to the moon!

personal + bts blog💕

[jminies-deactivated20180211]

nice

[dreamy-stars]

7/30/20

i’ve never felt this low in a long time, not even in sophomore year of college?? it’s like rly concentrated sadness and rly hit hard within the last month?

- i went through my first breakup, which affected me a lot more than i thought it would. it was so short lived i don’t even want to call it a relationship. i hate to admit it but it hurt so much bc it seemed like he wanted to be with me for a while. he has his reasons and he should take care of himself but i can’t help but feel thrown away without care? i wanted closure and he couldn’t even give me that. my self confidence went down the drain, and i kept questioning if there was something i could have done differently. i even contemplated if i was pretty enough XD can you believe i let a 5’6 man make me feel like this...pathetic...but yeah he rly has no emotional intelligence or something man cmon i wanna talk it out.. - it took me a while to get over him and now i dont miss him specifically, i just miss being wanted and having that connection? anyway my confidence was bad at this point and was feeling insecure in so many ways. maybe 3-4 weeks ago i started going down this dark hole, just questioning my purpose here. i’m not smart, pretty, or talented in any field. i felt kind of useless? just there... (even typing this im like tearing up hehe) comparing myself to ppl again..how i’m not good enough (in eng) just kinda wasting my parents money? and i think about if i were prettier i’d prob be treated better and those around me would pay nore attention to me? brings me to my next point :p - i feel SO lonely. it doesnt help that i went through a break up and the person i was talking to all day every day is suddenly cut from my life. my friends can contact me and stuff but i feel so left out sometimes. it’s not their fault, it’s just how my brain is ig lol. it felt like i was back in high school. i had acquaintances and was surrounded by friends but couldnt rly connect and be close to ppl. what i remeber most was being at the booth and being surrounded by girl friends and not adding to the convo at all. i felt so lonely and insecure i never want to feel that again. recently i felt it with my cousins who i have always felt close to. can u believe? i can’t rly explain it. but when sp brought her friends to the lake i felt ostracized. its so stupid for ne to feel that way, they’re literally strangers and i wish we could be like white folks that introduce each other right at the start of meeting new ppl U KNOW?? idk i’m so fucking sensitive LOL. like at least mai did it with her bf. I Am Nothing. like sp didnt introduce tp so why am i feeling like this. i guess its just me and my deep rooted trauma of being overlooked and forgotten! even when we went to the lake with just our cousins i felt SOOO SOOOOOOOO down and lonely, even more than before. i was sticking near ap bc it was kinda awkward still and i didnt want her to be lonely. i was just floating around and they played games and talked together and stuff and i felt invisible i felt so lonely even with so many ppl i love there. it didn’t help that they had sleepovers and hung out together so ich and never asked me. they even planned to sleepover later that night and didnt ask me. i wonder if it was bc i was neutral and stuck with ap? oh yeah i forgot that i couldnt go eat with them bc there was no room for me which is understandable but i still felt shitty and i think i cried that night :p it’s small insignificant things that build up for me and make me feel like an afterthought. it rly fueled my self confidence issue. AGAIN no one did anything wrong i’ve just been very sensitive and analytical of everything lately. it’s kind of led me to being distant with sp kinda like im testing her and seeing if she would reach out to me at all? its petty but i feel like she hates me fr 😂 might just be me. I Am Nothing...

ANYWAY ive been crying like pretty often just having these thoughts eat me up. it’s better now i think? it’s scary to admit but i’ve thought about dying so many times recently and i hate it. almost like it’s normalized to me now. it’s not that i would ever attempt but i understand what ppl mean when they want to disappear? i’m very blessed with loving parents and a healthy able body and a good living situation. i never want to put my parents and family through something that traumatizing. i haven’t properly expressed these feelings to anyone besides one watered down text to darwin. it was hard to even type the text, i ended up crying in the bathroom. i’ll have bad days and the thoughts creep up on me and i try to distract myself by watching stuff and it helps. i’ve been working out and dieting and i feel a lot better about myself and more positive. i’ve thought about therapy seriously but im hesitant still. if i still have issues i will, but talking through a screen and the risk of others hearing kinda turns me off. just processing my feelings and thinking about them extensively has helped me a bit but i think having a professional tell me about my feelings will make me feel better. idk how to bring it up at all, and i feel like my issues arent serious enough? but my brain been going cwazy :3

 i’ve been having a rough time at home just doing a lot of nothing but being sad and working out.. i hope with school starting soon i can get out the house and be productive again! recently ive been dealing with the problem of “living for others” i notice that i care about the comfort of others and how i can satisfy them and appeal to others at my expense.. i’ve been thinking about how im not good enough for this type of guy to like me LIKE WHO AMMM IIII WHY DO I CARE...WEIRDO..... maybe im dragging myself too hard i dont think i do this much but i do be a nice comfy doormat for others :)

but overall i feel better than a few weeks ago i think! idk what that was about why is my brain like this....making irrational thoughts and hurting my own feelings...idk but it will be okay :)

[dreamy-stars]

7/29/20

I Need Therapy 😂

[dreamy-stars]

5/9/20

hiiiiiii

so i finished this semester pretty well (4 A’s and a B!) and i have a boyfwiend now.......despite not being able to go to vietnam or see bts this year hehe :( the rona is pretty scary as there is so much being hidden from the public and people are going out carelessly without any form of protection. idk when it’ll be over and okay but for now we just have to take it slowly

anyway bf and i started talking at the end of march during quarantine and a month later we became Exclusive or whatever >___< he’s super smart and caring and very rational! we have a lot in common and i think we have a similar mindset. he is so comfortable to be around and i was rly manifesting this relationship LMAO i rly like him :-) i just wanna write this down so i can remember but on our first date we walked around in the humid weather to gt and sweet hut and i was red as usual when its hot...he would do that cheesy stuff like block the sun with his hand, compare hand sizes, and tuck my hair....:’) he tucked my hair when we were cuddling too fajfajk super clingy and touchy i think its cute! 

animal crossing is pretty fun rn there’s not much going on besides dating and chilling all day. might start learning how to code or learn a new skill so i can add it to the resume. also i had a breakdown and cried bc i was comparing myself to him LMAOOOOO i even almost cried while telling him that. i think a concern i have is that he won’t be able to comfort me if i have any problems as he said he’s not good at emotional support. makes his sound like a sociopath but he said that’s how it was raised. i think i’m good at emotional support, but i hope it doesn’t bring me down or make me feel burnout. 

a lot has happened since january relationship and dating wise, but it’s better to forget it and focus on my bf now, i don’t think i want to write about those memories here. i can’t believe how fast time flies, feels like it was just february. overall, i’m very happy i finally found someone who matches me well and is so fun to talk to! i can’t wait for him to meet the family and for us to make lots of memories XD

[dreamy-stars]

1/1/20

holy shit i haven’t spilled any thoughts in so long! i’ve changed so much! and i’m happier now. it’s a new decade! i have so much to say

2019 was a great year as i actually did things that would have made me uncomfortable. spring semester of 2019 was a shitshow i think i dropped a class and only took three. dropped diff eq with the bald guy and i remember sitting in class no thoughts head empty and trying not to cry. and then going to some tables on campus and calling mom and bawling and apologizing. somehow i got through the semester after crying over tests and assignments. OH i started lifting weights and working out and i love it. i love being strong. being healthy is something i’ve always wanted to work towards and the women on weights program was so enjoyable. i was trying to get rly toned to look good for the nct concert actually. unfortunately i haven’t worked out much since it ended :( hoping to get back into the gym once the semester starts again. i wanna be RIPPED for summer 2020 >:)

working at sweet hut was a great experience as i was able to learn more about myself and add to my resume! i actually learn pretty fast and even though i messed up a handful of times i just want to give myself some credit hehe. i liked making new friends there, as well as bonding with my cousin more. before, i would be a bit afraid of the long silences, but now we talk about whatever and never shut up <3 working a customer service job made me appreciate the fact that i am still working towards a degree. i don’t think i could do that for an extended period. my feet hurt every day and my hands were so dry and getting blisters like crazy. ofc night shift is crazy but i loved getting tons of tips each night. We Live In A Society. i think i became more confident in small talk? idk being on the register made me better but i didn’t even do it much. i also value customer service and tipping much more i always try to tip when i can. anyway i miss making drinks and burning the sugar on the creme brule. 

after working i became more motivated to work hard in fall semester. for this semester i picked two classes to be on the other campus so i could see if i could actually talk to ppl. it wasn’t that much of a change but ppl are much more open to talking in the first week i guess. i’m gonna miss that. joining vsa was the best decision this year i think. it took some courage to talk to ppl first but working at SH helped me ton. because of that i made friends outside of class isn’t that wild? too bad it’s on the other campus bc i would go more often. i think my schedule might not work with vsa next semester idk :/ i went to my first College Party this year which was so much fun! i was nervous bc i only knew like three ppl but just mingle-ing is fun when ur buzzed. i think my tolerance is pretty high idk how many shots i took :| anyway hanging out with new friends i made makes me happy. definitely a highlight of this year! also school went better than before!!! my grades are not the best but i know i put in work so i think it’s okay. also i need to stop relying on chegg so much LMAO...commuting was harsh on me and took up SOOO much time. i only skipped class a couple times (mainly bc i was sick) so i’m proud. didn’t take classes on other campus this semester bc i’m lazy and would rather spend time studying in the library nearby. 

love life is sad still. chemistry is SO important. i think through text is just as important as irl. i went on a date with this guy that was a boring and unfunny texter and was like lemme give it a shot maybe its diff irl. it was alright but so....boring like no flirting like....    also he was younger and i hate younger guys...feeling like a hag... anyway this semester im hoping to go on a date with a girl instead. i thought i had a crush on oomf but it was like for a week. idk if it would ever happen but i rly like his personality and humor. 2020 pls let me have a lover im bored lemme emotionally depend on someone

stanning bts is getting so hard tbh. i can barely keep up with content from LAST YEAR. so much happens. i only go on ig like twice a day and i go to like ten ppl’s twt i dont even scroll down the tl bc it overwhelms me LOL. just looking at bts overwhelms me like i feel anxious sometimes? bc i’m missing out on stuff...idk how to explain it but i think the mama speech from 2018 made me...humble? less focused? on them? like i don’t wanna be so attached and when the day comes that they d*sband i lose my mind. bc i was so devastated that day. kinda made me chill out. being busy with school and work also made it hard to focus on them. guess i really am growing up..but also i became so obsessed with nct i love the nct daily channel LMAO feels like i’m cheating but their content is easy to digest and i don’t get so emotionally invested i guess. when i watch bts i sit there and FOCUS and give them my full attention. nct is for after hw and just to chill. do i make sense? but as i’m on break and watching bts performances and run episodes, i realize how much i missed watching them. i love them so much still and always will! sometimes it shocks me how huge they are. like you can’t compare them to anyone now. they are the highest achieving group i think. PERIODT fjlajajhka thinking back to when they were smaller and i told myself i would support them no matter what and i didn’t care if they didn’t get big like i genuinely loved them and now they are loved worldwide like....my babies.....<3 uwu...it’s crazy how much they’ve achieved in 6 years. i’m so happy for them.

also shinee’s whole discography is on spotify now! i was listening to it the other day and CRYING like a baby. i miss jjong so much especially his voice. i remember being 11/12 and spending hours watching the shows they were on i really miss stanning them. their music brings back so many feelings. ugh so good.

my mental health has been pretty good this year i didn’t cry much and the source of my stress and sadness is always school. fall semester was pretty good. i learned recently that i get jealous over ppl only a little though. it just passes by in thought but i don’t voice it to anyone bc it’s stupid LMAO. i don’t think the jealousy is that bad just minor.

2019 was a great year. i never really noticed the changes and growth i experienced but it was really apparent this year and i’m glad i am evolving :) my goal for this year is to get fit and be more comfortable in the gym, gain experience in my field through joining clubs, and be even more social (also be better at driving hehe) i’m very thankful for those around me and i hope to be closer to friends in 2020. looking forward to going to vn in the summer!

let’s have a great 2020 jen! ♡

[dreamy-stars]

6/3/18

it’s exactly one week before i head to vn and i’m super excited! atm idk why but i’ve been feeling so down and self conscious? not just my looks but my shyness and how i can’t seem to talk much. i also feel like i haven’t accomplished anything while others are studying abroad or have projects on their resume and i have nothing. i feel useless oop! my friends had to drive me to go eat with them and i feel bad. p sure they know how i feel since i told one of them and this might be just a pity party secretly idk. and i couldnt even be super social like i wanted to. i really forced myself to talk at least a bit. i still feel self conscious about what they think of me? whyyyy am i like this :( i don’t feel super awkward or anything but i’m just quiet and no one talks to me much bc of that. same thing with twt mutuals? i’m scared to dm anyone bc they don’t keep the convo going and yea :/ why do I have to be the one to reach oit first? i’m THAT boring and ugly that no one cares about me or wants to be close to me...um we going✈️insecurities and sadness!! this all happened in the last two days? i should be happy about vn but this happened and i hope i get over it soon. i’ll try to talk more since i’ll be around ppl i am comfortable with in vn! so yea my friends don’t like me or think i’m too quiet and awkward i bet. also i feel so ugly looking at ppl on ig and twt SKSJSJSH i feel rly good about myself sometimes but then i rly hate my lips and me nose 😳 idk i didnt have this issue until recently i guess. it’s been on and off. i’ll try to love myself again but it’ll take a while? i constantly look at my good selfies to reassure myself omg i :( ok bye

[rkiverse]

get you | 1

Parts: 01 | 02 | 03

summary: jeon jungkook just has a strong attraction towards you, but his ways of trying to get your attention only push you farther away. but maybe his way of finding love is incredibly different than he expected when you came bustling into his life without warning. however, before he could even settle a score and get along with you, it seems as though he already was, in fact, he’s afraid that it will end up growing into something stronger that even words can’t even describe it.

word count: 7,227

genre: badboy!jungkook, college!au, and enemies to lovers!au. it’s very fluffy with a hint of angst.

warnings: swearing 

The first time you meet Jeon Jungkook was on a chilly and windy Friday afternoon underneath the grey skies and the falling autumn leaves. You remember the sight of him in his birthday suit, running across the campus with a huge grin on his face with a slight hint of embarrassment hidden somewhere on his face. You were thankful that the autumn leaves had done its job in covering himself as he runs right past you―almost bumping into you, to be exact―and all you could do was let out a strand of curses,

“Well, fuck me, and fuck you,” you muttered underneath your breath, trying to balance your mug of coffee that you had just prepared before stepping out of your dorm. You weren’t planning on spilling it and making another one, especially at five thirty in the AM. 

“Fuck you and fuck me? Sure thing, babe.” You heard him call out about a meter away and you could only send him a death glare in hopes of him earning a death wish at the same time. 

“I didn’t mean it literally, asshole.” You cursed and before you could let out another mumble of curses, he flashed you a quick wink before scurrying back to the dormitory.

Ever since that day, it was almost as if Jungkook’s presence has been haunting you left and right, at the most unpleasant and stressful times.

Keep reading

[wonhopes-deactivated20190308]

Not so Honest (M)

Jungkook has got a pretty big problem, and he desperately asks you for your help.

cr.

Word Count: 9.3k

Genre: Smut, comedy, some fluff, orgasm denial, Sub!Kook but also Dom!Kook (let me live)

A/N: I am sorry for being a hoe + thank you for the help @jiminniemouse + @seoulscapes you guys accept my hoe ass & also I just want to note that I don’t know a thing about sex toys okay but that thing is REAL LOOK IT UP I WAS YELLING (I just don’t know about the latch, that was fictional on my part)

Keep reading

[bangtandumbyeondan-deactivated2]

Jungkook Fanfic Rec

In honour of his birthday, these my friends are just some of my favourite Jungkook fanfics! They are all damn well written not like my shit and the authors are so talented, amazing and brilliant they DON’T NEED NO INTRODUCTION. We cannot compete with dis awesomeness! There is like a shit ton of smut AND I AM NOT ASHAMED CUS THEY ARE SO WELL WRITTEN I CONSIDER THESE FANFICS ART! I love you please never stop writing

One shots:

Midnight Snack (Fluff)

The reason why (Fluff)

Relinquish (Angst/Fluff)

Amortentia  (Fluff)

I Need You  (Angst/Fluff)

Safe and Sound  (Fluff)

Halcyon  (Fluff)

Care  (Fluff)

Competitive edge  (Fluff)

Bread Pudding (Fluff)

Sleepy (Fluff)

Truth or Dare (Fluff/Semi-Smut)

Canvas   (Fluff)

Bedtime  (Fluff)

The Boyfriend Shirt™ (Fluff)

Lucky  (Angst)

Wild Hearts (Angst)

I dare you (Taehyung x You x Jungkook, m)

Oh, so delicious (m)

Melomaniac (M)  

Pour Up (M)

Tight  (Jungkook x She x Jimin, m)

Syrup (m)

Philophobia (m)

Shameless (Taehyung POV) (m)

Beneficial (m)

Cobalt and Charcoal (m)- ft. Yoongi

Case Closed (m)

Summer’s Over (M)

Playing to Win (m)- threesome ft. Taehyung

Tinder 2.0 (m)

In Bloom (m)

Fact over Fancy

Tattoo artist!jeongguk (Fluff/Smut)

A Hundred Lifetimes (Angst/Smut)

Series:

First Light  (2/2)

Best Friend  1 // 2 // 3 [Complete]

Untouchable [1]

Accelerate one ○ two ○ final

Shades – Stormy Weather (M)

Try Hard Part 1 Part 2 (M)

Brother’s Best Friend Part 1 Part 2  Part 3

Next Door Playboy Part 1 / Part 2

Think Fast  Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Roommate  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Vow  1, 2, 3

Soulmates 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

Neighbour!AU 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10

I hate you, I love you  Pt. | 1 | 2 | (complete)

Future Hearts [ft. Jimin] Pt. | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 

Hidden Stars [ft. Yoongi]  Pt. | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | (complete) 

Kitten [Bad boy!Jungkook / Gang!Bangtan, Fluff/Angst/Smut] 01,  02 ,  03

Lust & Errors (M): 01 | 02 | 03 | 04

Sillage (soulmate AU) p1 | p2 | p3 | p4 | p5 | p6 | p7

Bunny Boy (m) Pt. 1 | Pt. 2 | Pt. 3 | Pt. 4 | Pt. 5 

Spellbound | fluff - Raising demons | fluff ; smut

Blog mentioned: @jiminables; @imaginethisbts; @sylph-wings; @cuzimsickwithhope; @jungblue; @btswriter; @sugaofdaegu; @myfeelsinink; @littleclumsyqueen; @idolimagines; @hobibliophile; @mlkygguk; @optosomnio; @slayyoongi; @zeurin; @keypea; @taehxyung; @agustdeer; @btsmutimagines; @kareverie; @pjiminnie; @jungkookfortunekookies; @btsfix; @boyfriendkook; @an-exotic-writer; @taehyugme; @zephyoongist; @xiutingmyself; @twistaed; @jiminniemouse

Hope I’ve done this right and gave everybody the right credits! If not please let me know! :)

[yeoli]

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[dreamy-stars]

7/31/17

it's officially two weeks before i head off to college :( i'm excited to live on my own but i am also scared of being lonely tbhhhh. roommates seem chill so far! i know likes and social media shouldn't matter so much and i shouldn't look for validation from likes and randoms on twt...but i do when asd comes around :/ LMAO ppl get so carried away and up their own asses sometimes. i wish i had more friends/mutuals i was close to but i don't even go on twt that much bc i feel lonely on there too hahahahhahah :/ whatever i'll do what i want and whatever happens will happen. i need to learn to truly not give a fuck honestly!! i had my grad party recently and it was with my dad's side and was actually fun!! i played beer pong and it was fun bonding with my family instead of what i usually do. i think from now on i just need alcohol to be more loose and confident LMFAOO my cousins are rly cool i wish we could meet up more often then i wouldn't be so awk. stanning bts never fucking stops huh? i step back and realize i've been stanning nonstop since 4 yrs ago. since i was a freshman. i'll try my best to keep ip bc i love them with my lil heart but school is my first priority now! i wanna quit kpop but it's my hobby i guess?? it's fun tbh. i'll always like it but one day i'll just stan bts i guess. speaking of school, i want to give it my all and actually study weekly to understand everything well. especially math!!! i wanna be on the dean's list and do well and that means bein focused and not getting too social :( i can do it!

[dreamy-stars]

my cousin rly called me an angel and asked if i was human and was talking about how im so perfect LMAOOOOOOO :( i love my family

[dreamy-stars]

5/25/17

i graduated high school! i'm so happy i have so much support from family and friends and i'm truly blessed ✨i ended up getting a c in calc which is what i was hoping for since i was doing so bad in the class lakdjdj bit other than that i got all As. i am gonna miss a lot of ppl from school but it just happens naturally and we all change and move on :) we can still meet up once in a while i'd like that stan twt is making me stressed a bit like i want to make friends but i'm sooo bad at making convo with complete strangers! and i'm worried it might die :( idk like i want followers and interaction but then again all i do is rant about personal shit hahahah idk i shouldnt care too much.. i'm enjoying summer until i head off to college and i'm really happy now :)

[awharrys]

[dreamy-stars]

03/15/17

im 18!!! idk if i'm gonna regret saying his but i like being 18 and an adult i do feel grown lmao. i am so so thankful for my family and friends who are always by my side and support me :) i am so happy today! my baby cousins came over and surprised me with cupcakes and pizza and after i went to eat with family. this weekend i'm treating myself to makeup and clothes and more food with my cousins💕i love them more than they love me :~) it's strange to think i'm finally done with grade school and that we're all growing up and moving on so fast. i'm not sad at all, just excited for more changes. i'm doing pretty well in math compared to last semester, which is strange since this math course is calc. i'm pretty satisfied and proud. i also didn't get into my dream school which i predicted. i cried bc 1) i was tired from my tsa trip 2) my parents wanted me to go so that i could be home but don't realize how hard and stressful it is 3) i was slightly disappointed. but i may or may not apply for a transfer idk...i been thinking about yoongi and how cute he'd be as a bf :') also the newark leg of wings is like next week and i'm excited. when will they hit up my city...........i just wanna go before i get a legit job :(

[booptae]

so much for stopping the skit from “getting weird”

[sobeitjayt]

Dont start fallin in love just because somebody showing you a little bit of attention