The last time there was a shooting at a queer nightclub, I was at a hotel in a different country with spotty internet. I read about the horror and the deaths aline, weeping. This time, I am isolated in my home, unable again to physically be able to bed in queer space in person, and most not having virtual options. Not one single cis het friend or colleague has reached out to me (edited: one accomplice shared joy of her kiddo and I am realizing that might be a checkin). Again, I feel alone, this time numb. I’ve spent so much time over the last few years fighting homophobia and transphobia in person and professional spaces, and I feel like I have been screaming into the void. Again, the lack of community care, of checking in on your people, of cis het folks moving up and commuting to reducing anti-LGBTQ hate (especially coming up with the holidays)…well, the silence is something.
Today, I put on my #FemmeArmor; make up, big earrings, and a bright dress, to try and get through today, after spending all of yesterday in bed, barely able to move as I texted friends, gathered resources, wrote to the queer and trans students at my school. I am not ok. We are not ok. I keep thinking that horribly enough, the ableism in society that requires me to be lonely and isolated at home because no one gives a crap about whether disabled people are able to safely be in society has also protected me from more direct anti-LGBTQ and anti-Jew hate. How fucked is it that one form of violence protects me from another? Please check in on your queer and trans friends. We are tired and we are not ok.
