Dr. Stuffy's Review Nonsense

Listen very close because I'm only gonna say this once I am several Busch Lite's deep and you are gonna learn about the intricacies of the bullet hell "genre" goddammit

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Aqua Kitty: Milk Mine Defender (PC)

Oh Jesus here we go.

INTRO (& STORY?)

Aqua Kitty: Milk Mine Defender is a game released by indie developers Tikipod that feels like it's mocking me whenever I see it in my Steam library. Normally I'll only touch it after doing several pounds of salvia and being convinced my orange juice is Government Grade NanoLiquid. I get really nervous and shaky and the only thing that can calm me down is knowing that there are underwater miner cats that need my help. You are a cat in a submarine or underwater mech or something and you shoot robot sea-life that's trying to fuck up your friends. Who are mining for (presumably) milk. Now I was pretty into the idea of my hands being tiny ferns when I played this, so I'm not fully sure on the plot. But I am positive of two things;

-this is a love it or leave it kind of game

-I will never buy the good shit off of Grimey Steph again.

First off it's a horizontal shmup which may already have some of you gagging. This means that instead of your primary form of movement being up and down it's side to side. It makes hardcore veterans who get a half chub from grazing upset. And it makes REALLY hardcore R-Type veterans upset because it's not R-Type. Sorry to say but if you're looking for a game to change your mind about horizontal shmups this isn't gonna be it.

DIFFICULTY

There are times where your ship can feel too big so in later levels you'll get hit by bullets that looked avoidable. That might just be the liver failure on my end though. For the diehards among you, Aqua Kitty will be a little insulting to start. You'll breeze through the first few levels, the difficulty comes in quantity more than quality. You'll get a lot of shit thrown at you which can be hard to maneuver through that's not in normal shmup fair; things like fatass puffer fish that will explode in an area of effect splash or nautilus that have several hits of armor before being taken down. The challenge is there in later levels but if you're looking for something to really Guantanamo your ass you'd best look somewhere else.

GAMEPLAY

Let's get down to brass tacks; what the game does well and how it feels. Instead of side scrolling through a level you're clearing waves of enemies to protect your cat friends. So being able to switch what direction you're going is important. That being said the game controls well, switching directions is responsive and doesn't lag or take too long like other horizontal shmups I've played. Given that one of your lose conditions are your cat friends getting taken or destroyed by the fuck you robo-fish, the game can be pretty forgiving. There are some upgrades that will drop where your bullets can shoot vertically. This means that even if your buddy has been taken out of the water you can still shoot the fish that's taken him. This is, of course, assuming your aim isn't a coat hanger lobotomy.

THE LOOK & EXTRAS

Aesthetically the game is, uh, interesting. There are some of you who will love the music, which is reminiscent of Anamanaguchi eating out whatever the fuck a Hatsune Miku is. There are also some of you who will be ready to rip your brain-stem out your small intestine after a few levels of that bullshit. It's indie chip tune fair with cats meowing. Polarizing shit. The sprite work is solid at least from my perspective, which is often on the floor seizing from a bad reaction to acid. It's cute but not particularly amazing. I mean it's not goddamn Metal Slug 3, alright.

THE PRICE

I figure price tag is important, since that can be a big deterrent. You don't wanna spend that child support you owe on garbage. You wanna spend it on something good like a CVS2 board. That'll show the state for tryna liquidate my check. Aqua Kitty: Milk Mine Defender will run you about $7 on Steam, and with frequent sales I find it to be a reasonable price. If what I've described to you sounds like fun or you're curious I'd say check it out. And if not then you're probably some new age Nintendo shill who wouldn't know what a Super R-Type was if it kicked Mario's hat in his felt balls.

-Dr. Stuffy

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Mushihimesama Review (PC)

INTRO:

Do you like weeabo nonsense? Do you like shoot 'em ups? Does the idea of 'grazing' leave a saucy taste in your mouth? Well alright kids, listen up because I'm only gonna say this once. Mushihimesama on Steam is a trash game for people who shoot heroin in their eyes if and only if you suck at bullet hell. If not then prepare for almost exactly what you expected when it comes to a Steam port of a Cave game.

It's got;

-purple shit

-hitboxes that make no goddamn sense

-difficulties for the whole family

DIFFICULTY: 

And let's touch on that because, as the only expert in this article, I think it's important. This game gives you two layers of difficulty; the one you pick when you first start up the game and the one you pick after that. It's got nested difficulties, not unlike the strained relationship I have with my daughter. The first difficulties you choose from are; novice, normal, and arrange. Novice and Normal are what you've come to know—a mode for garbage babies born of the opioid crisis and the mode most competent adults will play. Within those two modes are; original, maniac, and ultra. Now you can play on Normal/Original and have a fine time—hell you can even play on Normal/Maniac and have an alright time. Normal/Ultra is a large jump in difficulty, you even get that neato warning that Cave games ask about if you've prepared the lube for the carnal fucking you're about to receive. If you haven't played shmups before, Ultra is pretty ball-busting. And even if you've got experience it's a good challenge. It should be noted that bombs in this game are used to clear bullets more than to damage a boss, so at higher difficulties the game will have enough purple on the screen to put an eggplant deep-throating contest to shame.

The previously mentioned Arrange mode has been in every port of the game (except mobile) in some form or another. It's a mode that starts you with max power ups but no continues, and will auto death bomb instead of killing you (assuming you have bombs). Given that every mode is automatically on free play, Arrange can be a nice change of pace to dive right and can teach you how to manage bombs and lives. The only reason you'd wanna avoid Arrange mode is if you're some gate-keeping piece of shit who only plays on arcade cabinet or something.

These difficulty modes are nice for people who are newer to the game and like to tell their friends they beat this “super hard old school shooter” and also call it “Moo-sheye-heyemai-SAM-a”. It's also good for veterans who might be coming from less aubergine games like Touhou or Radiant Silvergun.

GAMEPLAY:

You have three shot types to choose from at the start of the game as well, but I hope you don't get attached because you switch shot types more often than McJagger in rehab. This can get a little disorienting in single player, however, in multiplayer I nearly shit my brains out yelling at the computer. The issue here is that there's not a huge distinction between character sprites in multiplayer so keeping track of who/where you are is an issue. This is e s p e c i a l l y frustrating when you're frequently changing shot types, which changes the color of your bullets. Even though this is less of an issue with the Steam port and more of an issue with the game, it still should be addressed. The last thing you wanna do is invite the boys over for a night of brewskies and bullet hell only to realize that the shiny new game you got has a two player mode that makes you feel like eating glass.

THE LOOK & EXTRAS:

The game has some nice touches however, like a training mode and online score attack. Those have become fairly standard in modern ports but are still good additions. It also supports multiple types of controllers aside from just keyboard, including 360 pad/stick and PS3/4 pad (the Hori kind). Don't quote me on it, but, I wouldn't be surprised if PS3/4 stick worked on it too. Of course, you can always use joy2key and play with a TI-83 or some shit if you wanted to. My favorite touch would be when you start a game you get the Cave Copyright warning in all the glorious, garbled, fucked up, English. It would've been easy to leave out but keeping it in shows off some of what make Cave games so unique. It's a very appreciated attention to detail.

THE PRICE:

Aside from the awful presentation in the multiplayer another deterrent would probably be the price tag. The game is $19.99 USD not on sale, plus two optional $4.99 DLC packs—one is a revamped game mode with new art/soundtrack and the other is just the full soundtrack. To put that in perspective, for $19.99 freedom bucks I could buy; 10 bottles of cinnamon whiskey nips, a nice meal at the local wing chain, a REALLY nice meal at McBurgerShits, or The Kafka Sutra by poet Robert Archambeau—now available on Amazon and in select retailers.

STORY:

Now you're probably wondering “Dr. Stuffy, you went to school for years to get that plaque on your wall and you can't even tell us anything to do with the story or what this game is really ABOUT?”

Well, my sweet summer bastard children, Mushihimesama in the Land of the Rising Sun translates roughly to “Bug Princess”. So The Game(tm) is about a girl, who may or may not become a princess, who flies on a giant beetle to save the boy she loves from getting ravaged by bugs. Are they giant bugs? Or are you a small fairy? How do they shoot bullets? I don't know or care, and if you do you should probably be playing a low effort high story game like Final Fantasy or Puyo Puyo Tetris.

-Dr. Stuffy