TW:ana ~Just My daily Thoughts~

[elichota]

Just a thought:

One needs to love the old version of oneself to love oneself

[elichota]

I fucked up. I let the person down who believed in me the most. I don’t know what to do with my life. What’s the pointing if you don’t Know who you are I just can’t.

[elichota]

I don’t need any fatspo. I am mine:)

[elichota]

I am so tired. I am tired of trying to be better. I am tired of instead of losing weight gaining it. I am tired of losing myself over and over again. I am tired of pretending to be fine. I am tired of myself and I am tired if the world.

Why can’t it all be like it was. Back then when it all was perfect. Back then when I didn’t knew what the number on the scale will mean to me. Back then when I went for a walk just for fun and not to burn calories. When I didn’t need the music to feel something. When I didn’t tried not to touch someone because I feel too fat.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am not myself anymore. I am someone different, and I don’t recognize this person. What should I do?!

[elichota]

I want to be the best so bad.

Even if it kills me, I have to be the best in one fucking thing

[elichota]

I don’t know why I eat.

I know that I gonna regret it and still I sit down and eat

[elichota]

Just stop eating.

How can this be so fucking hard?

[elichota]

When I eat I feel like shit

When I don’t eat I feel like shit

So where really is my place on earth?

[elichota]

What I ate today:

-

-

-

-

Good day I think

[elichota]

I’m sick of wearing medium.

I want to be extraordinary, perfect, pretty

Just not how I am now

[elichota]

Tw meanspo:

Just imagine joining your new class after summer break. Imagine walking in the class room and you are the fattest person there. Imagine everyone talking about you because of your fat. Imagine how everyone else is beautiful, skinny. And than you. The fat one, to who nobody wants to talk to, the fat one nobody wants to sit next to, the fat one nobody wants to love.

If you don’t start now, this will be your start of the new school year.

If you binge, this will be you.

If you don’t have any discipline, this will be you.

Stop blaming everyone else. Only you are in the position to screw yourself up, but only you are in the position to get out of the position you’ve put yourself.

[elichota]

This is me in the car seat. When you look at it you probably wonder ”where is the seat?” Well it is under my fat. It is under my fucking fat thighs.

Btw the smallest person on earth is 54,6 cm. My left thigh is 64 cm fat. I mean how ugly is that.

[elichota]

I made it…

2 days…

What is wrong with me other people can do it as well. Wtf Is wrong with me.

I will never be as pretty,as popular like the other girls. If I don’t start now I will fail and never change.

Do you want that? Do you seriously want that? To stay as fat as you are now?

No?

Than fucking start and do it a week, two weeks, 3 weeks… I gets easier but the start is hart.

[elichota]

The worst feeling is seeing him with her. She, who is so pretty and skinny, while I am still this fat ugly person.

But don’t get me wrong. It doesn’t hurt seeing him with her. It just hurts that she is so much prettier.

[elichota]

My worst fear is that I never lose weight. That I will have forever these fat legs.

Please be worth it.

[elichota]

How can I still eat? How can I still lay in my bed? How can I still be this lazy?

How can I do all these things while I look look like this? I look at the mirror and I still think, I can afford doing all these things? I look in the mirror and still think I don’t have to make sport every minute?

Seriously, how can I live with myself.

[elichota]

Some people say that having a stiffness is good because it shows you that you‘ve done something.

Well that’s true but for me it shows me my long journey which I still have to go for my perfekt body.