dreaming awake

[dreamsprouts]

May 14, 2019

Becoming someone who’s independent and can speak her mind is the most difficult part of growing up.

[dreamsprouts]

The sacred rights of mankind are not to be rummaged for among old parchments or musty records. They are written, as with a sunbeam, in the whole volume of human nature by the hand of the divinity itself and can never be erased or obscured by mortal power.

Alexander Hamilton

[dreamsprouts]

May 4, 2019

Happy Star Wars Day! (Officially a holiday in California starting this year—what a time to be alive.) May the Fourth/Force be with you.

A thought: As much as I want to act upon my immature inclinations and distance myself, I couldn’t help but be drawn in by her warmth and kindness today. She’s still the same friend I’ve always known and grown to love.

Maybe there’s a small hope that I can overcome these festering feelings and learn to accept reality.

[dreamsprouts]

May 3, 2019

I can’t erase the memories. I can’t erase the friendship. Now, every fond recollection is tainted by this revelation, a reminder of what I’ve lost.

[dreamsprouts]

May 3, 2019

My mind is split in two: a brooding, hurting, raging irrational mind, and a weak, fearful rational mind that’s trying to speak reason to its other half.

Even though I’m trying hard not to think, and both minds have agreed to stay silent, I feel utterly broken.

[dreamsprouts]

Review – William Shakespeare’s Star Wars: Prequel Trilogy, by Ian Doescher

So, I decided to read the series in chronological order, rather than publication order. I still believe publication/release order is the best way to read a series because the lore of the series builds upon each other with each book, and context only makes sense as context (and would be more meaningful/poignant) if you’ve read the previous “future” books. In this case, I just thought it would be more fulfilling to see the entire saga unfold as events that lead directly to one another, but in retrospect, I think it would’ve been better to read in publication order (beginning with the original trilogy).

Verdict: Three stars. Ian Doescher does a stellar job in converting three movies of terrible plot, dialogue, and characters into a believable and insightful Shakespearean drama. The soliloquies that explore the characters’ inner thoughts and motivations added another dimension that was sorely absent in the movies. Overall, it was an amusing reading experience. Probably wouldn’t read this trilogy again, but I’m still eager to read the original trilogy soon!

[dreamsprouts]

May 1, 2019

There is a lot less activation energy needed to write my thoughts out in a post than a physical journal entry. The only downside is I’m broadcasting my personal life out to the shapeless void of the Internet where unknown eyes may peruse rather than the private pages of my journal. But I gotta do what I gotta do to let the swirling cascade of thoughts in my mind find calm through seeable words.

[dreamsprouts]

May 1, 2019

A thought on health that I had scribbled a while back:

Health compounds for good or bad. At 65, I would still like to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit, albeit more wrinkly. So, that means the choices I make today have great importance and impact, for good or bad, healthy or unhealthy.

And future me would like to add: this is an apt description for all aspects of life, whether physical, financial, emotional, or spiritual.

Chaos theory.

[dreamsprouts]

May 1, 2019

Yesterday, I had a disastrous conversation with a friend over the phone. I had not talked to her in a long time, and when she said she was sad/disappointed that she found out I was going back home from someone else and that she wished she had heard it from me, I tensed and clammed up for the rest of the conversation. Guilt and a strange anger grabbed my throat and choked me. I thought she was unreasonably demanding too much of me, out of proportion to the depth of our relationship as it currently stood. 

I don’t have anything good to say right now, only questions of hostile, defensive blame that are burning through me along with the other broken, pain-filled thoughts.

[dreamsprouts]

April 30, 2019

I have become shallow because I am afraid to expose or explore the depth of my burdens.

[dreamsprouts]

April 29, 2019

Today, JH shared a video with me on the subject of contentment, thoughts from the singer songwriter Sam Ock. I liked the style of the video, first and foremost. It was stream of consciousness, rather than a heavily edited video of pieced-together clips of the "good parts." It was 100% pure, unfiltered honesty, straight from the dome. From listening to him, I could tell that he’s a thoughtful and deep person, someone who's really trying to understand the meaning and purpose of life. When he talked about his vision about living a content life looking like a small rural town life, I was like "Hah! That's something I've been thinking about, too." I really believe people were happier back then, when there were no smartphones, constant information overload through news, social media, and entertainment, and people just had each other to talk to and listen to and they had time to think and enjoy life through their own eyes. The quality of life definitely wasn't as good as it is now though, with sicknesses that couldn't be treated and civil rights/moral progress still becoming established. But there were aspects of the old society that are sorely missed today, that I think made us better people. Nowadays, it's hard to sit still because we feel like we need to catch up on everything, be in touch with everything, and "life" seems to move past us at a breakneck speed. We can't find rest and contentment with all these distractions feeding the restlessness inside. I also liked Sam’s point about God giving Adam work to do before the Fall, meaning that work is a part of man's purpose and existence, although not the fulfillment of our purpose and existence (only fulfilled through God Himself). That's an important distinction. Sam also talked about moving slow as a beautiful thing, which I agree with. We don't have to be moving at a breakneck speed all the time. That leads to burnout, quickly. Life is an undulation, moving from one state to another state, back and forth. In Ecclesiastes, Solomon says, "for everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." Moving slow, for the right reasons (that sometimes remain obscure and unknown to us until we're able to see in hindsight), is just another phase in the journey God’s planned for us.

[dreamsprouts]

April 24, 2019

A birthday is any other day. I share this birthday with 8 billion people divided by 365.

[dreamsprouts]

April 23, 2019

I dislike this constant browsing of the news. I think it's clogging up all the room in my mind, stealing my attention and creating needless anxiety. We could easily get caught in the trap of looking for what's happening instead of spending time to ponder why these things happen and what we could do to prevent and make them right. That's what I want to do instead.