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Bro i have a journal so idk why I posted so much shit on here lol. HELLO VOID! No one reads these. I wanna delete this account but honestly it has so many memories from years ago.

Welp. I have blue hair now so yay. Finally the true alt angsty teenager I once was. Also thought: why tf is it that every remotely cute guy I see online I find out later is taken lol. Whatever. I ain’t even mad. Hears to ringing in 2019 without anxiety or depression for the first time. Lord knows last year I was literally bedridden miserable and anxious about my wilting feelings for my ex.

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I would usually journal about this but my room is dark and I just don’t feel like writing lol.

So today’s the 4 month mark after the breakup. It’s surreal to think how time has FLOWN ever since. It’s surreal to think 5 months ago my life was entirely different and this very significant person was still in my life. And how different the future looked back then. There are some things that haven’t changed, like the fact that I’m starting grad school very soon. And that I got that haircut and tattoo I swore I would get this summer.

But now, I don’t have daily anxiety. I’m not depressed. I get excited seeing so many attractive people out in the world and seeing all the possibilities. I still get bouts of loneliness, but I’ve always dealt with that. I have a much more positive outlook.

And this is what I was thinking just now. My ex and his first gf dated for almost exactly the same time he and I did. I’m fairly sure they broke up for similar reasons. I don’t know her at all and have never spoken to her, but it would be so interesting to hear her side of the story. Did she feel as insecure in the relationship with him as I did? Did we have the same problems? Was he always getting in those moods that, on the surface looked like it brought us closer, but in reality is actually what drove us to break up? Idk. I’d like to think so. I’d like to shove all the blame on him but I obviously can’t because I contributed my fair share to the loss. But I guess it is a little comforting to think that this might be a possible pattern for him and I unfortunately fell victim to it.

IDK. This is all just me thinking wildly out loud. Just speculation and day dreaming. I’m glad she’s been in a relationship for like two years now with someone that’s a much better fit for her. Kinda low key gives me hope, although I don’t feel hopeless to begin with.

Let’s just say I’m fully supporting 2018 flying by, I can’t wait for October and fall scented candles and Halloween and then the year ending.

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Monthly update time!!

The guy I went on a few dates with isn’t someone I could seriously date lol. He’s cool but I don’t feel anything there. It’s nice to have someone to cuddle with though and I mean sex is a need right lmao. Most importantly, he makes me feel comfortable and is understanding of where I am in my life. And what really surprised me is that I didn’t feel ashamed or guilty or like I was betraying (?) my ex by sleeping with someone else. It is what it is. I’m young and life goes on, I know my ex sure as hell is moving on as well.

Doesn’t mean I don’t miss him like crazy. I still cry over him, but I don’t stop or judge myself. He’s moved away officially though, so it is nice to not panic about running into him at target or campus. It’s sad though. I miss his family. It’s getting to a point where I’m kinda of in disbelief that we were together at one point. Like was that a dream? Did that actually happen? I guess that’s a good thing.

I got my hair cut short today and it’s awesome. I’m also getting another tattoo this weekend, some watercolor orchids. I see it as becoming this person that Nick has never seen or touched. Kinda how like skin sheds constantly and after a while, every part of your body is new and that person who kissed and touched you, well their imprint is long gone. It’s healing in a way. Now there’s this guy who will see and touch my new tattoo and for once it’s something Nick didn’t get to do.

It’s just crazy how life works. I’m not particularly looking to get into another relationship, but I’m open to love again and I feel fairly optimistic. I’ve learned that the best things come into your life when you least expect it and when you least ask for it.

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Update

I travel to Colombia in two days and I’m so stoked about it. But more importantly, I’m trying my hand at dating again. I know, gasp. But I got curious about a guy who lmao used to be my personal trainer. We’ve been talking and have gone out twice. He’s pretty cool and I’m definitely attracted to him (he’s tattooed everywhere lmao the universe seriously kept my “type” in mind). He’s my height though and yeah that sounds superficial af but this is coming from someone who was dating a 6’4 dude.

I can’t even fathom anything serious right now though. I’m hesitant to even hold his hand— it feels weird and wrong. Yet I would totally sleep with him. Thankfully he’s really understanding and mature. He’s acknowledged the fact that I’m still healing and that I need time. That’s huge for me. Idk where things will go but even if nothing happens, I’m grateful I may have gained a new friend at this time in my life.

[milfdotorg]

egoist - olivia hye

[gif87a-com]

[platinumsupa]

i’ll never not love how absolutely noisy huskies are.

my grandma’s husky was the absolute angriest and whiniest monster anyones ever met and i loved her

[animar-seal-of-elephants]

they’re having a conversation

[hayley566]

They’re so overdramatic. I love it.

[tuulikki]

@puppyloveblog24

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An old friend from high school is going into labor soon and I’m so glued to her social media because I’m so excited for her, she’s such a sweet girl and her boyfriend is pretty great too.

And another friend of mine is recently pregnant and I’m closer to her so I’ll be getting updates and I’m also so excited to go on this journey with her!! Can’t wait for the baby shower.

I’m really glad I’m not being cynical about any of this, I’m genuinely so happy for them. In another world, I would want to become a mom pretty soon too. I just get so damn excited. But I’m fine with being in this world and not being ready and being single and just being excited for these beautiful women and their lil bebs.

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This past week has been one long drop on whatever shit roller coaster I’m on. It’s honestly felt like a clusterfuck of emotions and I can’t identify them, it’s just all around sadness and lethargy. I was seriously making progress but idk, I guess I’m experiencing the famous ups and downs of grieving or healing or whatever. I hate that I’ve been crying over him again but I also hate that I’m judging myself for crying. Like it was my first serious healthy relationship and a year and a half is a long time. We were literally one unit (which was part of the problem) and losing that other half is devastating. It doesn’t help that I’ve seen pictures of him smiling. I try not to read into them because no one is going to post on social media real sad emotions. No ones going to post pictures of themselves crying at night lmao. I know because I’ve posted pictures of myself smiling but that is absolutely far from the truth.

But it’s gratifying how patient I’ve become with myself. When I’m having a rough moment crying and being unable to stop, I have this voice in my head soothing me. Telling me it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel sad, and that it’s all part of healing and moving on. That I’m human and I loved dearly and I’m going to be okay. And that little voice is me, my higher self, the opposite of my ego. So I know I’m making progress if I’m literally comforting myself. And it’s not for lack of support. I can break down in front of a friend or my mom but I just really don’t want to. I know they won’t judge me for feeling this sad but I guess i still have a big part of me that wants to hide these things. Maybe I want to appear strong. Or maybe it’s just that I’ve never felt comfortable showing vulnerability. The only person I was okay doing so is my current reason for feeling so sad lol.

This post really had no goal or purpose, just some word vomit. I wish time would pass faster.

[tuhatvuotinenharharetki]

Current mood: Kendrick Lamar eating corn on the cob in a palm tree

[toastp1ercer]

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Either I’m coming back to square one of misery or my first period off birth control has destroyed my emotional regulation system and I cry at anything lol.

[batgrll]

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Isn’t it ironic and also kinda heartwarming with a dash of sadness that I’ve been playing on the DS my ex decided to let me keep and the game I’ve been playing was also his (animal crossing).

Lol. He said he’d rather I have it since I’ll probably use it more. If that’s not a beautiful parting gift idk wtf is.

[foreverthe80s]

IT (1990)

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I’ve read so much contradicting info on closeness in relationships. One is not becoming so dependent on them for your happiness or becoming so attached that if they leave, part of you leaves with them. Also not being so intertwined emotionally that whatever you feel, they feel and vice versa.

The other side I’ve read is actually backed by attachment theory and it says dependency is not a bad thing at all. It’s okay to feel sad when they’re sad and having your happiness depend on them. They mention a biological study in which wives stress levels would decrease if they were holding their husbands hands, compared to a stranger or no one at all. “When two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional wellbeing”.

The “dependency paradox” as they call it, says in order for us to feel secure and independent in a relationship, instead of keeping boundaries and distance, what we need is exactly the opposite: someone we can depend on. If our partner can meet our needs, reassure us during hard times, and make us feel safe then we are free to venture out into the world and be ourselves, pursue our dreams, etc. Our focus will be on ourselves because we won’t have to worry about a partner leaving or hurting us.

It makes a lot of sense to me. If my partner couldn’t reassure me when I got anxious about the relationship (and instead fed my anxiety over and over), then my attention would constantly be on him and the relationship. I would lose myself and literally get lost in anxious thoughts about how we weren’t going to work out and he was unhappy.

So it sounds great that we could simply just find someone who can meet our needs and be dependable. But after two failed relationships in which I’m left never wanting to open my heart up again to anyone, it’s really really scary to just put down any walls I have. I dont want to feel this heartbreak again. How could we ever know that the partner were with is the partner we can depend on for life? That’s just impossible to know.

My therapist recommended this book but it’s raised so many questions and confusion that hopefully she can ease my worries lol.

[localstarboy]

Lmao

[maureen2musings]

[i-can-only-bliss-out-deactivate]

insanity

[smexytroll-deactivated20180826]

If i lived here I would have to stay inside most of the time because going outside would cause my heart to explode and i think i speak on behlaf of most people too