In which Danny learns about another kind of hunger from Jazz.
Words- 3,151
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Danny felt a hollowness inside of him.
His stomach never ached as Phantom. As a ghost he never had to eat or sleep so he never felt tired or hungry but something was off. He couldn’t describe it. Something bad was happening and it was not anything he could put meaningful words to. There was a weight inside of his skin dragging the flesh down thick and heavy and nameless. He could move through it. The weight did not make him sluggish but it made him ache in a way that was not quite pain.
He fought hard as always but there was less pride in his victories and less joy in the peace he found after. There was a stress and tension in his body when he fought and a vicious edge to his strikes. He did not talk as often to the combatants and there was an emptiness in his head, in his chest when he let the ghosts back into the zone when he was left in silence.
It all felt like too much and not enough at the same time but why?
He felt like he could cry but for what reason?
When he transformed back to his human self it got better but not in a way that mattered. Human him felt warm and solid but that heaviness persisted like a dull weight in his body, like it pulled down through his skin and the tissue underneath in either form like his body was not sure if he was in the space he occupied or elsewhere. Why was this happening? Was it stress?
He watched a stray spirit meander by him, more memory than substance and he wondered if there was a chance that would happen to him? What if he was losing himself? His humanity was a tricky thing on the best of days. What if Phantom was starting to separate from reality? What if this was the first evidence of him losing his mind?
His mind swung with an anxious fragility and the ideas flooded his mind and would not stop coming.
The ghost below walked through a wall and disappeared. Danny was too tired to follow. That type of ghost never caused any harm anyway, There was so little left of their minds they may as well not exist.
What if that was going to be him soon?
Tears formed in his eyes and he scrubbed at them furiously because Danny Fenton didn’t cry and neither would his ghost.
His head snapped up toward the voice baring his fangs at the voice before he could register his name. That meant the voice was friendly. He blinked tears from his green eyes. He was on the roof, the OPs center. The voice was Jazz. He snapped his mouth shut, mortified but the girl did not comment on the revoked threat .
“Long night?” She asked and he scoffed. He was irritated in an instant. How could he go from having an existential crisis to annoyed at stupid questions at the drop of a hat?
“I’m fine.” He muttered, his voice echoed even more than usual with the sheets of steel lining the roof. Danny drew his legs against his chest pulling them tightly with both arms. He felt better somehow with that pressure around his legs but his skin still buzzed with something...
Jazz closed the hatch behind her and took careful steps toward him across the metal. “I turned off the alarm when I saw it was you,” she started and she looked over the rooftops below them. “I texted mom and dad that it was a false alarm. Rogue frankenfurter.” She told him with a smile and a pleased note to her voice.
It was an inside joke they shared about why hotdogs came in packs of 10 and buns in packs of 8. The two remaining sausages were doomed to haunt the Fenton house after being contaminated by ectoplasm in the fridge.
He didn’t smile back, didn’t thank her for covering his careless mistake of coming to his house, his own home and triggering an alarm he helped his dad install years ago. He was so stupid and here she was having to make up for that.
He was a stupid, hollow shell of a person and Jazz could be doing so many great things if she didn’t have to look out for her dumb little brother.
Maybe she wouldn’t have to for much longer.
Tears leaked again and Danny hid his face in his arms instead. By design, the hazmat suit did not absorb any of the liquid. Were they even tears? Did ghosts cry or was that too human? He sniffled for air he did not need but it still came back out in a sob.
Something warm touched him and his entire body jolted. Arms wrapped around him and he was being hugged- Jazz was hugging him and the world stopped spinning out of control and all he could think about was how warm she was.
“You don’t have to do that.” He croaked. Even his voice failed him as if it was just another broken part of a janky machine. The arms just crushed him further.
“It looks like you need it,” concern laced her tone and he tensed but it was so hard to stay coiled like this. Now he was making her worry. Idiot. “What’s going on, little brother?” Jazz asked and something about the way she addressed him made him crumble but to crumble was to be weak and how could she ask him to be weak when he was already so fragile?
“I’m fine. Let go, I have school in the morning.” He snipped and squirmed in her grip but she only loosened her grip enough to look at him instead of releasing him. She looked at him so softly and held on like she would never let go in a way that left him truly alone.
“You’re okay. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
Of course he could. She was one of the only people he could talk to freely. Lately Sam and Tucker were listening to him more and more until he shut them out too. When was that? Did he imagine shutting the door in their face last week? How could he be so tired and on edge at the same time?
“I think I’m going crazy.” He whispered at last. Danny half hoped she didn’t hear but of course she did.
She didn’t deny it or tell him he wasn't, which was agonizing and comforting at the same time. “Why do you think you’re going crazy?”
He turned his head into her shoulder and thought about it. All the sad and dreadful things he had been thinking about himself were coming back jumbled and twisted and he could hardly recognize the ones he had been thinking all day versus the ones he was coming up with on the spot.
“I feel like shit,” he admitted at last. “Or at least this body does. I feel okay enough during the day but as Phantom I feel…” He frowned unable to put the words out in the air. Whatever Phantom was, that manifestation of his suffering consciousness, it hurt more clearly.
Jazz didn’t say anything but she did nuzzle her cheek against the top of his head and held him and he thought he could cry again as he made himself speak.
“I’m angry at nothing. I’m so sad and I keep forgetting why until I try to think about it then there are so many reasons and it sucks.” He sniffled again and she just stroked her thumb over his arm. She was so warm.
“You’ve been under a lot of stress.” She said and he groaned, shaking his head but not pulling away.
“I’m always under stress. This is different from the regular superhero stuff. I feel like something’s wrong with me. I’m so tired,” he sniffled. “I'm getting mood swings. I yelled at Skulker today and I think I actually hurt his feelings.” He told her and while that was a hilarious thing to think about it just made him more mad because it was mean, not quippy or even original. He let out a wet laugh anyway. Like he owed the hunter artistic integrity.
Jazz just stroked his arm and shoulder and she was so good at it.
“It feels different from being a teenager?” She tried but the levity and jokes were fading. She was considering his feelings and Danny didn’t realize that was what he had been really needing.
“Yeah. Like it feels like something new. And it’s worse in ghost form. I’m starting to get worried that I’m… That something’s wrong with me,” Danny blinked but tears started to pool and threatened to run down his cheeks as some dam inside him flooded over and he babbled.
“I feel fine sometimes and other times I just don’t and I can’t explain it but I really wonder if something’s wrong with me like-” His voice started to waver and Jazz tightened her grip around his back and gave him a long moment to finish.
“It feels like I’m actually dying.”
Jazz did not tense around him, her heart did not skip a beat or hammer and thankfully she didn’t say anything to tell him he was wrong.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” She said and it was a complete statement. It was pity and sympathy but it did not make Danny’s skin crawl. He sniffled and turned his face into her shoulder.
“Why do I feel this way?” He asked as if she could give him a diagnosis on the spot- like Jazz could find a ghost bug on his back and yank it out of his spine and he could feel better in an instant but whatever this was he felt in his core. As such, she did not have an easy answer.
“There are plenty of things that could be manifesting,” she said sounding thoughtful as if remembering exactly what one of those psychology textbooks said. Luckily she paraphrased it for him. “The brain is a dumb, beautful, electric jelly lump and anything you’re feeling is real. We just have to figure out how to fix it. Or at least make you feel a little better.” She said and it sounded honest enough. “Is it possible this is how your stress is manifesting in your body? Tense and mad at ghosts?” He didn’t know.
“I was stressed before and I never had a temper like that. And I was never exhausted all the time, even in the beginning when I only fought ghosts once a week or so.” Because I was so weak stayed hidden on his tongue, bitter and disgusting. He turned his cheek against her sweater and he felt her shrug.
“The human body isn’t meant to be stressed out for long periods of time. We’re meant to relax and hang out most of the time and be in run from the tiger mode just sometimes. This could be something biological. Your body might be overwhelmed.”
And that would be comforting except for that keyword, biological.
“That’s a human thing,” He snapped and pulled away. The grip broke and she looked at him with concerned eyes. Her hands still lingering on his waist and shoulder and he swatted them away.
“I’m not a person, Jazz. I’m a ghost. A monster.” He said and his lips formed a tight line and he willed them not to tremble as he scrubbed tears from his face. She blinked at him.
“Why don’t you feel like a person? Did something happen to your human half?”
He shook his head frantically straightening because to be small was to be weak and he couldn’t handle that right now. He stood and walked away a few steps forcing himself not to pace.
“No! Yes… I mean I’m fine but I just feel like shit. It’s ridiculous- I need to be stronger.”
“Making yourself stronger won’t necessarily fix whatever is going on. You can get help-”
“You can’t help.” Danny snapped at her but the heat was lessened.
“Then I can get you what you need to help yourself.” Jazz narrowed her eyes stubbornly pushing herself off the cold metal. She stood tall and crossed her arms. “You’re a human, Danny. You need all the basic things a human needs.”
“I get everything I need as a human and it’s not enough because something is wrong with me.”
“Did you eat dinner?”
“It was glowing so no. I ate lunch at school.” Danny crossed his arms back at his sister. He was in ghost form but he fought the urge to fly off. If they didn’t finish this conversation she would just follow him downstairs to his room and text him all night when he didn’t answer the door.
“Slept?” Jazz asked, apparently just going through a check list and Danny bristled.
“I dunno. I got home at 2 last night then went to bed.” There he stayed up scratching at his arms for hours then went to school. The answer did not impress her as if she knew that.
“Have you played Gloom recently?”
“I played Doom on Saturday for like two hours,” He rage quit after being killed again and again and making no progress. The memory made him tense and he glowered at her. “Are you just listing stuff from that pyramid thing?” He was pretty sure safety and self esteem were somewhere on that list but he really might just jump off the roof if she asked a stupid question like Do you feel safe.
“Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, Danny. It’s a real thing. In order to get to the top of the pyramid, you need to have the base which is physiological needs. Food and water, rest, relaxation, touch, and exercise.” Jazz listed like the walking encyclopedia she was.
This was all so stupid. He had all of those things in spades- except touch. He paused, freezing a snide remark on his lips and frowned. He wasn’t clingy and he didn’t exactly have time for a dating life. Even those fleeting hand touches with Sam had long faded. His fingers twitched and he turned to look at his gloved hands.
“Danny?” His head jerked up and Jazz was always too smart for her own good. She tilted her head and studied him as if she could read his thoughts and maybe she could. She could always read him so well.
“When was the last time you experienced a human touch?” She asked concisely taking any ghost punching off the table as technically contact.
He fidgeted under her gaze and shrugged but did not answer. What counted as human touch? He blushed and sputtered.
“I passed a note in class today? Got handed change by the lunch lady…” He realized as he spoke that he was reaching. Those couldn’t possibly count but she just nodded slowly.
“How about last time you had a handshake? Pet a dog? When was the last time you had a hug?” She asked giving him a second to process and Danny took a long moment to think and he really thought about it. He hadn’t hugged his friends in a long time, teenagerdom taking that casual action unless something really emotional was happening and one of them needed comfort. His parents had been wearing Specter Deflectors in the house for months as part of their uniform and hadn’t questioned, hadn’t insisted anyway when Danny stopped accepting offers for a morning hug. They chalked it up to teenage moodiness.
“The last hug I had was from you.”
Jazz’s face fell and Danny wondered if he should have lied. The event in question was a quick, genuine thing. He remembered the fleeting touch as she left for school one morning and he had shrugged her off.
“Forget it. It’s not a big deal, I’m not a kid anymore.”
“These are human needs, not just for kids,” she sounded distraught. “We’re pack animals and we need to be embraced and touched. It lets your body know you’re safe and you’re a loved part of your community.” Did she forget how he was often enemy number one, let alone the school loser? Whatever community he was a part of he wasn’t exactly loved. He smiled tightly at her.
“I think we’re pretty well past that.”
She frowned and stalked towards him and the look on her face took him by surprise. He tensed getting ready to step back but she just grabbed him tight.
Standing under the pale moon light, high enough where those below could not see them, Jazz held Danny Phantom and tucked his head under her chin all but enveloping him.
But then she didn’t let go.
“30 seconds of contact, minimum.” She said with a voice full of authority. “That’s the bare minimum your body needs to release oxytocin- happy brain chemical. Come on, hug me.”
He raised his numb arms immediately and obeyed squeezing gingerly around her back.
“Are you seriously counting to 30 before you let me go?” He tried to be glib but even now that weight was starting to dissipate. It couldn’t be that simple could it?
“I’m very serious,” Jazz said using that glib tone he had tried. “But instead of counting, I figured I’d just hold on until it feels right.”
How long would that be? Danny had started to think that he would never feel better, never feel whole again but here she was draining that horrible feeling from his body like she pulled a plug.
They held on to each other tight and maybe it was all fake and Jazz was making it up to give him a problem to focus on. Either way he felt soothed.
Jazz let him pull away after what must have been a full minute, maybe longer and he blinked at her feeling tired but not in a way that made him exhausted.
“Any better?” She asked as if she didn’t know. He smiled at her tightly but it wasn’t pained.
“Now I’m gonna want you for that every day,” she warned but smiled back. “We can do this every day before school and after if there’s time but you gotta see me before any ghost fighting nights.” Danny smiled a toothy, teasing grin.
“Are you giving me prescription hugs?”
The two of them looked at each other for a long moment but even as the smiles faded to something more comfortable, whatever happened here worked at least a little. Even if it was all made up or exaggerated, at least Jazz cared enough to try.
In any case he wouldn’t fight the treatment.
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