dreams&vapors

“In the life of a man, his time is but a moment, his being an incessant flux, his sense a dim rushlight, his body a prey of worms, his soul an unquiet eddy, his fortune dark, his fame doubtful. In short, all that is of the body is as coursing waters, all that is soul is dreams and vapors. " -Marcus Aurelius

[dreamsandvapors]

hard lessons shape me but the fine lines that define my individuality come from the  joy and beauty that i choose to see when i am in the depths of chaos and suffering my chisel is made of taking personal responsibilty for creating that which brings me happiness. its not the mess but how i greet it, that moulds my integrity.

[dreamsandvapors]

i spent my last dime on poor life choices it seemed smart in the moment but it really wasnt worth it ‘cus cheap tricks can’t last when they’re built in the mud i should’ve seen it coming but i was on the run, running from myself and everything else that reminds me of the ways i neglect my heart and health on the back shelf where my dreams are all withering waiting for the day i’ll pick em up again and give them some love- don’t we all need some? fullfillment from better places soothing all our aching spaces with hope of all the things yet to come 'cus life keeps on changing and i know its bound to come along long long ways from my dark and dirty days when i used to sulk around trapped in the haze of apathetic tendencies anxiety overwheming me now i know i have the strength to embrace and create love in all directions i’m placing all my bets on our ability to shape a destiny that has the space for conscious power placed in the hands of our hearts trust respect and faith in the sacred dance to the song of change.

[dreamsandvapors]

i found a treasure in my travels, a small unspoken token. new life emerges when we break the fragile shell that holds us.

[halfpassednever]

when you pick a flower bud and it dies before it blooms

my heart is leaking fears filling up faster than i can pump it out my mind is full of doubt showing me how to make my nightmares come about: like moths to a flame. how easily i build my house on shame, with trust thrown to the dust. we all die one day.

[dreamsandvapors]

jera

as you sow, so shall you reap time tends to everything he comes, sprinkling change, the dust of dreams in our eyes, while we sleep. dreams feed the soul seed as you sow, so shall you reap there’s more to growing than sowing seeds, for the seed that grows is the seed you feed.

[dreamsandvapors]

turning the page

fuck this heartsick bullshit.

i need to feed from my roots: grounded in a deeper sense of truth than someone elses validation. im done dancing with trepidation. ive got ample strength and courage, for today. and when tomorrow comes, i’ll greet it with the same.

[dreamsandvapors]

words ease my pain, like a tap to the vein. they break and tend drain and mend rip and fix drip drip drip stitch stitch stitch

[dreamsandvapors]

when we get hurt we get cold cold cold we let our let our love fall far down like the snow snow snow fresh frozen covers upon the anguish and pain glowing white purity to cover the anger and stain when we forgive spring quickly descends golden heart rays melt souls thick insulation until love can be felt new buds spring forth crocuses up from the earth sings songs of great joy tells tales of new birth.

[dreamsandvapors]

my heart, my heart its breakin all apart like ice in the spring cracking on the lake melting and revealing all the rot and death that the white snow hid.

im sick, im sick puking and purging like the swollen brown river twisting and churning cleansing the land for another turn of the seasons.

ive lost all my reasons but i dont really need them like a cherry tree sings at the strike of spring fearlessly blooming before its leaves have grown in.

[dreamsandvapors]

a fool's dream

I’ve been trying for so long to gain your trust. I am frustrated. I feel like I’ve desperately pulled out every last stop, every futile maneuver, and yet your testing is still not complete. I’d thought I’d given you everything I had, how many times? And you think of yet another sacrifice I must make to prove… Prove what?   My trust?      Don’t I come back, day after night after day, stomaching the pain of all the      ‘tests’ of the past?   I forgive and you forget.   I can’t forget. And my loyalty?  Have all the days passed so fast? Passed from your mind so quickly?  Have the tears, and the strength,    and the blistering heat from the forge of adversity      in the moments we, together, faced         mind, body and spirit          attest to nothing?  If so, I fear the sign post at this fork spells out:       “ABANDON HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE” But is it just another test? If I continue on, down another bend, will I find you: clad in hope, smiling, arms out reaching, waiting, saying:  " You knew! Not to listen to the sign!“ What if not? Endless bend after endless bend…  What if I can never pass your tests?    What if..      they aren’t meant to be passed?

I’ve shown you my heart. Every crack, every flaw. I’ve dissected and carefully evaluated each piece in your presence: demonstrating, hoping to convince you of, my gentle and tender hand, deft and considered movements.  "See how I handle these shattered pieces” I think, “surely you can trust me?” But inevitably I find that the pieces of my own disassembled heart aren’t fitting back together in quite the manner I’d imagined..  and I retreat, broken-hearted pieces in hand, bumbling, falling, clattering and shattering more, The one affirmation you need: I can’t be trusted. Your inner world is too fragile for a fool like me. My love makes the bricks that build the road to hell. If I disagree, you won’t trust me. If I agree, you won’t trust me. Check-mate.

[dreamsandvapors]

they say every cloud has a silver lining. they don’t say every cloud is made of tears and dirt.

[dreamsandvapors]

we’re all working through shit i hide mine with wise quips and regurgitated quotes about intangible ideals i hope to hold but cant seem to grasp in practice i’m an ass a social fucking mess i always second guess can’t put my doubts to rest

i need more time and space than my peers to process i’ve made my home amungst the mess i’m relentless about putting myself through tests to put it bluntly i’m obsessed with digging through myself despite the occassional costs to my mental health i’ve got a different sense of wealth that can make it hard to relate to the common state of the people of these degenerative days.

[dreamsandvapors]

I'm in the hands of my habits, it's a vice grip. through reactionary impulse the unconscious gets its fix.

[dreamsandvapors]

change

     What’s the word for the five pound weight hooked through my heart, swinging like pendulum, keeping count of the seconds that have passed, pushing and then pulling in time with eternal tides?      What’s the word for these moments as they push: squeezing and working and kneading out               every tear, every hope, every dream, laughing, always laughing at its own grand cosmic joke?        What’s the word for this space that keeps grinding me to a paste in these odd and peculiar ways?

[dreamsandvapors]

the veil is thin today heard another friend walked into the greater beyond the winds are wailing a song to keep me anchored to this moment fleeting fragile raw

[dreamsandvapors]

got some traditional mendhi recently

[dreamsandvapors]

my grief is like the open sea: vast beyond comprehension. currents that are stronger than I carry me out to its center where land, that symbol of stability, fades away, and all thats left is memory. some days the sea is calm, glassy reflective, and I can appreciate the insight she gives me. some days the wind whips, and the ocean becomes frenzied. waves are steep like mountains and I cant imagine that i'll ever make it out of the trough, that i'll survive long enough to see dawn break on a different day. my grief is like the open sea: a powerful force which threatens to break me should I resist. so I release, and let it shape me.