“My darling girl, when are you going to realize that being normal is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage.”
— Aunt Frances, Practical Magic
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“My darling girl, when are you going to realize that being normal is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage.”
— Aunt Frances, Practical Magic
HAIRY SHIN BANDITS
hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Weird Biology! today, I’m going to give you a fresh look at a really weird bird you may have heard of before. so get ready to learn some badass new facts about this scrappy little football!
so say hello to:
*HEAVY METAL SCREAMING*
all right, so there isn’t much badass about a hairy, nocturnal, flightless, island-dwelling bird a little bigger than a chicken. or so they’d like you to think.
Kiwis live in New Zealand, which is fitting because they’re the Hobbits of birds. (bear with me a minute and put down the torches, please)
I swear I’m going somewhere with this
like Hobbits, Kiwis live in burrows. also like Hobbits, Kiwis are short, stocky creatures; they grow to be about eighteen inches tall and 7 pounds. (this is just slightly larger than the average chicken and probably larger than you thought they were) like Hobbits, Kiwis are voracious omnivores and eat basically anything they can fit in that ridiculous beak. and finally as I’m sure you’ve noticed, Kiwis are prodigiously hairy. like Hobbits.
and finally, the Kiwi would absolutely carry a cursed item to the ends of the earth and throw down with a Ring Wraith. (but they’d do it out of spite)
spite is the only emotion the Kiwi can feel
see, Kiwis are aggressive, territorial, and extremely tenacious. they defend their territories and burrows against anything and everything, including humans and probably also marauding armies of orcs. which, since Kiwis have squat muscular legs and extremely sharp claws, is no joke.
no seriously, they’ve been known to sprint out of the underbrush without warning, gouge people in the shin, and sprint away.
it’s a lot less funny when you realize that they’re at least as fast as you are.
adding to their sheer tenacious badassery is the fact that Kiwis are even still around. I don’t know if you guys are super familiar with what usually happens to flightless island-dwelling birds when humans and non-native predators show up, but it’s not good. (HINT: starts with an E and rhymes with “distinction”)
700ish years ago, humans first arrived on New Zealand. this was fine, and Kiwis more or less got along okay. but in the 1700′s the first Europeans arrived, and they brought dogs and Norway Rats with them. and cats. and stoats. (this was significantly less nifty for the New Zealand inhabitants, both human and otherwise.) these predators have been taking huge tolls on the Kiwi population for a long time now, but Kiwis are fighty tenacious bastards and against all odds they’re still here. for comparison: the Kakapo (New Zealand’s other largish flightless bird) has faced the same problem with introduced predators and is now damn near extinct.
Kiwi resilience is in large part thanks to New Zealand’s conservation programs, but also Kiwis are just tough little bastards who don’t know when to quit.
but I’ve saved the most thrashtacularly metal feat of the Kiwi for last. Kiwis form bonded pairs for life (awww), and lay one to two eggs together per year. which, okay, does not sound like a lot. however, there is an important fact that needs to be brought into consideration:
yes, that’s a REAL FUCKING XRAY. HOOOOOLY SHIT.
the egg is fucking huge. like, up to 25% of the mom’s body weight huge. that’s completely fucking ridiculous and it’s upsetting to even think about.
but that big egg makes a big, well-developed chick who comes out of the shell ready to stab you in the shin and sprint into the bushes. they’re literally born ready to throw down and are basically mini-adults. but still adorable.
continuing the family tradition!
unfortunately despite their badass ways, Kiwis are currently still under threat from introduced predators. the good news is that Kiwis are loved, celebrated, and protected by New Zealanders. (who are justly and rightly invested in their national bird, shin-kicking quirks and all)
there are many conservation programs in place for the embattled Kiwi, and its weirdness is a light that won’t be going out anytime soon.
shine on, you little weirdos, shine on.
thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.
if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee so I can caffeinate myself into the 5th dimension.
if you read in a frog paper “specimen was released in the field immediately after capture” chances are very good that what it actually means is
“i dropped the damn frog and despite the fact that we fell all over each other no one could recapture it”
sometimes when i am sad i go read through the tags on this post, because they are 70% other biologists saying things like “AND ALSO FUCK FIELD MICE” and “THAT CRAB ALMOST BROKE MY FINGER” and I am reassured that I am not the only one who has bobbled a wood frog right into their cleavage.
plus six or seven people who just….can’t figure out what a frog paper could possibly be. (guys it’s…a scientific paper. about frogs.)
and this one
which made me laugh despairingly because i mean
bro you don’t even know.
what is the code entomologists use for “i stepped on it, i’m so sorry, it was dark out and the specimen was very small”
“Impromptu dissection was performed under less-than-optimal lighting conditions.”
‘impromptu dissection’ is an alarming phrase in any context and i thank you for it
What’s biologist for “the little fucker BIT me and I yote it into the undergrowth on reflex”?
“Specimen was removed from the study pool due to abnormal interaction responses”
I am reblogging this 98% for the second to last comment holy shit I’m fucking choking
I’m enjoying the tags/replies discussing the proper conjugation of “to yeet.” I am in favor of the decision that the future perfect is “will have yitten.”
Expanding this, NASA has a few gems from their report language:
“Underwent unplanned rapid disassembly” – it exploded, and it wasn’t an explosion we wanted to happen
“Lithobraking maneuver” – it stopped because it hit the goddamned ground.
“Engine-rich exhaust” – the engine bell melted or evaporated, or the engine ejected itself out the back of the rocket without having a very good reason to do so.
“Fishing orbit” – the craft is in the ocean instead of space and we didn’t mean to put it there
“Thrust was observed along an undesired vector” – the engine leaked and the rocket spun off into oblivion.
“Wearing his manager hat” – a moron who shouldn’t be an engineer (a reference to the infamous quote “take off your engineer hat and put on your manager hat” in the meeting in which the Challenger was cleared for launch)
“Received an unrequested transfer” – he’s dead.
LITHOBRAKING MANEUVER
okay this is a test!!!
i’m pretty sure gif size limit has been increased from 3MB to 8MB, these work for me on both desktop and mobile but i wanted to post them to ask if they move for everyone?? please let me know! 💖💞
Oh, it’s real alright.
For GIFs that are already compressed, the upload limit has been raised to 5 MB. Uncompressed GIFs? Just make sure you keep it below 10 MB, and we’ll do our best to compress the GIF down for you. You’re welcome.
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we should see if they work...
The keys to ANY worthwhile relationship!
Yes, but instead of killing the spider, put it outside
The Doctor returns… New Year’s Day at 8pm ET.
13 in a Tux in the Second S12 Trailer
18th April 1834 - Ann has just moved in at Shibden, Anne wrote in her journal: 'Miss W- and I sat writing in my study, I having put her table (from the library passage) close to mine.'
I think it's the most romantic thing ever, need to see this in season two.
Aww 😍😍😍
sci-fi jobs that must exist that i find inexplicably amusing:
space customs
tow trucks except they’re towing illegally parked spaceships
for that matter, spaceship thieves, if only for how much more effort i imagine that would take
irs agents who have to find tax evaders who went 2 or 3 galaxies over
literally everything about the concept of the space version of the dmv
imagine being the person who teaches hapless 16 year olds how to fly a spaceship
people who analyze Old Earth media for a living the same way people now analyze shakespeare or beowulf, aka a bunch of scholarly and serious academics writing papers arguing the true meaning of Mean Girls and Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure and A Very Potter Musical
cruise spaceships. you’re taking a slow tour of saturn’s rings and people are still complaining about you running out of cocktail sauce
feel free to add more
Space cartographer. Some poor sucker’s gotta literally count the stars in order to chart ‘em. Did you think computers made the maps??
Gas station attendant, but in space. You thought earth truck stops were liminal? Try pausing to refuel on an asteroid hurtling though the middle of inky-black nowhere. You’d see some interesting folks pass through, though
Imagine working at a space hotel, for that matter
Traveling Salesman
op, back again, with more
IT workers who deal with tech that can communicate across the multiverse, rearrange people’s molecules, and communicate with ancient eldritch gods…….and 9 out of 10 problems can still be fixed with “read the instruction manual” or “did you turn it off and back on again”
let’s players. people’s love of video games and screaming profanity at said video games transcends galaxy and species lines
the post office. bravest people in ‘verse. though they did have to change their creed. it’s now: “neither snow nor rain nor heat nor black holes nor meteor showers nor solar flares stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds…”
also, food delivery peeps. all the above danger + dealing with more drunk aliens.
SPACE UBER
tourist traps. “welcome to the galaxy’s biggest ball of yarn. yes, it’s this one, not the one on mars. the martians are filthy liars and they’ve always been jealous of our superior attraction.”
science museum tour guides. the museums have gotten…….very big. it’s a very exhausting job, but it’s so worth it when the field trips full of kids from various galaxies get all excited
space drug dealers
What food group is honey what the fuck is this stuff
Apparently its categorized as raw meat by the FDA, which is cursed information if I’ve ever seen it.
WHAT
I wonder if this is due to tax reasons (why tomatoes are taxonomically fruit, but legally vegetable) or religious reasons (why beavers are considered fish, for purposes of Lent).
“Beavers are considered fish, for purposes of Lent”
If I’m being honest here, I don’t know what to do with this information.
IIRC hippos are also catholically fish.
You know what, if you can take down a hippo you deserve to eat it during lent
Absolutely. But now I want to know what food group honey is!!
What food group is honey what the fuck is this stuff
Apparently its categorized as raw meat by the FDA, which is cursed information if I’ve ever seen it.
WHAT
I wonder if this is due to tax reasons (why tomatoes are taxonomically fruit, but legally vegetable) or religious reasons (why beavers are considered fish, for purposes of Lent).
“Beavers are considered fish, for purposes of Lent”
If I’m being honest here, I don’t know what to do with this information.
IIRC hippos are also catholically fish.
You know what, if you can take down a hippo you deserve to eat it during lent
second hand, huge mileage. One careless owner.
15th March 1834 - [Letter to Ann]: ‘As far as is right I would do anything in the world to give you pleasure.’
She’s back.
The security of this entire planet is at stake. Can we rely upon you?
Doctor Who Series 12 Trailer