[doyoulike-whatyousee]

TW: this is an rant account please block, don’t report. Not pro anything except recovery. I talk about most of my thoughts freely here without much trigger warnings, which can be pretty dark. I do CW NSFW content so minors (hopefully) don’t read it. Please do NOT read those posts If you are under 18, im not comfortable with it.

Please use tone tags and say what you mean, don’t beat around the bush I will not catch on.

I am anti PD demonization. Disorders can’t be abuse types.

Rules or whatever:

My DM’s are always open

I don’t mind Spam liking/reblogging/commenting (unless you’re being a dick)

You can reblog rants

I do not engage in debates. Get out of my swamp

Stats under ⬇️

Height: 5’5/5’6 idk ive been told different heights by the same doctor so

SW: complex. I’ve had AN since I was like 9, but after recovering the most I ever have and relapsing, 172.

HW: 180

LW: again, complex for above reasons. But fully grown, 103lbs. Since it’s not exactly fair to say my lw was like 70lbs when that was clearly more achievable at that age.

CW: 160

UGW: 90

I keep losing and gaining the same thirty pounds 😩 it’s been two years of this now.

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

I wish she would stop bringing up calling all the freaking time. I’m not mad at her, of course. It’s my fault I won’t just say no or stand up for myself, but it would be nice if a person who knows that I am not very verbal, who is disabled, and who has in the past said they need time to recover after going out, didn’t try to push for it all the time, even when they know I’m going out to do something.

I miss bed rotting and never talking to anyone.

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

When it’s a normal morning and you get you a normal good morning text and yet you want to ruin it by asking ‘are you upset with me’ even though there’s nothing going on or any actual signs it’s just a vibe you can’t stop thinking about (:

[sawed-on-shotgun]

the human body when you use it and exist in it

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

Pisses me off that she always has to have the best and then insisting she loves me. I say no when she says that and she often asks ‘why do you say I don’t love you’ maybe because when there’s a bigger slice, you keep it to yourself. Maybe because when we go to the store and both see something we like, it has to be yours. Maybe because when using MY phone chargers you still always take the better cord even if my phone is actively plugged into it.

To love someone is to actively want to make their life better, not to take the better from them.

And no I am not saying you should never have anything for yourself, but if you really loved someone, would you not be happy to at least sometimes give them the better options or let them be happy?

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

I love that anytime I tell her I think I may have something cause I feel certain symptoms she’s like ‘well you always feel like that’ okay thanks.

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

Think I may have some type of vasculitis, I thought it was hives but they don’t blanch and they’re painful not itchy and my joints hurt and my head hurts and I feel dizzy and nauseous and I don’t have anything to test for a fever with but I feel like i have a small one. I told her this but when I said my joints and head hurt she just said ‘you always feel like that’. Yes thank you this obviously FEELS DIFFERENT

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

I love that anytime I tell her I think I may have something cause I feel certain symptoms she’s like ‘well you always feel like that’ okay thanks.

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

Ugh I hate being so fat 😭 please lord give me self control I used to have loads of it

[loveridden1999]

the thing about phone in bed is that it's so awesome. almost makes you feel like betraying & destroying yourself for nothing isn't all so bad

[shamebats]

"it's just stress" oh thank god, it's just the silent killer that slowly kills you, perfectly harmless, no need to worry

[ceruleanheaven]

[looking at people younger than me] you have your whole life ahead of you [looking at people older than me] you have your whole life ahead of you [looking at myself] its over

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

This calling bullshit is getting out of hand. She wants to do it every day. I literally cannot. She knows I hate talking and like to be alone and silent. She said she also isn’t very social or clingy etc. but of course. Why does everyone have to lie!? And it would be fine if I felt like I could say no, but just because she says ‘just so you know you can say no’ doesn’t mean that’s the reality. She knows I’m a people pleaser, she knows I have trauma, saying no is hard. So when she says shit like ‘guess we’re not calling today then’ it makes me feel really guilty and do it anyways. It also reminds me heavily of my ex trying to get me to have ‘Sex’ and she doesn’t know that of course but it’s so triggering 😭

I’m not mad with her. I never am mad with others. I’m mad with myself. For letting myself believe she wouldn’t be like this. For being such a push over. A people pleaser. God I hate myself. Why can’t I just stand up for myself? Why can’t I have the guts to say no? I hate how much I care about others opinions and feelings.

And of course to add to it, my ex. She’s upset I’m ’always on call’ and it’s making us argue more and stuff. She doesn’t seem to get just how at risk my safety is just by being in contact, no one does. No one takes me seriously. My ex could kill me. I’m scared. But I cannot do much.

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

I thought I was being more bratty than normal today but apparently not and now I am sick to my stomach… I thought I had been doing better and would give myself today to be a bit more because she was encouraging it and stuff I thought but. Well. I guess I need to reign myself in more. Idk

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

18+

I don’t know if it’s just different during sex or what, but people say all the time that they become mindless after just two or three orgasms, or they can barely handle up to twenty etc. I regularly do 3x in a row depending on the time in my cycle lol. Sometimes 5 in a row, did seven once. My max in one day is like 21 or something, was easy? It was sensitive but I didn’t feel brainless at all. Is something wrong with me? Are others exaggerating the experience?

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

I’m really going to miss it here

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

The house was sold so. Guess I am moving back to my home town. I want to come back here though, soon. I like it here. I wish my mother god that job in the nearby city /: I wish I wasn’t so broke

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

I’m really going to miss it here

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

It sucks that the way I love people is not the most visible. I love people by absorbing the parts of them that make them happy. Your favourite colour is blue? Okay well I wear blue now. Your favourite snack is whatever? I buy it now just because I thought of you.

I wish I could use my words more, but that’s so fucking embarrassing 😂