virtuous @eeldrunk-blog - Tumblr Blog

infinite celestial power and we can’t catch a bus! / est. april 2016

incxndia.

❛ please, you know me. i don’t mind. it’s not like i grew up on the upper east side eating with a silver spoon. ❜

‘ you still didn’t have live chickens for income.

( she straightens out a pile of papers and sets them back down on her desk. her movements are a bit erratic , a bit shaky. she’s overwhelmed, to say the least. )

‘ i don’t think i can go for drinks tonight, everything is just so fucking crazy. i feel like my head’s gonna explode at any minute.

#incxndia #REPLIES.

Send one for a kiss from my muse.

👄 a kiss on the lips

⚪️ a kiss on the cheek

🔷 a kiss on the eyelid

⬛️ a kiss on the hand

▫️ a kiss on the forehead

♦️ a kiss on the ear

🔘 a kiss on a bruise/wound/etc.

〰 a kiss on the chest

🔃 a kiss on the leg

🔶 a kiss on the neck

🔻 a kiss on the nose

#MEME.

headstrongmartin

texts from last night! meme

[text] Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today? [text] The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here [text] He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after. [text] I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW [text] So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one’s for Team USA. [text] He gave me the “find somebody who wants to date you for who you are” speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants. [text] I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese [text] I just got high off one hit and then Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refrigerator and researching ways to replace it [text] Seriously. I’m like, “Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you’re so fucking intelligent I’m turned on?” [text] Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet? [text] He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I’m keeping him. [text] I’m making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life. [text] It’s a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later. [text] Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I’ve been waiting for this moment forever. [text] Lesson learned. Don’t roleplay with a real knife. [text] We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman’s birthday party for the food. Whoops. [text] He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle. [text] I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I’d say it was a pretty successful Thursday night. [text] I’m wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real. [text] He’s like… An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It’s almost unsettling [text] I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I’ve found the One. [text] Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while… if you happen to find your balls then join us [text] i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled “dibs!”… [text] and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered “Simba” [text] so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. [text] Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. [text] Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me [text] We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sounds logical. Thank you daylight savings. [text] when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was “chug-a-lug” [text] There’s a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork. [text] Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine [text] My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there. [text] He told me he loved me. I didn’t know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him [text] Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten [text] Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly. [text] He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter. [text] we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I’ve ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury [text] I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man’s heart. [text] When was the last time you wore pants? [text] I’ve replaced you with thin mints and masturbation [text] Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast. [text] Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time [text] Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent [text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person. [text] I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how’s your day going? [text] I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn’t need it today. [text] We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What’s wrong with this tradition? [text] all i’ve had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila. [text] Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don’t exist? [text] Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special [text] And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention [text] This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the “High While Analyzing Disney Movies” texts begin. [text] Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won’t quit poking me on fb [text] I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes [text] One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won’t be me. I’m drinking liquor out of a fishbowl. [text] You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy [text] im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster [text] just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing. [text] I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on [text] Let’s play a little game called “Chill the Fuck Out” - you’re our first contestant [text] Didn’t get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie. [text] I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion. [text] you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat [text] tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance? [text] We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out [text] maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game [text] i think its awesome that according to your mom i’m your friend that caught on fire. [text] So fucked up. Can’t tell if I’m starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out. [text] I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day. [text] Vodka is such a love hate relationship. [text] you traded sex for a burrito? [text] I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos. [text] You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there. [text] it’s not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher. [text] You’re always adorable, but when you’re drunk, you’re like Chia Pet adorable. [text] this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest [text] I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box [text] I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old’s Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. [text] It’s like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it’s gummy bears and instead of milk it’s vodka. [text] You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go [text] Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome. [text] we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying “i mean who doesn’t like cheetos” [text] quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you [text] I left a cheeto on everyone’s car trailing to the house i’m at, hanzel and gretel style. [text] Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again. [text] nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs [text] When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar. [text] kinda considering buying a life alert for sophomore year [text] My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something. [text] Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex. [text] you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing ‘follow the yellowbrick road’. i’m pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted [text] It’s like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job. [text] did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes? [text] The world would be so much better with thought bubbles. [text] I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy! [text] You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen. [text] I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter. [text] So I woke up today with someone’s door knob in my pocket. I hope everybody else got out of the house ok. [text] So we successfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know. [text] Because when I say 'You shouldn’t drink anymore’, she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks’ [text] okay, this game isn’t funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are. [text] The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing. [text] when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed [text] so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat. [text] You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone [text] never. drinking. again. [text] I’m gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see. [text] got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night [text] I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now [text] i’m out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction. [text] Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

#MEME.

eeldrunk-blog

starter call !

oftwentyeight.

❝ Most days I am, yeah. ❞

‘ wow.

( excuse her , this is kinda a big deal. )

‘ you - i remember you, yeah, you were involved with the whole shield disaster.

( her hand is extended towards the other. )

‘ karen page. it’s really nice to meet you.

#me 2...#i'm getting gayer by the moment #REPLIES.#oftwentyeight

‘ you know what , matt , i really don’t want to deal with this shit right now.

#STARTER.#notinertia

clintbartons

frank x karen + tumblr text posts

#daredevil spoilers #gif warning #BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU.#goddamn ! it !

statuscondition

#gif warning #THEY TRIED TO KILL ME.#luv this #daredevil spoilers

" Wanna play Army? I lay down and you blow the hell outta me. " ft. crotchety ol wes

‘ i’d ask how that works , but i really don’t wanna sound presumptuous.

#andmuskrats #ASK.#idk what this is i m.

notinertia-blog

at it’s worst , you are numb. drained.

#follow my girlfriend #promo for ts

send my muse a pick up line

We’re going to dance to one song, then go back to my apartment and fuck.

You might be asked to leave soon. You are making the other women look bad.

What do I have to do to be your booty call?

What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.

With my IQ and your body, we could make a race of superchildren!

When I’m older, I’ll look back at all of my crowning memories, and I’ll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you.

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

Since we’ve been told to reduce waste these days, what you say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire.

Your ass is so nice that it is a shame that you have to sit on it.

Were do you hide your wings?

Sit on my lap and we’ll get things straight between us.

Sit on my face and let me get to ‘nose’ you better?

You know what material this is? [Grab your shirt] Boyfriend material.

There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like one more?

Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.

Hey, tie your shoes! I don’t want you falling for anyone else.

Wanna play midget boxing? You get down on your knees and give me a couple blows!

Your place or mine? Tell you what? I’ll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours.

Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

So, what are the chances of my balls slappin’ your ass tonight?

We’ll probably never see each other again, so let’s screw.

Wanna play “kite”? I lay down, you blow and we’ll see how high you can make me.

Will you be my girlfrien? I left out the ‘d’ cause you’ll get that later!

Which is easier? You getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them?

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

So, what are the chances that we can engage in anything more than just conversation?

You make me wish I weren’t gay!

Writes on a napkin: “Smile if you want to have sex with me.”

The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor.

Wanna play Army? I lay down and you blow the hell outta me.

What is your favorite color? [Color] Mine too! Seems like we are soulmates.

Will you marry me for just one night?

Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.

The only thing I want between our relationship is latex.

What are you doing tonight beside me?

Wanna fuck like bunnies?

Try me once and if you don’t like it, what have you wasted?

What, six hours of your life? It’d be more if you want foreplay.

You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!

You look like trash, may I take you out?

#MEME.

unhingedassassin.

COULD HAVE thought about the question seriously, but the absurdity of it makes him make a sound ( akin to laughter ! ) before thinking twice about it. he shakes his head, unable to come up with an answer good enough. ❝ yeah. as good as i’ll ever get. ❞ a pause. ❝ y’know. i should be the one askin’ that. ❞

‘ yeah , well.

( she sighs , attention turning to the table rather than to him. these diner conversations have become natural. she guesses it’s easier to speak privately somewhere so public. )

‘ i worry about you , stupid as it sounds.

#unhingedassassin #REPLIES.#this is what I call Winging It