30 and Single

[dvk1987-blog1]

The Approach

Today I'm getting back to the original topic of this blog, being single. So what comes with being single? Most of us want to end up in a healthy relationship and to get into that you obviously have to get to know other people/singles. With online dating around one thinks it should be pretty easy to meet someone but then again, think about it: How many couples do you know who are in a long term relationship and who have met online? I can think of just one couple amongst my friends. That is not a lot. So why is that? Maybe a reason is that some of the online-daters just want to have sex and are not even looking for a long-term relationship. Also, with online dating come many options, so some might just hop to another one during the first argument. They have the feeling that their date might be cool but someone else might be cooler because that someone could just be a swipe away. You know, maybe it's too easy to meet someone new online so you don't even bother to get to know the other person. And that is a real bummer. 

So what other options do we have? I really am not a club goer anymore and maybe you aren't either. But then there are still bars and cafés. And it was in such a bar where something happened that I'd like to write today. It has just happened that two friends of mine and I now have this bar where we meet up regularly. That is a good start because the more often you go to one place the more comfortable you feel there. So feeling rather comfortable and hanging out with my friends at that place, I saw a group of women coming in and sitting near us. One of them instantly really caught my eye. But then the self-doubts kicked in and I belittled myself. I thought she was way out of my league (which she wasn't) and that she most certainly had a boyfriend already (which she didn't) and time passed on. I started beating myself up because I couldn't find the courage to talk to her and I got frustrated and angry with myself until I brought myself back to the present, catching myself over-thinking and then I just stopped it. I stood up, approached her and finally talked to her (it took me around 3 hours to do so). She was delighted but rejected me in a friendly way. I was OK with that, since at least I had got the courage to do it (not wondering “what if”). So I got back to my stool and then this happened: She stood up, sat right next to me and we talked. And it was what she said that made me write this post. First, she thanked me because she was flattered and then she told me about how she and her friends often go out but almost never get approached by some guy and that she thought this really was a pity. She told me she thought that most of the guys didn't have the guts to do so and she found I was really courageous to just do it. This felt rather good and it got me thinking: With all this online dating around maybe she's right. One can easily stand out of the crowd by just approaching a person of interest in a bar or café or really any other place. What I don't want to imply with this is that you should go around and talk to everyone you find attractive or that other people are only waiting to be approached. But from time to time when someone really catches your attention just calm your inner critic, stand up and approach that someone. Certainly, you could still get rejected but at least afterwards you wouldn't have to wonder “what if”. And even if you get rejected, you could have made that somebody's day. If you are friendly and not weird, that is. And, let's be honest, what is the worst that could happen? Nothing that you can't get over with.

[dvk1987-blog1]

About making mistakes

This one will be more private as I will talk about my personal problems, but I like to share that with you.

From time to time I fall into a depression where my inner critic beats me up bad. I seeked professional help two times before but in the long run almost nothing had changed. A friend of mine told me about his experience with psycho analysis and I was intrigued. So I registered for that with a scheduled waiting time of around six month. A month ago I had my first appointment and soon my analysis will start. I’m pretty excited about that.

What I learned so far is that I really don’t allow myself to make mistakes. I learned that before, but this time it was eye opening. What made the difference? Well, I told about my childhood: my school grades back then, which were pretty good, but never really got appreciated. About my little sister and how she was able to manipulate at least my mother to get what she wanted. And about the arguments my parents had, which no 7-year-old should ever deal with.  And between all these things it dawned on me. I never felt I had a safe home and didn’t want to cause any trouble because my parents already had enough with their marriage and my demanding sister. This was a hard pill to swollow, but, as I already mentioned, it was eye opening, too. I now understand why I have this urge to be perfect and feel bad when I suck at something. From fear of failing I don’t pursue things like learning to play an instrument or painting. I stick with simple things I’m (already) good at or which seem easy for me like cooking and mixing cocktails (follow recipe X and you’ll get result Y). Well at cooking there are some drawbacks, but at least it’s always edible!

So my wish - my goal - is to allow myself to make mistakes, which is pretty hard for me. Luckily I have a dog now. He helps me with that, because I simply can’t do everything perfect with him, like I wouldn’t be able to perfectly raise a child, because that’s just plain impossible from my point of view.

So maybe I will share my progress with you here, but please take one thing with you from this text: Be easy on yourself and allow yourself to make mistakes. Without that we wouldn’t be able to widen our horizons and possibly miss out some awesome things.

[dvk1987-blog1]

Sports (and what it can do to you)

Today was a really dull day. Work sucked and I even skipped meditation in the morning to finish work earlier and I don’t even know why. Since three weeks I joined a Salsa course and it was scheduled today. After that boring day I barely had the motivation to go. But I kicked myself in the ass and went, because I knew it would bring me joy and hell it did!

One often reads or hears that sports is really good for yourself: it boosts your selfesteem und confidence and it’s healthy for your body if you don’t do it excessively. But I think sports where you can see your progress really well is even better than just sports.

I started calisthenics a few weeks ago and I barely saw progress. My repititions didn’t go up as I expected to and I felt like plateauing, so I had no motivation to do it again. But Salsa is a whole different story. Every week I learn new steps and can dance them at the end of those 90 minutes and I feel I really accopmplished something. And I did: I learnt; I progressed.

I heard about a study which investigates the impact of bouldering on depression compared to other sports and it seemsthat bouldering outshines the other. I am too lazy to search for that but my experience shows the same: Do something you can easily see you progress and you feel even better than just doing some sports.

[dvk1987-blog1]

How I almost got a dog

There is this firend of a friend of mine who has a dog but after switching jobs has no more time to take care after. I catched that while my friend was talking about it. As I really like dogs, I thought this would be a great opportunity. So I asked my friend to connect us and he did. After a few messages between the current dof owner and me, I visited the dog and decided to give it a try. For four days he stayed at my place. He is a 4 year old crossbreed of a shepherd, bernese cattle dog, border collie and labrador and has a lot of momentum. I must admit, I underestimated taking care of a dog, but after the four days I was sure I could handle it and I totally fell in love with this dog. I decided that I wanted to keep him, but sadly my neighbours and my landlord were against it, so I had to return him. I didn’t reckon with such a refusal, but that confirms me in my plans to move.

Of course I am really sad right now, but I try to focus on the bright side: now I know, I do not only like dogs, but I really want one and now I have a much better understanding of what that means for my life, like time management and priorities. I embrace the idea of taking care of someone in that way, be it a dog or a child. But currently a dog is far more probable ;-)

[dvk1987-blog1]

Fear less, do more

The last two weeks I was on vacation. First I visited a friend of mine in Zurich, after that I went sailing on the Baltic Sea. It was really fun, but I challenged myself, too.

In Switzerland my friend and I drove to Grindelwald because we wanted to do ziplining. In the past I would have been terrified by that idea because I’m afraid of heights and I was more of an anxious one. But something changed in the last few weeks. I think it’s because I expand my comfort zone more and more and step out of it from time to time, so my feeling of fear lessens and is getting replaced by excitement. As we got closer to the top and could see the start of the ZipRider my friend grew anxious while I grew excited. There was almost no sign of fear and, for me, that was really remarkable. The ziplining itself was not scary at all. It was slower than we expected, but it was fun anyway. After that we drove the First Mountain Cart back down, which was way more fun and neither of us was anxious about that.

On the sail I was ready to take on some responsibilities. So at every maneuver I wanted an assignment and I got one every time. This was great. Of course I had a slight fear of failure but my friends knew that it was only my second sail and everybody can screw up from time to time, so I tried not to overthink that and it helped me a lot. Almost every assignment I got I fulfilled. Two times I even steered the yacht. The first time was steering by sight, which was kind of easy. But the second was steering by wind, and it was not balmy! This really challenged me. We even had to tack twice while I was steering. I was really nervous but I wanted to prove to myself that I can do that. Also I knew, if I screw up the skipper would intervene. That thought calmed me a bit. After the two tacks and steering for something between 30 minutes and an hour I handed over the ship’s wheel to someone else, feeling weary and proud of myself.

Those two experiences felt extraordinary. I’m glad that I had the courage to do both and I strongly encourage you to do the same form time to time: fear less and do more!

[dvk1987-blog1]

Escaping the Comfort Zone

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone” - Neale Donald Walsch

I never really got what that quote means, until now that is. The last few weeks I am feeling something changing in me. It all started with a depressive episode, I felt really miserable. I have had those episodes earlier in my life but this time I said to myself: no more! Something needs to change; I need to change. So I started searching for the reasons I feel so depressed from time to time and I think I found some answers.

One of them is that I tend to stay in my comfort zone too much. And when I do I get bored and depressed. Life has so many things to offer and I only do the same dull things each day, week, month, year. There must be more to life. Interesteingly I realized this just now, but the last few weeks I really pushed the limits of my comfort zone. I try out more things (like painting), talk to strangers more and plan things I’ll do in the near future, that keep me excited. I can tell you, this feels liberating. As if just now I started to really live. I even experience less fear of and more excitement for the unknown. For example I’m planning a big journey next year and I struggle with the thought of paying my apartment at that time. So I decided to cancel my apartment. Now I need to figure out where to go with my furniture, but that seems to be less a problem than paying the rent for that time. Just the thought of canceling my apartment filled me with excitement and liberation; it put a big smile on my face.

So push the limits of your comfort zone or even step out of it from time to time. Let your life begin and feel the excitement and liberation I am allowed to experience since I began living my life at the end of my comfort zone (hopefully I can keep this up!).

[dvk1987-blog1]

Meditation

I read a lot about meditation in the past: that successful and/or calm people do it daily. So I gave it a try but it never really worked out for me. Just concentrating on my breathing felt really hard and I got distracted easily, which at that moment I thought was wrong. So I quitted it, because I felt like I can’t do it. It was boring and stressing me.

The other day I heard about a different approach at meditation: concentrate on three things to feel grateful about, then three things you’re proud about and then three things you’re excited about. I changed this approach a little by reducing it to one thing each and tried it in the morning before leaving the house. I concentrated on really feeling those feelings and it worked like a charm. I was astonished by the energy and positivity I felt. I keep doing it in the morning since and every day I’m leaving the house with a big smile and the determination to take on that day.

My message is that meditation comes in many forms and it’s okay to feel distracted. But give it a chance and find a form that works for you. It can be really amazing.

[dvk1987-blog1]

Wrong beliefs

Recently I stumbled upon a text about wrong beliefs. For those who don’t know what exactly I mean by this, here is my explanation: Wrong beliefs are the inner voice trying (and mostly succeeding) to convince you that something is real, although you can’t know yet. An example, and one of the more often wrong beliefs I fall victim to: when I see an attractive woman who I’d like to know, immediatley my inner voice is trying to convince me that she probably already is in a relationship or that she wouldn’t be interested anyway. So my mind immediatley comes up with lame excuses to not talk to her. The thing with wrong beliefs is, if you are cautious, you can identify them and act like they are not there.

And so I did: There is this woman on facebook who I find really attractive and her posts are really likeable. My wrong beliefs came up trying to convince me that she is in a relationship. But I couldn’t have known. In this moment I identified this wrong belief as what it is: wrong, and I found the courage to write her. What should I say: we are writing daily since and in a few weeks we want to meet (she lives a little further away and I go on vacation the next weeks). I know it was just a message on facebook, but for me it was a breakthrough! I hope I’ll identify my wrong beliefs now even more often so that I can act, instead of doing nothing.

[dvk1987-blog1]

Curiosity and courage

The last few weeks I realized that I am a very curious person but I rarely have the courage to give in. This is something I am currently working on and my experiences so far are amazing!

That one day I rode my bike to pick something up from a friend and there was this church nearby. I only saw that church from one side so far so I decided to drive by. Then I realized that the doors were open. After a brief hesistation I gathered my courage and went inside. I am not a religious person, but a little bit spiritual. I wanted to feel small indside that big church and for a short time I did but it wasn’t that overwhelming like I imagined. Then I discovered an exhibition of oil paintings and collages, which was really interesting, because a few days before I decided to start painting with acrylic paint, so it was a huge inspiration for me. If I didn’t stop at that church where my curiosity had driven me I wouldn’t have seen this exhibition. This was an instant gratification for my courage to more often give in to my curiosity. I really encourage you to do the same. It feels amazing.

[dvk1987-blog1]

Hope

Hope is something that can give you power if you’re feeling down. Hoping for better times can keep you alive and give you energy. Hope can fill you with joy, e.g. when you’re watching sports and it’s the typical David vs. Goliath. Like most you’re cheering for David and it’s the hope, that he can beat Goliath, that gets you excited. And if, in the end, he really does, you are all high with joy.

But like always there are two sides of the same coin. Hope can bring you down and make you desperate. Cheering for David and seeing him getting beaten the shit out of makes you question the concept of hope. If you often hope for the unlikely, most of the time you’ll get disappointed. This can lead you down a dark path.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t hope, but maybe it’s better to concentrate on the things whose outcome you can influence yourself. Like setting goals and pursuing them.

See, that’s the thing with hope. You only need to hope for things whose outcome you can’t influence, because the other things you can work for to develop the way you want it.

[dvk1987-blog1]

Doing things alone

There are events, like concerts and special club nights, I would really like to take part in, but my friends can’t or wont. So I will try and go alone. A friend of mine just recently went to the movies alone. She sad, she would do it again. Of course, at the cinema you don’t talk that much, so company is rather unimportant. I could easily imagine myself going to the movies alone. But to concerts and clubs? But then a workmate just told me yesterday, he was alone at a club and had a really great night. He doesn’t seem to be a super confident guy, so if he can do it, why not me? Since he told me his story I feel encouraged to do so. Next week there is a concert I’d like to see and none of my friends are coming so far. So this might be my chance. The week after that is a special night at a club and again, so far none of my friends are coming. I’m really looking forward to doing this alone and I’m somewhat thrilled by the thought.

I will report!

[dvk1987-blog1]

Online dating

I tried online dating for a while and even met an impressive woman that way. We dated for about two months and it was a great time. As I got to know her better from date to date it was somewhat magical, because we had so much in common, which we didn’t knew before we met. But she just started her self-employment and didn’t really have time for a serious relationship. So we broke up.

She was one of the first women I met via online dating and after it was over I got back at it. But then something happened. Before, I just was curious about meeting women and I was quite relaxed about if we would match and if something like a relationship could evolve. After her I wasn’t that relaxed anymore. I just wanted a new girlfriend. I had, like, this checklist in my mind, what we should have in common in order for a relationship to work. And this is how online dating doesn’t work, at least not for me. It’s really fun, if you are just curious in meeting new people and relaxed about if something could evolve. But if you are (almost) obsessed with finding a new partner this way, it could get really depressing. All the high hopes before getting shattered when you finally meet. There’s just too much pressure and it’s not fun anymore. Think about how you would meet someone without online dating. There are no hopes before the first meeting, because you just met. There is less pressure, because you’re not focused in finding a new partner. This is when magic can happen.

[dvk1987-blog1]

Goals

I am a strong believer in goals. I think there should always be something one wants to achieve, and after achieving that, there needs to be a next goal.

After my fiancée broke up with me, my life plan got disturbed. So I needed to figure out other goals to set, which were independent of someone else.

This was totally new for me. All my life, my goals were somewhat forced upon me: finish school, finish study, find a good paying job. All these goals I have accomplished and after that I only concentrated on raising a family.

But after the breakup I suddenly stood there with no personal goals whatsoever. So I figured, I needed to set new ones. I decided to learn riding and sailing, get better at cooking, try out more things to find a new hobby or even a new passion.

So, although it sometimes seems to me, that I currently have no life goal or that I can not achieve it in the near future or even work for it, I have many small goals and I continuously set new ones, so that I always have something to work for.

[dvk1987-blog1]

Failures

Do you now that feeling, that the next time you want make everything right? Well, I do. Like, when my fiancée broke up with my last year, I thought with the next girl I want to get it right. All the mistakes I made before I wanted to avoid and make things better. As you might guess, this didn’t work out very well. There was so much pressure of getting everything right and if you think about it, one can’t possibly achieve this. Let me make it really clear:

It’s impossible to get everything right.

And that is totally okay. Our failures are what make us grow and the life worth living. You can’t be perfect and that’s beatiful. Perfect is boring. So embrace your failures as opportunities to grow and don’t put the pressure on you to get everything right the next time, because you can’t.

[dvk1987-blog1]

The weekends

Sometimes I get the feeling that I need to get out more, so I can meet new people and especially potential mates. That feeling is even more present, when I see that other single friends of mine are going to parties like all the time. But I’m not really a party guy. I like to hang out with friends or grabbing a beer at a bar, but I don’t like crowded clubs where I don’t know the majority of people. But still that feeling emerges.

It’s like I’m going to miss the opportunity to meet a girl if I don’t party all the time. But then, why the rush to meet new girls? On average you’ll live about 700.000 hours. So if you miss a day it’s almost like nothing. There really is no need to rush things. Make the choices you’re comfortable with und don’t bother what other people do.

On top of that, it might seem that others are partying all the time but remember, they’re most probably not. It’s like this friend on facebook, who posts holiday pics all the time. You only see those nice pics but what you don’t see is, how much they are working to afford that. Maybe they’re near a burnout or have other severe problems. 

So don’t bother what other people do and concentrate on yourself. Be comfortable with your decisions of how you want to spent your spare time.

[dvk1987-blog1]

Do I really want children?

The short answer is yes. But...

As I stated earlier, I thought my life goal was raising a family. But at this point I’m not quite sure anymore. What bothers me is the question, if I meet a girl who seems perfect for me, we fall in love really hard and everything’s just perfect, but that girl absolutely doesn’t want any kids, would that be it, would I really leave her because she wont have my children? I don’t think so. At this point I really like the idea of having children. Imagining coming together at christmas or birthdays as a family. But you can’t predict such a future. It could be that I meet a girld who can’t have children. Well I definitely wouldn’t leave her! Or imagine one of your children dies by an accident or a bad disease. That could destroy a person. Of course I awfulize here, but life isn’t always what you want it to be.

In addition there are many other opportunities to satisfy the longing of raising someone. You could be a mentor, godparent or even a dogparent. Coming together as a family on holidays? Well, you already have a family, or friends, who act like one.

So the long answer is: Yes, I want children, but I would not let this desire stand in the way of meeting someone special and spending the rest of my life with her when she doesn’t.

[dvk1987-blog1]

Friendship

Everywhere you read about breakups and being single, best friends are mentioned: How important it is to have their company and support, so you can talk about your feelings, try to understand them better and even cope with them. Or your fiends just distract you from your misery, so you can laugh again. I definitely agree with that, but here is my stuggle:

All three of my best friends, the ones where I feel understood the most, with whom I can talk for hours straight about superficial and meeningful things, they all live in another town. They are there for me if I really need them, but sometimes I just want to grab a beer spontaneously with one of them which is simply not possible. I try to see them as often as I can on the weekends, but they have a life on their own. Of course we communicate almost every day via social media or text messages (I’m not a phone guy), but sometimes this is just not enough. So what are my options?

I could move to that town, too. I even have a job offer there. But would that change anything? I don’t think so. One of them is moving to Australia next year and the other two are a couple, working full time, having their own problems.

I could make new BFFs. Yeah, like that’s so easy. I think it’s easier to find a new girlfriend, than a new BFF.

I could see a therapist. Then I certainly have someone to talk to about my feelings regularly. But it’s only for an hour per week and there is a big difference between friendship and just having someone to talk to. It’s better than nothing, sure.

The last and best option is to acknowledge that even if my best friends would live in the same town like me, or if I had more of them, there would be times, where none of them would have time for me. But they are there when I need them the most. And I am really grateful for that!