he/him pronouns ×× auDHD, trans, bipolar loser ×× anti government, anti fascist, anti terf, anti Zionist, anti asshole basically ×× Free Palestine, free Congo, free Sudan, free them all until liberation.
How clearly does the point need to be made that "police officer" is just a fucking job, one with minimal training and minimal monitoring. It is NOT some kind of promise of honesty, truth, or heroism. It is a bunch of assistant managers with extremely powerful weapons. IF you can understand "pedophiles choose to be priests and teachers so they can get to children", IF you understand "arsonists choose to be firefighters so they can be present at their own crimes" - then you can ALSO understand "people who are bigoted, violent, and power-hungry choose to be cops for the opportunities the job presents" and you can ALSO understand "any occupational culture that chooses fraternity over justice - and the allowance of violence in the name of a unified front - is therefore siding with their worst representatives"
by the way. the average time to train to be a police officer? 19 weeks. A little over 4 months. many states only require a high school diploma and no further education. there is often no requirement of any form of previous experience - no interning or observations. it took me 3 years of experience and a master's degree for me to get my job in writing. hell: in my state, it takes at least 6 months with a permit before people are allowed to drive a car.
being a police officer is an entry-level job, and we are handing them weapons. nothing about their occupation automatically makes them smarter, quicker, braver, or in any way elite. there is very little in their onboarding process that would allegedly "weed out" the worst of the applicants - and once they are part of the fraternity, they're not gonna leave.
we have been taught to respect, honor, and worship them by virtue of a job title they barely even had to try for. they sign no contract, swear no vow, and make no promise to the general public. it is a community that is extolled above others and given virtually no oversight. think about the kind of people who would be attracted to that opportunity. the adage: power corrupts. absolute power corrupts absolutely.
circling this back around to say FUCK ICE, and fuck you if you willingly support them just because they're "a federal agent" and therefore "deserve respect".
ICE officers are a fucking privatized militia they do not have authority over united states citizens and none of their so-called "purpose" requires live rounds and weapons. It is entirely made up of fascist racist dickbags with no fucking training. they are lower than scum. they're police-school dropouts with no fucking spine. there is no honor in their position. they accomplish nothing but terrorizing communities they don't even fucking live in.
Any!! occupation or government !! that chooses fraternity over justice - and the allowance of violence in the name of a unified front - is therefore siding with their worst representatives.
i’m so sorry if this is a bother/ stupid but. i love your writing for so so so long and a lot of what you’ve been writing about recently breaks my heart — firstly because im sorry you had to go through what sounds like such an awful relationship, especially when your words, and thereby, if you don’t mind my overstepping, your soul, is so beautiful.
i’m writing because i think one of my best friends is in a similar relationship to the one you’ve described in your poems. at best i don’t think she’s happy in the relationship. at worst i’m worried she might be being hit. i don’t know what to do. what would you have wanted a friend to do in your situation?
please don’t feel obligated to answer this, i just figured i’d ask xx
this is such a hard and careful question to have. it makes me sick to think that at some point, my friends were in the same situation.
the short answer is that you need to be there for them, to the best of your ability, possibly over a long period of time. possibly this might mean they act out in an unusually cruel way; or they might put a huge amount of distance between the two of you; or they might complain about their situation endlessly but never seem to "do" anything.
it is hard, because i cannot recommend you put yourself at risk. and i had friends who put themselves at risk for my benefit. i had them gently try to tell me, over and over - something isn't right here. these are friendships i'd had for many, many years - 5 or more - so most of my friends knew i was acting out of character. i don't know if it's fair to ask newer friends to do this same amount of risk-taking. i'm not a therapist and i don't know the situation you're in specifically.
but my advice is under the cut, to the best of my ability.
what i can say is that you cannot directly attack the partner. it takes a really specific situation to even say "i think you're being abused." as the person inside the relationship, we have been trained to constantly defend, deny, and prioritize our abusers. when someone "attacks" our partner, we feel attacked (due to the trauma bond). we feel like we can't tell you the truth, because it's something we can't handle. it is really, really thin ice. it is easy to feel judged because we often know we should leave, but we aren't able to do so.
because "just leave" is something we see all the time, and it's soul-crushing. i fucking wish i did, but while i was in it, the idea was unthinkable. i knew i needed to, but it felt like saying "i need to lift the ocean." how would i even start that?
you can gently suggest podcasts, audiobooks, and other resources; which i recommend doing as if you're just suggesting anything else. "oh have you read why does he do that? because we should have a book club, that thing was crazy." also, try to make excuses to see her as often as you can. getting space between her and her abuser is the most important thing. see if you can get her to start doing a hobby or sport with you, help her build up community and idenity.
be aware that your friend is likely having to defend her relationship to you. i had to fight tooth and nail to keep any of my friends; they were all "suspect". i'd often have to come home early while hanging out with my friends because my ex would fake an emergency. any event like a birthday party was heavily monitored. all friend-centered events were bookended with intense arguments; usually with unfounded accusations of cheating. i had to account for literally every person and moment at the event. if i even split a piece of cake with someone, i was under suspicion.
which is a long way of saying: if she's pulling away, she might still be trying her hardest and balancing having to protect herself and you. i did not want my ex to lash out at my friends. i did not want them having to deal with her anger and the way she treated people. i also knew that if my friends saw how she often spoke to me, they would never have allowed it. and i wasn't ready to leave.
i really need to stress that your friend isn't thinking clearly. consider it almost like an extreme form of sleep depravation: all her actions will come from a place of almost feral survival. we often think of gaslighting as being something visible from the outside, but i cannot stress enough that you cannot notice true gaslighting until it's too late. it isn't just something baldfaced like "oh the sky is green." it's the fact that if she had said "the sky is green", i was so well-trained by the end that i would have said "you know, that does look like green! :)" just to avoid the argument. and i'd justify it to myself because the sky can be green, and really "the sky is blue" isn't completely true, and some blues are kind of greenish?
so a fact that's like, obvious to you - like your friend is unhappy - isn't going to be present in her mind. in order to avoid the arguments, the punishments, the cycle - your friend cannot take things at face value. that is how gaslighting works. because it's not that we don't know when our partner is being evil, it's that we lie to ourselves about how evil they're being. because if we admit it; that is genuinely dangerous for us. that's why so many of us stay after being hit.
it was a relief when she hit me, honestly, because it was clarity. i had been trying to tell her for months that she got dangerously angry, and she basically said i was just too sensitive. i am 32 years old and i let a person hit me and stayed with her because of how the cycle of control works. when i say "your friend isn't thinking clearly" i mean there's no room in her brain. i was just trying not to get hurt. i couldn't think of anything else. it made me a worse person. i am very lucky my friends were patient with me during this time.
the thing i'm trying awkwardly to communicate is that your friend might not act like your friend; and you might need to allow that. and i know it can be frustrating to have a friend who is consistently making this choice - and you're just doomed to watch. a lot of people would choose to protect their peace rather than deal with that. i am very grateful that my friend group is trauma-informed. if this is someone you love and want to fight for... just... prepare yourself for that. i cannot say - even as a poet - how overwhelming and terrible it is to be inside of abuse. logic, sense, and reason cannot apply. it is like being rabid, all the time. she might need you to forgive her, a lot.
remember that leaving is the most dangerous part. help her if you can. a clean break is best. full block etc. it might take her a long time to get over it. do not rush her. grief works differently for everyone.
towards the end; i had to borrow a phone to text someone i'm sorry but [my ex] is making me block you because she thinks i cheated with you. i had to write the words i am worried for your safety more than anything, and i'm so sorry. i was embarrassed and sweating and weird. i hadn't even seen this person irl more than once. we talk maybe once every six months.
the friend i borrowed the phone from was a lifesaver. she was calm, thoughtful. we were on a beach, she kept holding my hand. i looked at her while i penned the message. "this is insane," i said. "what's happening right now is actually insane." she just kind of nodded and asked, "how can i help?"
at one point, once i'd calmed down a little - my friend said, "do you think you'd want to make a plan with me in order to leave?"
i said i had no idea. i felt crazy. my skin was buzzing. i had never done anything like this. to be constantly accused of cheating, to have to block random people, to have my every move controlled and navigated. how the fuck did it even get to that point? i was terrified that somehow my ex would know that i texted on a borrowed phone. i was terrified that i would get in trouble. i was terrified it wouldn't be enough, that the argument would happen anyway (it did).
she just nodded and held my hand and said, "i'll be there when you are ready for that step." she had texted me often during the relationship - at least twice every week - accepting that i often didn't respond. she later would tell me she had listened to quite a few podcasts and read a few books during this time. i knew something was wrong and i just wanted to figure out how to help. they all said to just be there for you. so i tried to do that.
i can never repay her for that. for just how calm and centered she was during that. that was love. that was patience. and i genuinely think if it wasn't for her (and for all of my friends) - i don't know how i would have made it out. alex literally let me talk about this for an entire month in a row. alison held my hand while i threw up weeping about it. they all just showed up.
good luck to you and to your friend. i'm so sorry it's something that's happening.
i’m so sorry if this is a bother/ stupid but. i love your writing for so so so long and a lot of what you’ve been writing about recently breaks my heart — firstly because im sorry you had to go through what sounds like such an awful relationship, especially when your words, and thereby, if you don’t mind my overstepping, your soul, is so beautiful.
i’m writing because i think one of my best friends is in a similar relationship to the one you’ve described in your poems. at best i don’t think she’s happy in the relationship. at worst i’m worried she might be being hit. i don’t know what to do. what would you have wanted a friend to do in your situation?
please don’t feel obligated to answer this, i just figured i’d ask xx
this is such a hard and careful question to have. it makes me sick to think that at some point, my friends were in the same situation.
the short answer is that you need to be there for them, to the best of your ability, possibly over a long period of time. possibly this might mean they act out in an unusually cruel way; or they might put a huge amount of distance between the two of you; or they might complain about their situation endlessly but never seem to "do" anything.
it is hard, because i cannot recommend you put yourself at risk. and i had friends who put themselves at risk for my benefit. i had them gently try to tell me, over and over - something isn't right here. these are friendships i'd had for many, many years - 5 or more - so most of my friends knew i was acting out of character. i don't know if it's fair to ask newer friends to do this same amount of risk-taking. i'm not a therapist and i don't know the situation you're in specifically.
but my advice is under the cut, to the best of my ability.
what i can say is that you cannot directly attack the partner. it takes a really specific situation to even say "i think you're being abused." as the person inside the relationship, we have been trained to constantly defend, deny, and prioritize our abusers. when someone "attacks" our partner, we feel attacked (due to the trauma bond). we feel like we can't tell you the truth, because it's something we can't handle. it is really, really thin ice. it is easy to feel judged because we often know we should leave, but we aren't able to do so.
because "just leave" is something we see all the time, and it's soul-crushing. i fucking wish i did, but while i was in it, the idea was unthinkable. i knew i needed to, but it felt like saying "i need to lift the ocean." how would i even start that?
you can gently suggest podcasts, audiobooks, and other resources; which i recommend doing as if you're just suggesting anything else. "oh have you read why does he do that? because we should have a book club, that thing was crazy." also, try to make excuses to see her as often as you can. getting space between her and her abuser is the most important thing. see if you can get her to start doing a hobby or sport with you, help her build up community and idenity.
be aware that your friend is likely having to defend her relationship to you. i had to fight tooth and nail to keep any of my friends; they were all "suspect". i'd often have to come home early while hanging out with my friends because my ex would fake an emergency. any event like a birthday party was heavily monitored. all friend-centered events were bookended with intense arguments; usually with unfounded accusations of cheating. i had to account for literally every person and moment at the event. if i even split a piece of cake with someone, i was under suspicion.
which is a long way of saying: if she's pulling away, she might still be trying her hardest and balancing having to protect herself and you. i did not want my ex to lash out at my friends. i did not want them having to deal with her anger and the way she treated people. i also knew that if my friends saw how she often spoke to me, they would never have allowed it. and i wasn't ready to leave.
i really need to stress that your friend isn't thinking clearly. consider it almost like an extreme form of sleep depravation: all her actions will come from a place of almost feral survival. we often think of gaslighting as being something visible from the outside, but i cannot stress enough that you cannot notice true gaslighting until it's too late. it isn't just something baldfaced like "oh the sky is green." it's the fact that if she had said "the sky is green", i was so well-trained by the end that i would have said "you know, that does look like green! :)" just to avoid the argument. and i'd justify it to myself because the sky can be green, and really "the sky is blue" isn't completely true, and some blues are kind of greenish?
so a fact that's like, obvious to you - like your friend is unhappy - isn't going to be present in her mind. in order to avoid the arguments, the punishments, the cycle - your friend cannot take things at face value. that is how gaslighting works. because it's not that we don't know when our partner is being evil, it's that we lie to ourselves about how evil they're being. because if we admit it; that is genuinely dangerous for us. that's why so many of us stay after being hit.
it was a relief when she hit me, honestly, because it was clarity. i had been trying to tell her for months that she got dangerously angry, and she basically said i was just too sensitive. i am 32 years old and i let a person hit me and stayed with her because of how the cycle of control works. when i say "your friend isn't thinking clearly" i mean there's no room in her brain. i was just trying not to get hurt. i couldn't think of anything else. it made me a worse person. i am very lucky my friends were patient with me during this time.
the thing i'm trying awkwardly to communicate is that your friend might not act like your friend; and you might need to allow that. and i know it can be frustrating to have a friend who is consistently making this choice - and you're just doomed to watch. a lot of people would choose to protect their peace rather than deal with that. i am very grateful that my friend group is trauma-informed. if this is someone you love and want to fight for... just... prepare yourself for that. i cannot say - even as a poet - how overwhelming and terrible it is to be inside of abuse. logic, sense, and reason cannot apply. it is like being rabid, all the time. she might need you to forgive her, a lot.
remember that leaving is the most dangerous part. help her if you can. a clean break is best. full block etc. it might take her a long time to get over it. do not rush her. grief works differently for everyone.
towards the end; i had to borrow a phone to text someone i'm sorry but [my ex] is making me block you because she thinks i cheated with you. i had to write the words i am worried for your safety more than anything, and i'm so sorry. i was embarrassed and sweating and weird. i hadn't even seen this person irl more than once. we talk maybe once every six months.
the friend i borrowed the phone from was a lifesaver. she was calm, thoughtful. we were on a beach, she kept holding my hand. i looked at her while i penned the message. "this is insane," i said. "what's happening right now is actually insane." she just kind of nodded and asked, "how can i help?"
at one point, once i'd calmed down a little - my friend said, "do you think you'd want to make a plan with me in order to leave?"
i said i had no idea. i felt crazy. my skin was buzzing. i had never done anything like this. to be constantly accused of cheating, to have to block random people, to have my every move controlled and navigated. how the fuck did it even get to that point? i was terrified that somehow my ex would know that i texted on a borrowed phone. i was terrified that i would get in trouble. i was terrified it wouldn't be enough, that the argument would happen anyway (it did).
she just nodded and held my hand and said, "i'll be there when you are ready for that step." she had texted me often during the relationship - at least twice every week - accepting that i often didn't respond. she later would tell me she had listened to quite a few podcasts and read a few books during this time. i knew something was wrong and i just wanted to figure out how to help. they all said to just be there for you. so i tried to do that.
i can never repay her for that. for just how calm and centered she was during that. that was love. that was patience. and i genuinely think if it wasn't for her (and for all of my friends) - i don't know how i would have made it out. alex literally let me talk about this for an entire month in a row. alison held my hand while i threw up weeping about it. they all just showed up.
good luck to you and to your friend. i'm so sorry it's something that's happening.
Aliens: Wow you guys sure are completely normal and not at all indescribably horny.
NASA *beating the alien fuckers with a broom*: Yep. Just a completely normal species. no inappropriate lusting for extraterrestrial booty here, no sir.
i do not "add post to queue" i post and reblog 19999973 things at once and flood my mutuals feeds and they are all grateful because they love me and i am the coolest and then i dissappear for another 13.2 hours
spent MONTHS looking for this stupid tumblr post bcuz i constantly want to reference it and it wouldn't come up no matter what i searched despite it being (what i thought) was a popular well-known tumblr post only to find that the original blog turned off reblogs and deactivated and that it only got 12k notes total. but im posting it anyway to preserve its legacy
we need more mean butches in media that never reconnect with their feminity and never feel longing for the nuclear life they gave up on. and I mean nowwwwww
Ok so at this point I've had two people roll up to me in manual wheelchairs, well, one of them was somebody pushing somebody who was nonverbal at the time, but it still counts. They asked me why I had zip ties around my tires.
It's winter where I'm living and we have really bad snow. And the snow plow people are really bad at their jobs probably because there aren't snow plow people who clean sidewalks. As a solution I got to thinking about how I could increase the traction on my wheels. And the most redneck thing I could think of was taking a bunch of zip ties and tying them around my wheels. They last surprisingly long, and work surprisingly well. It's basically the same premise as chains for your tires during the winter.
I chose to space them out pretty evenly so there's about one for every spoke. You could probably do more or less depending on how many you want and how much traction you get but I wouldn't go more than three per spoke. I realize that it's a bit later in the winter, and I probably should have made a post about this sooner, but I came up with it about a week ago. So please share this, even if you're not disabled, because there are tons of people I know who are stuck in their houses because they can't get around in the snow. A pack of zip ties costs about $5, which compared to $200 knobby snow tires is a big save, and if you want to invest you could get colored zip ties.
(for anyone using their chair both indoors and outside, highly recommend wheelchair 'slippers'/wheel socks like these so you don't tear up wood/vinyl/linoleum flooring with the zip ties!)
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