Talk to someone who cares.

chances are i probably dont give a fuck

[duhvante]

Same old story same old song and daaaance my friiiennddss

[duhvante]

sometimes friends don’t act like friends, especially internet ones

[duhvante]

oh it’s getting dark again

[duhvante]

could have been a power couple bitch

[duhvante]

is it really benefiting me anymore, or has it taken it’s course??

[duhvante]

bruh why am I tihinking about you

[duhvante]

patterns

this isn’t a dance that we are unfamiliar with

you tell me you’d want to marry me and then never follow through

“if you didn’t live on the other side of the country i’d be with you, but what if i find something else?”

but then tell me you’d marry me?

doesn’t make sense to me buddy. a conditional statement really. 

16 year old me loved hearing that. loving hearing that you were ready to finally dedicate yourself to me. 

24 year old me isn’t an idiot. I’ve known you for a little less than a decade now, and this is just what you do to keep me coming back

and i’m the idiot that keeps coming back.

but alas, my life goes on. i am so happy with where i am, what i’ve accomplished. you’d be the cherry on top, but you’re not the whole damn sundae anymore. 

[duhvante]

I think about you sometimes and wish things had ended differently

but I ended up leaving Seattle

and you

wanted nothing to do with me anymore

BUT I DID ENJOY WATCHING YOU GET FUCKED OVER BY KEVIN bc imo you deserved that

[duhvante]

nothing I do is good enough

[duhvante]

we’ve both said we’re both at fault so why am I the only one trying to get back there

[duhvante]

this blog used to be password protected lmao 

i can’t believe i thought brady was going to be the biggest hurt in my entire life lmaooooooo

[duhvante]

the world will throw you for a loop sometimes, but i promise that you are more than your darkest times.

[duhvante]

you look back years ago and you used to think that you were never going to be happy. like being happy was going to be the last thing to ever happen to you. it is amazing where you can be even in a year’s time. you will be happy, i promise. 

[duhvante]

it sucks how much of you I still find in everything. I hate that you still make an impact on my every day life. How could you just disappear like that? Like these last four years haven’t meant anything to you. you have just left so many questions unanswered that I don’t know what to do with myself.

[duhvante]

a lot is changing and has changed in the past year or so. I don’t know how i ended up here but I am sure am glad I am where i am.

[duhvante]

if he stands me up, I swear.

[duhvante]

January 7th, 2015.

Well, first and foremost, Happy New Year everybody. I’m going to try to keep updated on journaling and such.

 A lot has changed even in the past few weeks.

I guess the biggest things that have changed are my location and the way that I’m feeling.

I transferred to SPU, mainly just for a change of scenery and because they have one of the best Psychology programs in the Northwest. However there is a huge part of me that believes I moved because of Shawn. It was getting hard to be around him so often, and have him hurt me time after time. After “being with him” for almost 3 years, I’m pretty sure that I reached my limit with that.

I haven’t spoken to him since I left and I’m trying to be okay with that. I shouldn’t be upset about it, but I am. Shawn was the first guy that I allowed myself to get close to, and we all see how that ended up. After spending three years with someone, you start to miss talking to them on a daily basis, even though you know it is better for you not to talk to them. Even though you know that the relationship was toxic and was no longer making you happy. But it sucks. It sucks when all you want to do is talk to them and you have to find ways to distract yourself so you don’t. It’s been going on 3 weeks to a month since I’ve talked to him and it has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do. There’s part of me that wishes him well and part of me that hopes he’s miserable.

However, there are some positive things that are happening in my life.

I’m finally in Seattle. After years of wanting to be here and reside here, I’m finally here. It’s a nice change of scenery and I get to make a fresh start. No feelings or anything. It helps that the guys here are super friendly and most of them are so fucking adorable, both romantically and platonically.

My room here at SPU is really nice, and I got what I believe to be the best suitemates. Logan, Graham, and Matt are some pretty chill guys. Their old suitemate’s name was Jordan as well, so it’s not much of an adjustment. I met their old roommate and he seems pretty chill too. I already know they’re gonna be like brothers to me before the end of the year, and probably even by the end of winter quarter.

I’m not taking any Psychology classes this semester sadly. However, I am able to directly apply for the major once my transcript comes in from PLU, and that’s exciting.  I like it here at SPU and while I miss Ange and them, this is good for me. Hopefully Ange will decide to be here next year, but if she decides to go to Whitworth, I’ll support her as well.

And I’ve discovered one of the best subway sandwiches. Steak and cheese with bell peppers, banana peppers, and ranch. *insert heart eyes emoji here.*

Well, good night everyone.

-Jordan