Someone can always do my job better than I can do it. And quite frankly I am tired of fighting it. Every position I have held in my office, I have had to fight off Puranas, or so it feels. What’s wild, is that I am not even bad at my job. But I am tired of fighting for my position there. And thats exactly what they make you do, day in and day out. On top of the drowning work they make you do, because my office likes to work harder not smarter. As with my personal relationships, I have chosen to keep my mouth shut recently. More so observe how people behave. While 99% of the time, I do not entirely understand what people gain, I am also not dumb, and see what they are trying to achieve. The most exhausting thing in life is to have to fight for your existence. I am tired of fighting for my own. If i do not belong in the world “out there”, I am okay with that now. I honestly just don’t have the energy for people anymore.
“People who go to therapy, go to therapy, because the people in their life who NEED to go to therapy, won’t go to therapy.”
And there in lays my life.
It is utterly exhausting trying to fix ones self every moment of every day to try to be the correct version of myself to appease the “social norms” of every (literally every single) moment/situation/encounter. The constantly having to know that if this happens act like that, is drowning me. Be mindful to fight off the daemons that consume your head, push away the negative thoughts and focus on the good ones, all while staring the mother fucking devil in his face every moment of your life.
I have no problem at all being grateful for things, finding beauty in the world, appreciation for the moments, and even finding happiness in there, every day. But recognizing, and feeling all of those great things, doesn’t mean that the shitty stuff isn’t always there too.
We all have a story, i get that. Most people’s lives are far from a fairytale. I am not so ignorant that I do not get that. But like everyone else, I have my own story. To date, I have found that it’s a pretty dark story. My story is the thing I have been running from all this time. I don’t like my story, I don’t want to write it the way its being written, but, damn, no matter how hard I try to change the narrative, I feel like i have no control. Like i am a byproduct of my own life.
So how do I change that? Take control of ones own self. That is easier said than done when you still have life responsibilities. Also known as requirements to uphold relationships because while I hate relationships with people, I also understand that they are a requirement for the living. So how does one take control of one’s self? You “learn to love yourself” as they say. How does one do that? Well they say, mindfulness, physical exercise, a healthy diet, positive daily affirmations and hobbies, meditation, relaxation. I do all of those things to some degree, and I will say, while I have changed over the past two years, change is inevitable. Everyday holds a different page in the story of life. Sometimes it tells a continuation of the days passed, and sometimes the days ahead, and sometimes the very moment we are in. But despite doing all of those things most days, working, caring for people, upholding my responsibilities, I am not by any means cured. I still battle this unwavering massive depression, debilitating anxiety and panic attacks, constant worry, every moment of my life, the exhausting fatigue and consuming want to give up.
