A Series of Unfortunate Events

You couldn't make this stuff up. My life.

[ehvouz]

Tinderella

Near enough everyone has heard of or is on Tinder (even people that probably shouldn’t be!) but for those of you that have a life/partner/dignity it’s an app where you find people in the area you’re in, you swipe left if you don’t like the look of them and right if you do, if they swipe right for you too then you match and you can chat. Inevitably people meet up for ‘dates’ but let’s not beat around the bush here, mainly people meet up for sex. I’m not sure if girls actually think they will meet their soul mate this way but I know for most guys it increases their chances of getting laid dramatically.

I joined the app 2 weeks ago now and thought I’d follow my exploits as I’m an alright looking girl (without sounding too big headed, it’s never really okay to say it but yeah I went there) with a boy brain. Which is dangerous since it’s SO easy for girls to have sex when they want it. Some may call it slutty and I’m not gonna come out with that ‘I’m a strong independent, liberated woman’ shit because I don’t class it as anything, just my lifestyle choice. DOES WHAT SHE WANTS!

Anyway my Tinder virginity is still intact, not even a date. But with opening lines like;

‘You want the D?’

‘What underwear you wearing?’

‘Wanna come around for a snuggle?’

  I’m not surprised it’s still intact. I’m by no means innocent, and I have no problem with sex with a stranger, but my girl brain kicks in at the start. I like a little random conversation before I agree to meet someone; I can’t have sex with someone that is gonna piss me off… Sober anyway! One guy half way through arranging to meet was like, ‘Oh yeah I forgot to mention my girlfriend.’ Pardon? I mean I’ve slept with people with girlfriends before, mainly out of just not asking the question and once or twice I’ve just been drunk and been a dick. I’ve heard about married people on this app also, I have no idea how they get away with it because their partner is going to have at least one friend on Tinder!

My favourite conversation starter so far has been, ‘If we had a Pokemon battle and I used Pikachu what Pokemon would you use?’ I absolutely smashed the reply, ‘Onyx obviously because he’s a ground type and Pikachu would be useless against him!’ My main aim with Tinder is to go on a few dates, maybe have sex when I feel like it and find a perfect part time boyfriend. Basically a fuck buddy, who I can go out with to random places and do fun stuff with when we’re bored. So far I’ve been unsuccessful. I’ve matched with some straight 10s, but then they’ve had NO chat or been a bit too seedy for me, some have been fit enough to be able to get away with it but I’ve still refrained. I have been messaging one guy a lot who’s a bit skinny but he’s been the only one I’ve had an ongoing conversation with so far. I’m a bit scared he’s gonna be shorter than me, awkward, suppose it doesn’t matter when you’re lying down.

To be honest I think I’m using it wrong, a lot of the people I’ve spoken to I already know and matched because I thought it would be funny when you’re both like ‘Oi oi what you doing on here!?’ I’ve found people I’ve already slept with, an ex boyfriend, random guys from school/college and someone I know and really wanted to bang but he has definitely swiped left haha! Wounded…

I’ve realised how picky I am with guys when I don’t know anything about them, even if they’re decent I’ll decline if they are in too many group photos and I can’t be arsed to work out who it is, if they have a pretentious/annoying bio, if they’re a dancer, they have no pics not wearing sunglasses, too many pics with their dog, have a child, are pouting, or just generally look douchy. I’ve also noticed my two types are polar opposites; there’s the massive muscular rugby player with tattoos, and then there’s the kinda geeky guy with glasses and a bit of an edgy cunt. Dark or ginger hair and nice eyes for both though. In fact ideally, ginger rugby player with tattoos, wears glasses (obviously not whilst playing rugby) and can hold a decent and amusing conversation. Ah, and MINT in bed! If I find him I’ll propose.

Famous last words, watch me end up getting a boyfriend through Tinder now… 

[ehvouz]

How Awkward do you feel right now?

The day came, that I had to see and speak to Adam for a prolonged period of time, no thanks to Ryan (See:Pea Brain). I was picking Sue, Gina’s mum, up from work and then we were going out in Uxbridge. I turned up about 40 minutes too early so popped into spoons for a bit for a drink while I waited. I saw Ryan on the fruity and Adam heading towards the bar as I walked in, I said hello to both and then went to the opposite side of the bar to Adam. I was surprised when he walked around to join me even though I’d clearly walked to the other side on purpose.

At first I was on edge with the general chit chat but then I relaxed once I got in the mind frame that first of all I had the upper hand here as he was probably shitting himself, and secondly I fortunately looked mint since I was ready to go out. After the general chit chat was over he tried to go back to Ryan then awkwardly came back over since he was on the phone, then he stayed on the phone for what seemed like forever so I decided to have some fun. I started to unleash the old banter we had and it felt far too easy to be normal, I wish I hated him; I’m the only one out of my friends that doesn’t hate him after what he did. He started with the northern jokes and I dropped the ‘C-bomb’. He was like ‘Whooooa no need for that,’ It’s a valid statement though isn’t it, ‘Why?’ You know why, ‘Say it,’ Don’t need to. Then it went silent for a few seconds and he broke it with, ‘Well now this is awkward,’ I don’t feel awkward, on a scale of 1 to 10 just how awkward do you feel right now? At this point he went bright red and with timing as perfect as ever Ryan came back and we both proceeded to rip Adam to shreds in front of his brother.

When I left I hugged Ryan bye then said Will you go bright red again if I hug you bye? Again he was embarrassed and hugged me. I was very satisfied with myself. Unfortunately it was nice seeing him and now he’s in my head again, I’d only just completely forgotten about him. At least I was sober when I saw him, had I have been drunk it could have been one extreme or the other; I’d have either given him a verbal post mortem or maybe tried sleeping with him. Neither really would have worked in my favour.

[ehvouz]

The Asian One x

[ehvouz]

Laurenzi x

[ehvouz]

Seriously?

Oh Philip (See: The Hot/Wanker Scale)

Saturday night at work I was in a foul mood, which actually doesn’t happen that often at work, was just due on and customers were irritating me. Anyway Phil came in and I tried to serve him because the girls in front of him weren’t paying attention, then at the last minute they decided to be like ‘WE were next!’ PAY ATTENTION INSTEAD OF GOSSIPING THEN YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! Anyway I didn’t end up serving him and I just generally looked mardy as hell. Then I woke up the next morning to a text that he’d sent at half 4 in the morning saying, ‘Well… You fucking hate me don’t you’ I swear that boy never sleeps. Anyway the conversation went like this (I’m in italics as always):

Why do you say that Philipine?

You do though.. So quiet and moody!

Can I switch to facebook, got a new phone and can't hack touch screen

Just basically, in general...

I don't hate you, and i was moody with you the last few times you rang because i had exams the next day and was ill and you weren't having any of it, then you shouted at me for not comin round when i had tonsilitus, and then tried sleeping with Anju, which is fine but not how i rolllll

I try sleeping with everyone? Lets be fair. And u were hash tagging other peeps too?

Yeah I know but not your best mates, I'm not annoyed about it, just makes me look a bit of a cunt

Errrr? Gina. Anyways was just saying

what about gina?

I was going to be meeting up with her for nandos n dat before we did stuff. We're actually not in a relationship so I'm not doing this and I'm hanging, so laterrrs x

I'm not having a go at all.. I knew that about Gina, and she'd given me the go ahead cos she wasn't bothered.. I'm confused as to how anything I've just said implied I was acting like I was in a relationship when I'm not even angry i just don't want to carry on spoonin/forkin.. sinabit x

......lol x

I left it at that! When he said about the relationship bit I was fuming because I pride myself on how chilled out I am about stuff and nothing I had said was unreasonable. You can have casual sex with whoever you like but sleeping with me and trying to sleep with my best friend is not ok by me. I didn’t tell him off for it I just said I wasn’t going to carry on with it and him make me look stupid. Also why do people keep trying to bring Gina into arguments!!? Anyone that knows me and Gina can see that I love her to bits and would never do anything to intentionally upset her. One time we were all going to Watford and I got a lift and Paul (her gay best friend) jumped in a taxi without her and she got annoyed, I spent the whole next day text harassing her to make sure she wasn’t mad, whereas Paul spent the whole next day blaming me and Anju.

I saw him again bank holiday Sunday walking out of liquid just as I was walking in after work, I was a bit startled when I saw him because I wasn’t expecting it but I still said hello. And I will be completely normal when I see him out because I genuinely do not give a fuck, even about the relationship comment, if he wants to think that then I’m not wasting my time arguing against it.

[ehvouz]

The Hot/Wanker Scale

I thought I’d finally found a worthy fuck buddy, but alas he turned out to not be worth the effort. Gina Laurenzi is one of my best friends down here, her gay best friend Paul, who recently has irritated me to my core, has a flat mate Phil. I had heard that basically Philip was the boy version of me, turns out this is inaccurate because even I have morals and I don’t try so hard to be this way, he tries SO hard to be a lad. I also found out that Phil is also my friend Holly’s manager at Jack Wills which made it even more fun to pursue.

I first met Phil at liquid on a night I’d gone in after work; I knew he’d be easy to sleep with there and then, but that night he had a girl clinging to him for dear life. The next time I saw him was again in liquid after work, again he had a girl clinging to him but I had made a random group of friends who I was hanging out with anyway. Later on he came up to me asking where I’d been all night and to not look at my facebook messages as he may have sent a few. My phone is shit but it is capable of getting on facebook so I later went on and looked and saved his number from one of the messages he’d sent. He then asked if I was coming back to his, at this point I had already agreed to go back to a hotel and chill for a bit with these new friends. I did go back to the hotel, then my vagina went to my head and I ended up texting him. Once I’d established I was going round I sent, ‘Warning though, I’m on my period’ he replied with ‘Warning I’m fucked. Floppy penis.’ With that settled I went round at 4 in the morning completely sober and he was trashed. He ended up persuading me to see how bad I was on to see if we could have sex, it was decided it was feasible, and a few attempts were made as the floppy penis did strike. I came though, again mostly from my own doing. He actually seemed alright to get along with as well. Thought I was on to a winner, someone I could have banter with, bang regularly and could both bang other people.

A few days after that I went home for a month for easter. He seemed quite keen while I was at home saying that he was disgusted with himself for wanting me to come home early and stuff like that. I didn’t really believe him because I’ve heard what he’s like but I was confused as to why he was still texting and ringing me even though he knew I wasn’t back for a few weeks. Before I came back we arranged for me to go round that Friday, at first I said ‘Yeah possibly’ and he went off on one like, ‘Do you really think I seem like a possibly kind of guy, don’t say you’re going to come round and then mug me off, I hate being mugged off…’ I was just like whoa and told him I’d definitely be round. It sort of made me a bit pleased with myself that I’d found his insecurity. But then Friday came and I asked if we were still on and he told me that he was thinking of going out but undecided, so I told him to go out because I wasn’t waiting around for him to decide when I could go out with Gina. He went out in Windsor and we went to Uxbridge. In my drunken state in the early hours of the morning I thought it would be funny to text him something like this: ‘Philip kick out whoever you’ve brought home, spooning Gina isn’t the same since I can’t touch her up… Well I can but I don’t know how she’d feel about it x x’ No response. In the morning Gina’s mum Sue and Gina’s little sister Tiff came home, they’d stayed at Paul and Phil’s and Tiff was in Phil’s clothes. I felt a little bit sick. I say little sister but she is 17. I’ve never asked what happened but I’m pretty sure now that something did, at that point though I gave him the benefit of the doubt but I was so embarrassed about sending that text when he was probably in bed with my best mates little sister.

After that I went round to Phil’s once more when we were both sober, watched a film, had a laugh, had sex and spooned. In the morning he even said I didn’t have to get up, he’d leave his key and I could leave it under a rock when I left. I was starting to think that he actually wasn’t a bad person. Bank holiday Sunday I saw him at liquid and he invited me back to his but I was supposed to be staying at Gina’s. We had a dance on the podium, just stupid dancing and had a laugh, and by the time he left I’d changed my mind and wanted to go back to his but he was drunk and didn’t know his text, ‘Com mi se’ meant come mine. Then I stopped speaking to him as much during my exams, the night before my last exam he rang me at 1am, I politely explained that I wasn’t coming round and had an exam in the morning, when he rang again at 2am my response was more like fuck off and hung up. I woke up to a text, ‘Well you’re a moody cunt.’ What a selfish prick! I told him I had an exam. At this point I was also ill, I’d acquired my first cold sore which I was pissed off and ashamed about and I’d got headaches, fever and thought that the cold sores had spread down my throat as it felt like I’d swallowed a cheese grater. So I was feeling pretty shit. He rang me again 4am Friday morning, I told him I wasn’t going round because I was ill and had the doctors at 9am. He would not let it drop and even said he just wanted to spoon and he’d take me to the doctors in the morning. I stood my ground and said that I wasn’t going round. Then he kicked off in a big way and started shouting at me, ‘Right that’s it you’re now on the B list I won’t be calling or texting you anymore, do you know who else is on the B list?’ Just me? ‘That’s right just you! And do you know why it’s just you!?’ No Philip enlighten me ‘Because nobody EVER turns me down! Blah blah blah…’ Then he put Paul on for a bit, who at one point made a reference to Tiff, which made me abandon my previous benefit of the doubt stance of that night. Then Phil came back on the phone, ‘In fact never mind I’ll just get someone else round, in fact what’s Anju’s number? And don’t be talking to her first asking her not to do it because I’m yours.’ Don’t worry I won’t. So I hung up and sent him Anju’s number and he text back like ‘nah your alright.’ Lies, he rang her loads that night trying to get her to go round and pissed her off big time, and to top it off he tried it on again when he saw her out and was trying to kiss her neck and that. This is where I and Philip differ. I know where to draw the line. He tries so hard to be a lad that he comes off desperate.

There’s a Hot/Wanker scale, hotness along the x-axis and how much of a dickhead you are up the y-axis. You’re allowed to be a certain level of dickhead as long as you’re hot enough to justify it, so there’s a line diagonally through the middle of the graph and anything above that line the guy just isn’t hot enough to tolerate him being that much of a wanker. Phil jumped above this line and I have told him so. Not worth the hassle. Why is it so hard to find someone that I get on with, is decent in bed, and we can still get with other people, but only when we’re out in different places and not with anyone the other person knows. Basically all I’m asking for is a ‘part time boyfriend but not’.

[ehvouz]

ilovetour

The coach journey was long. We had to pick up Brighton girls football and the Canterbury Christ church women’s basketball. Brighton. Women’s. Football. You have Brighton the gay capital of England, and women’s football which is deemed to sport a few lesbians anyway, they were the pinnacle of the stereotype. Most of the time I was on tour I was jealous of the rowdyness of other universities and it made me wish I’d have just gone to Sheffield as I had a place there to do Maths and Spanish, but doing a beer bong at half 9 in the morning before a 24 hour coach journey is just stupid. Needless to say the toilets were a mess by the end of it.

Sunday was probably the day and night I enjoyed the most; it was the only night I was on my usual form. We started drinking through the day, our little German Lea got a little more drunk than the rest and managed to forget that she’d had dinner and a few days later we found out that she’d drunkenly booked flights home from England to Germany through her dad for when we returned from tour and forgot. A few of us braved Hotel Jamie’s pool, the only day we dared get in the pool after seeing more beer thrown in it than chlorine. Katty and Lea had a naked shower together, naturally. Then the night time games began. While we were getting ready two boys Ben and Nate stumbled into our room, I didn’t particularly enjoy them but Hattie, queen of the selfies, instantly went into chirpse mode. At one point they told her she looked like she should be on Hollyoaks, she asked me what this meant. Well, everyone on Hollyoaks is fit.  

I did my usual trick of not sharking until last minute, in the last bar we ended up in a boy came up to me like ‘I’m a fresher and I’ve been challenged to try and kiss you, please help m…’ I cut him off at this point, tongued him, and walked off to rejoin the rest of the girls. Smooth as ya like. Then I got talking to the President of Hull’s football team. Max. Sharking sorted for the night. Whilst I was sharking Max Hattie appears, forever chirpsing, and pulls one of Max’s mates. Then said mate wanders off to the toilet or bar, but on his way back the three of us are watching him and he stops to talk to the sluttiest girl I have seen all night. ‘So that’s me pied off then’ Max starts insisting that he won’t, only to be corrected when he starts tashin’ on with slutty girl. Hattie swiftly recovers from this and finds another one of Max’s friends to play with. We both ended up going back with them, Hattie just spooned, again. Hattie is an infamous spooner, the first I heard of Hattie before I met her through netball was that she was spooning my housemate Lewis, since then she has been referred to as spooner. I went back to Max’s room, which was supposed to be empty as his roommate was supposed to be staying in his girlfriends room, but no, they were both passed out in his room. Still, I went ahead with it anyway! Yeah, yeah I’m disgusting, but that’s tour. I left straight after, mostly because I didn’t trust myself to get up in time for netball, also because I didn’t want the awkwardness in the morning, what I did end up getting was far more awkward…

For tour we all had tour mascots that we had to have with us at all times, these tour mascots happened to be handcuffs. In the morning both me and Hattie both realised that we had left said mascots in the boys’ rooms. So at 8 in the morning we found ourselves running up a few floors to frantically rescue our mascots. I knocked on Max’s door, his roommate answered and I blurted out ‘I’ve left my handcuffs in here and if I don’t get them back I’ll be punished.’ Nice choice of wording Melissa. Then I managed to knock loads of stuff over whilst rummaging through a pile to find the handcuffs and then sprinted out as fast as possible.

Every day on tour we had tour court where we handed out Dick of the day and Slut of the night. Lea got dick of the day for being so drunk so early and Hattie got slut of the night because she was chirpsing all night, it was expected of me to go back with someone and they thought I’d be getting it for the rest of the week. Hattie was piiiiiiissed! She was even more pissed when I behaved for the rest of the week so didn’t get Slut of the night once. That day at netball I received that all important all clear text for Chlamydia (See: You might have Chlamydia). I proceeded to inform the whole sideline that I was Chlamydia and gonorrhoea free.

 The only other story worth telling is the night of Pacha. Hattie pulled one of the only guys that were on our coach. We’d all made friends with a group of black guys, and two token whites, from Southbank University. I spent most of that night with them because I was sick of babysitting and just wanted to chill and wander, anyway I stayed until the end and went back with them. Me, Hattie, Steph and Freya were sharing a room together and Steph had taken a guy home first. During the throws Freya had walked in on them and been like ‘ahhhh shit I’m just going to get some stuff and sleep in Holly’s room.’ Steph finished the deed and sent the boy home. Then Hattie and her boy, Ricky, came back and touched each other while Steph was in the room. I came in last, walked in, saw Hattie and Ricky in bed, which was right next to mine, and was like fuck this, walked straight back out and went and got incredibly high with the boys. In the morning we found out that Steph had been awake the entire time Hattie and Ricky had been playing but not said anything because she didn’t want to cockblock and when I asked her jokingly what she heard her response was, ‘Well… There was a lot of squelching!’

To top the trip off I threw up in a plastic bag on the coach home.

[ehvouz]

Sharky Bastards <3

[ehvouz]

Update on: You might have Chlamydia

I'M CHLAMYDIA AND GONORRHEA FREE! 

[ehvouz]

How'd you become a shark? Not many people are as comfortable about their own sexuality as you seem to be, so I was wondering how you became who you are now.

It takes years of training haha. No I'm not quite sure, I think this might be one of the most difficult questions to answer. I actually used to be really shy in school then sort of did an about turn in college or just before. I'm laid back when it comes to sex but very cautious and rational when it comes to letting boys in as anything more.

With regards to relationships because I get along with boys so easily sometimes when I’ve ended up in a relationship I’ve had feelings for a while but then realised it’s just a friends thing. I think when most boys and girls first become friends ALWAYS have that barrier to get over of which way it is going to go, just friends or something more, as I’ve noticed that you experienced with Kate when your feelings eventually subsided.

As for my sexuality there are not many girls that could do what I do without getting attached or jealous. I see one night stands for what they are and don’t get upset if they don’t ask for my number after. I’ve seen people that I’ve slept with getting with other people when we’re out and it doesn’t phase me as I don’t want to date them. I suppose I’m actually quite picky so I won’t settle with someone if they aren’t right, but it’s alright for me because I manage singledom well. So until I find somebody that will keep me intrigued AND doesn’t turn out to be a total idiot I’ll carry on as I am.

Lastly being a shark; a lot of the people I meet are because I work behind a bar 2 nights a week so you get to meet a lot of people and I go out a lot also. Sometimes it does feel like I’m burning the candle at both ends with this alongside my degree and to be honest my studies have suffered. I think you’re the opposite with the focussing on your studies and your social life then suffers. Just need the right balance.

[ehvouz]

You might have Chlamydia

So I’ve mentioned Barry before (See:I’m in Love with Clark Kent). He text me Sunday evening while I was at work saying ‘Get’ and then corrected himself ‘Hey’ I replied assuming he was drunk with Hey you alright? He didn’t respond after that. Then, at 10am Monday he text me saying, ‘You might have Chlamydia.’ No sugar coating it then at all Barry? Casual as you like! I thought he was winding me up at first. Then my first thoughts were FUCK SAKE NOT AGAIN! I’ve given Blake aids! NOOOOO! The panic begins.

I started looking through dates on my blog posts and facebook messages to try and find out when I last slept with him. I found my conversation with Lewis about my sex life being ruined because Barry had been amazing the night before, this was dated in the middle of December before I went skiing. Then I checked the date of the test results from my last Chlamydia self test kit which I took after the ski trip because I do not trust promoters. The test results came back negative in the middle of January. Surely I can’t be unlucky enough to have had a false positive!!! I’ve slept with a number of people since then, but there are 3 important ones that I’d be worried about telling: Blake because I want to marry him and mother his children one day, John because he’s a mate and I don’t want him to hate me, and a boy called Liam who I met recently because he’s fit and I’m supposed to be seeing him Friday. Basically I really don’t want these 3 to hate me. I don’t want to have to have those conversations like I did with Ben, telling Ben I’d given him Chlamydia was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Like I said though, I’ve done a test since then and it came back negative. Luckily I ordered a test a few days ago to check that I’m clear after my recent conquests and my rampage in Manchester which arrived on the same morning. So it’s already been sent off and now I go through the Kübler-Ross model until the results arrive. I AM SHITTING MYSELF. Ever since Barry text me every little thing that happens in my body my brain tells me you definitely have Chlamydia. I feel a twinge in my lower abdomen; you have Chlamydia. I get a call from an unknown number; it’s the doctors ringing to tell you that you have Chlamydia.  My eczema itches; it’s the Chlamydia. My eyes are sore; you have Chlamydia in your god damn eyes!

I mentioned this boy Liam (although his twitter name is Lee so I’m worried I have his name wrong) who I’m supposed to be seeing Friday. I’ve done my Jimmy Saville trick again (see: With a bag of sweets and a cheeky smile…) he originally told me he did sport at St Marys, then he confessed to being 18 and still in sixth form! He apologised for lying and said he felt like a prick, I’m not that bothered, mostly because he’s fit and it’s kind of funny #schoolboyerror. I think he tried to make me feel better the other day by telling me he’s slept with a 27 year old before. Over sharing. He text me the other day saying, ‘Babe can I ask you a question? X’ Again I instantly panicked thinking he’s going to ask when I was last tested or if I’m on the pill. All he wanted to know is if I wanted to see him again! People should know to not start sentences with, ‘Can I ask you a question?’ or, ‘We need to talk’ it freaks the other person out.

Best part about all this was when I told Barry that I’m not mad and thank you for telling me and then he asked if when this all blows over we can hook up! Pardon? Hahahaha this boy is worse than me; I’m genuinely amused, which is probably not a normal reaction. As it stands I’m really not mad at him, unless it turns out I have it then I’ll be a little mad at him AND a lot mad at the test place for fucking up my result, shit happens and I really can’t talk since I’ve had it once as well and he’s just such a douche it’s hard to be angry. I think this is going to feel like the longest wait ever because I don’t want to lose whatever could happen with Blake, I don’t want John to be mad at me and poor Liam is so young and I do actually want to see him again. IDIOT GIRL WHY DON’T YOU JUST USE CONDOMS!?

[ehvouz]

And I could not have wished for a better family...

[ehvouz]

I love my cousins more than life

[ehvouz]

The Other Woman

RHUL Netball Club Awards was on Wednesday night, like the fun awards before the more serious ones on Saturday. I’m never recognised for being a decent netballer but I am apparently recognised for being a social slut as I won ‘Socialite of the year’ and ‘Slutbag of the year’. Cheers guys! Just because half the club are in long term relationships, engaged or highly religious! But yeah by right I also am a slut. I’m not annoyed that I haven’t been nominated for a serious award but I am annoyed that people less committed than me have been. Anyway I digress, netball isn’t the point of this post, the point is that I’ve done something that I have done many times in my youth but now I actually feel bad about it. I think I’m growing up.

Last week I hosted a netball social to uxbridge and a promoter boy sorted it all out for us and paid for quite a few drinks for us. We’ve been texting quite a bit since. After club awards I ran away to meet Gina in uxbridge because the netball girls had stressed me out so I just wanted to run away, chill out and enjoy myself away from the SU. I was still texting promoter boy and he works there so was obviously going to be there. I saw him walk past VIP texting, then I received a ‘Where are you? X’ I told him where I was vaguely, said that I’d just seen him and watched him wander around for a little and then lost him for a bit. About half an hour later I saw him at the VIP bar so went and said hello. I was still wearing my ‘Slutbag’ and ‘Socialite’ badges; his mate was like ‘Well done’ in a disdainful tone, made me feel a bit small if I’m honest. Promoter boy was talking to me for a bit then all of a sudden he drops in, ‘Yeah my girlfriend plays Lacrosse.’ Ah. Here we go. Another one, but at least I’ve got a heads up this time. Then he sort of went off on one like ‘Do you know Alex Kurobosa?’ No but I know he’s fucking fit ‘Well she’s been seeing him the entire time she’s been seeing me… We’re together… But not together… But together… So if you get an abusive text it’s probably her, or her friends. If her friends saw me texting you all the time they would probably kick off. My housemate doesn’t like her, he called her a cunt.’ I just stood there staring at him like what the fuck do I say to this!? I was far too sober for that convo managed to end that conversation and part ways for most of the rest of the night. My housemates girlfriend goes to Brunel uni and she was out, I told her I’d been texting the promoter still. She told me he had a girlfriend and cheats on her all the time, I told her apparently she cheats on him too, she was like go for it.

I was playing catch up a little with the drinking so every time I went to the bar I was getting two double vodka red bulls and a shot of tequila. After 3 rounds of that I text promoter boy saying ‘sorry if I was quiet during that convo I really didn’t know what to say x’ After that my memory is hazy. I know he text me loads trying to find me again, I know I got with him in the VIP bit, I know I ended up in a taxi with him, I know I made him play on a park with me, and I know I ended up having sex with him back at his. Numerous times.

I’ve slept with people with girlfriends when I was younger and a knob, most of the time I was unaware but there have been a couple that I did know and chose to go there still. This time I feel bad. I have no idea whether they are together or not but still I know for a fact it wasn’t the right thing to do, he probably feels guilty too because he’s stopped texting me now. Or is that just what he does? He is a promoter after all. That doesn’t particularly bother me. What bothers me is whether it was completely a dick move or not. They’re both stupid enough to sleep with other people whilst together which is not my fault. It was selfish of me, I wanted sex, and I got sex. I don’t even know the full situation so should’ve stayed away. Yeah I think selfish is the best description for it, I wasn’t just being a twat this time.

[ehvouz]

With a bag of sweets and a cheeky smile...

I’m 22 years old and I may have recently accidentally slept with a 17 year old. I was in liquid one night with Gina and Anju, Anju and I were on the dance floor and she started getting with this boy. I started dancing with his mate and ended up getting with him, and then he told me that he was Gina’s brother and the one Anju was getting with was his cousin! After knowing her for a year or so you’d think I’d be able to recognise her siblings from photos. My face recognition skills are fucking awful though. Anyway after I went up to Gina like guess who I just got with! Her response oddly enough was ‘Are you coming back to ours?’ He hadn’t even invited me. Yet. When he did eventually invite me I asked his mother for permission (I’m quite close to his mother so it wasn’t as odd as it sounds). Me and him went off to find food before we went back to his and he asked me two questions which I asked him back and I’m pretty sure he lied about both the little bastard.

‘Have you got a boyfriend?’ No have you got a girlfriend? ‘No’ He definitely does have a girlfriend I now know; saw her while I was round at their house this weekend.

‘How old are you?’ 22, you? ‘18’. Ahhh 5 years difference! ‘No… 4 years haha’ Shit and I do maths.

We got back to theirs and I went up to his room and I was like ohhhh this is your room, I’ve stayed in here a few times. The sex was quite childish but he was sweet. I had to leave early the next morning for netball training, I think Gina thought I’d sneaked out because I was embarrassed. Anju likes to facebook our random conquests and when she stalked this one she found that his profile picture was him and a girl (the girlfriend) and that his age on facebook was 17! I felt a little bit ill. I text Gina straight away like ‘Is your brother 17!? He told me he was 18 the little shit!’ She assured me he was 18 and that he had to change the age on his facebook account for a modelling thing he applied for. That makes little sense to me but I was willing to accept it to put my mind at ease. Then this weekend when I was dropping Gina and her mum home we were talking about her 17 year old daughter coming out round Windsor and she said, ‘I can’t get Tiff in because I already get Aaron in and they can’t both be 18’ THIS MAKES LITTLE SENSE EITHER! The sentence implies that they are both not 18 and only gets Aaron in and if he was 18 he wouldn’t need her to ‘get him in’.

I’ve come to accept the fact that I may be a paedophile. I’m just waiting for confirmation on his next birthday; he won’t be able to hide it if he’s 18 next!!!

Not the worst thing I’ve done regarding age, at least he was legal. When I was 18 I may have accidentally slept with a 15 year old in a tent on a field. I’m still not sure to this day, it’s one of those things I’ve not tried very hard to find out because I’m not really sure if I want to know. There’s been a lot of youths recently, like 19ish, and a couple of people that are shorter than me which I don’t usually condone. I just keep telling myself height doesn’t matter when you’re horizontal.

[ehvouz]

Bellends

[ehvouz]

Absolute Melt

I thought I was done with the whole Adam thing, I was done in fact, and I’d got my head around it, accepted that he and his girlfriend have history and understood why he’d get back with her. I had also even accepted the fact that even though he acted like the nice guy that he was still a coward and took the easy option for him by not telling me.

I saw him for the first time since it happened on Thursday when he came into the pub while I was working. I was completely not expecting it and my heart instantly jumped into my mouth. He’d avoided the pub for so long that I’d stopped wondering when he was next coming in. I tried to act natural, maybe a little too natural as I said hello far too cheerily. He asked if I was going next door after work (Liquid) and I said of course I am, again, far too chirpily. Well done Mel. I thought that maybe that meant that he wanted to talk to me; alas I didn’t end up going next door because we finished quite late.

Then he came in again Saturday night while I was working, which again I wasn’t ready for. He asked, ‘Where were you Thursday night?’ I told him that we didn’t get out until late and then he asked if I was out after work that night and said, ‘Please come and find me later,’ I sort of just stared awkwardly at him and made a noise. As much as I wanted an apology and the chance to get a few things off my chest I wasn’t mad anymore so I knew everything I wanted to say would just not come out if we talked face to face now. When we finally got into liquid I saw him, he had the opportunity to take me to one side and talk to me, he had had a lot to drink so had some liquid courage. What did he actually end up doing…? Taking Anju outside and having the conversation he should be having with me with her!!!! YOU FUCKING MELT GROW A PAIR. How can one boy get things oh so wrong? I interrupted their conversation because our friend Gina started fighting with a boy in VIP, I hate fighting and she can handle herself so I went outside. I realised I’d make it awkward straight away but couldn’t just go straight back inside because I’d look a right tit.

Anju took me in the toilets to tell me what he’d just been saying. He said how bad he felt and all that and that there were extenuating circumstances that he can’t say as to why he got back with his ex but in an ideal world he’d be with me. What a selfish thing to let me know. Like yeah he’d rather be with me but aren’t and won’t frigging tell me why. Cheers pal. I was fuming that he spoke to Anju instead of me. Did I really mean that little that he couldn’t have had the decency to apologise to me even if he was scared. Man the fuck up. I noticed he’d disappeared home so I text him:

‘Anju spoke to me but I think you’ve taken the easy the easy way out again! You didn’t even have to explain to me why you were getting back together but to just stop talking to me with no explanation was a horrible thing to do to me and just made me feel that you thought little enough of me to just leave me wondering and then find out over fb. Obviously I’ll be as normal as possible with you when you’re out because I’m not one to be a dick about things. But tbh it annoyed me that you spoke to Anju instead of me. Rant over x’ 03:28

‘Melissa, I’ve wanted to talk to you for weeks I just haven’t had the guts. I’ll phone you tomorrow. I hope she said about the ideal world. X’ 04:12

‘She did say about the ideal world, I’d probably rather have not known that. And you’ll say that now you’ve had a drink but you’re goin to want that convo even less sober x’ 04:29

‘My word is good. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. X’ 04:30

Did he ring me you ask? Did he balls. However when I was at work I was having a nice little quiet shift just cleaning and then him and Tom walk in together. Fantastic! I forgot to mention that Tom also messaged me on Thursday evening, I heard about the message through Ryan and Anju before I actually read it because it was on facebook and so I couldn’t read it at work. That conversation went like this:

Thomas Kemp

‘hey melissa! i just wanted you to know that i defo dont have any problems or issues talking with you! .... over everything that has happened im just more gutted and frustrated that out friendship really did blow out of the water, all on my on fault. I cant say sorry enough times, but just hope things can be pretty kl between us.....

Not gonna lie me and shannon are officially and fully over, i did treat her like shit and really didnt take care of my own actions, im only telling you this personally becasue i did of course drag you into this. anyways hope your keeping well, and uni is good!! kind regards Thomas XxX see you about!!’

Melissa Chloe Brown

‘Yo hoe.. Heard about this message before i actually read it! I stopped feeling awkward weeks ago but just assumed you still were because of shannon. She is not fun to deal with! She probably told you about our run in, I was more annoyed about that than owt else! Obviously i'm not guna be the same because my trust is gone but i'll still be friendly and that. You didn't handle things very well at all but i'm too chilled out/lazy to hold grudges. Also I see you about twice a week anyway.. I hope you realise that if it had been any other girl in my position you'd have been fuuuuucked! But yeah I am well thanks hope you are too and don't repeat your mistakes again. See you in spoons x’

Thomas Kemp

‘Thank you Melissa :) you really are a top girl Xx’

Fair play to him, he might be an idiot but at least he apologised, even if it was on facebook, and admitted and took responsibility for his mistakes. Not even a facebook apology from Adam, people get facebook apologies for just winning at Fifa, it’s not hard. Fortunately Ryan walked in a minute later so I felt a little safer for some reason, just like I had buffer there, someone that hasn’t actually been a complete cock to me. At the end of my shift I was cleaning the front bar and Adam came up behind me and scared the shit out of me. ‘Do you have two minutes?’ Really? Right now? He’s not a quiet person but he literally turned into an awkward 5 year old boy that had just been told off shuffling his feet and speaking really quietly. I managed to keep eye contact for the entire time to make him feel even more awkward, it wasn’t hard since I still think his eyes are beaut! He apologised numerous times and said he wanted to tell me what was going on but didn’t have the guts and admitted he was a coward and told himself that he would tell me and then I found out over facebook and that I didn’t deserve that because I’m such a nice girl. He said about the extenuating circumstances and said he understood if I hated him. I told him again that he didn’t have to explain but I was just angry that he didn’t tell me and let me find out that way and that it made me feel so small. Then he comes out with ‘I never meant to do that to you, I really did like you, do like you and in an ideal world…’ I stopped him there and was like yeah and that ideal world shit is a stupid thing to say when you’re not going to explain why because then I’m never going to understand am I you tit end!

Like I said I had got my head around it, accepted that he and his girlfriend have history and understood why he’d get back with her. I had also even accepted the fact that even though he acted like the nice guy that he was still a coward and took the easy option for him by not telling me. Now I do not understand why he is with her when he’d rather be with me and I do not understand that if he likes me so much why he couldn’t have given me a heads up. I can’t deal with knowing that he likes me and not knowing what was so important that he had to get back with her. Anju says she’s not pregnant because that was the first thing she asked. I have a limited amount of theories:

1.       She or one of her family members or cat is terminally ill and he feels sorry for her.

2.       She has one of his family members locked in her cellar and their freedom depends on their relationship.

3.       She has HIV which she has now given to him and he has given to me and now he daren’t tell me and she has threatened to tell me unless he gets back with her. FUCK I HAVE AIDS! Seriously though I am going to get tested.