When I call out romanticisazion/normalization of abuse, the problem I’m addressing is generally not with the work itself. The work exists, I can’t take it away and I’m not trying to censor it. My problem is with people’s interpretation and internalization of the relationship dynamics from the work.
My problem with the portrayal of abusive relationships in fiction is not that they are abusive. Abusive relationships exist in real life and sanitizing our fiction of them will not fix that.
My problem is when people do not treat the relationship as abusive. When it is not presented as abusive by the content creator, or when it is not framed as abusive, bad, or undesirable, when it glosses over the effects on the victim or portrays the abuser in a positive light. My problem is when fans repeat this, refusing to call out the abuser for bad behavior (“my trash son did nothing wrong” etc.), intentionally misidentifying abuse, turning it back on the victim as if this justifies it (“well actually she could kick his ass so”), not listening to survivors who are affected by hurtful portrayals/interpretations (”well some survivors ship it so” well many of us don’t okay?), insisting that it’s only fiction and therefore has no impact on real life whatsoever (spoiler: it does), or even promoting a relationship between the victim and the abuser.
An abusive relationship is not something to be promoted. Abusive actions are not hallmarks of romance. Abusers are not tragic anti-heros who just need love to fix them; that is damaging to victims and that sentiment is what causes people to stay in abusive relationships. That, if they stick it out things will get better, or that if the abuser changes (usually by some sort of emotional labor or unconditional love by the victim), the relationship will magically become healthy as if the abuse never happened.
When we show support for an abusive ship, we are giving exposure to that kind of relationship dynamic, supporting social norms that this type of interaction is okay. When we support an abusive ship, we are supporting abuse as a romantic device. We code abusive behavior as romantic. This message is hurtful not just to survivors, but to people who are impressionable enough to internalize this and set them up later to accept abuse when it happens, either to them, to someone else, or in another on-screen relationship.
It’s important to call out abusive ships, or to not support them, because we need to support victims, past, present, and future. We need to teach abusers, past, present, and future, that abusive behavior is unlikely to (and should not) be rewarded with a good romantic relationship. We need to tell content creators that we do not want to see abuse turn into a relationship, and that we need to see abuser and victim clearly identified, with the abuse always portrayed as wrong. And we need to understand that wanting a victim to be associated any more with someone who abused them, is fucking shitty.
