i thought these little pages trapped me. made me samller than i was and stopped my voice. but i don't know, i think i need them both.
i never meant to reduce you to a thought. maybe my deadness, alive to the deadness reminds you of your own
i slayed the heads of each flower, seeds and pollens, petals and breath, i slayed them i prayed in a sullen voice and laughed at a memory of human perserverence, so lacking intention.
i remembered a dream of exit and escape by armada, hurried, but to hurry was to tell. indecision and cross purposes the many factors wide but spun the same and had an edge.
in chapters the randomness was revealed and still compelling. each story lapped up first water after so much salt. a code was made and used amongst our kin; an edge without, an edge within we spoke our limits and so made them.
i threw a tantrum when you would not come into my house to live. i badgered you, tried forcefully. then begged you to decline my invitation. you stood ouside the door, a placid and still thing, weaponless, wordless.
i've never been this kind of rock myself before but still i know it. yes, my anger keeps a beehive and the honey is a gift to you to enjoy without debt
i need these feathers gone from me, these wings can stay. i need these feathers gone from me, glinting and catching odd wind, catching odd corners, and sticking as if saying, but i was, i really was, i really was part of what made that creature fly.
and still i could not tell, as i had long left the doorway, where and if you stood. i could not hear your leaving, and did not know it.
i must understand myself to be sick and you well. if i were not something malignant and if you could not tell. this sparking wine the only visible light, the rest are wrapped inside rubber. i expect my toes to electrocute who they come by should someone come by and suck my toes.
it's good for me to stir you up and feel your nothing energy. i know that you have mimicked me, the way i listened fluently. i know now what it's like on the side of the tongue, and want to force your speaking.
it's hard to imagine how quickly pumps the panicked rodent heart, how suddenly it knows it is not safe and works to explode. all i've shared has led to loving of one kind or another, and all i was afraid to share it turned out meant so close to nothing that a laugh or even a smile would have been enough to balance it.
and so why you won't come live in the safety and love these arms can provide, why you'd rather snap in steady wind and snap again, your own strong stalk unbreaking. I'm the best kind of shield, the one that does not lie about the possibility i may not be able to protect you. the one that knows it's made from same as swords.
i said i'd slayed the flower heads, for no reward. i said what side of battle, what my edge. i said i was as much the wind as the war. i invited you for dinner. you were hungry and would not come in.
there is no more line i could ask you to draw, but i ask. to draw a line, the smallest piece of talk, the littlest piece of frailty if you will not use the point.
i will not look to see if you have gone.