Diary Entry _001: Am I Ready For This?
But it's not like the dramatic 'hang-up' you do with the old school house phone that's attached to the wall, or even the cellular flip phone where you feel your confidence level rise as you slam it shut...
Nope. I just tap the screen and hang up.
And then I want to call right back.
I want to call back because this feels all too weird to me. I want to call back because this is what I'm accustom to doing with him -- hanging up during heated arguments and hitting the redial button like the last five minutes never happened. I want to call back because for one of the first times in my 22 years of living, I finally grow some balls and say out loud how I feel about not being appreciated.
And after I go through the emotions of how tired I am being pushed around, the balls disappear ... no seriously, they vanished.
I guess it doesn't help that my period came today either, hunh?
I haven't done this in a while...
Actually write what I'm feeling. I swear it makes life so much easier for people like me. I would rather stare at a computer screen or blank piece of paper expressing my feelings, instead of voicing them to another judgmental human being who swears they'll 'understand' with a soggy-looking facial expression.
I'm not going to call back. I'm not going to call back. I'M NOT GOING TO CALL BACK.
Inside it feels like my life is falling apart ... but that's how it usually feels when you get slapped in the face by reality, right? You would think that after all my years of life experiences I would be able to deal with shit like this.
Guess not. *plays with thumbs*
I'm not ready for this. It's not what I'm used to .. and I don't like things that I'm not used to. I don't feel comfortable ... but writing down how uncomfortable I am feels right.
Even though I'm questioning whether I'm ready, I am sure that I'm not going to call back.
I'm not going to redial the number and wait to hear his voice. I'm not going to doubt myself anymore. I'm not going to focus on what's NOT going on so much that I forget what IS going on. I'm not going to stress about not being where I want to be in my career.