I am honest and forward with my feelings but also at the same time my heart is guarded. The deeper parts of it af least.

Even though I offer love in abundance, I don't allow myself to feel it romantically. And I think that died the day I found out you had died. So much happened after that broke my heart to million pieces and even though I kept pushing and forcing romantic feelings forward I kept not feeling them.

I am still unsure what was I feeling instead. But I was able to detach from those feelings so I know that it wasn't romantic love.... I really am not sure where to describe those cause they are so close to romantic love but not quite.

I feel deeply, but I think that the last person I was IN LOVE with, whom I never told the depths of it, was you.

I was stupidly waiting for you to come to Canada so I could tell you in person.

I wish you had come here instead of Spain. I wish I could have spend time with you, to have been able to spend hours together. I wish and I wish and I wish.

I have to stop myself from wishing with you, because then I enter in this never-ending loophole, I go deep down the rabbit hole with you. I lose myself. Is addictive. Is unbearable.

To think all that could have been but never was, and then to see in replay how your death could have happened....

And that writing, what you wrote on your blog.... I know you were describing your death. I know it because I've been close to it, I know how it feels when the mind starts to fade away.

I miss you, terribly.

I wish I could be with you, and I think this is why my suicidal ideations were so strong. I knew I would see you again... Or maybe not. I had to pull myself away from falling off that cliff inside my head.

Because I promised you, I promised you I would honor you through my life. I would honor you believing in me, I would honor all those hours we spent together online,where you were there for me, loving me, accepting me, believing in me, encouraging me.

I have searched for what you offered in many arms... Alas, I haven't found it yet. People deplete of it quickly, like it has a limit,an end, not like you, that you always offered that safe space, that you always offered freely and lovingly and unconditionally. You were my northern star, my compass, my motivator.... My muse.

I miss you deeply.

I think when I go back to the YouTube video, I think I would write to you, but would be so long of a writing. As I said, is addictive talking to you even after death. I could spend centuries just writing to you.

I miss your mind, I miss your voice, your laugh, your passion

My heart died the day you died. I am certain of it. I haven't allowed myself to love the way I love you. Cause I still to this day, just like the first time I felt love for you, and how it grew. I still feel it so deeply.

One day tho, I have to allow myself to love someone alive, some day I have to allow myself to love the living.

I am so terrified to have my heart shattered into million pieces again. Or, like it happened with you, it didn't shattered, it was swallowed by a giant black hole and I almost lost my own life in it.

But today I realized that.... I haven't allowed myself to love as deeply as I have you for fear of a broken heart.

Let the healing process begin. I know you would want this for me and I can hear you urging me to shine, to love, to live.... We were both the same type of Polyamorous, I know you want me to love passionately and deeply.

I just don't know how to in such a transactional and shallow world.... I don't know how to on a world of practicality and convenience.

I wish I could find love like our again: unconditional, pure, without expectations, simply mutual and deep and pure.

Vyktor... MyLord.... Sheratan to Alzirr... Please know.... I love you. I am still very much in love with you..... I wish I could have been brave enough to tell you back then... But I am brave now... For anyone to see...

Until we meet again,

Your Moon Rose🌹

[downtherabbotholewego]

I'm so tired of nonsense 😩

[downtherabbotholewego]

[thoughtkick]

“Stop trying to find the right person, be the right person. Instead of being with someone who makes you happy, first, be someone who makes you happy.”

— Jay Shetty

[downtherabbotholewego]

Challenging. This is what it is. I keep being challenged to grow this year. It is terrifying but so worth it I feel.... Hopefully?

I just need to figure one solid step at a time.

[thepersonalquotes]

[downtherabbotholewego]

[downtherabbotholewego]

I'm about to have an isolation episode.

Trying to do everything to not implode and push everything and everyone away but the urge is getting bigger. I'm worried because last time I felt this I dropped out of school, deactivated all my socials online and refused to see anyone for over a year.

I worry I will quit my job and spend all my days in bed hiding from the world. I can't afford that, I have too many obligations and people depending on me.... I also have pets so I know I have to get up, feed them, go to the groceries, etc.... I had made so many steps to open up and socialize but lately I have the urge to run away even if I'm having fun and I am not sure what's triggering this feeling. I don't know how to stop this but I feel it so close, specially today I already noticed myself not answering if I was okay and being all evasive ...

I don't know what to do

[leonardospoetry]

wondering…

[downtherabbotholewego]

At times.... I open up and I regret it immediately. My avPD wins and I implode. Deal with it in silence.

I hate feeling alone but I force myself into that corner.

In therapy I said "I do this to protect her".... But "her" is not me....

I think I was talking about my mother

How messed up.... That I feel I can't open up feeling that by staying silent I am protecting others....

From what? I don't get it but the feeling is so intense....

*sigh* I panicked again. I go back to my corner. I wish so badly to scream and cry and just..... Be held... Feel safe.... I wish I could be free and not alone for a change....

But can I allow myself to do that??? 😮‍💨😞

Stupid avPD... I hate this.

I am a prisoner of myself 😭

[downtherabbotholewego]

Lose lose situation 😮‍💨😞

I let go, I will end up alone, cold, stern... In deficit

I try again, I expose myself to more hurt, more tired, more struggle.... In deficit

I feel both ways I am betraying myself. 😔😔

I don't know what to do.

[downtherabbotholewego]

[thoughtkick]

“I am finding my way back to myself again. slowly, patiently, intricately. I am finding roads in between my heart and my mind that connect. I am finding melodies that taste good on my soul. I stray and i take detours occasionally, but I am finding my way back to myself again.”

— Unknown

[downtherabbotholewego]

A letter to myself:

I know you are confused and worry.... may I be frank with you?

Ultimately.... We're back to my cycles... always the option and never the choice.

Why this keeps happening? I'll never know, but that doesn't matter, what matters is what steps we do from now on.

You are abundant, you are the personification of love, and I know it might sound contradictory but I know what needs to be done:

Let's shut down the emotions, let's shut down the clouds... for when emotions are high intelligence is low and you end up in doubt.

Let's keep our journey, move forward ahead, with no resentment, no drama, nor hurt, just our head high, let's keep our grace.

I've wished for a life free from attachments or expectations, I don't wish to walk on eggshells or doubt my steps.... I'm done with judgement, I'm done with the questions... I'm done with drama and pain, I'm done with everything that makes me less than the spark and life I choose for myself.

You can't save them and they can't save you, don't allow yourself to get lost in an issue that's not yours. Don't let others to try to monitor your steps and way ... Just.... Stop ... Before is too late.

Let's not enter that realm, let's say goodbye to their demands, let's focus on the present, on what you know you must give pase and hand.

I reject entitlement, I reject their plea.... Beautiful, let's go back to what I know is your inner truth, let's fill within our cup of desires, it's time to give in.

I'm done emptying my cup with what others desire, stop before you doubt yourself and again once more get lost.

You are overthinking my dear.... Is time we move on.

But if they don't trust you, if they doubt you, let them be, you know what you are doing so keep the steps, trust yourself, you know your worth, your know your plan, you know you are in the right lane.

Remember, the only person you must be entirely devoted and loyal to, is yourself. So shut down their demons, shut down yours, shut down the pain. We simply have no space to entertain them.

Focus on abundance, focus on your purpose....

Focus on yourself. You got this ... Don't despair. I am by your side all the way.

-Myself

[thoughtkick]

“We hide pain in the weirdest places, broken souls and smiling faces.”

— Stars Go Dim, “You Are Loved”

[downtherabbotholewego]

Wow... What a journey these 3 years have been.... It has been a while. Hi again little corner of the net.

Not sure were to start.... I just read what I wrote in previous posts and I realize I didn't mentioned any of my daily self development work, maybe I will go in detail in the future, but after reading my entries I can say with confidence that it has certainly paid off and I am so glad I started to write in here, in a way, this has been a great outlet to "let things go".

After 3 years I feel a lot less melodramatic, I have been now years without feeling suicidal, the bullshit of others are not affecting me the way they used to.... My focused shifted, giving little to no space for bs and drama, even if it tries to crawl back due to external sources, I'm doing everything to move on quickly from it.

I still have my AIWS but have been coping a lot better with it. I'm actively working to create coping mechanisms against my avPD, my social anxiety had lessened, I still struggle with my OCD, C-PTSD and my Hypnopompic Hallucinations but they no longer rule my life, they are side demons that come to say hi from time to time and I've learned to not engage so much with them. It's not easy but the less time, space and attention I give them, the more I am at peace.

Sometimes I feel I am back in the hole until I read what I read here and realize how much progress I've made. I am so grateful to myself for not give up on me.

Those that were disrespecting me (well sexualizing me) are no longer in my circle of friends. Nothing personal to them but I don't wish to be surrounded by people like that. My intimacy has become sacred and reserved for very few. I am slowly working on surrounding myself with people that resonate with my values, morals and that accept me for who I am and not what I am useful for. I still have here and there people trying to push those boundaries of respect but I've learned who to let it and who to keep at bay, without drama nor issues at least in my end.

A year and a half ago I attended this boundaries workshop and the analogy that the guy shared made my entire perception change. He said: "Imagine that we are like a beautiful house surrounded by a wonderful garden and yard and it's surrounded by a white fence, the white fence is our boundaries; it is not agressive, it is not dangerous, it doesn't harm anyone, it simply separates our property from our neighbors property and whoever trespasses them we have the right to ask them to leave the premises or make sure they don't enter our property again". This analogy made me understand that I am not offending anyone with my boundaries and it would be absurd if anyone gets offended by me having a "white fence". We simply don't let others pee, shit on or stomp on our flowers, it's simple. I felt so much more freedom and I was able to approach my boundaries from a non-defensive approach and ask people to leave the premises or move my entire property away from individuals that don't understand that "no means no" in different areas of my life.

My only exception is the one that is the most difficult to detach from. I still have no clue how to proceed with this one but step by step, for now my priority is to make sure I remain stable internally regardless of what people do around me and keep my focus on what's important to me at this time.

I am at a stage where I am fed up of being in the shadows.... Slowly but surely I am letting myself being seen even if it terrifies me that some people will try to harm me or try to sabotage me by being myself. But enough is enough. This year I am claiming my power back and I am more and more surrounded by communities who encourage me, believe in me and support me.

So, today was scripting day and wow... I realized so much ... I wrote so much and I want to take my time to make other entrances on subjects I haven't touched.

All that to say that progress is made, I still am struggling with my biggest flaw which is loyalty and endurance of unfairness, but I'll get there. One step at a time. I am learning to be kind to myself and not judge myself too much on my journey. I know I am doing what I am capable at in the present moment and I am doing a great job even if sometimes I forget. This is all that matters, that I am not motionless in the same problems but rather untangling the huge mess there is due to so much that has happened all these years.

I may not be completely out of the waters, but I am no longer drowning and the water is now at my waist, not over me. I can breathe now, even if sometimes I am pulled back down the water, I no longer allow myself to drown.

Thank you, inner me, for never give up. I'm so grateful and want to imprint this here in my vent corner.

I'm glad I can write for once without being with heavy heart.

[downtherabbotholewego]

Why am I not worth of honesty? Why am I not worth a decent pure and genuine love??? Why I keep being misstreated???? Why I keep being treated like I am worth nothing, like my heart is worth nothing? 😣🥺😭