Selene @drmsndnightmrs - Tumblr Blog

02.07.2024

This is such a big decision to make, but, thank you tumblr. Thank you for listening to my every whim. Thank you for being my safe space for so many years. I will forever cherish the memories I have here, both good and bad. I know in my heart that I will always visit you. I will keep on reliving the past and use it not to get hurt or hurt others, but as a way to measure how far along I've gone.

Thank you for being the space where I can say everything without th fear of being judged. Thank you for holding on to the photos I could no longer keep, and the ones I don't have to anymore.

Moving forward in life is never easy, but we got to do it. It toom quite a while, a very bumpy road at that, but here we are. Starting fresh doesn't have to mean to remove and leave everything behind, right? But it does help. And maybe, now's the time I could finally release that 1% that I have been keeping, you, Tumblr.

Somehow I know deep down that this place will always have my heart, my darkest secrets, my deepest sorrows and my endless joy. So at least before I go, I would want to leave a note for those who one day might find you.

My friends, thank you all for the wonderful memories you have given me. I always hope that I have been a good memory for all of you, one way or another. Sincerely wish you all the joy that you deserve, the endless opportunities to open you way and the peace in your hearts that you need. I hope you find someone that will love you beyond words and beyond how I love you, because you deserve that kind of love. You are always in my heart, mind and prayers, no matter how long ago we have talked to.

To JM, I don't think you'd come and read this but in the event that you might, I would like to apologize. Sorry for giving up on us when you were doing everything to fight for me. You did not deserve the pain I inflicted on you just because I was suffering, I was selfish, I'm sorry. You have been the kindest soul even after everything that happened and I hope you continue to do so. I'm happy to finally see you smiling again. I hope you live a long and happy life, because you deserve to. Thank you for loving me even when I was at my most unlovable. I will never forget the good ones. Thank you for the 7 years.

To my family, I love you. I hope you know that these aren't just words or material things that I provide. I hope you know that I meant this no matter how much it hurt. For so long I have felt like an outcast no matter what I do, but I meant it every time I said I love you, and I will always mean it. I'm not the perfect daughter, nor sister, maybe not even the perfect mother or wife, but I promise I have always given my best to show you all how much you mean to me. I might not be able to say the best things at the right time, but I hope you know that the words I say will always haunt me until I have corrected them. So please, let me love you in all the ways I can, while I still can. I love you forever.

Finally, to my love, Ray Mark. You came at the most unexpected season in my life. You held my entire being, when I couldn't even hold my head. You hugged me until I stopped crying, and made me laugh until I started to cry. You held my hand when it mattered, and held it even tighter when it didn't. You loved me when I couldn't even dare to call myself pretty. You loved me even when I pushed you away. You loved me, and you make me feel loved everyday. Everyday with you is like a dream, one I'm scared that one day I'll wake up to. I have pictured spending my whole life with you and our kids, whether we have some or none. You are my rock, you arey wave, you are my orange and pink sunset sky. You are the greatest person I have ever met and I'm so damn lucky and blessed to be with you. You have healed parts of me that I never thought would ever heal. You have touched my wounds and smiled because you would say, "I'm proud of you" just for trying, even when I fail. I love you, and I promise you that every day of our lives I will let you know that I do. I will take good care of you, support you, and cheer for you every step of the way. I love you, mahal. I love you more than you'll ever know, and I hope I can show you that every day. I love you, until my last breath, I will love you.

This may be the last post for this page, but there are a lot more to come, maybe just not here anymore. Thank you for the memories, Tumblr, I will always be grateful.

Finally signing off,

Lalaine.

02.04.2024

I've always thought that I had the short end of every stick in life except for my mom. So naturally, when she passed, I thought I had nothing left. But no. She made sure that before she ever did leave, she'd leave me with the best man she had been praying for. And she did.

I remember the day I told her we were officially in a relationship. She cried that day (and asked for pizza to celebrate). She said she has been praying for someone who would take care of me the way I needed, and somehow she knew in her heart that he would, little did I know that they were actually chatting since they met each other via video call, even until she passed.

I don't know how else to put everything in words, everything that I felt today, maybe later I could, after church. For now, thank you mama. For praying for me.

P.S. today is the day he first called you "Mama", Ma. I can't wait to hear more.

02.03.2024

Mga Sago ni Taho at 2 months old ❤️

01.29.2024

I can feel you everywhere, Ma. I see you in the flowers and the sky. I feel you with the cool January breeze. I can smell you on freshly cut grass. I miss you so much, I do. But as much as I would give up myself to have you here again, I'd rather have you happy up there than see you in pain again.

01.27.2024

Thank you for loving me so much that I learned to love myself even more. The things you said last night were the most comforting words I have ever heard in my entire life.

01.26.2024

Last night, you visited me in my dream, Ma. You were so beautiful. You were wearing a violet floral dress that I don't think I have seen before. Your hair was pinned up halfway like you always used to wear. Your hair was shoulder-length and very straight. You looked happy and healthy.

We were laughing and in that dream you told me to dress up because we're going to the mall. I want to go to the mall again with you. To hold your hand and point at things we find funny.

I miss you, Mama. Please visit me again tonight.

01.24.2024

Here I am at the office, doing so many jobs but all I can think of is how much I want to go home and just lay in bed with you.

01.25.2024

My peace in this restless life of mine.

01.20.2024

I'm extremely tired of work all week, but I get to go home to you. I get to go home to freshly changed bed sheets, food waiting for me, and some little surprises. I love how you always show me your love with everything that you do. This week, you made a wallpaper with my favorite photo of us, while I was working onsite. And it also came with a Night lamp of the milky wau galaxy and you saying "Because you are my universe."

Moments like this always make me think, to be loved like this was only in books, but no, you make me feel every kind of love from every movie I've watched, every book I've read, every song I've sang, etc. I never imagined I could ever be loved like this but you made it possible. You made it all possible without even having to ask.

What did I do to deserve you?

But out of everything you did, do you know which of them is my favorite?

It was that one night that first week of January where I was drained already from working overtime, but you waited for me in the bed and looked at me smiling.

I asked you why, and all you said was "Thank you for everything, love." You hugged me and fell asleep at that position. I couldn't sleep that night because I kept crying. I was so happy, I am so happy.

01.16.2024

With everything that has been happening around me, I'm blessed to find peace in your kisses and safety in your hugs. Thank you for existing.

01.15.2024

It's been a year since we first found out that you have cancer. And today, exactly a year ago, we went home after your first surgery. We were very hopeful because it went very well. I miss you, Ma. You were very strong. You tried to laugh it off for us.

01.08.2024

A video to remember.

01.01.2024

My first entry for this year. I am not looking forward to anything anymore, I just pray to have the strength to face anything that will come my way.

12.31.2023

12.31.23, what a date for a year-ender. I can't believe all the events that happened this year. It is definitely the worst year ever and the amount of people I lost is so overwhelming that I wanted to break down and just give up so many times. This year felt like it was 10 years worth of experiences crumped altogether that I didn't have any time to react or to really deep dive my feelings on any matter.

But one thing I learned the most this year is to value the time that we have with others, to let them know and feel that we love them every single day because we really don't know what can happen in a year.

12.30.2023

Definitely a moment in this year that I want to keep. Times like this are rare because most of us don't have the time or opportunity to do so. I want to value these moments. I want to one day read them again to remember that 2023 took a lot from me, but also kept the people I needed in my life. I will always love you, the first group of people who have loved me with all their heart. I'm glad high school did not last forever, because I now know that it wasn't that which kept us together, but our desire to keep each other in our lives - no matter the length of time, or the distance from each other.

I will always love you all. Always.