E. D. Tierney

a writer is a dreamer sharing their mind with the world

[e-d-tierney]

I think the reason I'm so attached to fictional characters or celebrities is because if they ignore me, it makes total sense. I'm one of a million who admires them. The fact that they don't notice me or even care that I exist makes complete sense. So freely loving them to my heart's content without getting anything in return is just the way things go.

It's so much better than the reality of having people you truly, deeply care about - people who know you exist - choose to ignore you and your love and all that you do for them anyways. Because to ignore me when I'm so insignificant makes sense. But to be ignore when I stand right in front of them, that's a different kind of pain that I don't think everyone will truly understand.

[e-d-tierney]

Its been a long time since I've been able to feel. The years have hurt more and more and life has gotten exponentially more complicated and painful to endure. Time has not been kind and around every corner is another piece of loss.

I am tired. So tired of existing. I don't understand why people take away those who have such life in them, such a will to live. And instead I am left with myself, someone who doesn't even want to exist.

They tell you everything will get better with time. It hasn't. Not the pain, that I pull at and feel just as raw as the day it happened. Not the complexities of people, as confusing as ever.

I don't know how to carry on. The burden of the years to come weighs on me more than all the baggage of the past.

[e-d-tierney]

sometimes my emotions affect me so much, my heart starts to flutter, my arm gets tingly and my teeth start to ache. like the emotions are zipping through my veins and nerves and ready to burst out of me

[e-d-tierney]

too often, people express their emotions when its too late. If you care for someone, make their life your priority, not their memory

[e-d-tierney]

tribute to a little friend on our shoulders

You’re ending today. Plain and simple, today is the day everything comes to a close for you. My dad will miss you. He loves you so much. He always thought you’d stay by his side forever. Of course, we all knew that was just a fantasy. My sister loves you. She didn’t want to choose this, but she knew you’ve had a good life and the past while has been painful for you. The rest of us didn’t really know you well, but you always screeched at us a lot. You made sure we knew you were there. It will be different without you. People lose focus for a while. People become a bit grey. It’s ok though. We’ll get by. In your last moments, I’ll finally be able to touch you. You always hated when I tried to reach for you. Probably a good thing too, I’m not the best at handling small delicate things. You have had a long and peaceful life. You got to fly around the house, claim everything as your domain by shitting all over everything. But I don’t think anyone really cared much. You were such a tiny thing. Still are. And when you are gone, you’ll be pretty small too. But who knew something so small could make such a big hole in our lives? Death is never easy, but we know you’ll be ok. And we promise to be ok too. Because you always lead by example. You taught us to embrace freedom even when it meant going against what people imposed on us. You taught us to give our voices  chance to contribute, admittedly at quite the decibel. And you taught us that when it’s time to go, go away being happy and playful and everyone around you will be at peace. I’ll hold onto your lessons. Your things might be gone, it might almost seem as though you never happened. But that will never be possible because of how much you have contributed to your lives. confugiunt fortem, volantem liberum. Vale

[e-d-tierney]

Sometimes, I feel like I purposefully dampen my personality. I revert to a calm, reserved, withdrawn, and isolated person. Because it is safe. And no one will bother me if that is who I am. But sometimes, all I want, is to be able to someone that is strong. Someone who is truly strong, not just someone who pretends to be strong. I want to be someone who can be exactly who they are, without the fear of being rejected, hurt, or ridiculed. Sometimes I want to be someone who can love freely and let everyone in. But I don’t know how to do that. I need help to do that, and I don’t think there’s anywhere I can learn that. It might just be something I have to figure out myself. But some pointers would be nice.

[e-d-tierney]

I want to find someone I can drown in. I want them to make me feel everything and make the world seem better and more vibrant. I want someone that makes me feel like there’s possibility everywhere and I can do anything. 

But maybe that’s a little to much to ask of someone else. Maybe I should just try to do that myself first.

[e-d-tierney]

My second greatest fear is slowly forgetting who I am.

My first is knowing that its already begun.

[e-d-tierney]

I don’t like photos taken of me

because it’s what other people see

but its not really me

[e-d-tierney]

one: I fear I’m falling for you too fast. And I’m sure when I land, there will be nothing left of the person I was.

two: Good. You'll never be the person you were before. You're going to become so much more.

[e-d-tierney]

So fucked up even mental health chat lines won't talk to me.

[e-d-tierney]

“Story of my life, I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.”

- Sugar Kane Kowalczky, Some Like It Hot

[e-d-tierney]

My biggest mistake was thinking that people had the same heart as I do, and thinking that i would be as much apart of their heart as they were a part of mine. Some people just have less love to give than you can give them in return.

[e-d-tierney]

What makes a monster and what makes a man?

The Bells of Notre Dame, The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

[e-d-tierney]

Time changes nothing. It just puts more distance between you and the event so you can busy yourself with other things. What happened is not going to change and you’re still going to feel hurt. But with more time, you’ll learn to cope with it and feel better, it’s all up to the effort you put into it all

[e-d-tierney]

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

[e-d-tierney]

It only takes just a little seed to make the mighty redwood tree

We Can Do It, Aaron Edson