Waves of the Shore

Shinji isn’t at the point yet where he can properly understand exactly what she means. Kaworu has had a very long time——billions of years——to cement her knowledge on this sort of thing, and so a Lilin boy of barely fourteen years old does not have the ability to understand the way a very old Angel like Kaworu can. He is starting to see, though, the possessive qualities of Tabris, the anger and pain that the Angel displays by doing things like spearing him with the Lance of Longinus. Which hurts, by the way. Damn, does it hurt. He flinches as Kaworu goes on, and the motion just makes it hurt even more.

“…a-at least you love me, Kaworu-kun. I don’t think I could stand it if I never got to tell you anything.” He holds one hand on her shoulder to steady himself, because this whole process is hurting like a bitch. “Sorry for moving, I…I’m trying not to, you know——…”

"I know you are. Believe me, I do."

If she were not busy in this moment, she would be singing him a lullaby and placing him on her lap. The Third Child does not know it, but she wishes to hold him more than words can describe it. She snuggles to the hand in her shoulder and kisses it gently. If one were to see her, she would be seen as a cat giving affection.

Like the one that Kaworu killed in mercy so many loops ago. Now, she knows better but back then, she remembers how it had been the easiest way to take the cat out from future misery since no one would take it than leave it abandoned. To one who knows no mother, for Kaworu it had been relatively easy to snap that neck.

"I love you, Shinji-kun. No matter which form I am reborn into, you are always worthy of love, remember it."

”…but I thought they were one and the same.”

It’s true that he always thought that Tabris, Adam, and Kaworu were in effect the same being. Kaworu’s human body is not a ‘vessel’, really, it wasn’t ever a person, there’s no fighting in their mind and there is not even a ‘they’ for Kaworu to be fighting against. It is the same way with Adam; they are not different people, merely different manifestations of the same soul. Which is why when he spends time with beings who call themselves ‘Tabris’ he treats them the same as he would treat Kaworu.

He stands still, shaking slightly from the cold beginning in his fingertips as an effect of the Lance, as Kaworu begins to work at the weapon embedded in him. “…th-thank you, Kaworu-kun…I’m sorry I’m always so much trouble…but I really do love you, for taking care of me…”

"We are not yet we are."

It is the undeniable truth. Adam is the primal instinct yet the presence is berely there because of how the soul does not belong correctly with the human vessel. It does not matter that the vessel is made of the same substance as the Angels, it will never feel correctly, which explains also the lack of pigment.

Tabris is the original, the one that always stays no matter how many times. But Tabris is also cruel, elegant and grotesque because of the lack of morals and views that the Lilin have. The love of Tabris towards Ikari Shinji is pure, bold and possesive and merely healthy. Then, again, nothing can be considered like that.

Kaworu Nagisa is, in the end, a concept to think as a Lilin. A lie, an existence that is not meant to exist, that is what the Fifth Child is. Nothing more and nothing less. But it is an identity that most alternates had assumed because of the love and appreciation towards the Lilin culture. Explain that to Shinji, perhaps won't be the wisest decision so Kaworu continues her labor.

"This is showing my grattitude, Shinji-kun. You are not trouble, at all. Believe that. Stay still for a while longer, this will hurt more if you move more."

“I don’t know.” He sits there as her probing fingers search around the open wound. It should hurt, but it doesn’t really, not the way it should. He sighs heavily and looks up into her eyes. “Kaworu…” he says quietly, for a second, just to say her name. Then, “Thank you. Uhm. I don’t know which alternate it was, they just showed up and threw this at me. I guess not all Kaworu-kuns like me as much as I thought.”

The way he says her name in that soft, gentle way makes her feel full of warmth inside. A smile is given as she listens to his words and concerns.

"Shinji-kun, listen because you must understand it."

Her touch is gentle as possible as it can be, considering that the wound is front of her is caused by the only weapon that can paralyse the Seeds of Life entirely. If it were up to her, she would find that alternate that made this to the Third Child but she does not wish to bring any destruction towards the alternates.

"There is a difference between the ones that call themselves 'Kaworu Nagisa' than the ones that use 'Tabris'. The first one loves you, the other one... he will perhaps loathe your existence or be indifferent to it, it differs. But that is mostly it."

"Hm~ It seems God is playing with the puppets that he is given. May I ask why the state of the doll, Shinji-kun?"

“Kaworu-kun, do you see this large Lance of Longinus shoved right through me or not.”

#thenineteenthangel #she is so nonchalant #why Kaworu why

"Well, Shinji-kun, you could have asked for help. Which one of my alternates did this? There is no need to put us all into one category. Here, let me help you."

nagisa-kaworu

Sorry for the problems Bardiel is causing you. It seems that our little talk is bringing her childish side.

No need to apologize. If it gives me reason to speak to another Angel, then it is something of which I am glad.

I take it you are the female that one has spoken of? Child, sister, or other self of mine?

nagisa-kaworu

"Well met then, alternate self of mine. Do you still bear the same name then?" The question is left vague. In the end, there are many different names that could be meant.

"A teasing of siblings. I must admit some envy to such a pleasant dialogue."

#nagisa kaworu #sorry for late response!

“Yes, the name I have been given is one I shared with our other alternates.”

Tabris. Nagisa Kaworu. Those are the names that are always repeated in this maze of repetitions, and as vague her answer has been, there is that this alternate will understand what she meant to say.

“It is more like Bardiel came to myself and began what can be referred a heating discussion. Yet, I saw it as a safe teasing that wouldn’t give any consequences.”

“Of course I am!” How could he not be okay with Kaworu being by his side? Even in the last moments of his human life, he’d seen her coming from Lilith in her male vessel, his hands reaching out for Shinji, and he’d been perfectly fine with whatever happened as long as it was Kaworu who was the one holding him and not Lilith. Which should probably say something about where his allegiances lie, but that’s for another day. “If you could stay by my side forever, Kaworu-kun…it would be my greatest wish.”

Yet for that wish to happen, it would be violating the constant repetition of this cycle of redo.

No matter what happened, it seemed that the existence of Kaworu Nagisa would always be the last string to break Ikari Shinji that was a knowledge that couldn’t be thrown away. Still holding the boy with the delicacy he deserved for the heart of glass he had, the angel passed one of her hands on his hair and smiled kindly to him. If he wished for her to be next to him, she would protect and carry the wish of the one who directed Instrumentality.

“Should I sing you another lullaby, Shinji-kun? You who have had passed such heavy burdens in your existence, are you sure you are alright with me being by your side? Will that be enough for yourself?”

lazarusknowsthetruth-deactivate

kobekai

toonami

Time to punch Tuesday right in the face.

You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.

C. S. Lewis (via d-a-r-k-symphony)

#musings

Time to change the theme here! I'll do my replies here soon but I must feel the muse, but if anyone wants to do a thread, like this post!

#outofwings

reshinji-deactivated20141130

Shinji wails.

"NO DON’T! SHE’LL HATE ME!"

reshinji-deactivated20141130

"Ikari Shinji-kun, I do not believe she will hate you. But I do believe she will want an explanation of why you would not respect others, this is your own doing and you must accept that. That is how everything is."

#reshinji

"I didn’t deny nothing! But I didn’t mean for them to hear that either! Please don’t tell her!"

zoruargh-moved-deactivated20160

"I am afraid that not telling her is not an option, Ikari Shinji-kun. Do not make this harder for yourself, this is a lesson to learn about other's state of privacy and respect. Now, excuse me, I must tell my friend."

#reshinji

reshinji-deactivated20141130

Bu-but Nagisa-san, I wasn’t bothering anyone, I swear! They came to me!