So... I haven’t been feeling great still. You could argue I’m not trying hard enough to, but I just don’t have the energy, lately. But yesterday? Yesterday was different.
I got up, and I had food. I figured it would be cool to just walk downtown, since it wasn’t obscenely cold out or anything, and see where the day took me.
I found a cafe, with a four leaf clover on the sign that swayed in the wind. I may not have felt lucky in ages, but whatever helps helps, right? And plus, warm beverages are always good.
The place was pretty quiet, save for four girls probably about 5 years older than me. I ordered a peppermint hot chocolate, and sat down, only to find a few minutes later they had abandoned their work and decided to sit with me.
They told me they just felt like I seemed lonely and they got this feeling that I needed a friend today. A friend who could talk back, added the one, nodding to my trusty “corgi.”
And that’s when I fell apart. Vulpecula hopped onto my lap and they all grouped around me, asking if I was okay with hugs. I don’t remember how long it’s been since I got a hug like that, halfway through my head nod. One brought a tissue, another scolded her for going underboard and grabbed a whole box, followed by someone bringing a whole unopened package of tissues. They obviously wanted to make me laugh, and it did.
“Don’t know if you want to talk about it, but here,” said two of them, and they ran into the back room for a few minutes before coming back with a beautiful crystal pendant. It was pink, on a blue cord.
“Rose quartz. It has healing energy, and it’s meant to comfort you,” said the green-haired one.
“And blue because it looks nice with your eyes!” said the one with a red ponytail.
“So... different small talk opener? What’s your name, dear?”
“Oh, nice to meet you Aislinn,” one said, pronouncing my name with an ‘ash.’
“Oh come on, don’t be a name snob! Not everyone knows the intricacies of Gaelic naming.”
“True. And my mom and dad are two of those people.” I dabbed at my eye with a tissue, catching the last of that outburst of tears. “I’m used to how it’s always been, but I like the little hidden part of it. People often tell me I have a fiery personality,” I said.
“Oh! A kindling spirit!!” shouted the pink-haired one.
“Don’t you mean kindred?” added the blonde.
“Not when kindling is a fire pun!”
“I gotta say, it’s pretty lit!” I added, with a smirk and a laugh contrasting my tired eyes and weak voice after my little breakdown.
“Oh, I like you!” She grinned. “I’m Hisa. And yes, I’m also a pretty fiery person, some would say. I make the rice balls, and you get a complimentary one. Fire friends discount!”
“Mina,” added the blonde, adjusting her glasses. “Smoothies and parfaits.”
“And I’m the resident tea snob, Aki! And, of course,” she added, tapping my cup, “the hot cocoa. Which I will absolutely refill if needed, hun.”
“Which leaves me, Chiyo! I bake. New pastries every day, depending on what I feel like baking. And we welcome you formally to the Cafe Yotsuba!”
I hadn’t felt so comfortable around people in so long. These girls felt like the kind of people I could trust.
“Cute friend you have there, by the way!” Chiyo interrupted my thoughts. “What’s their name?”
“Ah, a little fox!” said Aki. “What a sweetie! And fitting, too!”
I could practically hear their voice snickering in my head.
“Thanks... it’s been a while since I really talked with people, so...”
They nodded, and I could tell they were encouraging me. And if they would listen, maybe it would be a good time to let it out after keeping it all bottled up for so long.
“I... a while ago, I lost my best friend. And it started a whole adventure of emotions and trauma. And then it feels like... it feels like it’s hard to get close to people again, and if I manage to... it’s like I lose them again and again... there’s been a lot of that happening lately. And I haven’t felt okay in years... not at all...”
They all gathered together to envelop me in a group hug again.
“It’s hard to talk about, but... I’m just lonely, and I don’t know how to talk to people anymore. So much about me has changed, and I feel detached from everyone else...”
“Aislinn. She loves you. I can tell.” Aki said, holding my hands. “I can feel these things, and even though I don’t know her, I feel her presence radiating around you. Not literally, but... you know, people always leave traces with those they care about. And I think that energy is what led me to the rose quartz for you. Part of her is forever with you, guiding you, trying to help you heal.”
“I just sometimes... sometimes I feel selfish for wishing it was me. I’d rather take the burden of living without her than leave her in the same place.”
“It’s okay to mourn, dear. It’s part of you. It’s how your heart is meant to work,” said Mina.
“It hurts, and it’s okay to feel that. It reminds you you’re living. And that you can make a difference. Even with the smallest step, by living on, you’re carrying her legacy with you to whatever greatness might come. Even if the greatness is getting up in the morning, or coming to a cafe full of four weird girls who gave you a weird rock.”
“I mean, I hate to break it to you, but...there’s five of us here,” I said, smiling, then nodded to a Vulpecula who seemed very indignant at being ignored. “Well, six of us.”
“The more the merrier!” Hisa grinned, then looked at me with a more serious expression. “Aislinn, it sucks whatever you went through. All of us can feel it’s complicated and raw. But I can speak for all of us when I say, your aura is like... a bonfire. You radiate strength even though you might not feel strong. I’m glad you found us today. I hope this is only a start.”
“Oh, it is...” I nodded, sipping my drink. “There’s only been a few people who made me feel even close to being at home like she did. And it’s been a while since I could let anyone else in. So... thanks for being here.”
“Thank you for coming!” said Aki. “I look forward to seeing you around.”
“We all do!” added Chiyo. “And if you need to talk, just stop in. Or if you wanna exchange numbers...?”
“Sure, of course!” One by one, they handed me their phones to add my information into. As I typed away, Aki left and came back with a fresh hot cocoa, as promised, with a few heart-shaped marshmallows.
“You seem like an interesting girl, Ais. I know it’s hard to talk about hard stuff, but I think it’s helpful if you do. In your own time, of course.”
“Well, to be honest, it’s also hard to talk about because it’s... such a long story. And I guess kind of hard to believe.”
“Oh,” Hisa said with a little smile. “I got the feeling that might be the case. But I think you’d be surprised what kind of stuff we’d believe. We have our own surprising stories, too!”
Seamlessly, she led this transition to a lighter conversation. For a while, we laughed about those stories. Tales of funny coincidences, their entertaining antics as cafe co-owners and roommates, and more. I felt like it was easier to be normal around them, and maybe it was because they weren’t as “normal” as I feared they would be. They were fun to talk to, and it was a nice distraction from my regularly scheduled programming of tired, sad numbness and angry thoughts.
After a while, I decided to head home before sunset (mostly because they convinced me, since I obviously wasn’t uncomfortable in the dark at all.) I texted them once I plopped onto my bed, since the girls also threatened me if I didn’t let them know I was home safe. It was nice, knowing that in one afternoon they grew to care about me that much.
I felt understood, for the first time in a while. Maybe they’d even understand the real story, and maybe it’d help. I’d need to get to know them, but I had a good feeling about them. Not like my counselor, who can only be so helpful when I have to omit most of the story because I don’t want to explain spirits and magic and all these things I hardly understand enough, even after all these years. Plus, she doesn’t deserve having to hear about my convoluted experiences with a side of pyromania.
I feel lighter now. And while I still miss you, Mie, and the others I don’t get to see much, I’m glad I was able to find a new place to be. And some new friends.
And if it was you, or a part of you that’s also part of me, or whatever it was that led me there... thank you. The only reason I’m still moving forward is because of you. It hurts every day, Mie. I won’t lie, and I’m sure you know. But as long as I’m going on, no matter how little progress I make, they still haven’t won. And I’ll fight for you for as long as I have to. I’ll fight the baku, I’ll fight my negativity, and I’ll just fight to live every day in your honor until I hopefully get to hold you again. You’re where my greatness comes from.
I love you, Miesha. And I always, always will.
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