"Grief is just love with nowhere to go"
It's a quote I've come across a handful of times.
Often when I'm feeling the most alone.
Well, I wanted to share some things about this quote. At the time, I'm writing this on a Tuesday at 2:31am.
I want to start this off with this: Grief isn't just for people you miss. It's for places, objects, emotions that you miss. Maybe it's a fleeting moment when you most vaguely felt like yourself amidst a storm of not feeling like you. Maybe it's missing your favorite ice cream, or maybe that local burger place that you used to eat at sometimes. Maybe it's that Mexican restaurant you used to go to with your parents and your grandpa when he was still alive, or the feeling of innocence you used to have.
Maybe grief is that time in your life where you were blissfully a child, or maybe it's the time when you realized maybe your childhood wasn't like others. Regardless, grief is an emotion that can be tied to so many different moments.
For me, I think the thing I'm grieving the most right now is my old high school marching band. There's a lot of things I won't mention for privacy reasons, but I will mention the good times. I was the outcast in my marching band, but in that I found performing. I found music. I found art. Any time I'd go on stage for a concert or on a field for half-time shows or competitions, I put my heart and soul into what I played. I grooved, played, moved, memorized, mesmerized, and performed my everything. There were times where I'd cry while performing on my marimba, but I'd still keep going no matter how hard it was to see because I knew what I was doing and how to do it.
And so I grieve that girl I was, the place where I was most comfortable to put my heart out to the world. The girl that had a judge come up to her at an indoor competition and compliment her, recognized because of my colorful hair and how I put everything on that gym floor. I miss that feeling, sharing who I was without needing words to describe my feelings because the music was my feelings. It didn't matter what show it was or the story we were conveying, because I became it as much as it became me. I was able to share a part of myself with so many other people, people who's names and faces I might not remember, but I know that it mattered to someone.
I also grieve people, too. I grieve my aunt I never got to meet, who passed before my dad was born. I grieve my mother's sister who refused to meet me or have a relationship with my mother just because they have different mothers. I grieve my grandpa, who now I realize wasn't a great person to everyone. I grieve my dad's brother I never got to meet because he passed when my dad was young. I grieve my great grandma because she was someone who liked so many things I did, but I hardly got to know her because we lived only a few hours away. I grieve the friends I lost and the friends I never made, and I grieve the baby I see in my dreams that I don't wake up with in my arms because baby dreams are a thing.
I miss my dogs, Pugsly and Spots. I miss my birds, Pretty bird, Bluebell, and Spider. I miss my cats, Big Kitty and Tiger. I miss my turtle, Cupcake.
I miss the few kids in marching band that had crappy home-lives, because I know there are things they went through that I might never understand.
I grieve what was, is, isn't, or could've been. Because it was, is, isn't, or could've been me.
So I hope all of you are doing alright. I hope you know that you were, are, or could be loved. But you know what you aren't? You aren't alone. Regardless of who you are, I care. I love each and every one of you out there, and just know you aren't alone. Feel free to share your grief, no matter if it's over a person, place, thing, or something else entirely.
Oh, and btw, it's 2:57am now.
2087
stormborns
titsay
kianamaiart
gummygunk
ellievsbear
romaincrisis
izzy806