Aqua Kitty: Milk Mine Defender (PC)
Oh Jesus here we go.
INTRO (& STORY?)
Aqua Kitty: Milk Mine Defender is a game released by indie developers Tikipod that feels like it's mocking me whenever I see it in my Steam library. Normally I'll only touch it after doing several pounds of salvia and being convinced my orange juice is Government Grade NanoLiquid. I get really nervous and shaky and the only thing that can calm me down is knowing that there are underwater miner cats that need my help. You are a cat in a submarine or underwater mech or something and you shoot robot sea-life that's trying to fuck up your friends. Who are mining for (presumably) milk. Now I was pretty into the idea of my hands being tiny ferns when I played this, so I'm not fully sure on the plot. But I am positive of two things;
-this is a love it or leave it kind of game
-I will never buy the good shit off of Grimey Steph again.
First off it's a horizontal shmup which may already have some of you gagging. This means that instead of your primary form of movement being up and down it's side to side. It makes hardcore veterans who get a half chub from grazing upset. And it makes REALLY hardcore R-Type veterans upset because it's not R-Type. Sorry to say but if you're looking for a game to change your mind about horizontal shmups this isn't gonna be it.
DIFFICULTY
There are times where your ship can feel too big so in later levels you'll get hit by bullets that looked avoidable. That might just be the liver failure on my end though. For the diehards among you, Aqua Kitty will be a little insulting to start. You'll breeze through the first few levels, the difficulty comes in quantity more than quality. You'll get a lot of shit thrown at you which can be hard to maneuver through that's not in normal shmup fair; things like fatass puffer fish that will explode in an area of effect splash or nautilus that have several hits of armor before being taken down. The challenge is there in later levels but if you're looking for something to really Guantanamo your ass you'd best look somewhere else.
GAMEPLAY
Let's get down to brass tacks; what the game does well and how it feels. Instead of side scrolling through a level you're clearing waves of enemies to protect your cat friends. So being able to switch what direction you're going is important. That being said the game controls well, switching directions is responsive and doesn't lag or take too long like other horizontal shmups I've played. Given that one of your lose conditions are your cat friends getting taken or destroyed by the fuck you robo-fish, the game can be pretty forgiving. There are some upgrades that will drop where your bullets can shoot vertically. This means that even if your buddy has been taken out of the water you can still shoot the fish that's taken him. This is, of course, assuming your aim isn't a coat hanger lobotomy.
THE LOOK & EXTRAS
Aesthetically the game is, uh, interesting. There are some of you who will love the music, which is reminiscent of Anamanaguchi eating out whatever the fuck a Hatsune Miku is. There are also some of you who will be ready to rip your brain-stem out your small intestine after a few levels of that bullshit. It's indie chip tune fair with cats meowing. Polarizing shit. The sprite work is solid at least from my perspective, which is often on the floor seizing from a bad reaction to acid. It's cute but not particularly amazing. I mean it's not goddamn Metal Slug 3, alright.
THE PRICE
I figure price tag is important, since that can be a big deterrent. You don't wanna spend that child support you owe on garbage. You wanna spend it on something good like a CVS2 board. That'll show the state for tryna liquidate my check. Aqua Kitty: Milk Mine Defender will run you about $7 on Steam, and with frequent sales I find it to be a reasonable price. If what I've described to you sounds like fun or you're curious I'd say check it out. And if not then you're probably some new age Nintendo shill who wouldn't know what a Super R-Type was if it kicked Mario's hat in his felt balls.
-Dr. Stuffy
