Creating Dynamic Internet Content

Online Content Lovingly Handcrafted by Jeff Wattenhofer.

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Now Hiring: Personal Trainer at LA Fitness

I am gonna get Corona, California so uncomfortably fit!

Job Ref: Personal Trainer

Dear LA Fitness,

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the guy that's going to transform your town from the sad sack of fat it is now into a tanned and toned, rock-hard God whose baby-oiled pecs glisten in the sun. That's who I am, pal!

Am I a "certified" personal trainer? Well, not in the strictest sense, but I think these biceps speak for themselves, and I sure as shit didn't need to know cardiopulmonary resuscitation to get this six pack either, Jack!

Give me one month, and I promise I can get anyone shredded, ripped, pumped, cut, swoll, jacked, or juiced. You bring me the clients, and I'll keep 'em close by with training techniques other personal trainers are too scared to teach. I'm the real deal, baby!

I'll ask them straight out. What are you looking to blast? Your Quads? Your Lats? Your Zaps? Your Tips? I can get you on a performance plan that'll really get you yoked. I'm talking uncomfortably bulky, brah!

With your permission, I'd also like to take my clients offsite to my home for additional training one can't get in a typical fitness center. Sure, we could do all that usual gym crap, using the fancy machines, waiting our turn, wiping down seats after we use them, but I want to give my clients a personalized experience they'll never forget, dude!

Crossfit is all the rage right now, and I can ride that wave for sure. I've got all sorts of tires, chains, microwaves, and half a Jeep Grand Cherokee just sitting around, rusting in my backyard. You can flip and throw that stuff to your heart's content. Do NOT throw the cinder blocks! I'm building a barbecue pit. Gonna char up some portobellos this summer, friend!

But fitness is more than exercise. You have to fuel the machine too, and I know every supplement on the market today, including the undetectable ones. I may even have a few bottles of the good stuff from the 80s lying around. Before the government started sticking its nose in our business. Know what I mean, brother?!

Don't have the cash for the sups? No problem. Did you know you can draw blood from your own body, and inject it back in later for an extra boost of energy? Whether it's for running a marathon or that big sales meeting, I'll have you looking and feeling great, naturally. That's a promise, punk!

Well? What do you say? Is Corona, California ready to get fit, or do I have to mosey on up to Barstow to get my pump on, geek!?

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer

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Now Hiring: IKEA

I don’t care if IKEA is in hot water for making dressers that fall over and kill kids, I still want to work there!

Job Ref: Home Furnishing Sales Coworker — Living Rooms

Dear IKEA,

Work at IKEA!? That’s a brilliant idea! I’m there all the time, why not get paid for it too? I love your store! Everything in my house is from IKEA! Even the phone! Which reminds me, please lets correspond through email only. I don’t think I put the buttons on right.

As a regular IKEA shopper, I’m ready to assist any customer in need. Whether they want help picking out a tiny couch or just got lost in the third floor office furniture department while looking for the second floor home office department, I’ll be there.

I’m a whiz at furniture construction too. I once put together a Flürg desk lamp in under six hours, and a Trugggëtnk bookshelf in just a shade over one month, and again the next year when that one broke.

During the Nagano Olympics, I challenged myself to put together as many IKEA items as I could between the opening and closing ceremonies. I had so much particle board sent to my house, the fire marshall almost had me evicted! While Sweden racked up three medals in cross country skiing and curling (Gö Sweden!), I was hard at work putting together IKEA furniture. When that Olympic torch was finally extinguished two weeks later, I had completed one cabinet, half a coffee table, and opened a pack of 30 wått light bulbs. I felt like I could have been on a Wheaties box that year!

Just curious, can I be paid, at least partially, in IKEA meatballs? I have tried time and time again to make them like IKEA at home, but they never look like the ones from the catalog. I can usually get the size and color right, but the moistness is always WAY off. And they never smell like meat. It would be so much easier to get them straight from the source. I’d even take a pay cut for the privilege.

So, I’m proposing, on the first of each month, I am allowed to dunk one of those reusable plastic tarp bags in the meatball vat and to take the resulting stash home with me at the end of my shift. I understand this might hamper your ability to properly track the meatballs you sell, so I am willing to provide a strict accounting of every meatball I take, once I get them all in my garage and counted. Any meatballs I do not use at the end of the month, I will box up and ship to you at my expense. Some months I may request to be paid in loose salmon, lingonberry jam, or a combination of both.

Well, my nightstand just collapsed, so I better go take care of that. See you soon!

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer

PS…Do you need any of these weird screws? I have a million of ’em in my apartment.

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Now Hiring: Cleaning Help in a MMA Gym

Job Ref: Looking for help Cleaning in MMA Gym

Dear Ms. Turner,

So, your MMA school needs some part time help cleaning up, huh? Well, that's too damn bad, because I didn't come here to get the job. I came here to issue a challenge. Me versus your best guy (or girl)...in the octagon. If I lose, I take that job as janitor/office help, NO PAY. If I win, you cede control of the Frankfort Mixed Martial Arts school and all its students to ME.

Let this be a warning, I'm HIGHLY experienced in numerous styles of fighting. I've studied boxing, kickboxing, Muy Thai, Kick-Muy Thai, and have a flawless record in Twister. I can wriggle out of anything, and hitting me only makes me madder. You don't want none of this.

What will I do with your dojo when I win? Well, I have plans to take over the entirety of Frankfort Illinois, as well as neighboring Mokena and Tinley Park by sheer brute force. But, to make the town cower at my feet and do my bidding, I need an army of your trained fighters to back me up. When your impressionable young students see your best fighter laying in defeat, they will have no choice but to switch their allegiances to the victor. 

These young warriors will constitute my army, terrorizing the town, stealing the supplies we need, and protecting our lair from enemies. I won't need guns, because your students will be my lethal weapons. First, we'll take over the historic business district, then the Walgreens on Route 30. Within the month, the whole village will be under my control.

As a showing of goodwill, I will allow you the rights to your intellectual properties, for the Frankfort MMA School is DEAD. It is the PAIN DUNGEON now! I will, however, continue offering the fitness kickboxing classes, as they are quite popular and a bit of a cash cow.

You may wonder why, since I'm such an experienced combatant and leader, I don't have my own collection of trained fighters at the ready. Frankly, I don't have the time to open my own martial arts school, design a logo, advertise, build up a clientele, weed out the kids with helicopter parents, and get them all on board with my plans to terrorize Frankfort, Illinois, ok? It's just easier to issue the challenge to your MMA school and then take it all, lock, stock, and barrel in a high stakes superfight.

So, what do you say? You got the GUTS? Cordially,

Jeff Wattenhofer

PS...Do I need a special accreditation to own and operate a martial arts school in Will County? I was looking on the Frankfort City Hall webpage, and I’m a little in the weeds about that one. Maybe we can grab coffee before the fight and discuss? 

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Now Hiring: Store Manager at Upscale “Mens Lifestyle” Shop

An upper class "men's lifestyle" store in San Francisco's financial district? They have their own in-house tobacconist and fly fishing shop? With a vintage twist!?Well, I GOTTA work there! I'm dandy as all get out!

Job Ref: Store Manager / Men's Retail, Lifestyle Brand

Dear Wingtip,

Finally someone gets it. Finally a store where I can be whisked back to the greatest generation when men were men and women were property. For just a small, exorbinant cost, the finest gentlemen of San Francisco can enjoy the life of their grandfathers, at least the part before he was shipped off to an assisted living facility and rarely visited. I would LOVE to become manager of such a store.

One thing. I noticed you have your own in-house barber, fly fishing shop, and tobacconist, but is that all? Gentleman, you don't sell Victrolas? No typewriter repair service? Monocle fitting? I bet you don't even have a single candlestick phone on the premises! Jesus, what year is it in San Francisco? 2009? Get with the times, fellas!

As for my experience in the old timey luxury industry, for the last three years I've run a vintage boutique pharmacy in Silver Lake called “Apocathary.” Our store lives up to its promise of selling no medicine invented after 1913. To achieve this, my team and I search antique stores and garage sales all over the country for vintage pre-World War I remedies. We can cure anything from Whooping Cough to Miner's Toe. Our shelves are stocked with all the top brands too, Conklin's Paragoric Salve, McCallister's 100% Pure Haxamine Tablets, and Dr. Fudd's Lung Potion just to name a few. We have a part time leech specialist, but he is not in-house.

I had to leave the operation this year after a swift crackdown from the FDA. A few people with eczema ended up getting mercury poisoning, and it turns out you can't put opium in migraine medicine anymore, no matter how low the dosage. This wouldn't be a problem if Taft was still in office, am I right!?

So, I'm ready to change my brand and make the move to men's lifestyle and fasion. I run a tight ship, so get your employees ready. We will keep our pocketwatches synced at all times, and mustaches had better be waxed to a point that could pop a balloon. Spats are MANDATORY. If you can't fit a horseshoe, then you don't deserve to work at our "one-stop shop" for the modern gentleman.

We'll be putting in some new features under my watch too, no expense spared. I want ALL bow ties hand woven to order. Every purchase comes with a complimentary straight razor shave and cigar. Representatives from Ford headquarters are going to be onsite leasing Hybrid Model T's, which is good because we'll also be opening a full-service gas station with vintage pumps. The staff will be downsized by 40% to raise revenue. Every Tuesday and Thursday, live barbershop quartets perform.

So lets get started. There’s no time like the present to start selling the past.

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer

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Now Hiring: Office Accountant

Job Ref: Office Accountant

Dear Mr Mays,

Saw the the ad for the Office Accountant job, really interested in it. We should definitely schedule a meeting. Look, I'm more than qualified for this job, and we can discuss my resume at the interview for sure, but I have a more important issue I have to get cleared up before I can work there.

What are your employee life insurance policies like? Pretty lax? I know they usually cover funeral costs, but how conservative are their payments in regards to unorthodox postmortem procedures, specifically cryogenics?

I'm not trying to scam anybody or anything. It's just that my wife, kids, Aunt Janis, and dogs are all in agreement that when we die we'd like to be encased in a stainless steel tube filled with liquid nitrogen and preserved in suspended animation at a Florida Cryonics facility until the day in which science is advanced enough to revive us. Pretty run of the mill stuff, really. But man oh man is it pricey. So, if I'm going to be working there into my pre-freeze years, I have to know the company is going to take care of me in retirement as well as my several decades spent in ice limbo.

And hey, I'm a fair man. If you put up the money on this side of the freeze, I will be more than willing to work it off on the backend. Provided that up to a century of cryopreservation has not robbed me of all motor skills and the ability to do basic math, I can resume a 40 hour work week managing the company's finances as soon as possible. I MAY need some retraining.

You know, I just thought of something. Group rates! Maybe we can ask around the office and see if anyone else is interested. I know for a fact there's some room left in my cryotank. We might all be working together again in the same office come the 30th century! When I come in to interview, I'll drop off some pamphlets.

I look forward to meeting you soon. I sure hope we get along, considering we may spend several decades with our frozen naked bodies crammed together in a state of neurovitrification. And I SNORE too(just kidding!). I'll see you Monday!

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer

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Now Hiring: Bounce House Installers

Job Ref: Bounce House Installer

Dear Brian,

Your firm needs bounce house installers in Charlotte, I see. Well, I’ve been in my share of bounce houses over the years, and I think its time I finally give back. I would love to be a full time member of the Now It’s a Party! team!

A little bit about myself, I actually have quite a bit of experience with houses. In 2007, I began my career as an architect. It was a nice living, and I was good at it too. Under my tutelage, our firm was building homes far faster and exponentially more affordable than any of our competitors. In just a few short years, I built libraries, preschools, as well as dozens of houses all over Charlotte, perhaps even yours!

Well, a few years later, seven houses that I designed collapsed during a mild rainstorm. It's no big deal, really. Only four people were hurt substantially. One pet bird did have to be put down after eating some loose insulation, but it had been in poor health beforehand.

Things got pretty tough for a while there. After the storm collapse incident(s), it didn't take long for me to become persona non grata at my architecture firm. Just a few months after the ninth house collapsed, I noticed my name wasn't on the August birthdays list in the break room. I still got cake, we all did, but it seemed personal. When it happened again the following two Augusts, I knew was time to move on.

After a few years working odd jobs, I've got the bug to build again. I'm not licensed to design or construct homes anymore, but I think if I shore up my reputation, I can get back to my architectural career. So, I'm starting small and getting back to the basics, with bounce houses. I like the simplicity of working on a bounce house. No nails, no wood, no corrosive sealants from China that save thousands in cost overruns, but over time turn out to substantially jeopardize the structural integrity of a 12,000 square foot split level home. Yep, just compressed air and vinyl are all I need now.

One caveat. If I could just get the name and address of customers before we go out for the bounce house install, that would be ideal. There's a few families I'm legally barred from speaking with as a result of several class action suits. Oh, and I can't work Thursdays. I have a dance class.

Let’s build something together.

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer

PS...I don’t want to push too hard at the beginning, but just know, I have some sketches for a three story bounce house prototype I’d love to “bounce off you” when you have a minute.

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Now Hiring: Carnival Help

Job Ref: Carnival Help

Dear Mr. Davis,

First off, thank you so much for not using the slur "Carny" in your ad. It's demeaning, and getting future generations to stop using that word starts with us. I applaud you, Davis Shows Carnival Company.

I'd like a job, and I hope being late doesn't reflect poorly on me. Now, I know I missed the May 11th cutoff for working the Sequim Irrigation Festival, and that was punishment enough, believe me! I NEVER miss the Sequim Irrigation Festival, even the year when my child was being born one town over! But I was called away on FEDERAL business for a few years and didn't get let out until this week. Who won the Strongman Showdown this year? Was it Don?

My experience is thus. I operated the “Beetle Bumps” ride for two seasons in Jackson, the “Seven-Up Cups” ride in Raleigh off and on during high school, and a popular three card monte game (find the lady, where's the lady?) on the Seattle monorail most nights in 2004. I know how to spot a rube a mile away, and can field strip any ferris wheel in under thirteen minutes. I am not legally allowed to work in food concession stands.

Is there any way I could lay low for a bit this week, maybe work in the back or after dark or something, at least until we cross state lines? It's too long to get into now, but I've got a few people looking for me and a snake I'm not supposed to have. Also, I don't have a "valid" ID, but I have one that works at SOME airports. Is that enough? If not, you let me skim $500 off my first weeks pay, and I can get my guy to make one that's laminated.

So, I guess I'll just come find you guys. If you left Sequim on the 15th, you're probably halfway to Yakima by now, so I better start driving. When you see a tan Cavalier with a Bermese python riding shotgun pulling up the drive, that'd be me. Just point me to the funnel cakes for a quick bite, and I’m ready to go.

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer

PS...I’m not sure if you’re the kind of carnival that still does freak shows, but I can dislocate my (left) shoulder on command. It doesn't hurt much, but boy does it look upsetting. Could be worth a few bucks on the side.

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Now Hiring: ESPN

Job Ref: Motion Graphics Operator

Dear ESPN,

I have a confession. I'm not actually applying for the position of Motion Graphics Operator. While nothing would make me happier than to operate all manner of colored shapes that might frenetically swipe across the screen during a standard ESPN broadcast, this is not my intention. I actually wanted to use this letter to gain access to ESPN corporate headquarters so that I could pitch you a few ideas for your popular "30 for 30" documentary series. I love the show, and would appreciate a chance to tell the stories behind some of the most historic sporting events in history.

I should also mention I don't follow sports, in any capacity really, but I believe the 30 for 30 film series captures the story of sporting events in a way that anyone who appreciates top notch filmmaking can enjoy and live vicariously through.

But there are some GLARING omissions. It's absolutely criminal that you've never covered the Japanese guy that eats all the hotdogs, that gorilla mascot that does the trampoline slam dunks, or any of the American Gladiators.  And that’s just off the top of my head! Here’s a few more subjects just waiting to be 30’d:

Tae Bo. It was the biggest workout phenomenon since bench pressing, and now it’s GONE. And yet people are using the “punch” in MMA fights to this day.

The history of the Harlem Globetrotters bucket of water/confetti routine.

The time this kid Taylor from my junior high beat the X-Men arcade game with just $3 worth of tokens.

Dicks Sporting Goods. You ever been in one of these? There's SO MUCH EQUIPMENT! We interview Shaq or Joe Montana or whoever about deals they got over the years on bats and nets and junk. Maybe follow up on what that equipment is doing now.

The winter night in Chicago that I miscalculated the distance to the subway station before it closed for the night, and I had to walk three miles in a foot of snow to get home. Not a competitive sport per se, but as a tale of human endurance story it could prove inspiring.

I went to a college football game once in the 90s. People seemed excited. Maybe something about that?

For director, Marty obviously, if he's not too busy with Vinyl or maybe even Polanski if we can get around the whole extradition thing. But, I’ll leave that up to you. I just want to tell these stories!

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer

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Now Hiring: Graveyard Bartender

Job Ref: Graveyard Bartender

Dear Bully,

I'm applying for the graveyard bartender position at your sports bar & grill in Sparks, Nevada. I'm not going to second guess your decision to put a sports bar in a damned graveyard, but if you're hiring, it must mean business is booming. I guess nothing would take the edge off of losing a loved one quite like a Miller High Life, some Seger on the jukebox, and a few games of Keno to pass the time.

Now, be honest, how much of the clientele is undead? If you're open all night, it can't just be the grieving. There's ghosts too, right? It’s cool if there are. Dead people have to cut loose too every now and then I suppose. All I want is a heads up, so I can prepare myself. I mean, chatting up a funeral director or some gravedigger is going to be awkward enough, but what do I talk about with a dude that's spent the past half century in the ground? "How ‘bout that Dimaggio hitting streak, eh?"

When they drink, does the beer just spill through them onto the floor? Do I clean that up or is there a janitorial staff? What about if the song Thriller comes on the radio? Do I leave it on? Is it offensive? Will they do the dance? Is it the same for the Ghostbusters theme?  If I die on the job, am I the bartender there forever?

Look, I'll just say it, this place SPOOKS ME OUT! If the job market were a little better, I wouldn't feel the need to work in some haunted sports bar, pouring pints for ghouls and goblins, but my wife says I need to get a job THIS WEEK or she won't let me use the Nissan anymore, so here I am. I'll be professional, reliable, and hardworking just so long as one of those vaporous sons of bitches keeps their slime off me. I get slimed, even once, I walk. And I better not show up to work one day to find out "there hasn't been a Bully's Sports Bar & Grill here for...FORTY YEARS!" My dad is a workman's comp attorney in Reno, so don't try it.

Sorry to lay down the law so hard in this cover letter, but I've seen the undead portrayed negatively in the media my whole life, and I just want to make sure we're square. I really am a great bartender ("Best Rum & Coke in Town" -Phoenix Weekly, 2006), and I look forward to hearing back from you soon.

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer

PS...Are there any day shifts available?

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Now Hiring: Uber Driver

I didn’t even have to seek out a job listing this week. Uber mailed this letter to ME!

They already want me, so I GOTSTA apply to this job!

Job Ref: Uber Driver

Dear Uber,

When I received your letter in the mail, I was so relieved. Thank you so much for seeking me out. Finally I can escape these bills and mounting debt! It's so simple too! Work for Uber. Why didn't I think of that? And here I was, not applying to Uber based soley on the fact that I don't own a car. Turns out you guys don't care! What a bold stance for a car-based business model!

Since I already walk the city of LA to get around anyway, it'll only be a small adjustment to add passengers to my daily routine. I run REAL fast, and I can deadlift up to one man or two moderately sized women at a time with just the assistance of a weightlifting belt and some smart lifting tecniques. All things considered, I'm guessing I could handle up to 8 miles of Uber fares per night, and even more if they’re small children.

Don't worry about speed either. Traffic jams? Not a problem. I'll be able to dart between cars, climb over walls and fences, cut through people's yards, swim a little, or whatever else it takes to get my passengers to their destination on time. Sure they won't be able to charge their iPhones during the ride, and maybe I might be a little too winded on the hills to make chit-chat, but what a unique experience it'll be for an Uber customer so used to the humdrum normality of ride shares these days. Imagine their delight when instead of a dude in a white Prius pulling up, I'm standing outside their apartment in a damp Uber polo, getting a quick stretch in. Think of all the Instagrams!

I admit, there may be some issues with this arrangement, but I'm confident there's a workaround to everything. For instance, I don't know that I'm legally allowed to access freeways on foot, so I may need to bypass them with buses and subways, but I promise to both pay the Metro fare for my passengers as well as keep them hiked up on my shoulders for the duration of the bus ride.

Now, I don't want to make any waves and all, seeing as how I haven't even gotten the job yet, but you did seek ME out, and well...I need a raise. After all, I will be physically carrying these people to their destinations. I'm gonna be going through shoes like crazy, and for the comfort of my passengers, (who I remind you will be resting on my shoulders and back for no less than 45 minutes at a time) I should probably wear fabrics that wick. And that Under Armour crap don't come cheap. So, whatever the usual fee structure is for cars, how about I get a buck more?  Maybe later on down the road we can talk Rollerblades, but I won’t press the issue now.

I’m fully insured (Lloyds of London policy on my legs from my modeling days), licensed (concealed carry), and ready to go to work for U(ber)!

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer

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Now Hiring: Chocolatier & Candy Chef

Job Ref: Chocolatier & Candy Chef

Dear Sir or Madam,

Chocolate is my life, my art, my inspiration. It is my canvas and the clearest window into my soul. If things went my way, children would have a similar fatal reaction as dogs to the cocoa leaf, so that my creations would not be wasted on such unsophisticated palates, but also, poetically, their last taste in life would be their greatest. If you're looking for Hershey Kisses and Mr. Goodbars, I shall take my services elsewhere, but if you wish to stand on the shoulders of giants and touch heaven itself, I would be happy to join "Kilwin's Chocolates, Fudge & Ice Cream" in Baltimore, Maryland.

I was trained by my father and grandmother, both tyrants in the field. To them chocolate was life or death. You may have watched the Willy Wonka film believing it to be a mirthful romp, but I assure you, as a child in my family, the horrors they depicted onscreen were practically documentary. After witnessing countless victims perish in our chocolate stream, it is impossible not to take the subject of chocolate as seriously as I do.

I should warn you. I am EXTREMELY hard to work with. I've been dismissed from dozens of kitchens that could not keep up. Several restraining orders have been filed against me, and I am legally barred from working as a chocolatier in the state of Rhode Island. Let this be a warning, I can promise you Kilwin's will be no different if anyone should stand in the way of my vision.

There will times in the kitchen where I have gone completely missing for days. Hours will tick by and nerves begin to frey. You'll shout, "Where the hell is he? It's Easter weekend for Chrissake, and we haven't got bunny one out on the salesfloor! Shelly, you call my extension the SECOND that prima donna son of a bitch pulls in the lot, you got that? I'm gonna can his ass before he can dirty up another smock. *sigh* I never should have sold my family's car dealersh..." At that very moment, I enter the kitchen in a trance, silencing you with a single pointed finger, and procede, never breaking stride, to the kitchen where I prepare a truffle that would make God herself well up with tears of bliss. And your chocolate bunnies? I made those at dawn. Check the walk-in.

All the screaming arguements, the broken dishes, the blood and bruises, the fires and lawsuits will all be but a funny anecdote onstage as we accept countless top honors at the International Chocolate Conference in Brussels.

Please, hire me. Allow me to take you on this one-way thrill ride to Chocolate Valhalla.

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer

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Now Hiring: Burbank City Manager

Job Ref: Burbank City Manager

Dear Honorable Mayor Bob Frutos,

Burbank needs a city manager? A non-elected official to keep tabs on the inner workings of the city? I can't believe it. I've wanted a job like this my whole life! Even as a young student at Burbank High (Go Johnnies!), I was interested in government. As a kid, I dreamt of  spending my hours brainstorming fun ideas for the student body, and then working with the student government to make it happen. I ended up running for class president four times!

Even though I was defeated soundly all four years by Rick Culbertson, even though I had to settle for class secretary while mister varsity tennis star himself showed up to a total of like two class meetings in four years, and even though Rick's dad owned a printing company that printed up about 1,000 glossy fliers despite the $25 spending limit for student campaigns, I fell in love with elected office. Rick may have given up tennis to work at his dad's printing company, but I never gave up on my dream of working in government.

The way I see it, the city manager's job is more than just pencil pushing and maintaing budgets. It's about infusing Burbank with fresh ideas to get the people excited about their city again, and I've got ideas-a-plenty!

There's "Brrrr-bank," my summer initiative to beat the heat townwide. Here's how it works. For the month of August, every bank in town just CRANKS it's AC. I'm talking full blast, 65 degrees minimum in every bank lobby for 31 days. Popsicles for the kids, margs for mom. Big hit.

I think we can all agree the parking situation downtown is getting pretty bleak, and it’s time for a new multi-story parking garage. I notice there’s some land by the mall we could bulldoze to make room. Right now it’s just a few tennis courts no one will miss. 

Maybe some public outreach in the schools? I could teach some kind of "fairness in elections" class. With the presidential race all over the news, the kids could use someone to teach them the difference between an honest candidate and someone who is just being propped up by some sports trophies and their dad's money.

It should be WAY harder to own and operate a printing company in this city, don't you think? Maybe we create a copyplace czar to raid some of these places? Toxic inks, cockfighting rings, human trafficking, who knows what shady stuff is going on in there. Let’s start locking up some of these crooks!

Summer movie nights in the park are always a great idea.

I can’t wait to get back into the game. No jocks can stand in the way of making Burbank great again now! I look forward to hearing from you!

Burbank-ing on this job,

Jeff Wattenhofer

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Now Hiring: Hard Rock Cafe

Job Ref: Hard Rock Cafe - All Positions

Dear Hiring Director,

I saw the Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville is hiring for all positions, and though I don’t actually live in Nashville, I would hop on the first bus to get out there to join your team!

The mission of the Hard Rock is one I hold VERY dear. Eating a pulled pork sandwich is great and all, but the experience is made truly divine when had in the vicinity of a signed guitar or stage-worn outfit from an artist popular in the decade the restaurant opened. Each bite is complemented visually by the sight of a vintage Stevie Ray Vaughn guitar pick, and when I'm done reading the menu, I can read the handwritten lyrics to Pour Some Sugar on Me. And if I can leave that meal with a single souvenir drumstick emblazoned with the restaurant's corporate logo...all the better.

Growing up, I was a Planet Hollywood guy all the way. My family would try to take me out to an ESPN Zone or a Medieval Times, and I’d just stay in the car. "Food was meant to be enjoyed around MOVIE memorabilia," I would shout to anyone who listened. Well, when the P.H. in my local mall finally closed its doors three months after opening, I put in an offer to buy a suit jacket from Rain Man off them, and never stepped foot in a restaurant again.

Until...

I was in Orlando, for a Planet Hollywood fan convention. A few of us wanted to get a bite to eat in between the autograph session and the celebrity panel (the Pittsburg location's day manager was speaking!). Anyway, my friends took me to a Hard Rock Cafe nearby, and from then on, I was hooked on the classic American dishes, radio-friendly soundtrack, and iconic tokens from the history of rock music. I've been Hard Rockin' ever since!

Now I want to become part of the Hard Rock Family. I'll do literally anything. Wait tables, no problem. Bookkeeping, no problem. Washing dishes...maybe slight problems (soap allergy), but I'll give it a shot. I just want to be around the action!

Working here will give me the experience I need to fulfill my dream of opening my own restaurant, "The Hard Rock Cafe Café," a Hard Rock Cafe-themed eatery that celebrates the legacy of the Hard Rock franchise. Diners will eat amongst painstakingly preserved relics from Hard Rock Cafe history such as waiter paystubs, plastic bar pitchers, even OSHA labor law posters that ACTUALLY hung in ACTUAL Hard Rock Cafe breakrooms! It will be just like eating in a REAL Hard Rock Cafe!

I know it’s only rock and roll (themed dining), but I like it. Please bring me on board!

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer

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Now Hiring: Tropical Fish Supplier

Job Ref: Tropical Fish Supplier

Dear Sir,

I'd like to come on board as the tropical fish supplier for your shop "Fish Fish Fish" in Palisades Park, New Jersey. Now, I don't want to tell you how to run your business, but I don't plan on making deliveries or washing out fish tanks in some warehouse. I plan on cutting our overhead, muscling the competition, and making us some real money.

I've amassed a wide array of contacts in the world of fish supply over the past decade. These are some of the most highly skilled and trusted names in the tropical fish supply game. Meet my team.

Jimmy Swede is a prep cook at the Rainforest Cafe in Atlantic City that can get us slightly used tropical fish for cheap. See, sometimes the day staff at the restaurant forget to feed the fish, and the aggressive ones will start chomping on the others. Happens more often then you'd think. Anyway, people in the restaurant see that, they freak out. It can get pretty gruesome in those tanks, believe me, not the ambiance you want to accompany your plate of Python Pasta. So, the manager pays Jimmy to take the mean ones home in a ziplock at the end of his shift. Jimmy's got quite the collection at his apartment now, and he's looking to unload.

As for supplies, that's my man Hugh Galleto. Hugh bought out the owners of the "Tap Dat Glass" fish shop in Patterson right before it burned down in 2008. Miraculously, Hugh happened to have unloaded everything outta there the morning of. Great guy.

Rueben Swelter can turn just about anything into fish food. It won't be healthy, but it will be cheap, and they'll eat it.

Ronnie, he's the muscle, and he does not like fish. Don't talk to Ronnie.

But if you really want to make some money, and you're not afraid to bend the rules a bit...

I can get you 3,000 miniature treasure chests from my contact across the border, serial numbers scratched off of course. This is top quality merchandise, they blow bubbles and everything. Colored pebbles, I got 'em by the truckload. Smoothed down bits of glass soda bottles, no one will know the difference. Lava rocks, mini shipwreck, that one fish that just sticks the glass, I can get it all for you cheap, provided you don't ask too many questions.

If you're interested, meet me and my associates by the docks at midnight. They will search you, please do not be offended. That's just how serious they take the tropical fish game. We await your answer

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer

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Now Hiring: Yacht Steward

Job Ref: Yacht Steward

Ahoy!

I would like to be the steward for any and all journeys taken on your yacht in Miami. As yacht steward, I would do much more than just serve snacks and keep guests entertained. I would devise unforgettable yacht outings the likes of which you and your passengers have never before experienced. Believe me, they will be spectacular. Here's how I see the typical boat trip going down:

As they make their way down the dock, our guests will spot my figure, outlined in shadows, standing mighty atop the moored yacht, bathed in the foreground glow of a setting Miami sun. Once on deck, I shall offer them a hearty "welcome aboard," my voice tinged with an inflection of knowing, as if to indicate a sense of awareness of precisely how the wonders of this ocean voyage will transform their lives. Light hors d'oeuvres and glasses of Moët are distributed. As our passengers imbibe, I will regale them with accounts of past adventures at sea, hinting at the earthly delights that shall dance upon their senses for the next fortnight. Once we have shoved off, and land has vanished from the horizon, I will ask that all passengers remove their wedding rings, place them in their empty champagne glasses, and follow me below deck.

It's my belief that on the ocean, a man can reinvent himself from scratch, forge a fresh path with a newly liberated identity. I should know. In 2004, I shed my old life as an assistant DA in rural Kentucky and cast myself as an international playboy of the high seas. Lance Richards was dead. Jeff Wattenhofer was born.

Below deck, our passengers will learn of our destination. Obviously my itinerary will vary depending on the season, but I promise each trip out to sea will bring with it a healthy dose of danger and international intrigue. Our route will trace lines usually reserved exclusively for illicit activity. We shall tread into waters known only to pirates and cartels, gazing upon sights that would lead even the most agent to their certain death. Discretion during this leg of the trip is mandatory, and we will be sailing without a passenger manifest to stave off kidnappings for ransom.

Passing through these perilous junctures is the only way to Xanadu, or in our case, a collection of islands 173 miles east of Barbados, islands that no law can govern. I cannot go completely into the details, but suffice to say it has been said these islands were specializing in pleasure before the ancient Egyptians had even started the pyramids.

I must warn you, the temptations of these islands have caused many to stay behind, abandoning their lives in the modern world for the promise of an endless paradise. Myself, I stayed on the island for nearly two years as part of a polyamorous marriage with 14 spouses. Our days were spent tending to a flock of the famed dodo bird, long thought extinct by the rest of the world and our nights were filled with song, dance, and passionate physical expressions of love. Only an unspeakable sequence of tragedies could rupture our union. I still weep for those poor 14 souls.

If hired, I can also prepare a menu of catered meals both appetizing and budget friendly.

Permission to come aboard?

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer

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Now Hiring: Easter Bunny

Job Ref: Bunny and Bunny Helpers

Dear Cherry Hill Photo Enterprises,

I see you’re in the market for a mall Easter Bunny this year. Well, I’m qualified (I have a PULSE and a third grade education, after all). In fact, I’m overqualified. As a mall Santa for over 12 years, I was renowned in the scene for my skills, often bringing in nearly $48,000 a day in photo sales. In a single December, I could clear $650k easy, enough to make my nut for the whole year and then some. Come the 25th, I’d drop the lbs, lose the beard, and get lost in the Dominican for months. Around October, I’d stagger back to the states with those lbs back on (Pina Coladas), dry out, and start training for another successful December.

I was a GOD at the Bannister Crossings Mall back in ‘96. Everyday I’m making a Santa sack full of cash, parking my 'Stang right out front, an Orange Julius whenever I wanted. We were practically printing money. I’d like to see some Easter Bunny creep pull off a month like that. Not likely. Man, you should have seen it. Kids would literally shit themselves when they saw me. They’d have to be ushered out before they even got to sit on my lap! We’d still make them pay, of course. The price is for the experience of meeting Santa. It’s not up to me what you do when that moment comes.

Then, around '09, it all kinda went away. Maybe it was the recession, maybe it was the “War on Christmas,” maybe it was the Tuesday I wrapped my 'Stang around a light pole after a few too many nogs with “Mrs. Claus.” It’s not for me to say. What I do know is that I CHANGED CHILDREN’S LIVES. I didn’t put on a bunny suit like some cosplay pervert and pose for polaroids all day. I WAS Santa.

See, the thing you Easter jerks don’t get is that a Santa ENGAGES his audience. He listens. He communicates. He doesn’t just sit there, silent, sweating through his pink fur sweatpants. Any moron can do that. A Santa…that’s a sacred persona. Easter Bunnying was little league and I was Babe Ruth hitting a grand slam every goddamned at-bat.

So, yeah, there might have been a time in my life when I’d scoff at the sight of a mall Easter Bunny. I’d take one look at that oversized head terrifying some toddler with its dead eyes and toothy grin, and think “this guy could never hack it in the Claus game.” I might have asked, “what kind of a loser would work for peanuts for the all of eight days that Easter season lasts?” I’d think, "I would never stoop so low.”

But now, I guess I gotta suck it up, and admit that I was wrong. Will you please let me work as a mall Easter Bunny in Lombard, IL?  

Humbly,

Jeff Wattenhofer

PS…I ain’t gonna wear the head. I’m not covering my face with anything more than a beard.

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Now Hiring: Executive Assistant at Beats by Dre

Job Ref: Executive Assistant

Dear Doctor Andre Dre,

Wow. What an opportunity! Dr. Dre's executive assistant? Are you kidding me!?

Wait. ARE you kidding me?  Because I’m assuming there is no other executive at Beats by Dre, because Dre answers to NOBODY, baby! He’s head honcho as far as I’m concerned! The big cheese! The whole enchilada!

Well Doctor, it seems this "Beats" thing is really taking off. "Beats" are the biggest thing to hit music since Mozart! They put the “Beat” in “Beat”les! What an incredible product!

I can't speak to their quality personally. More of a Bose guy myself. Though you can't go wrong with a nice set of Altec Lansings or even a sweet pair of Harmon Kardons. You know, come to think of it, I wanna say the speakers in my house are actually Panasonic. I'll check when I get home (I'm writing this on a display laptop at Best Buy) and get back to you.

Either way, I'd love to try those "Beats" out (but easy on the bass, please!) and I'd definitely love to join the "Beats" team. I'll be a hands-on assistant, ready to grab coffee, schedule a meeting, or lay down a blistering guest track at a moments notice.

And rest assured I'm WEST COAST all the way. Those East Coast knuckleheads don't know what they're talking about! Don’t even get me started on those East Coast lamebrains. I’ll be get too steamed to finish this letter. I'd be happy to get personally involved in any of your feuds still lingering from '92. However you want to handle it (diss track preferred), I'm game.

This is probably a dumb question, but should I carry a gun or are most of those beefs pretty much settled by now? I'm not scared or anything, I just don't want to give HR the wrong idea about a firearm in the workplace if we're not worried about B.G. Knocc Out or Tim Dog showing up in the lobby. Don’t worry. Handgun or no, if they step to our reception staff, I'll kindly give 'em the what’s for.

That said, if Suge Knight ever strolls into the office, all bets are off.

I can help you with any g things, light filing, whatever.  Please just let me ride.

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer