The Dysphoria Chronicles

describing female sex dysphoria

[crashchaoscats-deactivated20200]

Found this in the Appendix of “Clinical Management of Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents” which appeared in the International Journal of Transgenderism, vol 9, numbers ¾. The International Journal of Transgenderism if the official journal of WPATH.

Utrecht Gender Dysphoria Scale, Adolescent Version

Female-to-Male Version

Response categories are: agree completely, agree somewhat, neutral, disagree somewhat, disagree completely. Items 1, 2, 4-6 and 10-12 are scored 5-1; items 3 ans 7-9 are scored 1-5.

I prefer to behave like a boy.

Every time someone treats me like a girl I feel hurt.

I love to live as a girl.

I continuously want to be treated like a boy.

A boy’s life is more attractive for me than a girl’s life.

I feel unhappy because I have to behave like a girl.

Living as a girl is something positive for me.

I enjoy seeing my naked body in the mirror.

I like to behave sexually as a girl.

I hate menstruating because it makes me feel like a girl.

I hate having breasts.

I wish I had been born a boy.

Male-to-Female Version

Response criteria are: agree completely, agree somewhat, neutral, disagree somewhat, disagree completely. Items are scored 1-5.

My life would be meaningless if I would have to live as a boy.

Every time someone treats me like a boy I feel hurt.

I feel unhappy if someone calls me a boy.

I feel unhappy because I have a male body.

The idea that I will always be a boy gives me a sinking feeling.

I hate myself because I’m a boy.

I feel uncomfortable behaving like a boy, always and everywhere.

Only as a girl would my life be worth living.

I dislike urinating in a standing position.

I am dissatisfied with my beard growth because it makes me look like a boy.

I dislike having erections.

It would be better not to live than to have to live as a boy.

Scoring and Evaluation

As can be expected most non-transsexuals score close to the minimum score, which is 12. Most transsexuals score close to the maximum score, which is 60. Problematic applicants in terms of eligibility for sex reassignment and in terms of treatment course tend to score in the middle range of the scale.

[neat-dyke-deactivated20190427]

This evening I assembled a piece of really cheap, shitty furniture with nothing but my equally cheap and shitty leatherman. I took this time to take my shirt off and complete a task while I was fully in my body and focused. As I crouched over to fasten screws into the piece, I was very conscious of how my stomach had rolls when I bent over, and how my hips bulged out a bit from my pants when I leaned. I usually feel pretty grossed out by how my body looks and behaves in these situations, how characteristically feminine and soft is appears, but I made myself sit with it this time. I wanted to reach for my shirt to cover my body up but I didn’t. For three hours, I bent over, drove screws into metal, and watched as my (soft, lumpy) body completed the task. I grew more and more content with the body performing the work as the project came together. When I was finished I felt so confident and pleased with the new addition to my apartment that I hung out with my shirt off for the rest of the night. 

This is an example of an approach to a dysphoric moment that, rather than hiding or disguising my body, highlights my body’s existing capabilities and its inherent good. This method does nothing to create the illusion that my body is somehow different than what it really is. Essentially, this strategy is the opposite of that utilized through binders/packers/etc., devices that attempt to alter the appearance of the body, and thus the experience of being in that body, to relieve dysphoria. I distracted myself from my discomfort with a task that required a lot of concentration (those instructions were also shit, lol), and I became more familiar with how my body looked and felt over the course of a few hours. The familiarity somewhat desensitized me from the feelings of revulsion I typically feel toward my body. 

[whimsicalgoodies]

Females who have overcome dysphoria without transition to male?

I’m female and I have physical and social dysphoria, but I don’t want to identify as male or transition because it would complicate so much shit in my life. I just don’t think I can do that. 

I’ve been told by trans guys that transition is the *only* way to overcome dysphoria, and I’ve been told by radfems that it’s not even an acceptable way. I don’t think I agree with either of those stances, but I would love to talk to some woman-identified females who have overcome ‘ftm’ type dysphoria without transition. I would prefer reblogs or responses to the post instead of private messages b/c this is a side blog so I can’t respond privately.

[radwitchescauldron]

It wasn’t even an option back in the day, so I did what I had to do to survive. I got therapy and antidepressants to deal with the depression I was coping with. I started making art, doing martial arts, teaching myself that my body wasn’t a decorative item for others. It is a tool for me to accomplish things. I started treating myself more kindly.

[hot-flanks]

I’ve found a lot of healing in thinking of my body as a tool, or as a machine. It has purpose, and function. 

[twentythreetimes-deactivated201]

^ I really like that last comment. Thinking of my body as a machine/tool with a purpose/function has helped me improve my eating habits, motivates me to exercise, helps me feel neutral or even good about my period, and also definitely helps with my sex dysphoria as a whole. It’s a big idea that could be broken down quite a bit. 

Something that’s bothered me since I was a teenager is my hips. When I was on T, I realized on a bodily level that there was only so much that fat distribution would change about my shape. T can’t re-mold bones. And even since detransitioning, I’ve felt a lot of disdain towards my hips. I always wanted fuckin skinny-boy hips. But I think about it differently now. One part of that is normalizing the female body. While I was at Michfest I felt really different about my body and much more accepting towards the more female features, like my hips. But thinking about function is what really makes the difference when I’m walking down the street and I start to analyze a man I pass on the sidewalk. 

My hips give me stability. My hips give me a center of balance. My hips are central to the strength in my body. Man hips are tiny and don’t add stability like mine do. Man bodies have a center of balance in the chest. Man bodies are disproportional. My center of balance can be an asset. Men’s top heavy center of balance can be used against them in a fight. 

That’s one small example. 

More broadly, when I feel the most dysphoric and like my homunculus doesn’t match up at all and like I want to crawl out of my skin, I generally choose one of two approaches.

1, limit sensation/awareness in a non-destructive way, which often includes distraction. That could be taking a nap, it could be engaging in something totally absorbing online, it could be watching tv or reading a book, it could be making a collage, it could be zoning out on a long walk, it could be doing a repetitive task and only thinking about a certain subject, it could include limiting or turning off some sort of sensory input. (Destructive versions include drinking, smoking weed, etc.)

2, engage in total sensation/body-energy movement in a non-destructive way, which usually involves exercise. That could be running, it could be rotating doing pull-ups/sit-ups/push-ups/jumping jacks, it could be doing something that’s physically very difficult, it could include listening to very loud music, it could include letting yourself just totally go crazy and express how you feel physically (like dancing, but…more like moshing on your own.) It could include crying really hard and feeling your feelings to their very fullest. (Destructive versions of this include cutting, hitting yourself, fighting someone else verbally or physically, etc.) 

These two approaches aren’t answers to dysphoria. They are tools to get you to a better place with a somewhat different outlook. Learning on a physical level what is an appropriate response to feeling dysphoria can start to really change how you choose to think about it. 

[finallyfemale]

I would really love for people to listen to detransitioned women and not immediately assume we’re “TERFs” and just yell about that to shut us up. My personal experience has no agenda. It exists, whether anybody likes it or not, and whether I like it or not, for that matter. I’m a real person who went through a real thing that changed my life and my outlook on that life forever. No amount of strawmen or wishful thinking will change that. I have nothing but empathy for trans people, and tbh people in general. I’m not a confrontational person and I know that there is every chance I am wrong about a lot of things. I literally just want to go into the “detransition” tag and not feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.

Detransitioned women, I think, as a group, have been through enough. We’re not the enemy.

[lifeinpoetry]

I don’t feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body. I just feel trapped.

Leslie Feinberg, “Stone Butch Blues” (via lifeinpoetry)

[e-cryptid-deactivated20180601]

Looking back, the thing that freaks me out about gender therapy is that I was never offered any coping skills even just for in the meantime before I could medically transition. No tips on how to deal with a dysphoric panic attack. No advice on how to stop obsessing over the way I was perceived until it made me sick. No actual therapy to address the distress I was feeling in the moment. And that’s just fucking negligent when people literally do commit suicide over dysphoria.

[genderatheism]

on alternate ways of dealing with dysphoria

Someone sent me a message asking about this earlier.  I want to respect their anonymity but they told me that what I said was helpful to them so I feel like sharing it with the rest of you.  So here’s some things I do that help me manage my dysphoria:

Reality check

It’s helpful to me to remind myself that dysphoria is not reality, it’s a mental disorder that alters your perception of yourself.  You can think of it like other disorders like anxiety– if I’m feeling really anxious about something, I try to imagine my situation from an outside perspective and ask myself “is this really something I need to worry about or is this just my anxious brain being anxious?”  If I’m feeling really dysphoric I do similar mental exercises, like “I may feel this compulsion to change my body because I don’t like it, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything objectively wrong with my body.  Regardless of how I feel about it, this is the body I have, even if I were to alter it it would still be the same one.”

Physical activity

This is something I’m really bad at keeping up with because I’m a little cave gremlin who doesn’t like to be away from my laptop for too long.  But if you want to feel at home in your body, doing things that make your body do things helps a lot with feeling centered.  Part of the reason I got a dog was so that I would have to get up and move every day, no excuses.  I also enjoy yoga and swimming a lot.  You don’t have to do those particular things, but if you can find something physical you like doing I highly recommend it.

Positive affirmation

Okay, this one sounds really cheesy but I swear it makes me feel better.  When I’m getting ready for the day I take a few extra moments to look in the mirror, give myself a big smile and say something like, “I’m okay the way I am,” “I’m ready for this,” “I am enough,” or something to that effect.  Sometimes it’s barely a whisper, some days I don’t want to say anything out loud at all.  It’s the thought that counts though.

I hope this is helpful to someone, and if anyone else has other methods of coping with dysphoria that they’d like to share, please do!

[root-of-an-unfocus-blog]

Ok so I really hope I’m not out of line here, happy to delete this if need be. If it’s ok though, I’d actually like to expand on the “physical activity” part of this, because that’s something that didn’t work for me for a long time. I found that in the short term, things that made me feel more present in my body (hiking, swimming, pilates, etc) increased my level of dysphoria massively to the point where I wasn’t able to continue doing the activity. But I’ve since found some things that do help and in my experience, the key is basically to focus on things that require your body to be the way it is—that couldn’t be done if your body was any other way. 

So for me, one example I bring up is playing piano, because the fingerings I use to realise a piece of music are unique to the structure of my hands. If my hands were different, I would have to start completely over from scratch with the piano, because none of the ways of playing music that I’ve developed would work anymore. Because my hands are the way they are, some things are easier to play, so I can just play them without thinking. But also, some things are more difficult to play, however finding ways to play them and overcome the difficulty gives me a sense of accomplishment. So when I have the common thought that my hands are too large and shaped all wrong and ugly and inhuman and (etc), it comes into direct competition with the thought that my hands can reach a m10, and hmm how can I possibly play this chord in bar 16 of the Hammerklavier Sonata, and Dohnányi recommends this fingering for the chromatic scale and (etc). This doesn’t silence the first thought at all—it just keeps going, and sometimes intensifying—but these other thoughts are also going to keep going, all concentrating on the exact same thing (the shape of my hands), but without continually stressing the disconnect.

Idk if I’m explaining this well, but you have to fight dysphoria on its own turf—ie you can’t fight it by dismissing the importance of your body, and focusing on other things. But since dysphoria focuses on Form (so to speak) you can’t fight it in the same way, because it has a built-in advantage, which is the internal body map that your brain is predisposed to believe over external evidence. Ie you can’t fight it by being like “no, actually, my body is totally fine and that map is bullshit. look, i’m pointing at the breast that you say shouldn’t be there! it exists!! pay attention to it!!!” That’s also why medical transition, on its own, is usually not enough to get rid of dysphoria, because all you’ve done is make some changes to that Form (but never enough). In some cases, though, for dysphoria about certain things, you can fight Form with Being. Focus on the dysphoria-causing body parts, accept and exist with the disconnect, but make the primary focus be things you enjoy that you can do that require those body parts to exist in the configuration they’re in, and that don’t stress the importance of sexual difference. What kinds of things these are will vary from person to person, as well as between different extremes of dysphoria. (Note I’ve never heard of this working for genital dysphoria, though. For fairly obvious reasons.) I don’t mean Being in the sense of embodiment, but like, in the sense of…. energy, life force, something like that.

Ok I’m still not explaining this well lol. Hopefully some idea came across though?

[genderatheism]

This is a good point and an interesting perspective!  I didn’t mean to imply that you can get rid of dysphoria just by saying “well I have boobles and that’s just the way it is,” sorry if it came off that way.  I do think that’s part of learning to deal with it, but it’s not a cure.

I’m not sure what a good equivalent would be for me, regarding physical things that require my body to be the way it currently is.  The only thing that springs to mind is pregnancy/childbirth but that’s something I hope I never have to go through.

[root-of-an-unfocus-blog]

sorry, i didn’t mean to contradict you at all!! agreeing with you! just trying to add something to a good point you made… i’m sorry if it came across as hostile or like, mansplainy or anything like that :| 

I feel like you’ve got to use different coping strategies for primary sex dysphoria because literally everything involved with primary sex characteristics is going to stress sexual differences, like, that’s unavoidable. “Physical activity” as a strategy is something that only seems to work for secondary sex dysphoria—like for some other examples, with dysphoria over one’s chest it can be helpful to get into things like weight lifting and strength training, or with dysphoria over one’s voice it can be helpful to get into things like singing or acting. That kind of thing; where you’re doing something that is unrelated to the sex differences, but is dependent in subtler ways on how your body is set up.

I’ll try to think of more anti dysphoria strategies though including some things that can address primary sex dysphoria?? I haven’t yet figured out anything myself on that front though so :$

[guideonragingstars]

My detransition correlated directly with my capacity for self-deception and my ability to trust my own mind. As I lost the ability to lie to myself, and gained autonomy from those who sought to change my beliefs about myself, I became more aware of the ways transition harmed me, of the fact that it was not the thing that “saved my life” as I had previously thought, but rather a coping mechanism that prevented me from actually changing my life for the better. 

[radfemuserboxes]

[e-cryptid-deactivated20180601]

AUGUST 2009 G-A-I, G-A-N, G-A-U­— no, too far. G-A-R. Garden. There it is. Annie On My Mind. My heart pounded as I took it off the shelf. I grabbed a stack of other books, random titles, a stick th…

A short, simplified piece on my transition.

[hot-flanks]

Dear Butch womyn, GNC womyn, detransitioned womyn, and any female struggling to accept herself and thrive in this hostile world:

You are beautiful. You are loved. You are perfect. You are feminine by nature of your female reality, and need not embellish nor shrink in order to be so. I see you. I feel you in my heart. I hope some day to meet your gaze and in that instant we will both know that there is strength and solidarity in the way we exist and take up space. I want us to hold each other sacred and dear, because there is nothing more powerful than the sisterhood we all share.

My sisters, I love you.

[chrabowski-deactivated20160830]

Things that may mimic Gender Dysphoria...

I have been working on this post for several weeks now. I have done some researching and talked to other individuals about other conditions. I have also read some personal detransition stories both here on Tumblr and throughout the internet. Here are some conditions that may mimic or be mistaken as Gender Dysphoria or formerly Gender Identity Disorder….

Autogynephillia/Autoandrophillia: A condition where a man or woman is sexually aroused by the thought of being the opposite sex. In the beginning, it may appear as if the person may have Gender Dysphoria, but often as the sessions go on and their history is discussed, the differentials between the two appear. It is not unlikely or uncommon for a person with this condition to lie about having gender dysphoria in attempt to gain access to hormones. I actually have talked to a therapist with a patient very similar to the example stated below.  

Example: A man may only want to go on estrogen to obtain breasts. The thought of him having breasts may give him sexual arousal. But he has little to no interest in SRS/GRS in general and often knows very little about the power of estrogen or results. The thought of having his penis removed often disturbs or disgusts him. However, the thought of having both breasts and a penis may give him sexual pleasure.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder: A condition that causes a person to believe that they have multiple flaws to their body. Often times, they may perceive a flaw to be something like their chin, their eye brows, their nose, their lips, etc. These flaws may include physical sex characteristics. This condition may be hard to differentiate between Gender Dysphoria in the beginning if the dysmorphia is regarding their physical sex characteristics.

Example: A man or woman may become so obsessed with their flaws that they may search for surgery. When surgery is performed, more than likely the person either is not satisfied with the surgery results or may find another flaw to obsess about wanting for more surgery. Surgery or hormones cannot treat those with Body Dysmorphic Disorder and usually makes the condition worse.

Disassociative Disorders: The disruption or breakdown of memory, awareness, identity or perception. Disassociation is used as a coping mechanism to disconnect from traumatic situations or stressful situations. The symptoms can cause disruptions between work, school and just daily life.

Example: Those with disassociative disorders usually have 2 or more personality states. Each of whom make take over the person’s behavior at some point. Each of them have distinct traits, personality history or a way of thinking. These alters may even be those of different genders, have their own names and quirks, and different mannerisms.

Transvestitism: The practice of dressing or even mimicking the opposite sex for psychological and or sexual gratification.

Example: A person may dress in the opposite sex’s clothing and even attempt to take on a different gender role.They may even WANT or DESIRE hormones to complete their fantasy. However, the thought of having SRS/GRS of any kind is usually not desired or completely repulses them all together. This condition usually can go hand in hand with autogynephillia/autoandrophillia if the cross dressing is for sexual gratification purposes as well. 

Internalized sexism: The thought process that one gender may have it easier, better, or simpler than the other. A woman who may suffer from internalized sexism may be convinced that being a man is easier, better, or less troublesome than being a woman. 

Example: A woman may seek transition because they are tired of being treated like a “woman”. They often talk about the struggles that women go through and how men have the upper hand. The thought process is often “If I were a man, my life would be easier, better, etc. I would be stronger, wouldn’t have to shave, I could wear a suit, etc.” Often times, when one transitions, the person in question realizes or comes to the realization that being a man is not easier, better, or simpler thus resulting in detransition. They may even reject being called a woman as a result as well. 

Confusing Gender Roles w/ Gender and Sex: A person may become uncomfortable with the gender roles they feel they are assigned to by societal expectations. A woman may not like that she is expected to do things that are typical of her gender and instead of rebelling against the notion and telling people she can still be a woman without having to fit gender roles, she may adopt a new persona.

Example: A woman or man may seek transition because they do not like how they are treated in society and how they and what they can and can not do in their culture. This includes how they may dress, act or behave a certain way. This may cause a woman or man to seek transition. They often associate being male or female in regards to masculinity or femininity. 

 Internalized homophobia: It is not uncommon for a man or woman to want to transition because they dislike or have an intense hatred of homosexuality. Often times, when discussed about homosexuality, they speak usually negatively about it or are disgusted by it entirely. 

Example: A man or woman may want to transition because the thought of being engaged in a homosexual relationship turns them off completely. The reason they seek transition is not because they are suffering from gender dysphoria, but the thought of them being engaged with the same sex turns them off completely. 

Summary: There are people who go on about gate keeping and hoops to get the necessary treatment needed for their dysphoria. However, that being said, with so many conditions potentially mimicking gender dysphoria, I can see why therapist want multiple sessions before being diagnosed with GD because their are so many conditions and issues out there that you could be suffering from as well. This is not to say that these conditions and issues cannot co-exist with GD, but a lot of times, especially teenagers, are very quick to self diagnose. That being said, there are also tons of therapists who will write out a prescription for HRT at the drop of the hat without doing any real evaluation whatsoever. An uncaring therapist can be just as bad and can set you up for failure the moment you walk out the door. If the therapist I had talked to had allowed for that individual to start hormones, he would’ve been a walking talking poster for the anti-transsexual individuals once he had de-transitioned.

Conclusion: Before self-diagnosing yourself with Gender Dysphoria, please assess your situation and contact a therapist who specializes in treating transsexual individuals. Granted, gender dysphoria can come in different ways and forms. Each and every individual experiences gender dysphoria differently. However, gender dysphoria can also be mimicked by other conditions and masked by other issues.

With all the influx of individuals coming out as “trans”, it’s important to see if these people are really suffering from gender dysphoria in some way, shape or form, or if they are suffering from another condition or they are dealing with what the outside world expects of them for their gender.

If you would like to add anything to this list or correct some of the examples I have listed, please feel free to do so. Especially if you have one of these conditions personally or have ALMOST transitioned before figuring out your real problem/diagnosis. I’d like to hear open up a dialogue about this. Please keep in mind, I am not a licensed doctor or trained physician.The conditions listed come from multiple medical sources and from personal experiences.

Reblog, like, whatever have you.

[guideonragingstars]

NOT EVERY DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER IS DID. but otherwise this is a great post.

[crashchaoscats-deactivated20200]

Detransitioned, dysphoric and reconciling women, reblog and tag which criteria for gender dysphoria, as defined in DSM-V, you fit or fit in the past. Also if note if you actually were diagnosed with gender dysphoria or gender identity disorder by a therapist.

Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents and Adults

A. A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, of at least 6 months’ duration, as manifested by at least two of the following:

1. A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).

2. A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics be­cause of a marked incongruence with one’s experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).

3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender.

4. A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).

5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender dif­ferent from one’s assigned gender).

6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gen­der (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).

B. The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.

[twentythreetimes-deactivated201]

I used to fit all of the criteria, and these symptoms spanned years. I was formally diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder, since that was before the DSM-5.

 …and if “expressed gender” means something like wearing men’s clothes and shoes and not always smiling to these fucks, then lol I’ve still got that one. (A1). I would also still prefer to be treated as male in many circumstances since that means being treated as an actual human. I still pass as male regularly and I don’t always mind (A5). I also feel alienated from other women and feel like I experience the world differently than many of them do sometimes (A6). And my current circumstances often still cause distress out in the world for me (B).

[e-sadg]

When I was transitioning I thought of different genders as these soft, nebulous concepts that you couldn’t quite define, you just sort of FELT and, I thought, because I couldn’t quite define them, wasn’t actively using my language to build walls to box people in, that that wasn’t sexist. But the thing was that those nebulous concepts didn’t come from nowhere. The way I FELT about the concept of womynhood vs. manhood vs. anything else was still a product of all of the toxic messages I’d been given about men and womyn.

Elimination of misogyny necessitates elimination of these concepts and of these feelings altogether: of gender.

[littlesoy-deactivated20190519]

Oh hey btw binding, taking t, growing out ur body hair, etc is not trans men exclusive. Butch lesbians have been doing this for decades. Butch lesbians can have gender dysphoria without being men.

[infirmal-deactivated20180412]

The whole thing people don’t get with dysphoria is that you’re not supposed to create reality around it. And you’re really not supposed to ask those around you to change their reality because it doesn’t fit yours. There’s nothing crazy about that, it’s just logical.

[infirmal-deactivated20180412]

And if you believe this isn’t applicable to you, but dysphoria is relevant to your identity, then you’re walking a very unethical path. Those around you should support you through your dysphoria, but asking people to reshape their own ‘identities’ to make you fit more comfortably into the world is not only wrong, but delusional.

And that’s the thing people don’t want to talk about when it comes to dysphoria, it is a delusion. No matter how much clear evidence is provided, people advocate for ignoring delusion for the comfort of the person with a delusional disorder.

Instead, how about we just respect dysphoric people and support them in their recovery or transition. But along with supporting them, we shouldn’t coerce people into feeling compelled to alter their bodies when there is nothing wrong with them.

[rageclit-deactivated20181208]

One of the most concerning things about the “tumblr neurodivergent positivity community” is their insistence that it is transphobic to say that a person’s gender identity is “invalidated” by their cognitive disability or mental illness.

There are a lot of mental health conditions that cause sufferers to have significant trouble understanding their identity. There are a lot of conditions that affect a person’s ability to smoothly perform their assigned sex role (especially if that sex role is female). Psychological trauma can affect a person’s ability to exist comfortably in the body they have. This absolutely should be taken into account when considering making permanent, life-changing decisions like changing your legal status, and undergoing irreversible medical treatments.

Should this reach members of the community, which I kind of hope it does because I think this is something a lot of people need to think about, I am not saying that everyone needs to conform to their assigned sex role regardless of how that makes them feel. I am saying that you should feel free to dress and act in a way that makes you comfortable, but it’s not healthy to ignore the impact that pre-existing issues with your identity and body will have on your perception of those things, particularly when making serious life decisions.

[destroyyourbinder]

I think what is really important to note is that when we say something like this– that gender identity can be affected by disability, developmental conditions, mental illness, and other neuro/cognitive/psychological conditions or differences– we are not trying to “invalidate” the very real pain (whether caused by dysphoria, discrimination, or otherwise) that drives many trans people to adopt a gender identity or to eventually transition. We are also not calling trans people intrinsically “crazy” or worthy of dismissal. We are not saying that gender non-conformity or rejecting your sex role is a form of pathology. When I was trans identified I took any insinuation that my gender identity was caused by mental illness, trauma, or neurodivergence as a great personal offense. It is a pervasive narrative that trans people are merely “delusional”, that being trans is caused by some sort of personal defect, and that trans-ness or any sort of proximity to being trans is a disgusting and reprehensible sort of deviance from “normal”. I have seen these narratives pop up everywhere from Jerry Springer to so-called “gender critical” resources, and I do still find them completely unhelpful, uncompassionate, and actually, still fucking offensive. They misunderstand both the nature of mental illness and what drives (at least female people) to consider transition. I fixated most on questioning my gender and potentially transitioning when I was near-completely socially isolated, trapped in an abusive home, unemployed with no income, and spending most of my time asleep or drugged in a dirty bed. I could barely meet my most basic needs, was emotionally terrorized and functionally in captivity, and had no ability for anything resembling self-actualization. This isn’t a coincidence, and the first thing I noticed upon talking to other women within the detransition/reconciling community is that I was very distinctly not alone in this experience, sometimes down to specific details of my experiences with abuse or mental illness. If you read between the lines in FTM (or other AFAB trans) communities you will notice the same dynamics in play, just covertly, as recognizing the reality of what happens or has happened to us jeopardizes our ability to rely on trans identification or transition as a coping mechanism. There is an extreme investment in trans community, as well as among the healthcare providers who provide transition-related medical resources, in believing that transition is either undertaken completely of one’s free will, or if it is forced, it is a decision made solely due to an unchangeable, intrinsic part of one’s makeup (a cross-sex “soul”, or more modernly, a cross-sex brain). There are a whole host of reasons why trans people believe this, but one reason I have not seen ever explored is what function it has for the medical system to be invested in this belief. Healthcare providers are invested in believing this because it essentially absolves them of responsibility for harm to very vulnerable people and justifies their homophobic and misogynist practices in a way that totally obfuscates the fact that they are committing medical abuse. In fact, this is the fundamental point of “gatekeeping”: transition gatekeeping is a ritual that manufactures the illusion of a consenting patient and a doctor that has their best interests in mind. Trans people buy into intrinsic gender identity (a thing not affected by life experience or mental illness/neurodivergence) because they have historically been coerced into believing that this was the explanation for what was “wrong with them” and why they were suffering. Once a person recognizes this “reason” (that they have an internal gender identity or at least a cross-sex brain) then it becomes a matter of mere logic to treat the suffering using transition; the trans person will now consent to medical treatment under the belief that it is best for them, and the doctors responsible for the treatment are satisfied that they not only did something permissible but that they did the right thing.  Actually recognizing that trans identification and desire to transition can be influenced by mental health issues or disability or neurodivergence, or life circumstances, or the violence LGB people and women are subjected to under a patriarchal society, would totally blow open this set of justifications. The medical establishment does not want to hear it because it would mean they would have to admit to massive, systematic abuse, particularly of lesbians and gay men. Most trans individuals don’t want to hear it because they would have to face the reality of their situation when they are using trans identification as a coping mechanism precisely because they are in a situation where their psychological or other survival depends on avoiding their pain.