Mother to Many @eclectic-alpaca - Tumblr Blog

Some photos of the kids over the past year.

It's been over two years.

2023...I dated a guy who i really thought was the one. I let the entire relationship go at his own pace. He broke up with me after gaslighting the shit outta me...he left me for his ex who didn't even want him.

Attempted relationships and dating. Nothing good to report.

The kids all got bigger.

Oldest bio boy ended up staying with his Dad until January 2024. He got into drinking, weed and a bunch of other bullshit drama while at his Dad's.

2024 started off with oldest bio boy getting into a physical fight with his Dad. The fight was instigated and started by the ex. Son fought back and set the ex to the hospital with bumps and bruises. The ex then tried to get kiddo charged with felony assault and he was only 17. Got it down to 1 year non-reportivie probation. Kiddo lived with me and brought his girlfriend with him. The crashed on and trashed my couch. He did the whole graduation walk but didn't graduate. He was way too many credit short. He attempted summer school and got some done but not enough. He restarted his se for year in the fall of 2024. He turned 18 in July. In September 2024 he was being as ass and I told him to gtf out my house if he was going to continue to talk to me that way. He moved in with his girlfriend at her parents house. The stress level in the house went down a bit.

2nd oldest bio boy had two different visits to the psychward in 2024. One earlier in the year and one in the fall. Both because of a girl...the same girl. They are absolutely toxic for each other but kids don't listen.

3rd oldest bio-boy stole money from me in April...again, after lots of other times. I had to change my debit card number twice.

March 18th 2024 2nd ex husband got fired from his job.

April 2024 1st ex filed a motion to try and not have to pay child support saying I had hidden income and owned a dog business. Then on the oldest son's bday, he filed to remove him from child support. We spent 10 months waiting for the ex to do his financials, and 2 days before trial, he vacated the motion. 10 months and 3k in lawyer bills...wasted with no resolution.

2025

I haven't been on a single dating app. I have given up.

It's almost been 1yr of 2nd ex husband being without a job. His mother pays his bills. Mpat of 2024 i was buying the kids food for his house, 100 every two weeks...but the kids go without his financial support. 12k behind. I sold my motorcycle to make house payments. I've taken out of my investments to make house payments and bills. I don't make enough to cover everything and have no time for a second job. I have told him I will move in with my sister if he doesn't get a job. All he has done is made me feel bad about wanting to move the kids away. I haven't moved yet. Trying to keep the kids in their schools at least until the end of the school year.

Also, I do not want to live with my sister. I love her. I really do. But I am afraid the kids will ruin her house like they've ruined mine and she'll want us out and I'll have nowhere to go.

I used to feel bad about bitching about my husband on tumblr...but here were are over 4 years post divorce and he has just gotten even more irresponsible and lazy. I didn't even know it could get that bad. I was wrong. It did. His mom needs to stop paying his bills so he is forced to get a damn job.

I work...my fucking ass off.

I have no social life.

I don't watch TV.

I don't have hobbies anymore.

I can't even keep up on house work because they fuck it up faster than I can clean it after working all day.

I have no help at home.

It's fucking lonely.

I have taken fun shit away, I have tried to reward good behavior, I've had fucking mental break downs...they don't care. Believe me when I say nothing is working to change the behavior.

I can't get them to care.

I'm the mean parent who doesn't do anything fun with them but they refuse to help me so we can do fun shit (not that we have money for it but whatever)

My house is not a home.

I lay in bed thinking about what I'd put in my will.

I've been up since 3am and it's 1130pm.

I want to die.

I don't want to exist anymore.

These kids don't respect me. They'd be better off with their Dads.

I work my life away, provide them with all they need and they give me shots about picking up after themselves or taking care not to wreck our house. They fight constantly.

I cannot do this.

I cannot do this alone and I don't want to do this anymore.

Of course I cannot just die. I can't.

And that's the part that fucks me up the most.

Spent my free weekend taking the motorcycle course. I passed and will have my M on my license!

Spice the kitty had kittens. I'm not happy about it but I knew it was going to happen. I wasn't planning on keeping her and she got knocked up before the cats got fixed. I will make sure all cats and kittens are fixed before finding their forever homes. Q has been skipping naps, refusing to keep his clothes and diaper on...he's been a real treat lately. Yesterday he had 3 baths because u didn't know what else to do with him and he was getting downright filthy. I colored Levi's girlfriend's hair today. I wish the pink was darker but it was the color she chose. It turned out nice and she loved it. Sage is...18 weeks old tomorrow. She is getting huge. I love it. I love her disposition so much, such a difference between it and my GSDs I'm used to.

I'm still struggling mentally. Trying to find my way through...

Home upgrades. Great Dane sized doggy door and a triple bunk bed for the boys.

Easter and whatnot.

Don't get me wrong....

I love my kids but I hate my life.

I hate it and honestly I am only existing because they need me.

Sage has doubled in size. She is a good girl and I. So glad she is mine. Bree had a litter of 8 pups, half German Shepherd and half Great Dane. They are 2 weeks old and their eyes are open. I bought a couch and a chair. Have to go pick them up this coming weekend.

These are seriously the aesthetic I want for Mt living room...

Life update:

I'm single.

Quarantine is over.

I have a puppy and she is the best puppy ever.

Night time is when I get the loneliest.

Yep.

All my k-5 kids have covid. The school just started not making the kids wear masks. 😒

Now I am going to lose another week's worth of pay. Luckily I have money in savings but still...it's super annoying.

I don't feel great either....they feel fine though. Which is nice for them 🤣

At 10 am I got a snapchat from the boyfriend(?) I will leave a question mark behind that because we are in a weird limbo. I thought we broke up. He wasn't sure. Anyway...

10am I get a snap of him complaining about work. I didn't hear anything else out of him until almost 730pm.

I replied and he has yet to open it and it is 1044pm.

This isn't going to work. We had an actual conversation this weekend. He doesn't want an open relationship, I do. Clearly I need more attention like he gave me in the beginning of our relationship, but then he stopped and now I am lucky if I hear from him at all.

Ugh this sucks. This SUCKS.

I don't want to give up because when he is around things are great. He rolls with my crazy ass life and it doesn't phase him...and omg the kids love him...I love him but I feel ignored during the week. Q just started saying his name too, he gets excited when he sees him and runs to him. This sucks. My heart is breaking and I know it's going to hurt him too.

I don't want to be treated like "out of sight out of mind" I want to feel important to him and I just don't feel like I am.

I am also afraid that I am making a big deal our of nothing and I might be throwing away something special over me being a needy bitch (my words not his).

Today, other than the 1st snap, he has texted me a whole 3 short sentences. Thats it.

Help. Am I being dramatic??

Life update:

Survived covid. Yay. Got a horrible stomach flu like a week later. I mean it was BAD. I had zero energy the day after but forced myself to go back to work.

Boyfriend and I have been in a weird place. We were intimate the weekend after Thanksgiving...and then nothing. For almost 2 months. I wasn't getting good night texts anymore. It made me feel abandoned. We still saw each other every weekend. I stop getting cuddles. I attempted several times to explain to him how I was feeling. He admitted his drive is really low. Okay, but it wasn't in the beginning? What changed? He said nothing has changed other than work has been stressing him out. I told him I'd like to talk about an open relationship. It was more than a month before he and I actually got to talk about it, he kept avoiding it. Unfortunately it was via text. Either way...he says he doesn't think he could do it because he has been cheated on in the past.

I feel like I am being punished for someone else's mistakes. I also feel like it would be a good option for us as we live apart, his libido is super low while mine is very high, our love languages are different. I need more affection, more attention...he and I are good when we are together and I do NOT want him our of my life. I don't want that to change...but omg I still want to be able to snuggle, cuddle, sleep with, hang out with and be affectionate with other men. I don't love him any less...my friends tell me to just break up with him but I don't want that. I also don't want to feel ignored or not wanted either. I dunno. Weird place. I don't like it.

Oldest kiddo hasn't been around. I took in a friend back on October and her two kids. Kiddo said there were too many people in the house.

Friend got her own place, which is good. Sad she'd still watch my kids and I'd watch hers. Nope. Last weekend she bailed on me. I feel used and I'm scrambling to find another sitter. She also isn't taking her daughter's kitten...so now I am going to have to be the asshole that tells her to figure it out or I'm gonna give it away. I don't want 4 cats. I only wanted 2.

We got a lot of snow the past few days. I've missed 2 days of work. I need to work tomorrow but I don't know where I'll be and if I can drive there. Also not sure if the new sitter will be available or not.

I'm trying to do my taxes because I need to file asap to get my money asap. I am so far behind on EVERYTHING. it's bad. Like bad bad.

I am on this horrible depression train and I want to throw everything in my house away. I hate it here. I do not enjoy my time at home.

Oh! My oldest bio boy spent a week in the hospital for threatening to kill himself. He is now staying with his Dad for a while. I hate that too.

I feel like I'm failing at everything all of the time. I am drowning and I cannot catch my breath anymore. No one seems to care or offer help. I only keep going because I have kids.

Yes I take meds. Yes I should probably find time (haha) to get back to therapy. I haven't been since I found out I was pregnant with Q and he is almost 2 years old now.

Anyway...here is my face.

Q has been fighting with a fever since Saturday. Dr says it's Adenovirus and we just need to let it run its course. Poor dude. I've kept a rotation of Tylenol and Motrin when it gets high. Today I literally couldn't do anything with him and he was so clingy.

Oh my Covid quarantine is over and I am not back up to 100%...more like 70ish % but I've already lost over a weeks worth of wages right before Christmas. I have to go back to work. Luckily this week is only 2 days left to work before the weekend holiday. Hopefully it'll be a gentle way back into getting me used to working 40+ hours a week again.

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