@dunkelziffer - Tumblr Blog

looked into your eyes and found my favorite color

I promise you things will get so much better when you start processing people’s behavior as information rather than a verdict on your self-worth. If someone doesn’t text back, suddenly pulls away, whatever it may be, the solution isn’t to put on a tap dance for them and try to regain their approval. It’s not to crash out on them and try to force them to react a certain way. It’s just to take a step back, take a deep breath, and assess what this tells you. What’s this saying about them? What’s this saying about you??

stuckinapril

Like people’s actions are data points rather than death sentences. It could even be a data point about you. It could be that you’re not being a great friend, it could be that there’s something you guys miscommunicated. Or it could be that they themselves don’t have the means to be consistent, aren’t in the headspace to meet you where you are, whatever. But this is always data rather than a judgment. Even if you’re the problem, behavior can change.

Also, in the context of someone pulling back without explaining away, and assuming they didn’t give you a reasonable explanation in the first place, it’s also a data point that they’d react that way rather than communicate. Situations are always very context dependent, but they’re also always data, not verdicts on self worth.

stuckinapril

Btw this is coming from someone who used to beg for explanations, so I do feel like I’ve really grown into myself lately and I’m in a good headspace to speak about this! I really think it helped me to process people’s behavior (and even volatility) as data rather than anything else. Their behavior is giving you information. Take it as that. Take your time deciding what to do with that. There has never been a single situation where rushing to something (even if it’s rushing to reconcile with someone!!) has served me or made me feel better after the fact.

I’m not saying to become avoidant, but I am saying to evaluate the situations you’re in and ask what not only their behavior says about them, but what your reaction says about you. What is it triggering in you? Why is it triggering? This is always information, never a threat against your character!!