Belle accepted the proffered length of silk, dabbing gently at watery eyes and softly inhaling the exotic smoky spices which permeated it; they might have been fairly overpowering, but memories, comforting and beloved, triggered and flooded forth and it was these she grasped at even as she clutched the fabric in her hands.
For all the topics she and her brother had covered in their countless conversations over the centuries, affairs of the heart, namely her own, had seldom been breached. First it had been out of a sense of respect; she knew too well how painful it was for Death to hear Destructionâs name. Then, as a secret needing fierce keeping; Sitri, their illicit affair, no matter how harmless their twin intentions had been, could not be openly discussed. And now, with Shiloh, the last in that short list of former lovers, Belleâs separation from Azrael forbade their discussing her attachment to the wolf until now.
Not knowing quite where to start, Belle made the decision to simply start with the beginning, to trace her heartâs attachments from the first to the last in the hopes that some light might be shined on her current heartâs woe.
"My love for Abaddon was a pure, innocent thing, born of the pure and innocent want to be always by his side. Of enjoying the way he looked he upon me, the feel of his hand in mine. When he first kissed me âŠ" Here she stopped, struggling for any adequate word to describe that single, simple gesture. "It was as if everything outside of we two disappeared, there was nothing but us and that moment and I knew then that I wanted nothing but his arms ever holding me.
"Sitri, Julian ⊠I had the mind to kill him where he stood when first we met. I recognized him for what he was, and he me, but that we were both in the middle of a city, with countless innocent bystanders stayed my hand. He dogged me, needling me, shadowing my steps âere he could." A shadow of a smile turned up the corners of Belleâs lips; the memory was a fond one, despite itâs tragic end.
"We entered a sort of truce and from that came a friendship that eventually became âŠ" She shrugged, shifting in her seat, drawing one knee to her chest and clasping her hands about her shin.
"I knew him for centuries before we fell in love, Azrael. I did not tumble blindly into his bed, unthinking and uncaring, and he did not seduce me for ruinationâs sake. I know it does not seem so, but I never meant for any hurt to come of our being together. I wanted only to be with him who I loved; I had, still have, no desire to see Heaven tumble or to join Hellâs ranks. Our coupling ⊠It was the most natural thing in the world, an extension of the affection we had come to hold for each other. I would call it beautiful, though I know the word is clichĂ©. More over, it did not feel wrong.
"My love for Shiloh came as a surprise. I did not go looking for him, not so soon after I had lost everything. He ⊠I thought him a good match. He made me laugh. And he was so fierce in his declarations of love ⊠The three years we were together were some of the happiest I have had and that is not a claim I make lightly. But ⊠He could not be faithful, would not do it, perhaps, and that I could not abide. I am a selfish woman, a selfish lover, and I will not share my lover, his bed, with another. I will not share his heart with another and I do not know that he understands that."
Belle frowned, chin resting on her knee, a thumb crooked at her mouth, teeth worrying at the ragged nail. âI do not know that he understands how deeply it hurt to know he loves another, that his repeated declarations of love are undone by his actions.
"And there Iâve revealed myself to be a hypocrite, for what have I done to you, brother, but much the same? If I thought our Father so petty, I would name this divine retribution, but I know it is only ⊠The failings and fallings of love.
"You asked if it was worth it, falling in love, despite the heartbreak. I cannot lie, Azrael, and so I would say ⊠yes. No doubt the answer diminishes me further in your eyes, but it is such a wonderful thing, brother, even with the pain that inevitably comes."