I don't know why this is on my mind so much tonight. In fact, I wish it wouldn't ever be on my mind again. Before I met Trey(my older followers know him as boyfriend but he is now husband) I went on dates with random dudes that I knew for a few weeks. I was upfront with my sexually early on with us talking. It would typically go: "Hey I just wanted to let you know I'm asexual. I'm only interested in a romantic relationship" "What's asexual?" "I'm not into sex, it freaks me out" "Oh. Okay" Of course some(most) people lost interest with me after that, they only wanted to meet someone to have sex with and that was totally fine! Everyone has a different sexuallity. The couple guys who I ended up going on dates with I'm SURE thought they could "fix" me and two of them sexually assaulted me. You don't tell random people your trauma early on in any relationship. In fact, I don't want anyone to know about my trauma. The people that know are either past therapist or my friends that I've broken down to(and accidentally my parents but thats a story for a different day). If you know me irl, you know that I don't like being a burden to anyone and I feel like talking about my past trauma makes me a burden but some times you need to talk. Some times you need to get it out of your head. When I was a teenager, maybe I was even 12 but Im not sure, this time of my life is blurry, I dated my best friend at the time secretly for almost a year I think. We both realized we liked girls and wanted to try it out. There was kissing and touching, she found out what porn was and we watched that together and I thought it was good, everything was great But thats the thing about abuse that isn't someone punching you in the face. Especially as a young person. So I went on in that relationship, sexually and emotionally abused until I was thrown out like trash A couple years go by and I get in a new relationship where I was emotionally abused and manipulated. Next relationship, emotionally abused to the point I convinced myself we were still together after 6 months of barely talking and being so depressed afterwards that I started cutting. So I was done. I took years to heal from that relationship and I worked through that it literally was not me. I figured out I was ace and I enjoyed being defined by something that was just so ME I dont fully know where I was going with this post so Im going to stop it here I think K thx bye
