You know what makes me mad.
The fact that my parents can't ever seem to be there for me and never have been emotionally.
They never ask how I am and listen. It's always grazed over or meant with hard new boundaries.
But they don't ever not unload onto me.
Today, I was just thinking and had the realization that all this pent up anger I have comes back to where I came from.
A family that nobody showed up for me. Nobody supported me. Or cared enough to know that I was struggling, and still am. They don't want to hear my thoughts. They just want me to lean on. Me to complain to, or act excited for what's going on in their lives. Or how much they've grown or done lately.
They weren't ever the parents. They didnt know how. I always had to be and I have allowed them to keep treating me as such.
I've tried to learn boundaries, how to hold them. Yet I always feel shameful for speaking up or bad that they don't know who I am. Then I think about it and they should be sad that they don't know me. I should be proud of myself for raising myself up. For moving out and on. For trying to figure my life out without the proper example or even an idea of what parents are supposed to be.
Yet here I am still sad and enraged at the start they gave me. Mad that they haven't apologized for it all. That one of them is so oblivious to even speaking about an emotion. I don't even think they could comprehend it. They other is so lost in her own world. She's like a rollercoaster every time we talk. You don't know if she'll be happy and thriving, finally seeing progress in her body, or down in the dumps, tired, stressed and focused on her physical pain. She hyper focuses on one thing at a time in her life. Thinking everything she reads is "the truth".
Sometimes, all I crave is for somebody to listen. To not have a fix to my problems or an idea. But just to sit with me, in my feelings, and try to help me navigate them. It's so hard to open up and feel. I'm afraid if I dive in deep, I'll get lost in a black abyss of emotion.
Sometimes my mind screams that I'm here. That I can do better. That we'll get through this. But I mostly just push it down, go day by day feeling trapped in a cycle of sameness. Something predictable that I know won't end bad or wrong. But a deeper part of me wants to be challenged, to grow, to have change to make me do more. It's hard knowing your physical body isn't where you want it to be, how to talk about it. To be aware and feel it all when it overwhelms your sensations. It makes me feel like I'm exaggerating or wrong in my intutions or sensations. It takes over my mind, but I can never seem to put it in the right words for others to understand. Which leaves me alone again, but this time on multiple fronts.
