♦ A Lux life ♦

I want the world and everything in it.

[eatinginbed]

I think one of the hardest things to recognise when trying to recover from a prolonged episode of severe anxiety due to a trauma is that there's no quick fix.

Twice now I've felt like I'm doing okay and I'm getting myself back and then you watch something on TV, or the radio or an interview or just have a moment of reflection about something and there's this pocket of raw emotion that hasn't been tapped and you feel like you're back to square one in a sense. You're stronger, you're doing better but you're not fixed and not being fixed feels heartbreaking when you just want your life back.

I want a job, I want to go out. I want to be able to wear nice dresses and I want to not feel on the edge of all emotions all the time. I worry that I'm fundamentally a different person now. So much over the last year has been taken from me, and I don't just mean work and money and social life. I mean parts of me, my personality my soul has changed. I don't know how to process if just one test had come back positive I could be facing the end of my life, or gruelling treatment and I am grateful everyday that I got the test results I wanted but when you're in your 20s to face your mortality like this and having to be in limbo over it for 3 months just does things to your head, you have to talk to yourself and prepare yourself for a call to tell you it's cancer but you also can't live everyday worrying that you'll get that call. And I don't think I was an extremely emotional person before this, but now I just might cry at anything, I don't know how to regain the control over myself again. My therapist thought it was a good idea to write these thoughts down but quite like shouting it into the tumblr void where I can't accidentally read them one day unless I choose to. I worn accidentally take this into work one day with my inner most thoughts

[eatinginbed]

What changes.

What changes in your mind that things are okay.

How even with the counselling the ability to hopefully move forward, with the techniques with everything can I be okay again. Be me again.

Is this it am I just fundamentally a different person now. I've had a trauma, not a life altering trauma, I mean I had to live with the fact that maybe I had cancer for best part of 3 months. I had to live just not knowing, what was wrong, what had happened to me, hell I still don't know, I'm reading old communications between doctors still trying to work out information.

I just want my life back. I don't want this. I don't want to be so uncomfortable all the time. I am just so desperate to find my way back

[eatinginbed]

I'm not sure what's going on if I'm honest.

I started a new job last week and suddenly everything just hit me like a tonne of bricks out of nowhere. Even when people ask me right now what it is that's actually bothering me... I can't answer because I don't know.

Waiting for and having my operation was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. As an anxiety sufferer it just feels like your body is fighting you at every turn.. Surgery is scary anyway but it felt like my body was turning on me too. I cried so much before and was so scared but I knew the hard bit I'd never see... I'd be unconscious and someone else would sort it out. I keep getting vivid memories of myself at the worst moments of it. The faces of the people as I walked into the theatre, my iodine stained orange body after, sitting in the waiting room as the surgical team came in and said what surgery they were there for... It was mine, they didn't know me but they'd just walked past the person they'd be operating on in 3 hours. The feeling of helplessness just didn't leave me for such a long time. And not being in control.

Somehow the next few months were mentally harder, being dripped information here and there no clear answers, fear of cancer, and the unknown. No one could tell me what was happening and it didn't happen one day but slowly you just get worn down, it took 3 months post op to get the results to see if I'd grown thyroid cancer in an ovarian cyst. Even now I don't know how I didn't break down morex I'd cry after appointments and phone calls with hospitals but then I'd be normal again. You have the fear that this is time wasting and you'll be told you have cancer but months later it's too late. Or the fear there's this thing in your body destroying you. I have truly tried so hard to keep going and keep normal and keep looking after myself, but starting a new job last week everything just hit me... I feel like I'd put a wall up in my brain months ago and just not allowed anything in and I hadn't even began to process any of it. I was told I wasn't the person they'd met for the interview in August and I seemed emotional and not myself and not enthusiastic and it felt like the most personal attack on me. It took a few hours to sink in, but she was right.. I'm not who I was, everything just feels so miserable and so dark and so hopeless.

I got given the all clear and there was no cancer, I'm waiting to be discharged and to have a plan going forward and I know it's brilliant news, but it doesn't feel like it, if anything it's all got worse, I feel worse, my outlook is worse, my ability to handle anything has got worse, I left the job as I was being sick each morning and I couldn't wait to get out of there each day, the people were so nice and it was a great job but I couldn't do it, it overhwlemed me Immediately. I honestly just don't know how to drag myself out of this and plan the future and sociable and not feel on the verge of tears at everything. I know mindfulness and what I should do to help each day but this is more than that, I took a walk a couple days ago alone and I just felt panicked the entire time, I panic when faced with anything now. I just want my life back and I don't know how to get it. I don't know if it's normal to feel how I do after surgery with complications, I know I shouldnt but I can't help but be upset that I could have got very different results and I just wouldn't have known, I allowed 2 cysts to grow and grow for probably 10 years and they depleted me of nutrition and energy for years and I'm so angry that I've lost my 20s to feeling awful and tired and fatigued for so long.

I just want this to pass and feel like me again.

[eatinginbed]

It's me still. Carried on

Thanks tumblr.

I feel better after that.

[eatinginbed]

... It's still me ( carried on))

So I go into hospital expecting to hear I've got cancer. My mums with with me. Just waiting to hear this news..... They don't know what's wrong. They think it might be something but they're not sure and need another opinion, some of the tissue they have found is potentially thyroid cancer tissue in my ojvsrisn cyst. Very unusual... Fluid has also spilled out with thyroid tissue in.

Weeks go by still nothing, I'm spending this time panicing, I haven't 2 appointments cancelled because there is still nothing. I start to feel my motivation from recovery fading.. But my mental health is taking a serious hit. I have been in limbo now on if there's anything wrong with me and I'm getting no answers. I'm tired and no one is telling me anything, about my own body. Am I dying? Is there something wrong with me, is there not. Just am I okay?

I get called to another hospital where a very cold consultant who was meant to be calming my anxiety sits there in a room and spends 3/4 the appointment telling me the worst case scenario if I had thyroid cancer. She sits there and looks me in the eye.. As I clearly am terrified. She explains they would remove my thyroid. She tells me they would give me radiation and radiation pills. Most likely I just have had cancerous tissue and need regular testing. She told me I don't mean to sound patronising but we need to accept we might never have an answer. My samples are now in their third hospital. I have more blood taken. Work are trying to get me to commit to starting in January. I haven't seen anyone in months, I haven't been normal in months. I haven't felt okay in months.

I have an ultrasound. No tumours found but I have a not normal thyroid. Probably not related. That was last week . I've not heard anything back.

I don't know how to summarise how I've felt. But it's been the worst time of my life. I've never felt more lost, more alone more vulnerable, more scared. I've never cried so much. I've never relied on so many other people to just help me, help listen to me, help tell me I'm okay, help me just do each day. I've gone into 3 rooms now expecting to be told I have cancer, or something horrible wrong wtjh me. I've had tk face my own potential death so many times here. And it's not an absurd idea? I seriously was getting checked for cancer and I don't know how I got here. I still don't know what's wrong. I don't know if I'll ever know. There's this pit in my stomach that hasn't gone in weeks. I'm at a place where I just can't take anymore. I can't have anymore tests. I can't. I have pushed myself so much just to keep going in the hope that this will all be done and I can move on. I want to be normal again. I hate looking at my scar now, I know it's a sign of strength and all that but I hate it, I hate that I had 20cm combined of mass in me and I didn't even know my own body to know something was wrong. I hate the way I was looked at going into theatre. I hate that my dignity it just gone. I hate that all of these people touched my body and I don't know them. I hate that this isn't over. I hate when the phone calls from the hospital. I hate that I've been to hospital 11 times in 4 months. I hate that it's happened through covid, any other year and I'd have gone out and taken my mind off this, seen my boyfriend. Hugged my nan. Gone for cocktails. Seen my friends. I hate that so much is still unknown, I hate that I haven't even been able to find the words to sum up how I feel still? Even with three posts. I hate that I get flashbacks to the day of surgery, like the severity of what I've been through is only really hitting me now. I just feel so helpless. I'm doing my best everyday to not get upset. I can't even think positive anymore.. It's about not thinking negatively.. And just get through another day and hope for some good news. Do you m ow how hard it is to remain positive for this long, in all honesty I've had to stay positive since March and I'm doing my best I am but everytime I get back up it just knocks me back down. I have hope. I'm hopeful for better times again. They will come

[eatinginbed]

Hey.. It's me (carried on)

I had to let my new job know what had happened, at this point I didn't know if surgery would be immediately or weeks or months time.. They were great and they pushed back my start date.

I get called in for an mri to look at the cysts. Several doctors had mentioned cancer at this point and we needed to rule that out. I'd been okay with the mri until I got there. And the doctor told me to not try and crawl out of the machine I'd I got freaked as ill hurt myself.. That'll do it. They put my headphones on and Adele starts singing someone like you. I ask him for only cheery songs.. That machine does something to you.. You feel a bit like you're tied down and about to be swallowed. You only can focus on the small gap you're in, how close your head is to the top and that you can't get yourself out. My mind then goes to oh shit... What if they find something.. What if this is it for me? I haven't been to Iceland. I haven't got a career I'm proud of, I haven't done anything? What if that's my one chance at life over? I promised myself if I'm fine.. Then it's going to change and Im going to live my life so good. I feel a little shaken up after that, I was very dizzy from the machine and just emotional.

We meet my surgeon and gynecologist and a trainee who examines me again. Tells me I'll need open surgery with a 6-8 week recovery, I might lose my ovaries.. And they're worried as some of my ovarian cancer markers are high and they won't be happy until the cysts are out. Of course I come away in tears again.

With covid this is all difficult, you don't see a smile, you don't see a face, you don't get that warmth you need. We have pre op, we have covid tests all this time i don't get to see my friends or my boyfriend. I don't get a break from this taking over my entire life, my stomach is enlarged and uncomfortable and I'm scared that I'll have that pain again.

We get to surgery. I never thought I'd be able to even get in the car let alone into hospital. I thought if I ever needed surgery I'd be unconscious or dragged in screaming. I did it. I was terrified. They gave me good drugs. I walked myself into theatre, all I remember is a bright big room. Everyone in there just turning to look at me.. No faces because of masks. I leave my slippers somewhere.. I don't remember much but I was really worried about them. Some women lean over me and talk to me and they put the cannula in my hand... I didn't count.. I was gone. I wake up and I'm so thirsty. There's a big window and I thought I was in Africa? I got given more drugs and wheeled back to see my mum. My surgeon had told me with laparotomy I can expect to stay in 1-2 nights. I'd also been told I might have a pipe in my stomach for drugs. I did not want that. Nurses came and told me I could go home that day if I could wee. Turns out no that wasn't very easy... I had lots of morphine. I had a catheter. I had no dignity. People waited around the bathroom to see if I could wee. I walked the halls in a gown to get my body walking. I couldn't walk. I could wee... I had to go to a ward until I could. Eventually I did and a nurse came to check. People screaming and wailing, I was so pleased to go home. Every bump in the road hurt. I couldn't get out the car. I couldn't walk. I couldn't go upstairs. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't dress myself. I couldn't go to the toilet. I felt so broken and useless. It was harder that I thought. I couldn't even look at the incision when it was changed. My body didn't feel like mine. It still doesn't. I tried to walk I couldn't even go 50 metres without sobbing in pain. Weeks went by and I got stronger and pushed myself, I cried a lot, at night you can't sleep, gas builds up and its so painful i would just cry and have to drink mint tea at 3am, i couldn't do anything.

Im still waiting for any word from the hospital at this point. And I receive a call 3 weeks post op. Please can you comein tomorrow and bring someone with you. You immediately assume the worst. I've got it. Somethings really wrong. I just cry and panic.

[eatinginbed]

Hey? It's me? Long time no speak.

So I thought about tumblr the other day. I haven't posted in years, I haven't felt the need to? My life had felt manageable, on the up, I was in control of my own destiny, I got new jobs, I branched out. I made friends, I pushed myself, I felt like someone that I hadn't been for a long time, I was really good at my jobx I found a passion I was good at. Customers in my town knew me? They knew I was good.

I took a wildcard job early 2020...in UK travel.. No its not my dream job but the experience and the money was great and it was a break into something new. A day into that job I was asked if I'd cut my hours to keep my job... 2 days into that job I was working from home a week into that job I'd been let go due to covid. That hit me like a tonne of bricks.. I'd never lost a job before? That's not meant to happen to hard working polite, ambitious people? I just was suddenly flailing.

I wanted to start on my own baking, but in all honesty I moved too quickly out of panic, I didn't have the resources to do that and it's not what I wanted to do? My former boss offered me furlough and saved me, but the panic set in.. How long would this last, I need to try and find another job... And in August I managed to, after applying to everything I found a job.. Yet again not perfect but it was employment.

Now this, this is the reason I needed to tumblr because I can't put these words out there anywhere else. My friends might read this and I don't mind they know the shit I've been through but I just can't put how I truly feel onto my Instagram where I usually express myself. I just need to get this all out there into the world, somehow.

August 17th. I woke up a little uncomfortable, but nothing unusual, I got up and went downstairs and the pain continued, I assumed it was a chocolate sundae the night before. I had a hot bath and I was immediately sick. I coukldnt walk, I sat in a towel on my bed and I couldn't change. The pain I felt that day will stay with me for the rest of my life when I think about it now I feel ill. I thought I was dying, I couldn't move, I was sick 5 times with the pain i couldn't find any relief my family didn't belive me that it was as bad as I looked and it would go with a bit of walking about. It didn't. We rang the hospital believing it was my appendix, I cried thinking about walking to the car.. I used everything I had to get to the car, I couldn't keep my eyes open I felt like I was swaying being conscious and not. I got to hospital in covid.. Wearing a mask and unable to walk. They let my mum wait with me but I was taking though alone and quizzed on weather I was on drugs. I was not. I was told to put on a gown and go for a wee and then I could have more drugs... I was sick again. I couldn't sit down I got to the toilet.. So no more drugs... I just let there with unshaven legs in a gown with a man looking at me while I writhed in pain begging for someone to just help me, begging under my breath for help will stay with me, a nice nurse turned up who gave me a blanket. Morphine and was kind. I was sent home with no answers. The morphine allowed me to sleep. I wasn't examined at all.

Next day I return to my gp who says I must have been high on morphine and they must have examined me felt my stomach and told me there was an obvious mass and I went back to hospital. There a beautiful young doctor felt my enlarged stomach and got a surgeon in... They knew it was ovarian cysts and scheduled me in for an ultrasound the next morning I had to beg not to be kept in.

The next day I get my ultrasound where they discover I have 2 very large ovarian cysts one dermoid and one not. I then had to have an examination of that area by a man with a very thick Greek accent and a mask. While I was freaking out, this was my first experience with a male gynae and it along with the rest of my treatment felt a little violating and traumatic. I was told then I'd need surgery. I point out here I have anxiety and I've realised situations out of my control triggers that. I just sat there and cried waiting to be allowed to leave

[petalier]

@WeHeartIt /entry/136259319

[helltitty]

I passed out drunk as fuck last night, woke up, unlocked my phone and saw that this is what I was looking at

[helltitty]

Ohhhhh my god my search history is even better

[yourbigsisnissi]

Destroy the idea that you have to be constantly working or grinding in order to be successful. Embrace the concept that rest, recovery, and reflection are essential parts of the progress towards a successful and ultimately happy life.

[theforce]

working in retail

me: hey

customer: i wish you would just fucking DIE 

me: okay let me know if you have any questions ! 

[wnq-writers]

“Most everyone is carrying something heavy around. If you can, help them put it down.”

— Bruce Adler (via wnq-writers)

[sandandglass]

[tkkatherineblog]

[eatinginbed]

So, here it is. FINALLY. Next week is the last week of my current job, and finishing this penultimate week has been mixed, its so nice to hear all the kind words from colleagues, people sad i’m leaving and I really think come next Friday despite all my complaints and issues with this job and the fact i’ve been stuck there as long as I have its going to be so hard, I’ve made some wonderful friends, made some great memories, and learnt so much about myself, i’ve grown in confidence, and had the ups and down of working with the public. I’m going to be so emotional leaving such a truly lovely bunch of people. 

BUT

its been nearly 7 years of unsteady work, unsatisfying work, lack of support and i do have to keep reminding myself that these rose tinted glasses of my worklife do not represent my true feelings, I’m scared to branch out, but im excited, im so so excited to live and just discover a new life, meet new people and push myself and just hopefully be happy? next week will be bittersweet but I just have to think of the future and enjoy this leap of faith. 

[porterr-robinson]

[avvocarlo]

video of the year 

[tamascotchi-deactivated20190101]

keep the rave alive da

[ex0skeletal]

Pro Tip: Instead of having feelings, try being dead inside. Everything is still horrible but you will not care at all.