[eiaie]

tangina ayoko grumaduate, it's fucking taxing and expensive. what's the fucking point for this?

[shisasan]

July 30, 1929 Journals of Anais Nin 1927-1931 [volume 4]

[eiaie]

alam niyo ba i still want to become a doctor 😆 it took me one duty at the opd para maamin sa sarili ko na gusto ka pa rin, andon pa rin yung sense of fulfillment na kahit sa scheduling lang ng pagbalik ng patient nakakatulong pa rin ako. and you know what, it made me want to cry in relief, realizing this made me know for sure na i'm not a mere husk of the dreamer that i once was. na all my dreams, my passion, didn't really die dormant lang but it's there.

[eiaie]

pagod na pagod na ako. gusto ko magdrop kasi gusto ko magpahinga pero ayoko rin at the same time kasi:

1. i am a government scholar - i can’t just drop without the repercussions. don’t get me wrong, pwede naman. matrabaho nga lang and complicated. also, the money i receive is really anticipated in our family. ang laki ng tulong at nalilift yung burden sa nanay ko who is the only breadwinner.

2. malelate ako - i fear that. i won’t have the people i have relied on in the same year and my anxiety can’t handle meeting new people. kapag nalate ako, malelate ako sa paggraduate, sa paghahanap ng trabaho, sa pagtulong kay mama.

pagod na ako. somehow i can’t even be honest about how fucking exhausted i am kasi parang mali, parang hindi pwede.

[eiaie]

i forgot when exactly was it when i posted this but intern na tayo, self :)))

[eiaie]

another secret i'll never tell:

today was the day i finally saw all my friends tgt after months of not regularly talking nor meeting w/ eo. they certainly kept the bond kasi they play games tgt still and smt may inside jokes na di ko na gets and was too shy to ask for context. i sat there feeling disconnected, like i wasn't really present. i didn't have the energy to talk or try to bridge the gap from my absence and i felt like crying. kasi gusto ko pero pagod ako. nag-iisip ako. nangw-worry ako.

i had a lot of things on my plate to the point na the entire time i was there, iniisip ko lang paano ko iccompress yung kailangan ko pa gawin. i cant even enjoy the company of people i should be comfortable with. now, im writing this wondering if is it because i'm innately bad at keeping relationships or my personality just sucks. nakakainis, nakakadagdag pagod, nakakadagdag isipin.

when i say all want is peace of mind, gusto ko lang talaga na walang iisipin.

[eiaie]

someone died at my campus yesterday.

it was jarring. she was young, a freshman. it was her first college finals, she probably haven't even seen everything in campus. when i heard about her, i can distantly hear raze's voice line "snuffed out". she haven't experienced the glorified college days yet and like everybody else in their freshman years she probably was a ball of passion, the type that is born out of the eagerness to both escape and live in the clutches of youth. the type who is sustained by a future they have always been dreaming of. she died, along with her dreams and a cesspool of possible futures, out of somebody else's carelessness.

thinking about her always circle back to an ever-present, always gnawing guilt in my chest and i think, death is terrible and unforgiving if not by choice. you see, i sometimes want to die. i am not a stranger to these thoughts and seeing someone die without them realizing that it was happening fed that guilt. i want to die but there are people out there who wasn't even given a choice to how they'll go pero here i am contemplating about it. i sometimes write letters, i sometimes plan it, but i can never go through it because of guilt. guilt for my mother who has given more than half of her life and soul to raise me alone (i dont want her to think she failed when it's me who has failed), for my lola (she always, always rooted for me even when i didnt deserve it), for my friends (who i never confide in because my problems seemed trivial compared to theirs and i didn't want to add to whatever it is on their plates), and for the people who dies when they have so much to live for (im sorry i dont really know how to apologize for not wanting to exist anymore when this chance could have been yours instead).

[eiaie]

sometimes i feel like my youth escaped me.

it's like that ice cream truck you can hear a few blocks away, some would immediately jump outside and wait for it while i spent minutes figuring out whether i want one or if we could afford to buy one. youth escaped me because i wasn't too eager and too keen, i was too apprehensive of welcoming it to my life and now at 21, feeling the brunt and harshness of adulthood feels overwhelming. too much so.

i am failing at everything, i don't know how to change, i'm always mad and frustrated and sad, i don't know who to talk to. i feel so small and disappointing and undeserving.

i'm exhausted and it's the type that feels my lungs with freezing water. every breath burns and a portion of my soul dies everytime.

[eiaie]

cardiac massage in medical tv shows never fail to bring nostalgia to me. i remember it quite vividly, i was 9 or 10, a kdrama was playing while i'm preparing to go to my afternoon class. the doctor in the show was so anxious because his patient wasn't responding so he performed a cardiac massage. idk what happened to me exactly or what i felt at that time but i know that was when i first dreamt of wanting to be a doctor.

[eiaie]

and at the end of the day, the price for dreaming big is every bit of your soul hollowing you into nothing but a shell of the child who dared

[eiaie]

sometimes what makes it difficult for me to open up even to my closest friends is the fact that compared to their problems/situations mine seems... trivial.

parang di ako pwede magreklamo kasi mababaw or smtg. take for example, out of the four of us, fam situation ko yung pinaka-okay. and honestly wala masyado drama sa family namin, mama treats me like her bestfriend and vice versa. wala problem masyado sa relatives or sa tatay, etc. but at the end of the day, i still have things i cry abt na feeling ko di ko masabi sa kanila. i might be the friend who's always joking around pero i have moments in wc i feel lonely too.

i told them ill work on it. opening up.

but it's difficult.

[eiaie]

i watched business proposal the other day and the scene where taemoo and hari's father was talking had been living inside my head ever since. it hurts ano? if my mother thinks or has ever thought na she has inadequacies as a provider (wc i hope she doesnt) feel ko iiyak din ako. knowing full well the sacrifices she made for me, i dont want her to think na she's at fault, she's not a good parent, etc. she's mama, she didnt let me go kahit iniwan siya when she couldve have done it instead para idk maenjoy niya yung youth niya. she was 24 for god's sake, life was just happening to her. maybe i lied when i said i dont have any feelings for my father bcs i do have one — resentment. i hate how easy it was for him to leave a pregnant woman behind to fend for herself and a child they made. it's basically cursing someone for a lifetime. i resent him because sometimes i hate my own existence kasi im a reminder of the life mama lost bcs she had me. so if ever na aabot sa point na sasabihin ni mama na nagkulang siya, it would definitely break me bcs she never did. she's more than what i deserve.

[eiaie]

random question (for the people who left their sons/daughters behind to a start a new family): how did you stomach it? do you think about them? do you feel guilty? do they even cross your mind?

[eiaie]

never waking up from tonight's slumber cutie

[eiaie]

i hate pitying myself, it makes me want to die

[eiaie]

maybe i'm really aromantic.

1) i am not comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship. it's okay if it's other people's rs kasi di naman ako involved. i'm just an onlooker admiring what they share from a distance. i did try to imagine myself in one pero it just doesn't sit right. i don't want to be subjected in another person's expectations. akala ko dati ayoko lang mag-isip + gumastos ng gifts sa mahahalagang occasions pero i came to realize na ayoko lang din pag-expectan. i don't know how to comfort, di rin ako marunong magkusa so diba kawawa naman yung jojowain ko. baka maging source of trauma niya pa ako. bare minimum di ko magagawa.

2) for years, i've been wracking my head over this. di kasi sure, ig that's the thing abt sexuality. i can't really tell if i'm aro kasi comfortable naman ako sa general idea ng love. except if involved ako. i would rather watch in the sidelines talaga.

3) also, i like quite a ton of fictional characters (ik they're not real pero may feelings oK haha) and kpop idols (real na real sila so mas naguluhan ako). tapos nung hs nagkacrush naman ako pero looking back, i liked the ideals i've built in my head more. saka siguro at that time, i know nothing's gonna happen anyway. i kept my hunches na lang at the backburner of my mind until i read somewhere na a person who likes those can still be aromantic kasi those characters/idols are unattainable. i had to pAUSE, kasi that was exactly how i told mama. you see we talked abt this stuff one time tapos sabi ko, "ma i don't think i am capable of having a romantic relationship". ofc she asked tapos sabi ko "wala, icky". she proceeded to tell me na okay lang naman ako kiligin sa kpop so why not in real people. i told her na it's different kasi i will never meet them in this lifetime. i don't actually have to talk to them or socialize.

4) i have never really liked someone to the point na iniimagine ko yung sarili ko with them. plus minsan kaya parang nagiging aware lang naman ako sa kanila kasi i admire certain parts of them (i.e., brain, music taste, skills w/ instruments).

5) i recently realized na i seldom read anything written in first person's pov. tolerabe pero uncomfy in general. somehow it requires you to assimilate or ako lang ba yun basta feel q nilalagay ka niya sa sitwasyon. idk how i read twilight pero i was 10 okay i believe di yon counted. it actually feels like a fever dream.

6) ano ang point ng poat na ito, wala i just need to dump these. it kinda feels nice to know more about myself (i have finally connected the dots, bruh). but the epiphany that i might end up alone in life is kinda... so idk. mixed feelings.

[eiaie]

i miss feeling alive

[eiaie]

hay i'm sad again