we need to talk about drarry

hallo. here they are, my Harry Potter jokes, drabbles and sometimes arts. rus/eng

[drarry-or-die]

Draco: Potter, give me the towel.

Harry: Fuck it, Draco! We’ve been dating for two years already… Maybe you’ll try calling me by my name?

Draco: Po…Ph…H…Ha…Ha-a…

Draco: *convulsing*

Draco: Hh…Har-no…Hargghnh…Graaaahh… Potter.

Harry: Seriously? Well, okay. But we’ll return to this matter.

[drarry-or-die]

Halloween party. All masked. Harry dances for so long that he literally begins to choke. He goes to the table with drinks, takes off his mask and enjoys drinking non-alcoholic lemon punch. Firstly he drinks one glass, and then the second. When he reaches for the third cocktail, a stranger in a creepy mask suddenly comes up to him, quickly shoves a piece of paper in his hand and runs away. Potter completely forgets about the punch and unfolds the message:

"My pumpkin, I want to be with you till death do us part. For your sake I’m ready to kill. And remember that you are mine or nobody's.

Happy Halloween, Potter!”

Later, in Slytherin’s living room.

Pansy: How did he know that message was from you? You were wearing a mask.

Draco: Yeah, I asked him the same thing. And he replied that maybe even if he could not see my face but the blond sleek bristles were the only one for all Hogwarts.

Pansy: Well, we should have thought about hiding it.

Blaise: Was he very angry?

Draco: And how do you think? He splashed his punch all over my costume and then threw the glass in my head!

Pansy: Oh Satan, just invite him on a regular date. Personally. No letters, no masks, no horror stories.

Draco: No way. It’s so boring. Better wait for the next holiday.

Pansy and Blaise: *sigh heavily*

[drarry-or-die]

valentine’s day 2 pt.

[drarry-or-die]

valentine’s day 1 pt.

[drarry-or-die]

before the ball #2

Here the holiday fuss begins. Pansy and Blaise run around Draco's bed, stretching Parkinson's shiny dress in the manner of a sail right in front of his face. Draco feels extremely annoyed and wants to get out of the noisy dungeons and hide somewhere far away. Crabbe and Goyle catch up on him at the doors. “Fuck off,” Draco throws and goes to the only place where he can be alone.

However, when the door to the Come and Go Room opens, Malfoy realizes that he is not alone at all. The familiar waltz sounds. In the light of the chandeliers, Potter, absorbed in the process and noticing nothing and nobody around, clumsily swirls around the parquet.

Draco can't help but smiling.

Draco: Training for the ballet, Potter?

Harry, stopping: Come up with a new joke. Malfoy.

[drarry-or-die]

before the ball #1

A few days before the Yule Ball, McGonagall has told Harry that the four champions would be dancing first. “Mr. Potter, I hope that at the ball you’ll prove yourself ... with dignity,” she added with a skeptical look on her face. Despite the dancing lessons, Harry realized that he still hasn’t remembered a single movement, although the holiday is already on its end. That evening, he goes to the Come and Go Room to practice dancing. It doesn’t occur to him to ask Hermione for help, because they were arguing too much lately, and there seems to be no one else to assist him. When Harry enters the room, he doesn’t see the usual tons of trash - in front of him is a smaller version of the Great Hall, and from the old gramophone on the lion's legs a quiet waltz melody is pouring.

[drarry-or-die]

Gryffindor common room, 3 a. m.

Draco: *pulls off Harry's pajama pants*

Harry: *moans softly*

Harry: *hears a discreet coughing from the fireplace*

Harry: Oh hi, Sirius. I didn't thought you'd want to chat today. You see... maybe it's not the best time...

Draco:

Draco: *silently pours a glass of water into the fireplace*

[drarry-or-die]

Draco: *receives hand-made postcard on Valentine's day*

Draco: Eww, it's so ugly!

Pansy: By the way, it's from Potter.

Draco: IT'S PERFECT

[drarry-or-die]

[drarry-or-die]

#headcanon

Malfoy smokes his father’s elite Cuban cigars, which cost a fortune. Potter buys the usual cheap cigarettes, which can be bought in any supermarket. Draco always grimace when Potter takes out his red Marlboro in his presence, and absolutely does not understand how he can smoke “this trash”.

But truth be told, Draco loves to kiss Potter right after he smoke, even if doesn’t show the look. And sometimes Malfoy buys the same cigarettes and lights a couple just because they smell like Harry. Perhaps he still likes the cheap-and-not-quite-matching-his-status Marlboro. And necessarily red. But he is too proud to admit it.

[drarry-or-die]

Drrarry under the mistletoe

For about a week, Draco (with the help of Pansy and Blaise) has been searching for mistletoe in the castle and beyond. According to the plan, he will lure Potter under the bush, and they will kiss, and Potter will learn about his feelings. The problem is that the only mistletoe that they found during the tedious searches is on the outer wall of Hog. And finding an excuse to go there with Potter is slightly unreal. Pansy and Blaise look at each other and sigh heavily, but continue to support Draco and his stupid ideas, because they are too good friends.

Draco: *intentionally hits Potter with his elbow during dinner*

Draco, loudly: You bastard! why pushing me?!

Harry, calmly: Actually, you pushed me.

Draco: No, it was you.

Harry: ...

Draco: Tomorrow evening at 7 at the western wall - there will be our duel.

Harry: What the f...

Draco: Just try not to come and everyone will know what a coward you are.

Harry: *shrugs* Okay, I’m coming.

Evening, against the wall. 

Pansy and Blaise stand with faces a la “why did we get involved in this”, Draco paces back and forth, glancing at his watch and complaining to friends that Potter is a coward and an asshole, and will not come at all. But he continues to wait. Half an hour after the appointed time, Potter arrives in the company of Ron and Hermione. 

Draco: You're late.

Harry: *pulls out his wand* Let's end this misunderstanding already.

Draco: *realizes that Potter is standing too far from the mistletoe*

Draco: You're standing in the wrong place. Come here.

Harry: Malfoy, there’s not enough space for maneuver where you are standing.

Draco: You're late, and you have no right to dictate the rules. And in general, it was I who challenged you to a duel. Just stand where I stand.

Harry: *comes closer*

Harry: Malfoy, what the fuck is going on? First, you made up a conflict. Seriously, you pushed me first, and then because of such a stupid reason you appointed a duel. Now you’re telling me some shit that I’m kind of not standing there I should ba standing. You know what? I’m fed up with your nonsense! What are you up to?

Harry: *looks at Malfoy for an answer and notices a bush behind his head*

Harry: Malfoy, are you kidding me? Mistletoe? Seriously? Damn, it doesn't even bloom!

Draco: ...

Harry: You're crazy.

Draco: ...

Harry: You act like an idiot, but ... Ah, never mind.

Harry: *comes close to Malfoy, takes his face in his hands and kisses him gently*

Pansmione and blairon in the background: *sigh of relief and walk into the castle togerher so as not to disturb the drarry*

Draco, catching his breath: Damn, it did not start blooming...

Harry: And... was it supposed to...?

Draco: Well, it was blooming when you did it with Chang.

Harry, hugging Draco by the shoulders: How did you... Listen, we kissed with Chang in the room of requirement, so the mistletoe appeared for no reason, and then it suddenly bloomed. If you didn’t know, then ordinary mistletoe, which grows in a natural environment, blooms only in a certain season, and not every time it goes into someone’s mind to kiss under it.

Draco: And still... I want it to bloom. Promise me we’ll do it again in requirement room.

Harry, with a smile: I promise.

[drarry-or-die]

#headcanon

Draco and Harry have been dating for some time (secretly, of course). More than anything Malfoy likes to play with his boyfriend's unruly whirlwinds-like locks. He can spend hours touching and fingering Potter's hair, because it is soft and thick, and also got indescribably awesome smell of some sweet shampoo and unknown adventures. 

One day during McGonagall’s lesson, Draco suddenly remembers that he had forgotten to send an owl to his father and asks for permission to leave. Walking past Potter’s desk, he habitually runs a hand into his boyfriend’s hair and hangs for about a minute, enjoying familiar pleasant sensations...

McGonagall: Mr. Malfoy, what are you doing?

whole class: Yes, what are you doing?

Draco: What am I doing ?!

Ron: *chokes loudly*

[harrypotterfanfictionwriter]

Monopoly

#headcanon

board games AU Potter advised Malfoys to play a monopoly, because it is “the best Muggle game,” but Draco and Lucius get serious fight aft

This one shot is based on above post. Full credit for the idea and headcanon goes to @drarry-or-die

Thank you so much darling for allowing me to use it! I hope you enjoy the fic I have written based on it❤️

"So I brought a game for us to play tonight" he said placing the colorful box on the table.

Draco looked at his boyfriend and then at the box, before just nodding. He had absolutely no clue what the game was, only that it was a muggle game. His boyfriend had explained it at their home, but Harry only managed to make him understand the basics.

"Monopoly?" Lucius drawled, "absolutely not."

"But Lucius wouldn't it be fun to play a game with the family" Narcissa asked, placing a hand on her husband's arm.

"No."

At this Harry spoke up again.

"But it's a game to expand your power and buy all the streets. While you slowly eliminate your opponents by building houses and hotel on your streets so they go broke." he explained to Lucius.

Now Lucius did look interested and both Draco and Narcissa smiled at each other behind his back.

"Well I guess we can play it once" Lucius changed his answer, managing to make it sound like a great favor that he would play with them.

And so Harry got to explaining the rules. When the three purebloods understood it good enough they started to play.

The longer they were into the game the more fanatic Draco and his father became. Each buying more and more streets. When all streets were sold they both started to negotiate with Narcissa and Harry so they would sell some of their streets so the two men could have a complete block.

The first time Lucius came on one of Draco's Street, Harry's boyfriend jumped up and almost screamed his father had to pay.

And so it went on and on, eventually both Narcissa and Harry were broke, but Lucius and Draco kept going. Building more houses and hotels on their streets, making the other pay as much as possible.

Till eventually;

"Ha! I win!" Draco jumped up, with both hands in the air.

And indeed after a quick look at the board, it indeed seemed that his boyfriend had won.

"A rematch. Now" Lucius insisted, and so it started again.

Only to play the game each and every weekend Harry and Draco came to visit.

[drarry-or-die]

uwu, im flattered~

[drarry-or-die]

#headcanon

board games AU

Potter advised Malfoys to play a monopoly, because it is “the best Muggle game,” but Draco and Lucius get serious fight after the first attempt and both run to burn down \an opponent\ from the family tree, drawing dicks on each other's family portraits and cursing Potter. The mother of the family is shocked by what is happening.

Initially, Lucius is skeptical of the monopoly, but every day he tries to return from work asap to play with his son.

Narcissa constantly complains to Severus about her son and husband - he sympathizes, but deep in his mind wants to play too, but does not know the rules, and therefore makes contemptuous faces. 

Lucius asks Severus - as a bro - to make him a fortune potion in order to win at least one game from his son. Snape refuses to “brew the most difficult potion for such nonsense,” but secretly brews it for Draco, because he does not have his own children and he loves this arrogant twat like his own son.

Narcissa regularly phones Potter and begs him to take the monopoly-game back and reconcile the fighting-on-Friday-again-one-and-the-same-dad-with-son, to which Harry sarcastically replies that he can’t ruin the centuries-old Muggle traditions. Narcissa thinks Harry is acting like a bitch. 

Dursleys - sweet cinnamon rolls, peacefully play a monopoly on holidays. They give Dudley 30 gifts, even if he loses. And also put up all the fields for auction, so that Dudley bought them. After the game they drink chamomile tea with a homemade cake.

[drarry-or-die]

ZОМБИ АУ, часть 1

Гарри стремительно летел по пустынному школьному коридору. Вид у него был, честно сказать, не ахти - волосы растрепаны даже больше обычного, рубашка, которую он всю дорогу упорно пытался заправить в брюки, снова кое-где вылезла и теперь бомжевато свисала по бокам, галстук со значком факультета небрежно торчал из сумки, лицо раскраснелось от бега, а к вспотевшему лбу прилипло несколько влажных прядей.

“Блять, и угораздило же опоздать в первый день! И к кому! К профессору, черти бы его драли, Снейпу!” - мысленно корил себя Гарри. Вместе с тем он не переставал бежать, надеясь успеть хотя бы на вторую половину урока. Да, возможно, Снейп и бросит в его сторону пару нелестных комментариев, но хотя бы не поставит ПНУП (Пропуск по Неуважительной Причине). 

Мальчик лихо затормозил на повороте и остановился, приглаживая взбесившиеся волосы. Он немного прошел вперед, стараясь сравнять сбившееся дыхание, и оказался прямо перед химической лабораторией. Уже в коридоре ощущался ненавистный Гарри запах реагентов или чего-то паленого, или, вполне вероятно, паленых реагентов. Однако в кабинете было подозрительно тихо - не слышно ни звона мензурок, ни шелеста учебников, ни резких замечаний профессора, ни даже нетерпеливо ерзающих по стульям задниц - абсолютная тишина.

Конечно, это не могло не показаться подозрительным. На секунду Гарри задумался, не ошибся ли кабинетом. Да нет же, все верно - цокольный этаж, учебное крыло, лаборатория. Он еще чуть-чуть помялся и схватился за ручку двери, намереваясь войти.

В то же мгновение на плечо ему легла чья-то тяжелая рука. 

- Что вы здесь делаете, Поттер? - знакомый голос прозвучал так близко, что Гарри вздрогнул от неожиданности.

- Иду на Ваш урок, профессор, - как можно тише ответил он, осторожно выворачиваясь из-под руки Снейпа.

- Вы идете на урок, которого нет, Поттер. Хотя бы иногда читайте объявления. А если за несколько лет деградации в этих стенах вы разучились читать, то хотя бы пусть ваша всезнающая подружка держит вас в курсе новостей. 

- То есть сегодня лабораторки не будет? - Гарри знал, что вопрос взбесит профессора, но все же решил уточнить.

- Во-первых, не “лабораторки”, а лабораторной работы, - отчеканил Снейп. - Во-вторых, лабораторная работа сегодня будет, но в другом кабинете, в четыре часа. В-третьих, прочтите же вы, наконец, объявление, когда вернетесь, и не донимайте меня дурацкими вопросами.

- Но профессор, в четыре часа мы... у нас тренировка...

- Мне плевать на вашу тренировку, или что бы там ни было. Изменения в расписании подписаны рукой директора. Лично. Идите в жилое крыло, Поттер, и приведите свой внешний вид в порядок. А мне еще нужно оцепить лабораторию, - Снейп поймал удивленный взгляд Гарри и, громко скрипя ярко-желтой клейкой лентой, добавил: - чтобы умники вроде вас не совались. Жаль, что замок не предусмотрен правилами пожарной безопасности.

- Но сэр... тренировка...

- Поттер, на протяжении прошлых двух курсов вы сосали мою кровь, и, признаться, я не ожидал чего-либо другого от этого года. Но, о Небеса! Не в первый же день! Маленький вы гаденыш, живо идите в общежитие, иначе, клянусь всеми богами, я прямо сейчас сниму с вашего факультета пять баллов! Живо!

Гарри нехотя поплелся в направлении факультетской башни. О живости, разумеется, и речи быть не могло. Ведь все лето он мечтал только об одном - снова оказаться на тренировке по футболу, почувствовать тяжесть мяча в руках, ощутить дуновение ветра на лице, вдохнуть запах топтанного газона. Снейп как по мановению волшебной палочки лишил его единственного, ради чего стоило ходить в эту хваленую школу. Нет, ну не мог претендент на должность капитана команды просто так взять и пропустить открытие тренировочного сезона! Или все же мог?

Что сделает Гарри?

- послушно пойдет на лабораторную

- прогуляет лабораторную и пойдет на тренировку 

[drarry-or-die]

Драко и Блейз пришли в Сладкое Королевство за подарком для Поттера.

Драко: А такие взять?

Блейз: Ага, я пробовал, вкусные. Еще эти возьми.

Драко: Он любит тыквенные. Нужно купить побольше тыквенных.

Блейз: Выберем сразу оберточную бумагу?

Драко: Да, давай. Мне нравится вот эта зеленая. Но Поттеру, скорее всего, не понравится.

Рон: *подкрадывается сзади* Что это там Поттеру не понравится?

Драко: *подпрыгивает от неожиданности* НИЧЕГО! ПРОВАЛИВАЙ, УИЗЛИ!

Гарри: *прибегает на шум*

Рон: Гарри, тут Малфой тебе конфеты покупает, кажется!

Гарри, сквозь смех: Оу, Малфой, выбираешь мне сладкий подарок на Рождество? Какая прелесть.

Драко, паникуя: Ты все неправильно понял! Вот люди же дарят друзьям дружеские подарки, чтобы показать, что их дружба, ну... все еще в силе... вот и я решил подарить тебе вражеский подарок, потому что мы с тобой все еще злейшие враги! 

Гарри: Не беспокойся. У меня тоже есть для тебя вражеский подарок.

Драко: СТОП, ЧТО?

Гарри: Рон, пойдем лучше посмотрим на новые метлы? *выходит из магазина вместе с Роном*

Драко: 

Драко: *роняет конфеты* БЛЕЙЗ, НУ ТЫ ЭТО СЛЫШАЛ? У НЕГО ТОЖЕ ЕСТЬ ДЛЯ МЕНЯ ПОДАРОК!

Блейз: Да слышал я, слышал.

Блейз, очень тихо: Придурки... Начните уже встречаться.

[drarry-or-die]

Can u help me find a drarry fic?

i'd love to, but i don't read fics in english, sorry.