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i really do despise myself

its bad because i miss dirk but hes gone now probably never thinks of me anymore and thats honestly a good thing

at least coming back this time im in a lot better of a predicament than before

so ive killed four people since my last time being online and one of them happens to be my son so i have that going for me good job me

im back in that rut of wanting to die and wanting to kill everyone around me

i cant help but to think of him while im with her and that sucks

a date

im starting to regret coming back

do i really love anyone though i mean i thought i loved rena for a week i thought i loved mech i thought i loved matt i think i love dirk

what if im wrong what if this isnt love that im feeling

what if i really am that lonely

shes putting me on a new medication next month and i feel sick

shes makes it clear that shes over me and then the second shes here and were cuddling things hit the fan and go way too far again

im laying in the bathtub holding an unopened bottle of everclear while texting my sister

i dont want to be alone but i cant risk telling anyone that haha

im so tired all the time i hate it i hate this maybe i should stop taking the pills

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