A cathartic release of the body and the soul. @dumpsterpoetics - Tumblr Blog

I need to talk about this.

This is something I need to share. Valentine's Day is a celebration of love. Self love, and love for others. Because of things that have occurred in the past year, I knew this day would be very difficult for me. I did my best to spread positivity to all of the people in my life, and give everyone love. But at the end of the day, my selfish mind got the best of me, and I reverted back into the negative mindset that I've been stuck in for so long. I miss my love, and that longing took hold of me. I'm sorry if this is too real, but I would not be alive right now if I hadn't run into a close friend last night. I was on my way to hurt myself very, very badly. I was going to do it. I could feel it in my fingertips. I could not think straight, and I was not safe in my own mind. I was going to end my own life. But a friend of mine called me, and by chance, we made plans and I got diverted from it. Upon meeting, I broke down into a sobbing mess and admitted to what I was about to do. This feels weird to admit, but this is it. This is where I'm at mentally. I am not doing well. I am not coping with the loss I am facing in a healthy way. I miss the person I love very much. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to face. It is not okay. It is very hard. And because of what happened last night, I am going to get help. I am going to attempt to see a therapist. I have made a handful of bad decisions as a result of this cloud I've been in. These are things that I am very embarrassed about, and I don't have a lot of confidence on the matter. To everyone I've hurt: I am so unbelievably sorry. If you are reading this, and I have hurt you in any way, on any level, I am so sorry. I don't know how to cope with the loss I'm dealing with, and I've tried to fill that void in a lot of unhealthy ways that have hurt lots of people. There is a hole in me that I cannot fill, and I have hurt so many people trying to fill that. There is only one person that can fix that, and it's me. But I know that even though I've made some mistakes, I know a truly unbelievable amount of incredible people. You've supported me and motivated me to keep on living this entire time, and I want that. My future is my own to make, and I want my life back. I would not be here without all of you. I felt the need to share this because I need to be honest with myself and appreciate this struggle for what it is. I need to stop playing this off like it's nothing. The love and support I've seen from everyone in my life has been absolutely overwhelming, and there aren't words that exist to describe how thankful and humbled I am by that. I am hurting very badly, but I am here, right now, because of you. I am sorry if this was weird, or uncomfortable, or whatever you think it was. I'm not doing this for attention. I needed to let this out. It's the only way I'm going to get better. Thank you for reading, I love you, thank you.

visual-poetry

by dark wall

[via]

No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming. No one is coming.

Haven’t done this

But I’m approaching five months and I just want to let this out. It’s been a rough few weeks. Things have been tough lately and I’ve been very back and forth. I don’t speak about these things with anyone and I’m in a state of complete and total emotional disrepair. I miss the person I love so much. I am convinced that this will never get easier ever. I push myself every day to get back out there and meet someone else but nothing feels right and I feel like an idiot for even making an attempt. This is daunting. I cannot find a way to talk to anyone about how I feel. I feel very alone in this and I know that’s selfish, but I just do. I have nothing. I miss you so much. I’m sorry.

There is nothing harder than speaking to a grieving mother about the person you love, and how much you both miss them. Absolutely nothing. I don’t talk about it as much as I should, but tonight is hell. I miss you so goddamn much.

probably just going to die one of these days, and that’s okay.

archivemol

I just want to feel alive again. I want to be happy. I want to get back out there, meet someone and do fun things. I want to make art. But I will never be able to get back to who I used to be. I can’t come back. This is pointless.

This is a stupid, pointless life.

I once held a grieving mother in my arms as she told me that I would have been a good son. As she told me that I would have given her child a good life, and that I did. From that moment on, I never came back. And I don’t think I will. At least for a very long time. I just want to have some kind of life that I can live normally from here on, but I feel as if I will never have that. I will only have this. This profoundly empty feeling. I made a promise to the person I loved the most that I would keep on living, and I intend to do so, but this is truly daunting.

#incredibly personal #sorry #unfollow if you want

Not sure why I ever felt even a little bit confident. I am an idiot and I should go away. I am dirt. I do not matter. I am so disappointed in myself for ever feeling any self confidence. I need to go away.

I am so emotionally broken and I don’t know what to do about it. I desperately need help and I don’t know how to ask for it or how to help myself. I just want to feel something for someone or anything. I want to live, but I don’t feel like that’s even possible.