[dreaminglizz]

mama i met a man

he’s tall and handsome and kind

his words and smile are soft and i believe the things he says to me

but i still worry it’s all a facade

i worry he’s using me and lying to me and im too naive to see it

mama love has never been kind to me

love has beaten and abused me left me bleeding on the floor

but this man is really special to me and my therapist tells me to trust and to keep loving until i find somebody different and i wonder if that somebody is him

im scared to trust and scared to let him in

i don’t want to bring my walls down for another deceptive soul

because every time they break me i build those walls back stronger and i fear that one day i wont be able to take them down

so mama tell me how do you know?

how do you know who will break you and who will heal you

they all say the right words and the liars are more convincing than those who are honest

and im tired of misplacing my trust with those who only want to hurt me

[paper-wounds]

[dreaminglizz]

if i send you a photo in lace and a provocative pose

with your eyes drawn to my curves

would you gather the might to see beyond

and ask me why im bleeding?

[dreaminglizz]

My therapist tells me to trust

She tells me healing is through connection

And if I open my heart I will find love.

What she doesn’t tell me is that nobody asks

They’ll give you the casual hello how are you or ask you whats new

But they don’t want to hear how getting out of bed is harder each day and all the pain of the past still aches like it did years ago

They’d grow uncomfortable or tell you that you need help

If you do find someone who understands, they’ll open themselves to you and never offer reciprocation

Raving about how good it feels to finally have somebody to talk to.

You see, I’ve always had a rule

If they ask, I will tell

And only one person

has ever asked.

[nixscriptum]

[dreaminglizz]

He tells me about how I was as a child

He says I was so graceful and forgiving

So imaginative and happy.

I just smile and nod as I look away.

In my mind Im yelling

You killed her! You took the light in her eyes and smothered it, her voice and silenced it, her joy and kept it.

That little girl that was so bright, that could’ve done anything

You killed her and buried her in the yard with all the other souls you’ve stolen and kept as trophies of your power

I am a shell of the person I was and could’ve been

And I grieve the loss of myself every day that I live on.

[dreaminglizz]

My hair that used to float above my shoulders now sways down at my hips, and I realize its been years since I reached for the scissors and haphazardly cut inches off. I think of Native culture and growing their hair to their feet, only cutting it off in times of grief. I quietly come to realize that I, too, was grieving, for all those years. I was grieving the loss of myself. But as my hair has grown, so have I, and I suppose I found whatever part of me was once so lost.

[dreaminglizz]

A fiery rage burns in my heart

I am suffering

Fighting the same war for twelve consecutive years

I’ve lost more of myself than I ever even got to know

If my ailment was physical they would understand my choice to give up

They would respect it and call me a warrior for surviving this long

But this sickness is in my brain, eating holes through gray matter until nothing feels real and all my memories hurt me

Why should I have to suffer

Why would I be a coward

Just because my mind is ill

And my body is not?

Disease of any kind will progress

And mine has reached its fatal ending.

[dreaminglizz]

I want to live in these moments

Free from space and time

High out of my mind

Laying in my bed under the moonlight

My cats, my babies, sleeping soundly next to me

Safe, quiet, home.

Much different than the four walls i grew up surrounded by

And this feels much more me.

[dreaminglizz]

There comes a point whrre you realize

You’re tired of the way things are

But you don’t leave because you know

You wouldn’t be able to live any other way

-Neglect is all i know

[dreaminglizz]

Brown eyes and black coffee still steaming. The ink of my pen draws circles on a page, drawing circles around the fact that i like him, i do, and the only words i know are ones that compliment him. I write what i feel and today i feel him, consumed by the thought of his smile and the way in which he looks at me. When he jokes and checks if im laughing too, when i joke and his gaze lingers longer. Its childish, i know, but i think of him often and i wonder if he thinks of me too.

[dreaminglizz]

I saw a psychic today

Thought about asking if id ever find happiness

But I knew the answer already and i don’t think i could handle hearing it said out loud

Because nothing ever lasts except the sadness

It lives in my chest and haunts me in my dreams

Temporary relief is only that - temporary

The drugs sent it into hiding but when they wear off it finds me again

Alone and tired

And it tells me none of this is worth the effort it takes just to stay alive

So i sit there and listen to what else the psychic has to say, what predictions he has for my future

And i wonder if I’ll even be here to see his hypotheses come true

I wonder if i even want to be.

[dreaminglizz]

[dreaminglizz]

Im thinking of the things he said

When i talked about my sister and he asked if she was the only person i loved

When i spoke of something else and he asked if it was due to trauma

I wonder if he’d really care

Does he really want to know?

What Ive been through and the things that ive done?

I would tell him if he did

Id tell anybody if they asked.

[dreaminglizz]

They tell you it gets better

They promise that someday you’ll laugh so hard your ribs hurt again

That you’ll be able to fall asleep without that ache in your chest

But it’s been twelve years since i last felt okay

And it hurts as much today as it did all those years ago

And i wonder

If maybe it doesn’t get better for everyone

Maybe some of us were born to hurt

And i talk about the trauma with my family who knew me then and every word is in past tense and they don’t know that i still spend every day wishing i were dead

I suppose the only thing thats gotten better is my ability to hide the pain

[dreaminglizz]

But im lost and i don’t know

I don’t know how to love i dont understand what it feels like or what to do with it

You had the world in your hands, outstretched and offering it to me. I admired it for many months then left without taking it

I don’t know why i did it

I know something didn’t feel right to me

But you were so perfect, so healing for my soul, and you understood me like no one else could

And i left

And the thought of that being a mistake echoes through my mind day in and day out because losing you felt like the burning of the Library of Alexandria

Was it right? I don’t know

I don’t know

I don’t know

I don’t know

[dreaminglizz]

I moved out of his house

to escape the way he made me feel

But now i live alone

And the feelings still there

And I’ve learned its me

Who makes me feel so poorly