Dumb Girl

Tgirl [mid twenties] My therapist told me to vent

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

I haven't met as many trans girls as I would like, or at least as bed rotted chronically online as me, only one

My city ain't big, but I'm not sure if this is related to the queer culture of my country too, I'm proud of those who fight for sex work rights, and those who live stealthily and happy

But is weird and wrong that most media only see us as objects and only for the sexual pleasure of men, and that most girls lean into that too

It's kinda like a whole gimmick, that I can't really relate to

I guess this is mostly due to some socio economic issues, there's a "type" of woman [in the sense of personality and traits/appearance] that's really popular in most lower to middle to sort of high class, that sexualizes herself for the pleasure of men, but not that she's explicitly sexual, but idk, you can tell she's doing it for the men attention, and it's sad

Rights activists actually die and go to jail so most problems here get ignored and seen as "look at these punks being dumb fucks don't be like them, now on the next chapter of "I'm poor and I'll steal your rich husband, Teresa the maid realizes she's pregnant at 16"

I want some chronically online girlys, I don't want to be a male pleaser due to society pressure, I'm trans and that's it, not your fucking joke on girls with dicks or that I'm easier than a sex worker

Also you don't even deserve the girls with dicks

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

I'm indeed the mentally fucked one

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

NOT Ready to be told by my therapist that my relationship is falling apart and that I should really really get anti depressants

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

I want to eat a whole ass pizza by myself, I know it's not good, but my emotions are everywhere and I'm not sure who to talk to

I just know the pizza will love me as much as I love her

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

I'm sick, like vomit and shit, and I don't want to stay home, my mom's here, she, idk, I feel worse with her around, my anxiety goes up and spending time with her feels like I'm not important, that there's something or someone more important than me and that it should always go first, that I need so sacrifice everything for it, oh but not her, she has more important things to do

I don't want to stay home, but I feel sick

I don't know what to do

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

Oh god

Not the pain on my guts again

I've lost so much weight to stress, not eating properly, fucking stomach sickness and now developing a vomit issue

I really need some rest...

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

What the fuck? Just what the fuck

Yeah you're a "developer" but holy fuck, I dont know what plug-ins you're working with, you say yeah we use something that supports meshes, then you come to me

"Hey this isn't working >:[ no mesh allowed"

you said "we support mesh"

Then I re do all the models again and then you come say "Hey it's not working, why not using block/item >:["

What the fuck you dumb fuck? You said "use generic for everything" then said no mesh, then said no generic, can you PLEASE explain WJAT THE FUCK is that you NEED??????

My work can be changed, shure, but HOLY FUCKING GOD if you're ACTUALLY a DEVELOPER you SHOULD KNOW, what is that YOU NEED!!!!!!

I wouldn't mind

ONLY IF THIS RACIST INCEL FUCK TALKED DOWN TO ME AS IF I DIDN'T HAD YEARS OF EXPERIENCE

FUCKING SPANISH MACHISTA DE MIERDA, I AM A LATINA WOMAN YOU'RE PROBABLY A VIRGIN INCEL USELESS FUCK SO SHUT UP AND FUCKKKKKIINNNGGG LISSTEEEEEENNNNN GOOOOOOOODDDDD

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

Okay so

Yesterday I went out with the "queer" group, my girlfriend is friend of them mostly and we get along cus one of them is an ex of mine and ex of one of the guys whose a nice friend of mine

I came to see why I don't get along with them, not because sex talk or anything like that

Turns out, even tho they are bisexuals, oh my fucking god, what's the deal with the sexism and gender bias??? Is that like, common with straight people? Or like, is something just off with them?

Like, the 4 men are friends from childhood, they went out for cigs and just women stayed, literally their girlfriends [except for me and my gf ofc] and like all they could come up with was "what's something women talk about? Oh yeah let's talk about women stuff" and didn't say nothing, absolute silence

Then the mom of my friend came, she said "I need all strong men to come help me" she saw me looking kinda masc, I, it was a while since I last felt that weird disgusted look from someone, then my friend said, "oh yeah she's my friend, I'm always talking about you two with my mom" and her mom, oh god, she was disgusted a transsexual lesbian dyke was in her house, in her couch

Maybe, maybe I like the people who are just stupid and not woke, like, I think woke² is better yk, less "I support gays, I have a trans friend myself" more "Bro we are not fucking homo [proceeds to sloppy kiss his straight friend out of nowhere] see, no homo all dude love right here"

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

I wish I had more trans/queer friends

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

Like, I have two transfem friends, but one is internet illiterate lol and also is kindof conservative, can't blame her tho, she's upper class, I also have a bi kindof autistic furry friend and he's nice

Then there's my main group, mostly cis straight men kinda deconstructed?, I think one of them is into me, ironically, they are the only ones that treat me as a woman and are super respectful to me

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

Then, there's the "queer" one, mostly cis bi women, is just, never felt more alienated in any queer group than in that women group

I don't have anything against them, or that they are bi or that they only have cis boyfriends that are uhhhh, not like my guys, idk

I just feel weird around them, certain topics are just uncomfortable and I feel like a predator or a pervert for being there, I know, probably, those weren't their intentions, but I don't know, I feel like I'm reminded that I'm not a woman and never had the experiences of a true real woman, that I'm just a joke or a pervert for "invading" woman spaces

I don't know, I don't want to hang out with them, sex topics feel aggressive and invasive, not fun as sex should be, I feel alienated, weird, and a pervert to be just there existing

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

I wish I had more trans/queer friends

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

Like, I have two transfem friends, but one is internet illiterate lol and also is kindof conservative, can't blame her tho, she's upper class, I also have a bi kindof autistic furry friend and he's nice

Then there's my main group, mostly cis straight men kinda deconstructed?, I think one of them is into me, ironically, they are the only ones that treat me as a woman and are super respectful to me

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

I wish I had more trans/queer friends

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

Self care is important I know, but, I don't know, sometimes I put the effort on taking care of my eyebrows, plucking chin hairs, making myself feel and look pretty for myself for the sake of my mental health

But, having to force boymode and having to go out feels like torture, can't really get the weird looks out of my head, the missgendering and "ma'am, oh sorry, DUDE"

And I know is wrong to compare myself to random cis women and other people in general, but it just makes me go down this spiral of "what's wrong with me that I don't pass? What am I missing?" And I know passing shouldn't be the goal but, idk, it feels good just to be dismissed, be that random girl that passes you on a random Tuesday when shopping for groceries

Idk, I'm just tired

[shadedwillow]

ok google how do i propose deeper friendship and intimacy to my mutuals without feeling like a pervert predator

[shadedwillow]

hey. can we DM? do you want a voice message? do you want to see a picture of my face? do you wanna call? do you wanna get off on call with me? do you wanna consider us friends? do you wanna share secrets? do you wanna hint vaguely at where we both live to gauge how far we are from each other? do you wanna meet? do you wanna hang out? do you wanna fuck? do you wanna hold hands and kiss? does this make me creepy? is this too far? do you wanna kill me. i'm really sorry

[zyrkon01]

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

Got my eyebrows and face done, full cleanup, I looked awful

As someone who has/had busy eyebrows, baby tgirl who still gets missgendered and doesn't understand why, trim your eyebrows, they really REALLY change the way your face and expressions get perceived, do them bit by bit until you feel happy about, they indeed grow back, just give them time and take care of them as much as you do of yourself

Also got a haircut, I wanna fuck myself so bad

Still sick tho, almost a week since I got sick wtf kind of sickness is this ?? All I do is puke and shit, but now prettier

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

I got sick in the middle of a depressive episode and few other things

Can't really push myself to do anything, got a pile of clean clothes on the floor, my meds everywhere in my room, work half done

Things aren't really good right now, trying to excersice feels like I'm faking it and being a creep

I just feel like shit, I hate myself and just wanna stay in bed, no mirrors, dysphoria and dysmorphia be some pieces of shit, can't really feel "woman" enough, can't truly love myself even when others do

All I see

All I hear

I'm a man

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

I'm back watching Steven Universe

I'm so fucking depressed and dysphoric, I want to get drunk and high and get fucked all at the same time while I'm called cute names and caressed in a soft dominating way

Can't truly come to peace with my Jasper frame, minus the massive amazing hips

[dumbfuckinglysmoky]

Maybe I should eat food and not just alcohol and weed