say one nice sentence to me and it seems i’ll post just anything on here. t4t synacky notfic i wrote in december 2024, something sweeter compared to my usual <3
every so often i am attacked by t4t synacky brainworms… i love you trans woman brian and he/him transmasc lesbian zack <3 idk exactly how old they are here, they’re at least in their mid thirties. suddenly i was struck by thoughts about brian recovering from bottom surgery.
now that it’s approaching, she can’t help but feel nervous. and why wouldn’t she be, it’s surgery. yeah, she’s had surgery before, she’s got implants, but this is a bigger deal. it feels like so much of her life has built up to this.
having to be off hormones has her grouchy and moody. she’s telling herself it’s all for the best but she can’t help but snap at zack sometimes even though she knows he’s only trying to help.
brian hasn’t felt much like sex, but they have it once in the lead-up to the surgery: zack eating her out from behind, moaning against her ass, fucking love this pussy, and it doesn’t escape brian’s mind that the next time they have sex, whenever the hell that will be, she’ll have a pussy. she’ll have a vagina. she’ll be leaving that hospital with a vagina.
zack fucks her after that, a toy pressed inside him and brian still on her front. it’s weird to be hard. brian can’t remember the last time she was. of course it’s only a little, nothing like she used to get before she went on e, but compared to what she’s grown used to happening now it’s still like – different. she tries to focus on the toy inside her, zack’s hands on her hips. how that’s as good as it always is, even with how strange she’s been feeling lately.
zack doesn’t touch her, but he doesn’t stop fucking her until she comes.
“you okay?” he asks afterwards, when he’s lying down beside her, and brian nods. smiles. she’s fine. it was good. she knows zack’s here for her, but she can’t like – lean on him. she’ll be doing far too much of that in the coming weeks.
so she goes into the hospital. goes under the anaesthetic. feels like she goes missing for the time she’s in there, can’t find herself. tells herself it’s what she wanted what she wanted what she wanted, and it is, it is what she wants, but it’s hard to remember that when she can’t fucking do anything.
the only thing it feels like she’s allowed to do is dilate, and she has to do that or it’ll all have been for nothing. zack’s by her side but he can’t sleep in their bed, has to stay in a spare bedroom while brian recovers, and she misses him at night. misses him at night when she can’t sleep because all she’s done is lie around all day yet again.
she can’t even sit up so of course she can’t play guitar, though her fingers are itching for it. her ears are itching for it too, so she asks zack to play for her.
brian starts off watching, but it makes her heart ache, makes her wish she was playing with him, so she shuts her eyes and just listens.
silence. zack’s finished. brian opens her eyes.
“my favourite guitarist,” she tells him, and he grins. blushes. sets his guitar aside and moves closer, kissing her forehead and then sitting next to her on the bed. it’s the first time he’s been on their bed since brian got back from the hospital. she wants him back here every night, but – time. it’ll take time.
sometimes, it’s difficult not to resent him for the fact that he doesn’t want this, that he doesn’t feel the need for it himself. sure, sometimes he packs, but he’s never shown an interest in surgery.
the first time they spoke about it, brian was shocked. couldn’t understand why someone didn’t want it when she always has, when it’s been a goal for her ever since she realised it was a possibility. yeah, zack’s had top surgery – brian held his hand when he got the scars tattooed over: god knows he’s had enough tattoos that it wasn’t because of the pain but because she knew how much it meant to him – but he never wanted the rest of it.
it’s different, she supposes. he’s got something slightly different going on. stuff that brian didn’t quite get at first, but now she does. she likes that he’s a lesbian. it’s affirming, validating. like, he’s a lesbian, and he wants HER <3
one day, zack offers to help her dilate. brian’s unsure at first, but she lets him because it’s like. zack wants to be close to her. he hasn’t been able to get close to her in recent days, but he wants to and how can she say no to that?
she doesn’t know what zack’s expecting from it. does he think that because he’s putting something inside her that it’ll be sexy, intimate? brian guesses that sure, it’ll be the most intimate they’ve been, but not like – in a sexy way. she isn’t feeling sexy.
of course zack gives brian a thorough look before pushing the dilator in. brian supposes she can’t blame him. she doesn’t look at him while he’s doing it, though. she has to look away.
then i stopped writing… something something she knows he’d do anything to take this away from her… i wanted to write them having sex afterwards but i’m feeling impatient so have the following from that however many weeks later: he’s always loved doing this for her, and she’s always loved it too, but now it’s like she loves herself as well. like the euphoria is radiating from her, she’s glowing with it.
